Falling down the rabbit hole..
(A moment wherein the heroine realizes how fucked she is.)
I very often inform him that I’ve made this “too easy” for him (shush up, you out there in the peanut gallery! I can hear your snickers!). I’m pliable and malleable and all sorts of other -ables that make things too damn easy for him to manipulate and shape and mold and change and get what he wants.
What I mean by “easy”, of course, is that I am losing (or have lost) any sense of thinking what he does is abnormal or unacceptable.
People get all hysterical about limits, or the lack thereof, and demand to know how it’s possible to be limitless– when really the process of erasing a person’s hold on limits can be as simple as consistently making the unacceptable become the norm.
Earlier today, in the kitchen, I said something curt. He grabbed me by the throat, squeezing, and pushed me with a hard thunk against the wall, smacking my head against it. Leaning in close to my face, he growled “You’re getting awfully mouthy.” Then, silence, holding my gaze and waiting a beat to let it sink in.
My only response when he released me and stepped away was to rub the back of my head and say “You aimed for the corner of the wall on purpose.”
No objection to the fingers painfully constricting my windpipe. Not the smack up against the wall. Not the idea that I can’t talk in whatever tone of voice I want. Not the intimidation of his foot-taller and 70lb-heavier body bracing against mine. Not the threat behind his size… and his words. Not even the invasion of my personal space as he got all up in my biznez.
No, no. It was just the added insult of the corner of the wall smacking the back of my head rather than the kinder, flat area to smack it on that struck me as mean and objectionable.
Now? The next time when he smacks me up against the corner of the wall rather than the flat part, it likely won’t occur to me to say anything.
Slip-slidin’ away…
Uncategorized | kaya | 
January 19, 2011 6:34 pm
I think it is normal in a relationship where you have agreed to no limits. Why is simple you trust him not to go too far but you abdicate your say in the matter and now have the freedom that comes with him being in control. Sure he willget in your bizness but he will also and has also fulfilled all your needs and those of your family and you know if you all him to come and help you he will if you really need it. There is not a limit on him for what he will do for you so why should their be a limit on what he does to you. You know he will take care of you in the end.
BTW the facebook picture is very nice. Got to love blue….
Oh and one other thing, You know you like the feeling he gives you too. Ha… funny how the mind works. You have written it very well.
It helps that you like it – surely there was a cunt twitch or two when he asserted himself so meanly. Would have worked wonders on my demeanor. His point was better made by giving you that added twist of the sharp edge of the corner. Without that, it would have been just another boring dom invasion that you are already used to. He’s keeping it interesting. i think i woulda thanked him for that.
That’s sad.
Can you elaborate?
Thank you for this post and all your others
certainly nice to know I am not alone in these thoughts
That’s exactly what Dan does with me! *beams* Exactly!
I love it when he does that, it’s a nice reminder of my place. It makes me feel comforted and owned. That being said, I don’t mouth off on purpose to get him to react that way, I really do try to be obedient. Well, *most* of the time, lol.
Sidenote to those who have trouble understanding women like us, like the small “a” anonymous commeter. Please know that we’re not being abused, quite the contrary. I know it’s hard to understand for those who don’t have the need for this specific kind of intimacy, truly, I get it. All you see is abuse and you think we don’t know it and you think that’s sad.
And that would be sad, it would be terrible if we were being abused, except…try to understand that for us, this is an extra intimacy in our relationship. That it speaks “trust”, it creates an additional closeness to have our roles so exaggerated in this specific way. For us, this kind of dynamic gives us such joy and validation that we cannot get any other way. What would be sad if we could no longer have it.
It’s not abuse. We’re not scared. We’re not beaten down. If I ever felt Dan were being abusive, I’d be so gone from here that all you’d see would be the curtains slightly swaying from the speed of my departure.
As a couple, we have all the regular love and closeness that most married/longterm couples do. Tons of that. Just like Kaya and Scott do.
But we also have this little extra “zing” in our lives. This wonderful, edgy, thrilling perk. Like whipped cream on top of the hot chocolate.
So don’t be sad for us. Be happy.
We are.
That’s exactly what I would have said to anonymous had I gotten here first. Thanks!
What’s sad, Amber, is that you feel such a strong need to constantly defend your lifestyle, not only on this site, but on others as well.
It’s also sad the way you make assumptions about a person’s total personality, background and life from two little words, “that’s sad”.
In fact, I understand perfectly every word you have written, having felt such things myself. For decades.
So why is this “sad” to me? Sigh. I guess because I have outgrown it and learned to appreciate love without violence and objectification. So, it just strikes me as sad that a whole relationship is built around abuse. You can argue that it’s consentual abuse. But it’s still abuse. You never know. You might outgrow it someday as well.
But, hey, party on Ms. Know-it-all.
So, I’m confused…what is the reason you’re reading this blog if you’ve outgrown abuse and objectification? What do you get out of reading about the goings on of an M/s relationship if you no longer have that need?
She wasn’t defending her lifestyle, she was defending mine, as it was mine that you came to judge.
Since you only left a two-word, rude comment, that was all there was to make any sort of assumption about your personality. That’s not her fault, that’s yours.
For someone who “understands it perfectly, having felt it yourself”, I’m awfully confused on why you think then that *I* should have outgrown the need that you have outgrown. Or why on earth one must outgrow it at all. Maybe someday I will, maybe he will, who knows. But I sure as fuck won’t go around telling other people who still enjoy it that they are “sad” for doing so.
Why do you assume we don’t have love without ‘abuse’ anyway? (and really, consent negates abuse. The end.)
I can’t for the life of me figure out why you read of things you no longer have an interest in, and then have the audacity to comment on how we shouldn’t have that interest either. Project much?
Go read blogs of people who live the way you do, who share your interests. I promise I won’t run over there and give you my opinion on it. Really. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you can handle your own happiness. I’d appreciate the same, thanks.
You are the last person who should accuse others of audacity or rudeness cunt.
Stop deflecting, anon. Whether I’m rude or not isn’t in question here. Are you unable to answer the questions I asked you?
LOL! So you follow me and keep track of my comments, do you? *highly amused*
What does that say about you? lol
Here is someone who has supposedly outgrown such sexual enjoyment, she is now above all that and yet, she still obsessively reads about those who still enjoy it.
Very sad for you, “anonymous”.
And I will party on, thank you!
They have the right to defend their lifestyle as much as you have the right to defend your way of life. Same thing is applied to me.
If you don’t like the way people are turned on by being verbally humilated or what not, then don’t fucking read the blog. It.is.that.simple. Do you seriously think bitching and moaning about someone else’s lifestyle is seriously going to make them deflect it? I don’t think so.
And you outgrown the objectificaton and the “violence”? Congrats, do you want a cookie or something? I never gone that far to begin with. Can I get a gold medal for that? The farthest I ever let my SO get with me is spank me and smack my butt with a cane. I haven’t even gone to the lengths that Kaya as well as other subs/slaves have gone to and it sounds like you have gone there. You didn’t like it. That’s fine. I never liked it, so I never gone that far. It was my choice. Like it was your choice to go that far and decide it was not best for you. It’s Kaya’s choice as well as others if they want to go that far.
And that is the difference between people who are truely abused and people who like the major maschoism. Choice. People who get majorily fucked up by their partners when they never wanted it, had no desire for it, and live in fucking fear of it are abused. Not people who do bdsm because amazingly, and you should know this since you once did it, people do get turned on by pain.
And before you go there with “but it’s still abuse even if it’s consenual”. Yeah, well, I was verbally and emotionally abused until I was fucking suicidal when I was a child through bullying, which society still seems not to make a big deal out of it. Difference between people like me bullied and people like Kaya again lies with choice and consent. I DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE BULLIED TILL THE POINT WHERE I WANTED TO DIE. I was NOT consent to it. Because of that, that’s why I’m very adament to my SO as well as any potential dom that I’m not into verbal humilation and I don’t want to be smacked in the face. You set your limits to let your Dom know what’s acceptable and what’s not. Because, obviously, not everything in the BDSM world suits everyone.
So, with that said…don’t like what Kaya and the others do…do what I do, don’t fucking do it and don’t bitch to others what they should do with their life. I mean…seriously, how the fuck would you feel if someone suddenly got on your ass for being a light or kink submissive? Or a vanilla? People like different things and as long as Kaya is fine with it and she’s not living in constant fear, or her master isn’t threatening to kill her (which is very common in abusive relationships)…I don’t give a fuck what people like her don’t do. I’m not the world’s fucking baby sitter and I’m not going to get on someone about something that doesn’t bother them or affect my life.
You preach it, sister!
And people like annonymous are the reason my M is afraid to assert himself over me entirely.
Screw the anonymous of this world – haters gonna hate.
beautifully written kaya~
Personally, there’s a couple things these people don’t get…and this is coming from someone who isn’t in a S/M relationship (as you know…I’m just a kink sub).
1. I recently read a comment on Hogtied where someone was saying they didn’t like the update because they were watching a documentary on torture and even said rape. I agreed with the owner of the site about that clear difference that this person forgot there is between BDSM and actual abuse/torture. That is consent. In BDSM, you have someone’s consent if someone wants you to hit them, choke them, or do other things involving pain. In abuse, as well as rape, there’s NO consent whatsofucking ever.
3. Then, you have people that wanat everyone else to have the same limitations as they do. Yeah, not everything a person does works for someone else. I have limits, but I’m not going to expect others to have limits just because I do. As long as that person gives consent, I don’t care if they are limitless.
4. I personally don’t like some things like anal and breathplay. However, it doesn’t mean others have to too…especially if they like it and again, are consent to it. After all, if you don’t like something, don’t fucking do it.
omfd, I can’t believe I did that. It’s supposed to be 1,2, and 3.
*facepalm*
*snicker*
I think people have difficulty separating themselves from what they are watching or reading. They tend to interject themselves, and if whatever is going on isn’t cool with them, they feel the need to say so.
It’s like the many pictures of gory things on Fet. Most of the comments will consist of “I would never!” and “Thats my limit!” or some such thing. As if the person posting the picture was planning on doing it to everyone else. It’s madness, I tell you.
Yep, and I’m like “Well, if it doesn’t tickle your fancy, just don’t do it.” It’s such a simple concept. However, I think this kind of mentality extends beyond the realms of the BDSM world I’m afraid. You know…if people don’t do what you don’t do or you don’t do what they like to do, they have a coniption fit.
On the other hand the “that’s sad” comment could be a bot! Just leaving “that’s sad” comments on people’s blogs randomly across the webs.
“We just had our first baby!”
“That’s sad”.
Uproar!
“I got a raise!”
“That’s sad”
“WAT?”
Ya never know, I’m tellin’ ya. lol