While there is still some March left:
You mentioned a doctor visit and bladder testing a while back can you give me more detail? No this is not my kinky medical fetish but do I dare say I can’t laugh or sneeze to hard with out an accident. I would love to here your experience with the doctor etc.. I is skeered to go.
Actually, the experience wasn’t bad. The testing wasn’t painful. The outcome is that he didn’t feel I needed any sort of surgery, but that I just need to step up the kegels.
Do you ever “sneak” and do something you are not supposed to? Like pee without asking? If not, why? What stops you? If so, do tattle on yourself after?
Oh I used to, way back in the beginning. I fought submission damn near as hard as I wanted it. I did tattle on myself after, too. Probably because I needed to know what he was going to do about it.
I stopped doing that when I realized that the only person I was sabotaging was myself. The whole “sneaking disobedience” game made everything I was telling him about my desires to submit a lie. It created doubt in him that I was being sincere, or that I was capable of being the slave he wanted. It wasn’t a ‘win’ for me to do something behind his back. It was eroding his trust in me.
He can’t watch me every second of the day. And he shouldn’t have to. He should be confident that when he’s at work or on a trip or even just sleeping in the next room, I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
You often talk about being annoyed, angry, bitchy with, mad at, etc. Master. I have had these feelings too, but don’t know how to handle them except to tell him he’s doing it wrong and he sucks. I suppose if I were on a slave discussion forum, I’d know the answer to this question because it would come up all the time, but how do you handle the “bad” feelings and the resentment?
I know you’ve sometimes posted about sulking or feeling resentful about things and stuff like that. I struggle with that sometimes. Have you figured out how to act graceful or submissive or whatever when you feel that way? ‘Cause I’d really like to know (my Master would like me to know too, I’m sure).
Leaving out the latest “thang” because that was more involved than just being annoyed, I’m going to answer this from the perspective of it not being a relationship-ending issue, but just the typical annoyances of M/s.
Basically, I tell him he’s doing it wrong and he sucks. Heh. Well, how does he know if I don’t inform him?!
Here’s what I don’t do: I don’t deny that those feelings are there. I don’t slap on a smile and pretend. I don’t fake it. I’m honest and I’m open and I give him the information to do with what he will.
But then I follow the directions he gives me.
It might be something he wants to explore further to find out why it’s causing me to be angry because anger wasn’t his intent. It might be something he doesn’t care about and he’ll dismiss it, and my feelings. It might be exactly the reaction he wanted and he’ll delight in watching me obey through the anger (Srsly. Who does that? He’s such an ass.)
I try (try being the operative word) not to obey my feelings over obeying his directive. So let’s say I’m irritated and he knows it and he tells me to stfu and do it anyway. I can either stfu and do it anyway, remind myself this is what I signed up for, that it’s not always going to be pleasant and it’s up to me to find pleasure in obeying even if I can’t find pleasure in his order (which works more often than you’d think). Or I can ignore him and give in to my emotions and wallow in the irritation until it takes over. Then, what could have been a chance to please him turns into choosing to please myself.
Obviously, I am not always able to put those wheels in motion and get there. Perfection will never be mine!
How do you maintain your M/s dynamic when “real life” gets in the way? I mean, I kind of know how that works for you from reading your entire blog. But how do you maintain feeling like his slave when you’re in situations where you have to act “vanilla” most or all of the time for a while?
This is difficult for me to answer because I don’t have a lot of time periods where I have to act vanilla. I don’t work (yet), all of our friends are kinky and know what we’re about. We live far away from family so we rarely have to deal with that. The worst of it is just having the kids in the house.
Pretty much having to ask for ev-er-y-thing means the fact of not being in control never leaves my head. Like, ever.
Except for when I panic and try and grab control because he’s pushing in an area where not having ANY control is not an option. Like with the kids. But even that can be a HUGE reminder of my ‘status’ because the truth of powerlessness smacks me in the face and I freak the fuck out at being TOO enslaved.
Is it the pain that turns you on or the feelings/ endorphins it creates?
Or is it just the knowing that Scott loves it?
Both, depending on my mood. If I’m not able to move into that internal place where the pain is turning me on, then I try and lean on knowing it’s pleasing him. Sometimes I can’t get to either place, though, and that sucks for me. :/
do you think about how your lives will change once Am goes off to school and B-Man graduates from high school? (I don’t know what B-Man’s plans are, I’m just assuming that he has a plan)
B-man’s current plans involve the military. Scary!
We talk about it all the time. All. The. Time. He’s got plans for remodeling the downstairs into a ginormous play room. He’s got plans for the creepy storage room under the stairs (which is actually The Hilton compared to the last creepy room under the stairs!). He’s got plans for me.
But, you know, we’ve been through so much where plans had to be changed to suit the circumstances that, though it’s nice to hear and to fantasize and talk about this stuff, I’m open to reality changing everything. So is he.
If S told you he was going to torture you with the item of your choosing for no less than 4 hours what non-toy household item would you choose and why?
Listening to country music. Hee.
Why? Because maybe he’d break through my intense dislike of it and then every car trip with him would stop being a torturous event.
I have recently thrown myself under the bus. No, really, it happened. It was one of those things you didn’t even realize was happening. Ya know? Like a lamb being led to slaughter that pranced and played on the way there. So I was wondering what’s the most memorable thing you’ve thrown yourself under the bus for? Or if you haven’t thrown yourself (you should try it sometime, it’s really quite the mindfuck)what was the most memorable thing somebody else has thrown you under the bus for?
3 things come to mind for throwing myself under:
1- The kiddie pool/piss event at Twisted Tryst was my freakin’ idea.
2- I wanted to experience having my tits nailed to a board. Once. He liked it so much he’s done it 3 times now.
3- The 24-hour tack bra wearing with the ending being an intense tit torture scene. That ending? My idea.
I’ve always tried to claim that if it was my idea, I should reserve the right to cancel. But once it’s out there, man.. they just run with it.
Why does Scott want to stretch your anus? (Genuinely curious–I want anal sex to hurt my slave. Stretching her out seems wrong to me. It’s, like, being nice to her. What an odd concept. ).
Oh, and why did he get you the 1.5″ plug instead of the 2″? That seems somewhat out of character.
He doesn’t want to stretch it. The njoy isn’t going to stretch any damn thing. The neck of it is pretty thin, and that’s the part resting where the muscles are. He just wants to FILL it. And the 1.5″ fills it plenty.
It’s actually quite painful to insert and remove the njoy. For me, at least. I have no illusions that the njoy is going to make anal sex any less painful than it currently is. None. If Master thinks that, he’s nuts. -nods-
The 1.5″ was the largest sized plug.
It is, too. -glare-
Actually, we were advised by an experienced njoy wearer that the 2.0 was not for beginners. I thought it was bad enough that he didn’t start with the smallest size and work up to the large. Now you’re suggesting he should have gone straight for the worst?
Sadists. They all stick together. Hmmph.