Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

Look At My Cummy Cunt!

That was one of the search terms that brought someone here.

Look at my cummy cunt.

I have never, ever, ever, ever (ever. I mean it!) used the word ‘cummy’.


In fact, I try not to use the word ‘cum’ even, let alone ‘cummy’.

I have more imagination than to be stuck with ‘cummy’. Wet, juicy, dripping, sopping, drooling, filled, leaking- I mean, shoot! Cummy. Puh-leaze. How old are you, 12? And if you ARE 12, GTFO my site. Where is your ‘mummy’ anyway?

In other non-kink related news- Master bought me the new Stephen King novel. Have you seen that baby? It’s massive! I’m uber-squeed to get to read it. First he said he was going to make me wait until Christmas to read it, but I puppydog-eyed my way into getting it now. I have to finish the book I’m reading though (and had JUST started when I got the SK one). It’s a who-dun-it type so I’m skimming it to find out who-dun-it.

Over the weekend we went to the movies and watched that 3D Christmas Carol. I thought it was pretty good, though definitely not a kids movie. I really liked it. Now I want to see 2012. And maybe New Moon but I’m not sure. Twilight sucked major balls so.. meh.. maybe not.

In kink-related news- we went to a play party after the munch this last weekend. Strangely enough, we didn’t play with each other. I got a couple of experimental whacks from another Dom who had toys I’d never experienced before, and Master got to whap on a girl who was new to almost everything. We never managed to whap on each other though.

Well, not that I whack HIM- but you know what I mean.

Actually that’s not entirely true. When I was standing there watching him I made a smart-ass comment and, without even turning around, he snapped the singletail back at me and left a welt across my shin.

Fucker! I’m totally reporting him to the Safety Police. You can’t whip someone’s *shin*! My leg coulda falled off! I hope they fine him but good.

Speaking of anger and disappointment (because I totally was. You just missed it, that’s all)- there’s a reoccuring topic on Fetlife about the concept of being devastated if your Owner-type becomes disappointed in you.

All of this “The worst punishment is his disappointment” .. blah blah blah.

It just strikes me as so much trite bullshit.

Not that I challenge anyone who feels that way. I don’t. If it is that devastating to you then I completely believe that it is.

It’s just not for me. Like.. not at ALL.

I mostly just kind of shrug and think, um, so?

I know I’ve said otherwise in long-ago posts. I know I have. I was wrong.

Mostly I think I probably parroted what I’d heard so many other slaves that I admired say. Or, maybe I even wanted it to be that way for me, like it seemed to be for everyone else, so badly that I tried to convince myself that I was devastated. Kind of the theory of “fake it til you make it”.

But I’m so not about trying to fit in or ‘do it right’ or any of that anymore.

Or..maybe I was devastated back in the early days. Maybe I’m so used to disappointing him that it doesn’t bother me anymore.

I’m just not upset when I disappoint him.

I mean.. I AM. Momentarily. But I’m not crushed by any means.

Take this morning for example. Yesterday before Master left for work, he laid out a shirt and asked me to sew a button on it. Well, the day was what it was, I had to run B-man to the doctor which was unplanned, Jes was leaving for two weeks so I got busy helping her pack up and get out the door, then I rushed around trying to get the house cleaned up and supper going before he got home so I put off the button sewing.

He even reminded me when he got home. I told him I had every intention of sewing it before bed, that I hadn’t forgotten (because I really hadn’t, I was just busy) and that he didn’t need to worry (read: don’t ride my ass about it. I’m on it!)

And then… yep… completely spaced it out for the rest of the night. Did not even think of it at ALL.

So this morning he asks me about the button. You know that deer-in-headlights look? Well I got the deer-in-headlights feeling. But it’s pretty fleeting, you know what I mean?

I fucked up. Admittedly. I disappointed him and I felt bad.

But, once I’ve apologized, what ELSE can I do about it? I can’t turn the clocks back. I can’t fix it, can’t change it. I didn’t intentionally forget, I didn’t blow it off as unimportant, I didn’t refuse to do it. I didn’t want to disappoint him. That I DID is regrettable, but not devastating.

It didn’t ruin my day, in other words. Didn’t ruin his either. He ribbed me about it for awhile, I profusely apologized, then he laughed and told me to punish myself by masturbating.

Seriously! Is he the most awesome guy EVAR or what?!

Point is, disappointing someone or making someone angry is a fact of life. It’s part of being human. If I was devastated every time I acted like a human, I’d spend a lot of time being emo in the corner.

How is it for y’all? Am I the only callous bitch ’round here?

21 Responses to “Look At My Cummy Cunt!”

  • TakenbyLovely

    “Am I the only callous bitch ’round here?”

    Not hardly! I irritate Daddy so much, and blow it off so much, that it takes a lot for me to register oh, he’s really mad this time.

    That’s probably not entirely good, because it’s hard to accept responsibility for things when I’m going, “Oh, that’s just how he is. Everything pisses him off.”

    Then again? Everything DOES piss him off. I got into arguments with someone who felt the need to talk shit about ‘how I talk to him’ or tell him that HER slave ‘would never get away with that shit.’ It took me a long time to get her to understand that Daddy doesn’t get on me for every damn thing I do, but rather looks for patterns in things, because otherwise he has no clue if it’s ME or if it’s bipolar/OCD/jerkfaceness shining through.

    I don’t like disappointing him, either…but I do it. Just like he disappoints me sometimes. Just like sometimes my kid does, or hell even the bird. Fact of life, carry on carry on…
    [rq=1214906,0,blog][/rq]Public Post

  • TakenbyLovely

    OH! And I can’t wait to read the new book – I looked it up. The review I read said the ending was a little disappointing, but aren’t they all anymore? It’s like he blows his wad three quarters of the way through and can’t figure the rest out, or he’s got his agent going, “Wrap it up, we’ve got to get this one out there!”
    [rq=1214951,0,blog][/rq]Public Post

    • kaya

      “It’s like he blows his wad three quarters of the way through and can’t figure the rest out, or he’s got his agent going, “Wrap it up, we’ve got to get this one out there!”

      Yesss! That is him, on the nose. His endings are CRAP. But I can’t help but love reading his books. Except for that one series.. The Dark Tower? I can’t. I’ve tried. Just can’t do it.

      • TakenbyLovely

        Oh man. I hated the first book but LOVED the rest of the series.

        Funny enough, that one has a really well-thought out ending. It’s totally sad, and you hate it because you have to, but it’s also the only way it could end, I think.
        [rq=1216512,0,blog][/rq]Public Post

  • Chloe

    I don’t fear disappointing him in little ways. If I try and fail, he’s never incredibly disappointed anyway. And he’s aware of human error… So he might be disappointed and I might feel like crap, but it’s not a big deal.

    BIG disappointments are very different. I DO fear them. When he’s disappointed in the “She didn’t even bother trying” way, or something, yeah. But it’s not actually his disappointment I fear. It’s the result. He doesn’t ignore me – he treats me like a roommate, sort of. He’ll still do the whole, “Go ahead and make me coffee” bit. But he asks me more questions about what I want to do that day, where I want to go, etc. He doesn’t call me names or display random dominance. He’s talks to me, but he doesn’t banter back when I say something suggestive or nuzzle him. He doesn’t grab at me or smack my ass or shove my head in his crotch. Nada. Like… I dunno. Like he genuinely thinks I am not up to handling my position.

    And yep, I HATE that more than anything.

    He’s sleeping right now. I should go wake him up. I’m going HOME today! *sulksulksulk*

    ~Chloe, who will say “cummy” one more time, so that now it’s a legit way to search for this blog. Also will say “octopus porn” and “cake farts.”
    [rq=1214851,0,blog][/rq]“Press on. Obstacles are seldom the same size tomorrow as they are today.”

    • kaya

      I’m totally going to make “grandma fucking” the next search term to take people to your blog. *nods*

  • Eamane

    I saw that topic ^-^

    Personally for me I hate either- but I’m pretty sensitive in general.

    Disappointment gives me a hollow feeling in my stomach that doesn’t go away until he forgives me, but Sir isn’t a grudge holding kind of guy so after I appologize things go back to normal.

    Anger on the other hand scares me and can leave me shaky for quite awhile afterwards. But again I appologize and things go back to normal after a few hugs.

    I never quite underestood “oh disappointment is so much worse” thoughts. It seemed rather juvenile- I felt that way towards my parents but in reality it’s because they lay a guilt trip on you. Dom’s who do the same seem lazy to me. (Just my opinion of course)

    • kaya

      I don’t understand it either. Gimme an “I’m disappointed in you” over that blue stick on my ass any day!

  • danae

    I get that moment of feeling upset that I disappointed him. But I am not devastated. Mostly I am really pissed and disappointed in myself. I beat up on myself for not keeping on top of things. And then I get over it and just try to do better next time.

    And when he tells me he is upset with me on something I don’t understand at all…then I get frustrated or annoyed. In the end it doesn’t matter what I feel though – just as long as I obey.

    Not to long ago he got mad at me for not just going and getting him what he asked for right away. I had stopped to ask for clarification as there are 2 of the thing he asked for so I was asking which one he wanted. And he got mad and said just do what I say. But internally I was saying DUDE it is a reasonable question…but externally I just nodded and said, “yes Master” and went and fetched him what he asked for. I was thankful I was able to keep my mouth shut as it was one of those moments I know if I would have said anything more he would have been more pissed.

    So in those type of situations when he says he is disappointed, I mostly say “I am sorry Master” and move on because internally I don’t “get it” – I just think okay this is what he wants so I will do it. Usually later I will bring it up to him when he isn’t pissed. And often he hasn’t changed his mind. He still wishes I would have just went and grabbed one – he didn’t care which one. And as he says that internally of course I am going would it have been so hard to say “either one.” And I would have been merrily on my way to get it. But in the end it doesn’t matter – he did what he wanted. And I should have just went and got him one. I disappointed him and like you said I can’t go back in time, but next time I know I will just got get whatever it is he wanted. And on that one time I bring him the item and he says he wanted the other. I will just go and get the other. Because it is his rules and he can change them as he goes. And he often does. It is my job to obey him.

  • junebug

    I am so right there with you on this one – but if he ever asks I’ll lie through my teeth.

    Here’s a confession I’m only making because I know he doesn’t read this, sometimes I’m even glad when he stops with “I’m disappointed with you”. This little red devil comes up on my shoulder and says – good job girl, you got out of that one without a two hour lecture. I know it’s not very subby of me, but ffs do we really need to get all dumpy and feel crappy about every little thing?

    I’ve read those threads on Fet and don’t even bother to comment because I know I’ll get blasted. What amazes me is that some of the folks that feel that way have been doing this a long, long time.

    When we first started out, I would be all emotional and get worked up about every little thing. If he needed something I was hopping to it and felt bad if I saw him getting his own drink. Now, when I see him get his own drink, that little devil on my shoulder smiles and pretends not to notice and I keep on doin whatever I’m doin with only the slightest twinge of guilt. I save the guilt and bad feelings for the stuff that really matters to us.

  • HouseWench

    This comment ended up being pretty long, so I think I’m going to make a post out of it instead ^^;
    [rq=1216318,0,blog][/rq]Microfantasy Monday – Games

  • spicy

    hey nope your not the only one your growing some is all good job

  • Violet

    I can sort of understand disappointment in the bigger sense, like Chloe said. If it’s just a little thing like forgetting to sew a button, then sure. I’ll blow it off. It’s a button, he’ll get over himself.

    When it’s something BIG big, like … I dunno. I rarely do it, so it’s hard to think of an example. But when he gets really disappointed, and lectures me, then tells me to leave him alone the rest of the night? I’m left feeling like SHIT. It’s still not the OMG WORST EVAR thing, but it sucks, and can be very effective.

    Hope that made sense?

  • Lexi

    No, it sucks more when he’s pissed off. If he’s disappointed, and he starts on the “I’m disappointed in you” bullshit, I feel like he’d be talking to me like I were four, which I assure you I’m not. The worst punishment is when he’s hell-bent on making sure I NEVER perform that transgression again.

  • thepinkpoppet

    Lately nothing seems to surprise me when it comes to the way people find my blog..or anyone’s blog. A few days ago someone used the term “pussy quaff-fart” and came to my blog…I have NEVER used the term “quaff-fart” in my blog. LOL.
    [rq=1219450,0,blog][/rq]e[lust] #1

  • Kim Crystal

    “cummy cunt”? Really? And why “cum”?

    It’s “come”, unless your a sleazy purveyor of online porn, which you are not.

    • Leanansidhe

      I thought the generally acceptable usage was ‘come’ for the action, ‘cum’ for the product. To differentiate, if you will. Have I been incorrect all this time?

      And you say ‘sleazy purveyor of online porn’ like it’s a bad thing.. :)
      [rq=1230289,0,blog][/rq]To Sir, with.. well. He knows.

  • viemoira

    Well, I think there’s a difference between the guilt and devastation when you know you really fucked and disappointed verses neglecting to get something done but having every intention of doing so. Yeah there may be disappointment either way but the levels are differing depending on how bad you disappoint and the situation. Therefore I cannot categorize how I handle an emotion directed at me unless I understand the intensity of such.

  • Biddable

    I’m not turribly bothered about disappointing the Captain in and of itself. I don’t like doing it, but it’s hardly the end of the universe.

    Actually receiving the “I’m Disappointed In You” talk does kill me, though. Because I only get that if I have cocked things up so badly that he can’t even be bothered to get angry.
    [rq=1221242,0,blog][/rq]Food For a Fortnight – FFF #1

  • Nina

    I’m with you sister!

    You can’t really do nothing about it except think about it and try not to do it again next time.

    Submissives will disappoint in one moment… we aren’t perfect, so if you want this to crush you, it’s pretty… bad.

    And your Master it’s AWESOME, wish mine could let me masturbate as punishment!

    [rq=1222200,0,blog][/rq]Uh huh

  • Tina

    this is strange. I am not young. Nor childing, I think. But my master manages to put this massive distress on me just by “being disapointed”. That is in one very special situation, though. We are having sex in the evening, and I am very tired. He makes it more and more painful for me, because he is a sadist and not at all tired – but very horny. Then I am whining and howling, louder and louder, and that is impossible, because of the kids. He then stops. Very very frustrated. But just says, in a friendly tone: Okay. Good night sweety, sleep well, then. And I – every single time – am so shocked and frustrated and tense that I am up all night.
    Literally. Bugger.


Allowed tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>