Just Another Kaya Rant

So, definitions and the attempt to isolate a group of bdsm’ers still runs rampant on Fetlife, as it will for time eternal, I imagine.

I have a love/hate relationship with the whole definition debate. It pulls me in like a moth to a flame, even when I mostly don’t care about the flame in the first place.

On one hand, it bothers me that it bothers me. You know what I mean? I honest-to-goodness don’t CARE what people call themselves *for themselves*. I really don’t. If they want to call themselves Master and slave when they have zero of the attributes that *to me* make up M/s, I don’t CARE.

But it bugs me when they prance around the forums handing down snarky advice to the people who ARE M/s, belittling and judging what we do. (and yes, I see my own hypocrisy here. I’m not stupid, just irrational and stubborn.) I’m more bothered that it bugs me than I am interested in trying to define the world.

Obviously, in my own little kaya’s world, there are things that define or disqualify one from being a slave. That’s something I think to myself when I hear a little nugget of advice from them that is not practical or applicable to the M/s world. And god forbid one dare to say something like “Um, but you don’t even live as Master and slave so why…?” because then the wrath of the Fetlife Tolerance Crew will rain down upon your head.

Not that that deters me in any way. As I already mentioned, stubborn is one of my core attributes.

It *really* grates on my nerves when you get the non-M/s folks spouting off on the M/s boards. It seriously does. They don’t identify as M/s, they don’t WANT to be M/s, they do nothing but snark at those who ARE M/s, and yet damn if they aren’t replying to the M/s threads with things like, “Well. IN MY relationship, where I am not a slave, I don’t HAVE to do that and you shouldn’t HAVE to do that either!” and then, of course, what may have had the potential to be a good discussion about an M/s topic is derailed into trying to explain what slave means to us and then you get 25 people who say slave doesn’t HAVE to mean THAT and the importance and necessity of including all opinions for fear of being seen as elitist or out of touch with reality or some such bullshit.

So, god knows that even what we do doesn’t meet the standards of M/s for some people and I’m really okay with that. I have left groups because I didn’t fit their definition or in any way relate to the topics up for discussion. There are other bloggers who insist we aren’t what I think we are because only they are.

It’s not an insult. Really. Because I mostly live in kaya’s world. *beams*

I’ve seriously forgotten where I was going with this. I started this about 7 hours ago, got interrupted by M on the phone, gave Jes a ride to get her brakes fixed on her car, went to the bank, took Babygirl to the park, did dishes and laundry, watered the flowers and garden onions, just came back to it and *poof*… my original point is gone.

Erm…

Surely I was on my way to something.

*twiddles thumbs*

Hey! Cake Boss is on the DVR! Brb.

I think I was just going to rant incessantly about people who don’t even want to be M/s trying to tell M/s folks how they are doing it wrong.

But I guess I’ve lost the head of steam I was apparently building up this morning.

And why do they get so offended when they’re reminded that they aren’t M/s so perhaps they should just mosey on over to another part of the forum?

It’s not as if I’m invalidating them as PEOPLE. Why does it have to be that we (general we) have to keep trying to narrow down the playing field for them to get a clue and go away. Why is the burden on me to explain why I want to hear only from slaves and not from just submissives or just masochists or just switches, none of which have ever done slavery or want to be a slave.

It’s like.. let’s say Woman A has a baby, right, and she gives the baby up for adoption. Let’s even say it’s an open adoption wherein she gets to visit the kid 2 or 3 times a year so she has some amount of input and effect on the child.

Then let’s say Woman B has 5 kids that she’s raising on her own because her husband died. She’s been on her own with the kids for several years, day in and day out.

Both women join a parenting message board. Both are included because technically, both ARE mothers. In its most basic definition of “having given birth to a human”, both ‘qualify’.

Woman B starts a thread asking for advice on her 13 year old daughter who has gotten obstinate and rebellious. Woman A’s daughter also happens to be a 13 year old.

Woman A writes a long list of what she WOULD do if she had to live with her kid everyday, and what she DID do when she visited the kid 2 months ago for a couple of hours.

Woman B reads said advice and finds that the majority of it is not applicable to everyday living. She says so.

Woman A comes back with “there are lots of ways to raise a kid. My way is just as valid as yours.”

Woman B disagrees, saying that while there are lots of ways to raise a kid, giving them away to someone else and only visiting them now and then is not one of them.

Woman A replies that seeing her kid once every few months is all she can manage to do right now but that she’s just as invested in the mother-daughter relationship as Woman B is.

Woman B disagrees and says long distance investment is not the same as every day, face to face dealing. And that Woman A cannot understand the difficulties of mothering in that way.

Woman A screams that she is a mother, too, just as much of a mother as Woman B is.

Woman B disagrees. Again.

Women C, D, E, F and G join in the battle of determining just what qualifies as “mothering”.

Round and round, on and on.. and notice that Woman B’s original question was never once addressed. And never will be. Because there are Woman A’s every-fucking-where.

Why can’t Woman B just say, and expect to have respected, her preference to hear from mothers who have similar experiences? Why does Woman A have a need to fit in where she doesn’t? Why does Woman B have to be all-inclusive? Why is it considered bad to be elitist and just say, dammit woman, you are not a mother! Just. Shut. Up. without being banned for being a bitch. Why is it considered bitchy ANYWAY!

Well there you go. Found my head of steam.

Now I’m done.

We’re having breakfast for supper tonight. Bacon, eggs, toast- I dunno what else. I really dislike breakfast foods in the morning but I love them in the evening. What’re you having?

And don’t you dare answer me if you don’t like b-fast for supper! I ONLY want to hear from breakfast lovers!!

j/k, j/k.

Only slaves can answer. ;-)

(j/k again. Srsly.)

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