I’ve got some thoughts rattling. It’s just some stuff I read that sparked one thought to another. Not necessarily anything that I am currently struggling with, but certainly a projected path that I could imagine.
Proactive service vs. Presumptuous service.
Lets talk for a minute about Slave O and Master M.
O wants very desperately to be a good slave, to be what her Master wants. Master M has spent a number of years working with, and training O to be everything he’s ever wanted. O feels like she has a pretty good grasp on who M is, what he wants, and in how best to serve him.
Over time though, as can happen, life starts weighing them down. Age, health, money, kids, work, stress… it’s all there. Sometimes, just getting through the day zaps all of their energy. The M/s is never gone as it’s too much of an ingrained part of who they are to ever slide completely away.
An accurate analogy of them might be “the surface of the river is deceptively glassy, while underneath runs a strong current.”
But Slave O and Master M aren’t content with ‘deceptively glassy’. They miss riding the rapids. They’ve talked extensively about it. Master M, while agreeing that he misses it too, appears uninspired to suit up.
Slave O, after waiting some time for Master M to whip up some whitecaps, begins to think of ways that she could proactively “encourage” Master M to resume his post as Paddle Captain.
But it’s a fine line, don’t you think, between proactive and presumptous?
Because of…
Feeling Obligated vs. They Get To Do What They Want
It seems a rather common thread amongst most M/s couples I know that the dominant gets to do what he wants when he wants (within the laws of reason, I suppose. Wanting to be able to fly isnt going to sprout him wings once he hops off the cliff! Likewise, wanting to stop working won’t pay the bills.)
But let’s assume that Master M is a reasonable and intelligent adult and forgo any complicated wants. He wants what he wants when he wants it, agreed?
Good.
Now let’s say that Slave O, pure of spirit and mind, proactively sets up a scenario in which Master M is confronted with the obvious want of his slave. Let’s say she shuffles the kids to a sitter for the night and greets Master M at the door sans clothing. Let’s say she’s spread his favorites toys out, and she slips to her knees before him and bows her head to his feet.
Master M would look at his slave, naked and on the floor, groveling at his feet, view the toys, notice the quiet that only occurs when kids have left the house. The music, the wine, the lighting- but mostly the naked chic on the floor.
It is obvious what is supposed to happen here. There is, without question, a feeling of being obligated. She’s done all of this work, created this stage, arranged this time.
Now, if what he wants to do right at that particular time is to ravish his naked woman until they are both left dehydrated lumps of flesh on the rumpled bedsheets, then all is well and good. Because doing what he wants to do trumped obligation.
But what if the only thing he had been thinking about all day at his grueling job was how he couldn’t wait to get home, turn on the football game, put his feet up and snore his way through the second half. He wanted a cold beer, some hot food and some sleep. In that order.
And gosh darn it, he’s the dom, he’s the Master, he’s created a living environment in which he, yep you guessed it, he gets to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.
Instead, he opens the front door to- naked slavegirl.
Does he remain true to his wants or does he give in to obligation?
The pat answer is that he’d remain true to his wants. That seems vital to the core of M/s.
Right? Except for…
Anticipation vs. Disappointment.
Slave O has definite expectations on how the night will turn out. She giggled while kissing the kids goodbye. She got the nervous-sweats rushing to get the house set up before he came home. Her fingers shook so badly she could barely strap the cuffs around her wrists. And she had to wipe her inner thighs-twice!-while laying out his favorite toys.
Her cheeks hurt from grinning, her heart damn near escaped her chest when she heard his key in the lock.
Exactly how much would Master M be destroying in her if he does not give in to the obligation to meet her expectations?
Pretty huge, I’d think.
How much of himself has he compromised by following her lead?
No matter how much Slave O is cautioned to check the expectations at the door, no matter how many times she’s experienced expectations falling flat, no matter how much she knows, how much she believes in and arranges for and supports that her Master M gets to do what he wants when he wants to do it– no matter ALL of that–expectations remain.
Maybe they’re softer. Muted. But they exist.
Without them, while it may be true you’d save yourself from some devastatingly disappointing moments, you’d lose anticipation. And I happen to find anticipating big moments to be half the fun of it.
However, placing those expectations upon Master M, arranging scenes, whether proactively or presumptuous, and then anticipating the outcome seems to muddy the once perfectly white waters that they used to raft on.
Because, one cannot always tell who is…
Leading vs. Being Lead
I take umbrage at the idea that the Master of the relationship carries all of the burden and responsibility of said relationship.
Yet, the fact remains that given the nature of how we relate, our hands are tied on just how much responsibility we can assume, just how much we can direct the day to day before we are, in fact, directing the relationship itself.
Too much active participation, and we become The Leader.
Too little active participation, and we, perhaps, cease to matter.
That probably sounds a bit melodramatic. One could say, well, I hardly think you cease to matter just because you step back and let them do what they want when they want! After all that’s the core, that’s the key!
But- think about it…
God Syndrome vs. Masterhood
Humans are selfish, self-absorbed creatures.
Desires run deep and hard. People put themselves into all sorts of impossible and ruinous situations to fulfill their own desires.
Desires are kept in check, hopefully, by your internal compasses. Maturity, morals, ethics, integrity, honesty. After all, some people ARE alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Those internal compasses are shaped by life, by circumstance, by your peers and associates. That compass changes direction based on where you are, who you are with, what the circumstance is.
How often do we hear that someone is a completely different person at home than they are at work, or when they are in a social situation.
Or, more shockingly-How often do we hear how that serial killer who mutilated 7 young girls and lived next door was “the nicest guy! I just can’t believe it! He used to rake my leaves!”
If Master M is always and forever quietly supported and encouraged to do what he wants when he wants without regard to Slave O’s expectations, needs or wants, then he WILL stop seeing her.
He’ll stop SEEING her. Not with his eyes. With his mind. With his compass.
She will cease to matter. His ego will cloud out his better judgement. He’ll become so convinced of his superior needs and wants that he’ll forget she even had any. Or, simply dismiss her’s as worth attending to.
He’s treated as a God, he begins to think he is one. Above reproach, above expectation.
Above being a disappointment.
So what does she do when she’s fervently wishing for a white water rafting expedition and Master M is stuck in an eddy?
I don’t know.
It seems a slippery slope, with sharp rocks at the bottom.
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday November 23rd, 2009 8:58am | 
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