Something’s Gotta Give

That “something” is gonna be me.

I’m so so so tired of the battle between mom and slave. I never get it right, this blending of the two characters.

I’m not interested in lectures about how I am both of them all the time, blah blah blah, because it’s bullshit. I am not. Maybe that’s my own doing, maybe that’s how it had to be due to the ages of my kids when this started, but wherever lies the fault, it is what it is. My slavery and my mothering are entirely separate entities.

I’ve detailed here more than once the ongoing difficulties of co-parenting. Even without trying to maintain M/s, blending families is difficult. Blending families with teenagers is even harder.

Meh. Even writing this is hard. And pointless, probably, except that I’ll feel better when I’m done.

I’m the central figure in this house, the one that holds the rest of them together. That’s not an egotistical claim, it’s an honest observation. Nobody else likes the other here. They all like me, they all revolve around me, they all come to me and talk to me and use me as the go-between for everyone else.

Nobody talks to anyone else. I’m the message center, the planning center, the information center, the peacekeeper. If I am in the room, the rest of them can be in the same room together, with me, all of us. If I leave, they scatter. One of them will be in each room of the house, by themselves, not talking to anyone, just waiting for me to settle somewhere. Then they’ll slowly flock back to the room I’m in, until I leave again.

I’ve tried extracting myself from being that central point. I don’t want that post. But the only thing I get for my efforts is banshee-type screaming amongst them all. Things literally begin to fall apart. No matter how determined I am, the house doesn’t function until I resume that post.

There’s always tension between Master and the kids. Always always always. They tolerate each other for my benefit, I think. Sometimes I think I see a glimmer of genuine affection and I get my hopes up– but it doesn’t last. There isn’t. There is toleration at best, slow-simmering dislike at worst.

Jes and Am hate each other and can’t manage to ask the other to pass the milk without being snippy about it. Case in point- that girl who killed herself was a friend of both of them, and they couldn’t/wouldn’t talk to each other about it. Oh they talked to me, separately, they cried and we hugged and talked- but to each other?Not a single word.

B-man is the brightest of the bunch and just stays in his room most of the time. No wonder he wants to smoke pot. Maybe I’ll join him.

This may come as a big shock to y’all, but did you know that it is absolutely impossible to please 4 people all at the same time? I mean, really! Who’d a thunk?

So here I am (again) battling between mom and slave.

If I put Master first too often and am too obvious about it- the kids get hurt/pissed/indignant. They get all “why do you stop talking to me when he calls you from the other room when we aren’t allowed to interrupt you?” and “if you can get HIM a glass of water then you can get ME a glass of water” and “Mom! We’re important too!”

If I put them first and do something for them at the expense of him having to wait? If I “serve” them or get up to go see what they want when they call me or drop what I’m doing to help them, then he gets pissed at me.

And God forbid I make an error in judgement and think I can get something done for them real quick before I devote myself to him and it ends up taking a whopping 20 fucking minutes instead of 5 because that obviously means that I’m just using him or that I like them better or some such cockamaimie bullshit.

On the flip side, the kids will also stomp off feeling unloved and ignored if it happens the other way around.

Every direction I turn becomes a personal insult to the one I’m not facing.

And fuck me if I don’t suspect they are doing their damndest to sabotage the other. On purpose. Getting their digs in when and where they can, not even realizing the only person getting poked in the process is me. You can’t be hurt by someone that you don’t care about and none of them care about the other so- yeah. I’m also the shield while they hate each other.

I’m just sick of it. Sick, tired and done.

I give.

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