Headers

Anybody out there have a talent for making blog headers? I’m in the market. I can’t pay you or anything, but, yanno, my gratitude would be endless. :D

I need two. If you’re interested and bored enough to want to help, zip me an email (kaya at underhishand dot com) and I’ll detail the specifics I’m looking for.

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SSDD

If I were any more blah-er, I could be potted and watered.

I am exactly like the weather. Blech. Gray. Wet. Chilly.

I have a headache that I’m barely keeping from turning into a migraine by popping excedrin which makes my stomach queasy. I can’t lay down because Jes is at work and I’ve got Babygirl, who I’ve nicknamed Hurricane Anna.

She’s officially a toddler now, doing the Frankenstein-walk all around the house. Any other day, she’s adorable. Today, I wish she were still a lump. I’d like to put her somewhere and have her stay there for more than 3 seconds so I can sit down for 3 seconds. I’ve already changed a diaper, made a bottle, rescued her from the cat, taken away my aluminum foil, and gotten her unstuck from under the kitchen chair since I started this post. No wonder excedrin is failing, eh?

Ah well. M is on his way home and we’re going to watch Alice in Wonderland.

Oh I know. Kinky shit, right?

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Stormy

It’s gearing up for a wicked thunderstorm outside.

I love stormy weather. All dark and cloudy and angry. It’s fascinating.

Until the power goes out. Then it can be done.

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Bitchy

I’m feeling particularly bitchy today (pms, FTW!) and there aren’t nearly enough people around to take it out on.

I can’t take it out on Master because… well, because. Because he pays me back and it hurts.

Fetlife is usually a decent target but it’s awfully inactive these days.

I did read one thread though that’s just… mind-boggling in its self-righteousness.

So there’s this girl, right, who wants to be a slave (or submissive, whichever) and she’s a masochist and she likes all the hurty stuff along with the submissive stuff. She met a guy who scratched that itch, he was a dom and did the hurty-dominant stuff, he collared her, yada yada yada.

Then he decided he doesn’t like it anymore. Doesn’t want to be a master, doesn’t want a slave, just wants her to be his girlfriend and, apparently, sometimes does a little slap and tickle in the bedroom, but otherwise, just wants to be a nilla.

She loves the guy but isn’t fulfilled, blah blah blah, she’s confused and upset and… well, you get the picture.

The way I figure it, relationships change because people change. You either change with it or you leave it. Or you stay and be miserable. I mean, there are only so many options here.

What gets me about the replies in that thread are just how many who are laying the blame on HER, telling her she’s selfish or whatever, that she was never a slave if all she’s worried about are her needs, how they would NEVER be that way with their Masters (of course, their Masters aren’t quitting on them either. They might change the direction of the relationship or change the frequency or type of play (hello?! Remember me?) but they aren’t QUITTING the dynamic, ffs), and, get this (!), advising her not only to stay, but to continue on as his slave even when he’s said he doesn’t want a slave in the name of service! How on EARTH does that make sense?

How is that NOT the epitome of disobedience? How is that NOT the epitome of doing it YOUR way, when, in the same breath, they are all preaching how she HAS to do it HIS way?

Argh!

Don’t get me wrong here. I really do believe that the M gets to decide the course of the relationship when he’s the Master, and if he’s steering it toward vanilla waters, then slave is along for the ride. But when M abandons ship? Then doesn’t that mean there is no longer a RIDE at all? And if she insists on riding what is no longer there, doesn’t that, by fiat, put her in control and now SHE is steering the ride and HE is along on HER ride? And how does that still make her the slave?

God. Life is too short. Either you love the guy enough to go vanilla and not try and manipulate him into something he’s very cleary stated he doesn’t want, or you want to be a slave and you move on. The End. (In fact, Imma go post that right freakin’ now! Brb!)

What do y’all think?

You know what it is? Really?

People (some people) cannot pass up on opportunity to show off how much they have “suffered and sacrificed” for their doms. Any chance at all to lord up and detail how they had to give up this or that, and how much better they are than you because they didn’t question it or angst about it or anything because they are SO dedicated… *spit*

Bitches. Self-righteous whores.

I hate ‘em all.

Maybe we should start a new Fetlife. We can call it NavelGazingSlavesRUsLife.

Or something equally catchy.

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Bore. Boring. Bored.

Master’s been working every damn day, which makes for a very boring life. He works, he eats, he sleeps. Ad infinitum.

So I putter, I eat and I sleep. Meh.

So far, my plants seem to have made it through the frost pretty well. Some of the flowers lost buds and a couple of leaves took on that blackish hue, but nothing (so far) looks to be dying. There are lettuce and spinach sprouting in the garden, and one tiny cucumber poking through. The onions still look good and one of the two zukes that I planted is growing. The other one? Who knows. Maybe a mouse ate the seeds.

I haven’t been able to make it to the gym as often as I’d like. Partly because I had put the yard/garden as priority for my energies, but also partly because Jes got a job (yay!). Not only am I babysitting, her car is in the shop (and will be for awhile because she needs to hit her dad up for the money to pay for at least half of this repair. We’ve paid to get that car fixed too many times already) so she’s using our’s. Hard to get to the gym with no transportation!

Of course, now our car is acting up, too.

Do we know any mechanics? Anyone in our local vicinity wanting to make a few extra dollars? Get in touch with me! (ooh. Imma post that on Fet too. Fet is like the new craigslist for perverts. *nods*)

So, otherwise, there is nothing of excitement happening in the house o’ kaya. The kids’ last day of school was Friday. I’m not sure that B-man passed everything. The kid is intelligent- but lazy.

Oh. Here’s an event I can share. It made me cry though.

I have a nephew who is… oh, 28 I think. Anyway, he’s been with this girl for a couple of years, a sweet, sweet girl. They’ve desperately wanted to have a baby for a long time.

The girl has a condition of some sort that makes carrying to term difficult. She can conceive just fine, but not carry and in the last couple of years that they’ve been trying, she’s lost 4 babies. It’s been heartbreaking for them. My niece (his sister) offered to surrogate and though they were thinking about it, they hadn’t yet reached that point.

It’s been difficult for them to attend family functions in the last couple of years because there have been pregnancies and babies. I can only imagine, especially after Jes, how hard it must have been. To wonder why someone so ill-prepared for motherhood, someone who didn’t even want it can so easily have it, while they, so prepared and wanting, are denied over and over again.

Last Christmas, she let it be known that they were expecting again. She also, very firmly, forbid anyone from buying them a single baby item. She said if anyone bought or gave her maternity gifts or baby stuff, she’d never speak to them again.

Nor would she discuss names or sex or anything at all to do with the baby’s future.

I don’t know what condition she has. I know she was taking once (or twice?) daily shots of some medication to help her “hold” the baby, but I didn’t ask what. She wasn’t very open to talking about it, or talking about anything.

Bad karma, bad luck, bad vibes, or being jinxed- she just wasn’t going to let herself get excited. Even when she only had a few weeks to go, she wouldn’t go there. She’d had a stillbirth at 8 months along before. There was no safe time, no milestone to pass, to let go of the fear.

Last Tuesday, she delivered a baby girl. A healthy, full-term, 7lb., gorgeous baby girl that she named after her grandmother. I wasn’t even there and I cried. For them, for the new mom mostly. You just know she’s got to be the happiest mother in the world right now.

Imagine the love that babygirl is going to be showered with. It just warms the heart, doesn’t it? :)

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In My Dreams

4:30AM forced blowjobs are hotter in fantasy than in reality what with the morning breath and the cotton mouth and the crusty eyes.

But 4:30AM forced sex is way hotter in reality than in fantasy what with the multiple O’s that scrub the sleepy cobwebs out of your brain- even with crusty eyes.

True story. :)

~~*~~

So, a note from the kaya-files:

Tis better to get your lazy, sleepy ass up out of the bed to ask your M something when he’s on the pot doing his morning duty than to throw something at the door to try and get his attention, scaring the fucking hell out of him. As soon as I heard him scream like a little girl yelp, drop his book and the “Jesus Fucking Christ!” I knew I’d made the wrong choice- even if I did pick the softest thing within reach to throw at the door (my slipper), and not the heavy bottle of lotion.

The wild-eyed look he had when he whipped the door open to glare at me completely made me forget what I was going to ask anyway, cuz all I could do was giggle insanely. He told me later that I scared him so badly that his sphincter slammed shut and he’s been constipated ever since.

That just made me giggle more.

He tells me I have sadistic tendencies.

~~*~~

We had frost this morning when I went out to start his truck. Frost. Fucking frost. ALL OVER THE STUFF I PLANTED.

If it dies, I’m going to pitch a fit the likes of which haven’t been seen before. I’m not even going to tell you how much money I spent on flowers. Too much to have it ruined in one, fucked-up, overnight frost in the month of fucking JUNE! Gah!

Next year, I’m going plastic. Srsly.

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Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

A while back I asked Master if I could be done blogging and he said no.

I was surprised that he said no. I honestly didn’t expect it. I didn’t think he’d care one way or the other. This place is so far from what it used to be for us. But he said no, said I still needed it.

Oh rlly?

Be damned if I know wtf for, though.

I mean, I have it all figured out. I know it all. Me and M/s? Like this.

It’s as simple as kitten’s formula (which I can’t link to because she doesn’t blog anymore *sniffle*).

The magical formula, as I remember it: Shut up. Listen. Do what he says.

The end.

Easy peasy.

So, I shut up (sort of) and I listen (mostly) and I do what he says (usually).

Lo and behold, he’s happy (overall).

Lo and behold, so am I.

So we had a very productive weekend. We got a lot of work done, both inside and out. The garden is done, everything that I’m planting has been planted (Onions, zukes and cukes, green beans, lettuce, carrots, spinach, parsley, watermelon, butternut squash and, of course, the hanging tomatoes ). I could have easily filled up a garden twice the size of this one, but as it was we had to go and get another 30 bags of soil to fill this one. Maybe next year I can add more beds. I’d like to get in more rows of beans, a bigger lettuce patch, more melens, maybe a pepper plant or two (we don’t like peppers but they’re nice to have as flavoring here and there). I’d like a strawberry patch and a bigger blueberry patch (they grow wild everywhere but wild blueberries are teeny tiny. Imma get me a big bush and plant it somewhere.) I’d love to have a corn patch, get into brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage- I could go on all day.

Master wants to plant apple, plum and cherry trees in the fall. I still want to have chickens, and a goat, and for some reason, my mind keeps turning to bee-keeping. Probably because I’ve never in my life been stung by any sort of bee so they seem so harmless to me.

Since winter takes up so much of the year up here, I should think of things to do that don’t rely on warmth and sunshine. “Being of service” is so much more than being at his beck and call. Proactive and productive fits in their somewhere, too, I think. Forget rituals and training, work with what’s available to me 24/7- my head and my ambition.

The other day, Master remarked to me that it seemed like things in our life were clicking into place. That’s exactly how it feels. Sure, we have struggles but they don’t seem so insurmountable anymore. What will be will be.

One thing I do need to work on right now is finding another source of inspiration for dieting and working out. Since I started, I’d used going to Spankfest as my motivation. I didn’t have a number goal in mind, just a general “I’m going to lose as much as I can before Spank!” sort of mantra. Now that we aren’t going, I’ve slipped pretty far.

I’m not beating myself up about it though. There is no point in it. So I had a bad couple of days, so what? I get up tomorrow and I renew my resolve. And, after this Friday, Am’s joining the gym for the summer and becoming my workout partner. She needs it as much as I do, and we can encourage each other. We both need to drop about 30 lbs to be at a healthy goal weight.

And then, sometime this summer, somewhere July-ish, Am and B-man are going to Grandma’s for 2 or 3 weeks, and Jes will either be in her own place or is going to the Baby-Daddy’s place to visit. We’re looking forward to some kid-free time so we can get our freak on.

I guess thats it for now. Until next time…

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