Insert Catchy Title Here

I got a lot of emails talking about Jes and about BPD in the last few weeks, and I can’t reply to them all. I mean, I CAN, I’m physically able to with my working typing fingers and my internet, but I’m mentally not able to. I have read them though, every word, and they’ve been touching and helpful and very much appreciated, more than you can even imagine, but I’m just exhausted with the whole thing right now.

I’m sorry and I know that makes me some kind of uber-bitch, but s’okay. I wear bitch pretty well. Lord knows Fetlife has been pushing my bitch button lately.

~~*~~

So we went to the local munch over the weekend and that was lots of fun. We haven’t been able to make it the last couple of months so it was great to see everyone and to see some new faces. After, we met up at the house of a Mistress who frequently opens her place up for us pervs to lounge about in. There wasn’t a lot of play going on, but Jill got her birthday spankings (though srsly? SOME doms can’t count very well. Just sayin’) and I got to watch some nutsack saline injection, which was pretty cool.

We didn’t play. Neither of us had our head in the game that night. One thing we’ve learned is ‘quality over quantity’ when it comes to s&m and the like. If we (he, especially) isn’t “feeling it”, then he doesn’t fake it or force it. We’ve been down that road and it never ends up well for either of us. So while I sometimes get a little antsy about not taking advantage of opportunities when they arise, especially when opportunities can be few and far between, I’d rather deal with that angst than the angst that follows a session where he isn’t all there.

I did get a little somethin’ somethin’ when I accidentally challenged him by way of remarking that he’d never get a knife up my nose without some seriously secure bondage to hold me still, and he solicited the help of Jack to pin me down on the floor and poke it up in there anyway. I think I bit him though. Master, not Jack. I don’t think I did anything to Jack.

I’m having a real interest in fight scenes lately. I know that’s a helluva turn off for some Doms, but I’m liking it. It’s rough and energetic and fucking FUN. I came out of that little interaction with a couple of bruises on my arms and a pinch bruise on my neck and I didn’t feel a single one of them at the time. I think I might like to explore that kind of play a bit further.

Maybe at Spank if we can make the August session. Though it’s not called Spank anymore. It’s Twisted Tryst. Whatever it’s called, I wanna go. Bad.

We’ve kind of talked about things we’d (he’d) like to do if we can make it. That sets off that whole mess of want/don’t want, excited trepidation shit that has my nerves humming. Please please please let the Universe allow us to go!!

~~*~~

We were supposed to have a cook out last night with some friends, but some stuff came up and we had to cancel. That was disappointing. Hopefully we can work it out for another night soon. :(

~~*~~

Am and B-man are down at my parent’s house and it’s really not been an enjoyable visit for Am. I guess the first day there, my dad went off on some rant about politics and religion and, of course, gays- which set Am off naturally because that’s a serious hot button for her, which pissed my parents off because they have this theory that at their age and with what they’ve lived and experienced, they have a “right” not to just have an opinion but to have an unchallenged opinion, especially unchallenged by some “wet behind the ears teenager who should just respect her elders and STFU”.

Since then, they been tiptoeing around each other, with the occasional flare up of arguing only now it’s arguing over other silly stuff because there is unresolved animosity on everyone’s part toward each other.

While I know that Am can be a bit abrasive and uncompromising and self-righteous in her views… my parents can be even more so. And, unfortunately, I tend to think Am is correct in her views, even if I maybe wish she’d just tone it down around them because they are not going to change.

Sadly, the only thing being accomplished is Am calling me and remarking that this will be her very last visit with them, and likely they are thinking the same thing. So while we’d kind of hoped to delay the picking up for another week, we’re going down this coming weekend to get them. It’s not to anyone’s benefit to extend the visit right now. I already fear it’s done irreparable damage between them.

~~*~~

Otherwise, nothing much exciting is going on.

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Photos- Take Two

(The post was broke. Now it ain’t. *beams*)

In the front jungle, about 2 hours ago. That’s probably the garden thief!

I don’t know why people have such a hard time hunting these things. Master practically walked right up to her to take this picture. She just stared at him like “yes? did you need something?”

The lake we were fishing on earlier this week. Skeery, huh!? The water is so clear, you can see the bottom up to probably four or five feet, then it gets dark. Dark water is super skeery.

It’s especially creepy when I can look down and see weeds waving a foot or two below the surface. They look too much like arms and if I stare too long then I figure a face is gonna pop out and then I would have to die.

I’ve been watching that OCD Project show, with the exposures and shit, and while I know my water phobia isn’t ocd, the anxiety seems similiar. Anyway, the whole exposure thing wherein you just have to do it until the anxiety goes away really works. Every time we’ve gone out on the water, I’ve been less and less anxious, less prone to freaking out when the boat tips. This time I even stepped from the dock to the boat without having a death grip on M’s hand. In fact, I wasn’t holding anything. I think a real “exposure” would be actually getting IN the water but the very thought of that makes me want to cry and makes my bladder cramp.

Maybe next year. It’s taken 6 years to get me to look over the side of the boat. Baby step to dunking. (circa What About Bob?).

Also! I still have bruises from when M beat on my tits at that play party. When was that, like 2 weeks ago?? Damn. That was some hard hitting. Prolly didn’t look like it from the peanut gallery though!

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Home Sweet Home

So the trip was good. We had a couple of glorious kid-free hours, so we spent some quality time together fucking shopping and then we fucked went to this great Mexican restaurant and had Coronitas and chimichangas. I drank four of the Coronitas myself, slammed them actually, which is a whole lotta alcohol for me. I’m usually good for one, maybe two drinks. But Master said drink so I drank.

I think he was hoping to get me sloshed so he could take advantage of me. *nods*

After dinner we rushed back to our hotel where we had wild and amazing drunk sex visited with some friends that we never get to see, and of course they stayed and stayed and stayed and I crashed out at the ridiculously late hour of 3AM 9-freaking-30. Because I. Am a twat. And I can’t handle my liquor. And instead of fucking during our glorious kid-free hours, I fell asleep.

The End.

Boo.

The next day we took babygirl to the zoo for her first zoo experience. And she hated it. Because it was stupid hot and humid and she has zero interest in animals and even less interest in being trapped in her stroller. The highlights of her day (read: the only times she wasn’t crying) were the popsicle I shared with her and the water that I poured into the tray of the stroller that she splashed all over herself.

The last time we took a trip back to our hometown, it only stirred up how homesick I was for the convenience and hustle and bustle of the big town. The restaurants, the stores, the traffic, the noise, the smell of the paper mill. I wanted it all back and I hated leaving it to come home.

This time, the traffic made me nervous, the noise irritated me, and the lights and stores and restaurants were overwhelming. I came away this time homesick for here. For the deer that trot through the yard at dusk, the clear skies with sparkling stars, the smell of fresh pine and earth. The simplicity.

It was good to get home.

Monday we took the fishing boat out on the lake and that was fun. I really like when I have his undivided attention and he can’t escape me. I mean, unless he was gonna bail and swim to shore, I had him trapped. So we just talked and fished and talked and fished and it was a good time.

We hardly ever run out of things to talk about. When I was with my ex, we never talked. We had nothing in common, no shared interest and worse, no interest in sharing the others interests. In fact, we actively prevented the other from participating, and resented any intrusion.

So, this easy friendship and sharing that I have with Master, even after 6 years, is something I cherish. I think I needed the requirement of transparency that came with M/s to learn how to share. To understand how vital it is to maintaining a relationship. It’s still not always easy for me, I tend to either dismiss myself as interesting to him or I bottle it up to avoid making waves…. but I’m so much better now than I used to be.

It’s funny, really, so many people want to point out how M/s or at least our particular style of M/s is unhealthy and yet I am undoubtedly at my personal healthiest. Ever.

Mentally anyway.

Physically…. erm…. not so much. But that’s another entry. :P

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Oh Happy Day!

We’re going out of town for the weekend. Y’all have a happy 4th, or if you don’t care about the 4th, then have a great weekend.

Happy Birthday, Jill!

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