Funnies

I have no idea what’s up with me today. I can’t seem to get into chores or the garden. I’m exhausted. Maybe I should revise my earlier declaration of not having pms because this sure is what I do when it’s coming. I feel like I’m trying to move through jello. Just knowing I need to shower makes me wanna take a nap. Ugh. Anyway, so I’ve been fucking off on Fet and surfing the web inbetween forcing myself to do a chore now and then.

Blogging mojo? I can haz it back, plz? kthnxbai!

Yesterday, while sitting in the waiting room of the doc’s office with the kids, I read this in a magazine, thought it was hilarious so I came home and found it online. We cracked up over it.

GOD TEXTS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg’s

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. :-X only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie re: bf

10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

And of course you know there had to be an LOLCat Ten Commandments, right?

Exodus 20: Noo Roolz – Teh Ten Commanders

1 Then Ceiling Cat spoked all them werds:

2 I iz Ceiling Cat An I iz Top Cat, An I broughted u out of hawt litturbawx wit no cheezbrgrs for hard mousin at all

3 No can has other ceiling cat!! U gotz other Ceiling Cat, I shoot yous wit mah lollazer eyes. Srsly.

4 If u try be Ceiling Cat of any of mai creayshunz up in floaty skai, down in erth or in watr or I shoot yous wit mah lollazer eyes.5 If u think faek Ceiling Cat iz Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded An ur kittenz ded An if yur kittenz have kittenz, dey be ded too, for being stupid and stuffs.6 If not I wuv u An all ur lotz uf kittenz!

7 U sez Ceiling Cat bad, I shoot yous wit mah lollazer eyes, cuz I dun liek it. Srsly.

8 Remembur Caturday An keep holy.9 U ketch mousies 6 dais An finish ketchin, K?10 Caturday, u no ketchin mousies. U An all ur peepz go wrship me. And, if yu beez gudd, I maks it so yu can stays home and do alla stuffs yu wanted tu doos.11 I maded heavenz An erth An see An the stuff that does teh funney hoppey stuffz in An on it – so I make it holy cuz I no ketch mousies.

12 Bez u good to papa kitteh An mama kitteh so u has long nine liefs.

13 U no maek peepz ded with teh malice! Srsly!

14 U no maek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than ur wief (that mi jobz!).

15 U no taek cheezburgerz for free if not getz for free.

16 U no tell bad stuff ov ur neibor.

17 U no wantz neibor cheezburgerz! No wief, no gurlz, no menz, no abimalz, NO BUKKITZ! DEY NOT UR BUKKITZ, K? dey da LOLrus’ bukkits.

18 When peepz see mai great orkestr wit thundr An all cool speshul effects thei wur scairdey wimps

19 Thei sed to Mozus ‘U goez speek to uz An we will listen; but Ceiling Cat will shoot us wit His lazer eyes!’

20 Mozus LOL’d lotz, An a bit moar, for thei wuz such scairdies, An sed ‘Ceiling Cat no maek u ded; he just wantz to hav fun wit u gais An maek u scairdey cats so u obei him.’

21 But peepz wur still scairdies An let Mozus go ther to Ceiling Cat.

Ceiling Cat roolz for idles an alters
22 Ceiling Cat sez “Tellz them scairdies: ‘U see I meowed to u from big ceilingz.23 U no mek me of silvar or goldz.

24 U mek me altar of kitteh-litturz An gif me pwnz0rzed animulz ther An I gif u cheezburgr.25 But u no maek me altar of bjutiful stonez. DO NOT WANT!26 An u no use steps on altar or I can see ur penises. DO NOT WANT!”

Bwahahahahaha!

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Get off the road.

Just a small bitch about parenting teenage drivers. Because I just almost DIIIIIIED!!

When Jes started driving she was still living with my mother. So I missed the majority of it. I probably lamented that fact at one time, all woe-is-me about missing a milestone of impending adulthood. One thing I will say about Jes though, is once she’s decided she’s capable of doing something, she goes straight for it, like a stubborn bull.

Now, though, I’m rather glad to have missed it. I’ve been in the car with her. She drives like a stubborn bull. Just ask the rear end of the car she hit last summer. Oy.

When Am started driving, she approached it with the same methodical, slow determination that she approaches most everything. She didn’t care that all her friends were starting driver’s ed when they were 15, she knew she wasn’t ready so she didn’t sign up. When she thought she was ready to drive, she started with short jaunts down our country road, content to drive a mile at a time until she had a feel for the car and the steering and the pedals. THEN she signed up for the class.

Even now, at 17, she doesn’t have her license. She’s been driving on her permit for over a year and she thinks that she’s just about ready to go try for her license. But, no hurry. No stress. No pressure.

B-man. B-man is 15. He’s… he’s so not ready to be driving. Just.. not ready. And, while I know it’s my parenting duty to teach the kid how to drive, I’m really at the point of just plain refusing and making him wait.

He’s been in driver’s ed for about two months now. But there is just something reckless and dangerous about his approach to it. He’ll argue with me before just doing what I’m telling him to do, and in driving where seconds count for real, arguing over whether or not he has to stop/go/slow down/turn/whatever, cannot be.

I’ve tried to be understanding of his need to learn. I’ve tried to be cool, calm and collected in the car. I KNOW how yelling at a driver only makes them nervous.

After this morning though, I think for the safety of everyone else in the world, Imma have to be the big bitch of a mother and revoke his driving privileges.

Correction #1: First thing, upon backing out of the driveway, didn’t even slow down at the end before pulling into the road. His response? “Jes does it!”

There is a way to check for cars WHILE backing down the drive. An experienced driver can do that. HE? Did not. He just… flew. Backwards. Straight on to the road. He was in the road before I could sputter out an objection.

Correction #2: Blew the stop sign at the end of the road. His response? “There’s never any traffic coming anyway!”

But see, there is traffic. That’s why they put the fucking sign there! Matter of fact, the traffic that DOES come, comes at 50 mph because it’s a country road and they EXPECT the people coming off the side roads to fucking STOP at the STOPSIGN.

Correction #3: Upon turning onto the highway, we are driving up to an intersection and encounter a flashing yellow stoplight. This flashing yellow stoplight is always there. Always. 24/7. It flashes yellow, never turns red. Ever. It’s flashing red for the people coming up the other way because they have a stop sign.

He? Slams on the brakes and stops. At the flashing yellow. In the middle of the HIGHWAY. With people coming up behind us at 55 mph because they don’t expect people to come to a dead stop in the middle of the highway. My frantic squeals to “Go GO GO!” before getting rear-ended by the logging trucks screaming up behind us are met with a “But yellow lights confuse meeeeee” whine.

Correction #4: We’re approaching a curve. A sharp curve. We take this curve multiple times a day to get where we need to go. It’s a 15 mph curve. He enters it at 30, arguing with me as I’m saying “You need to slow down. Start slowing down. Slow the fuck- Jesus!” with him going “My driver’s ed teacher said we shouldn’t hit the brakes going into this curve. He says that- Oh. Oh! Oh shit!” as he has to crank it hard, the tires squeal and he’s driving, now, in the wrong lane.

By the time we get to the school, I’m in full on lecture mode, and he’s all “I hate driving with you! You just yell at me! Waah!”

I’m sorry, kiddo. But being put at risk of death 4 different times during a 3 mile run to school at 7:30 in the morning makes me edgy.

All I see when he gets behind the wheel is dollar signs. I see our insurance premiums skyrocketing. I see Master’s wallet puckering up like an asshole looking at an enema tube.

He scares me behind the wheel. Scares me for him, for myself, for other people on the road. He’s just not ready.

That is all. My heart rate is almost down to normal now.

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