Curiosity killed the cat but-
-satisfaction brought it back. Or so the saying goes.
I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I know it’s nobody’s business but ours. Yet… I do kind of feel indebted to most of you. After years of friendship and support and encouragement and wisdom, I maybe do ‘owe’ something.
So. The abbreviated version, minus a lot of details because in the grand scheme of things, the details don’t matter (except to us). What we’re trying to fix is the pattern of the breakdown.
This seems to happen about once a year.
Something happens, something that is not triggered by or related to the interpersonal relationship that is me and him. Something off-topic to M/s or O/p.
Things get said that cause the truth of my powerlessness over all things important to me to slap me in the face.
I’m confronted with the very real possibility that I stand to lose those things. That no matter what I do, no matter how I do it, no matter how much I love it- I can lose it. His choice.
Him. His feelings. His thoughts. His whims. His temper. His expectations. His ideals. His wants. Him.
I panic.
No. I PANIC.
It doesn’t matter if, just an hour prior, I was perfectly comfortable in my place as his. It doesn’t matter if, just 10 minutes prior, I was happily serving and sucking and fingering my collar with pride.
Panic takes over everything. Every thought. Every emotion. Everything.
I stop hearing.
He says X and in my head X means Y. He says no no no, X means X and nothing more than X, and I’m screaming that X means Y because Y is dependent on X.
Here’s the breakdown:
When I “hear” what he isn’t saying… when I fill in the blanks and end up at the conclusion that X means Y… the resulting outcome, to me, is that I can’t trust him. Because, obviously, he’s leading me toward Y. And Y is nowhere I can go.
If I can’t trust him, I have no business being his.
If I’m limiting where I’m willing to go with him, I have no business being his.
If I’m doubting him, I have no business being his.
On a good day, I happen to believe that he deserves ever so much better than me. On a bad day, I begin to think I’m doing him a favor, and serving him well, by just slinking off and “freeing” him of the obligation of ownership.
(And, securing my “right” to not have to accept Y. Oh indeed, I’m still self-serving in all of this.)
He reacts negatively to my thought process. Understandably. He corners me, hammers at me. Inadvertently, reinforcing my fears. I have no idea what it is he is waiting for or wanting to hear from me, but I’m desperate to be reassured that I can trust him to not lead me where I cannot go. Instead, his dominance threatened, his control wavers, and he does the opposite- pulling away and dropping me. Again, reinforcing my fear.
And so we separate. Not physically, not moving out (though we toss that threat around like confetti, hoping it’ll be the one uttered thing that causes the other to crack), but mentally and emotionally. Complete separation.
Over time, we make tentative steps back to each other. Life still has to be lived. Kids have to be raised, meals have to be eaten, jobs have to be gone to. Conversations start, falter, end. Start again.
We get lonely for each other. God, it’s so obvious. For all of the bravado and blustering on how we don’t need the other, we can’t go more than a few hours without seeking the other out. A word, a touch, a look, a smile.
Upon acceptance, and admittance, of that need for the other, we make a stab at vanilla. Because maybe it’s easy to blame everything on the power exchange, and the various pitfalls and trappings of that, and not have to look deep and fix what’s in ourselves.
Guess what? We can’t do vanilla. Do you know how many times we’ve tried?
Vanilla becomes this forced farce of a thing, where I automatically jump up to obey because that’s what feels natural and good and wonderful, and then stop myself, make myself sit, which feels awful and black and heavy.
Where he reaches for me, for a grope or a grab or a pinch and stops himself, pulls his hand back or turns a pinch into a pet. Turns a grab into a stroke. Turns an order into a politely worded request and… he just deflates.
And then we avoid each other all over again. Because vanilla? Is too much work.
Over and over again, we come back to this. To M/s or O/p or some power exchange dynamic. This is who we are. This is where we’re happiest.
Yet– Y is still there. X is still there. Fear is still there.
He’s not the bad guy. I’m not the bad guy.
We both have our demons. Unfortunately, these demons wreak havoc on us.
So. In the interest of only being able to change and fix myself, I’m working on my demons. I’m so done with almost throwing my life away over past hurts, incorrect thought patterns, twisted memories.
He, as omnipotent as I think him to be, can’t fix me. But I can. I will.
I don’t know the outcome. Yet. I’m not putting a label back on myself. Yet. I’m not positive that who I always thought I was is actually who I am to become.
There must be some reason why I have to shake it all off now and then. Maybe it means something wonderful that I keep coming back to it, like a moth to a flame. Or maybe it means something awful that I try and fly away at all.
I don’t know myself. But I’m going to discover me. This is never going to be something I feel trapped in. Neither of us want that. I like words like genuine and organic, natural and right. I aim to make sure I am all of those in this relationship of ours.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
March 21, 2011 10:05 am
You do whatever it takes to make you, YOU! I found that without a full time relationship, I drifted closer to learning more about myself and I grew as a person, which I think makes you better in any role you take on. But between you and me, I want to grow up to be just like you (M/s, BDSM, whatever label you want)
I have always saw you as the peak of perfection in our lifestyle. You make it look easy, and you look good doing it.
Your demons be damned. You easily the strongest woman I know, and I’m beyond honored to be a friend of yours.
Do what it takes, so long as the marriage is always there. Redefine, rebuild, restructure. Be happy in who and what you are, in and out of your collar.
I admire your ability to spell it all out (minus the details of course) and own your weakness(es).
*polishes her “I wanna be like kaya” button with new pride*
i’ve been reading you for years and i wanted to cry reading this. i’ve read about your ups and downs before, each time you thinking it was over, that there was no way back but there always was. Screw the labels, screw putting a name on anything. You have an amazing man who loves you and at the end of the day, that’s what matters. We get so caught up in all the bullshit that we miss what’s right in front of us. Take care of you because you’re so worth it.
Just remember to be gentle with yourselves.
Labels are great fun, very validating, we feel we finally “belong” and there are parameters in place we can refer to and discuss, etc., etc.
Wife, husband, mother, father, political type, religious persuasion, sexual fetish, on and on and on and on.
But labels can also become a trap.
If my kids are driving me nuts and I need a break for a while, does that mean I’m no longer a good mother? If I go out for girls’ night once every few months or so because I need to be around just other women sometimes and let my hair down every so often, does that mean I’m no longer a good wife? And if I can’t constantly be sub/slave/property, if I sometimes want of the leash for a little bit, does that mean I’m a bad s-type?
Maybe there are people who never get upset or tired or need breaks but I’m not one of them. That’s a fact.
As much as I wanted to be perfect for him, as hard as I tried, I was never able to keep from having the same kinds of meltdowns and breaks you discuss here. There would always be a moment, as you say, once a year or so, where I would lose it.
And make no mistake, I would *lose my shit*. Totally. Our world would seem destroyed, words were used, things were said, the future seemed bleak.
Then we picked up the pieces and started again.
You are not alone in this.
Not by a long shot.
But it’s been a long time since I’ve gone through that cycle. And I think it’s because I stopped putting so much focus on the label-part. I stopped blogging about it (although I surely do NOT want you to stop blogging, I’m just saying what I needed to do for me), I stopped trying to stay 100 percent focused on the dynamic and 100 percent committed 100 percent of the fucking 100 percent time…because, my god, it gets exhausting.
When it becomes so tiring and so hard, resentment builds.
The more I held up a mirror to my s-type face, the more disgusted with myself I became. The more of a fake I seemed to be.
Dan would be merrily going along, thinking everything was hunkey-dory in the marriage and the O/p or whatever and I’d be all morbidly obsessive and shit, despising my failures, which became magnified FAR beyond what they were and finally things would blow. And he’d ALWAYS be surprised and I’d ALWAYS feel so horrible and be so sure I’d ruined everything.
Today I try to remind ourselves why did we get into this in the first place, over 10 years ago or so now? Because it was fun, thrilling, sexy, hawt, life-validating, intimate, challenging, amazing. It’s great indulging in our fantasies or fulfilling our idea of who we are as long as we remember what’s truly important:
Health, dedication to family and trying to live a happy life. Those are what are important. If it doesn’t fit in there, then it’s not that important. Labels are like clothes; they fit when they fit and if/when they no longer fit, you discard them or put them away for another time.
This was my favorite part of what you wrote today: “This is never going to be something I feel trapped in. Neither of us want that. I like words like genuine and organic, natural and right. I aim to make sure I am all of those in this relationship of ours.”
I love that SO HARD! I wish more people thought about it the way you do, Kaya, good for both of you.
I’ve read about a few of your meltdowns before and have been amazed that you could work it out and get things back again.
I feel somehow sure that you will figure this out alone and together.
hugs~~
I just wanted to say that I know some of what you’re going through. I had been misdiagnosed when I was a teenager with depression. As soon as I hit 18 I went off my medication because it made me feel like I couldn’t react emotionally to anything. I was numb. Well, so I assumed that I just was suffering from depression when I would go through my down phases. But then I noticed that other things were going on, extreme anger and/or aggression and periods of time where all was right with my world, and it was a violent cycle. It played hell on our marriage, on our dynamic, and on each of us in general. Then I went to a therapist and got help. I was diagnosed as bi-polar, and have been on medication for it since. The change in amazing and while I won’t say our marriage or dynamic is perfect, nothing is, I will say it is strides better.
I am glad that you are seeking the help you need, and I’m glad that you are focusing on what’s healthy for both of you right now.
Can someone please explain what “O/p” means? I know M/s, but O/p is a new one for me.
@Anonymous O/p = Owner/property. Kinda like M/s… but not. At all. Understand?
And this post? This post made me go =
as it clicks.
Always Changeling said: “O/p = Owner/property. Kinda like M/s… but not. At all. Understand?”
BWA-HA-HA! Exactly! *points finger to nose*
Thanks.
I’m sorry you are going through this, Know that I care…
You can call yourselves garden fairies for all we care… just happy you are back
Master’s piece, agree 100 percent!
Kaya, maybe open up another blog for a while, if that might help? I switched blogs three times as we fluctuated over the years. We started out DD, that didn’t work so we moved on the D/s, that still worked(works) but I needed to change the direction a little, so I switched to a new place again. I always put a link up so people could come read me at the new place and it was nice having new “duds” to blog in.
And I didn’t feel pressured to blog about “it”, you know? I don’t know if you’re feeling that way but if you are, you can always blog elsewhere for a while. It helped me a lot. Just some thoughts.
@Master’s Piece: or garden gnomes, doesn’t matter.
I have been reading for a while and never felt a need to pipe up. I came to do my daily stalking and saw that you were gone and i had a tiny freak out moment. I have shared your blog with so many people because you are able to express how i feel in my M/s relationship. It isn’t easy and there are up and downs and yet somehow we always are able to find our way back to each other.
It is wonderful to see that you are back, no matter what you want to call it. It’s not easy, god i know it’s not easy but it happens to all of us. We all lose each other and find each other on a regular basis.
As long as the foundation there you will prevail and i hope that the foundation is there for a very very long time.
I think some other people has been suggesting the same thing, but if this happens about once a year perhaps it has to do with the lack of sunlight. Here in Sweden it’s well known that some people suffer from winter/spring depressions. I have had problems with that and it was a friend of mine who brought my attention to it when she told me she had waited for my call where I complain about my life and need to change it, it was THAT time of year…
Vitamin D has helped many, they claim. Might be worth a try if you think there might be a connection.
Anyway, you are so good with words it’s amazing, thank you for writing.
And I agree with Master’s piece, call yourselves whatever you like as long as you are true to who you are I couldn’t care less.
Yup, clicks here too.
We went through this a lot over the last 15 years and about 5 years ago figured out we don’t have to label ourselves to anyone or to each other. We just do what comes naturally to us and as partners we just have our own path. We agreed that when it came to big decisions that we would discuss it and not put the D/s or whatever you want to call it into the decision making. I personally don’t believe that anyone can make those big life decisions for me and expect me to just go with it without a clear discussion about it. I do have rights as a human being and It has nothing to do with trust. I removed that yo yo that you described in your post. It isn’t what works for most D/s relationships but it certainly does for us because we had/have other people in our lives who do not live the lifestyle.
I am glad to see you back…life has a way of working itself out for the best. While we can fight, resist and try to manipulate the changes in our life, they still come. When enough time has passed we are able to look back at the events and have that epiphany experience where we exclaim..ohhhh, now I get it.
Here’s a thought..take it if you like, and if it doesn’t resonate with you..toss it aside…
We all have archetypes, if I tell you that woman is a natural born mother, or he is a real prince, you know exactly what I mean. Sometimes that “natural mother” discovers after her little babes have left the nest for college, that their bedroom would make a really nice sewing room, office..craft room. That mother archetype is no longer front and center, another archetype steps in. That natural born mother actually gets her nose all out of joint when Jr. comes home and wants his bedroom back..I mean can you imagine?
We are all works in progress, ever changing, always in motion..be open to what comes your way. You may change, you may not, but always remember you have each other. You will redefine yourself as individual and as a couple, and that’s ok.
Demon hunting is a scary business, but you are strong, and I think Scott is strong enough and secure enough as a man to support you through this change. I have no doubt that you two love each other, and that my friend is the glue that will bind you together through all kinds of changes….this is a good time for you believe it or not.
First off, thank you for the update. No, you don’t owe it to us, but it is nice that you share.
It sounds to me like you have a trigger around not being in control of important things in your life at times–you get into a panic and have a hard time getting calm again. Perhaps it would help to have a safeword? Not a scening safeword, but a relationship safeword, that would allow you to renegotiate the deal. Something that would help you calm down and accept that when he says X he really means X because Y is simply not going to happen?
And, like everyone else says, the labels are irrelevant. There are people in the scene that are too wrapped up in them (insert “slave” vs “sub” vs “just a sub” argument here). You guys are happy together, and there’s no way vanilla is ever going to be fun for either of you. Just relax, have fun, and don’t worry about anybody else.
I just adore you, the both of you. I love your honesty so much and hope nothing but the best for you and him.
I have read your blog off and on. I share no lifestyle aspects with you, but you are an honest and engaging writer who brings to life an existence very different from my own. What I can say, from my observation, is that it seems you two genuinely love each other, and want to give each other the best partner you can and bring the best of yourselves to the table. One step at a time – the commitment is there. Best wishes.
I was reading this with tears boiling out of my eyes and landing in scalding little puddles. Oh, kaya. Even when you’re hurting so much and in the midst of chaos, you give these pieces of yourself. Hugs you softly…there are lessons for me in this, ones I don’t want to and cannot afford not to learn. Sighs.
I am glad to see that you are here and kinda ok. Know that you are in my thoughts. Have been and still are. I wish you and Scott all the strength you need to get through this.
[...] year ago, M and I were in the midst of a(nother) relationship upheaval, and I really feel like I’ve made significant progress there. That might tie in with the [...]