“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”
Master and I had a little spat the other day. It was nothing serious, I don’t even remember what it was about or who started it. One of us snapped at the other, the other snapped back and before the end of it, I was walking away with my little feelings all hurt.
I’ve come a long way in learning how to “fight”. We both have. It’s sad to say that neither of us had a clue how to do that effectively when we first met. But we’re better, the two of us. It’s no longer a character assassination, we aren’t out to wound each other or to “win”. And every spat does not signal the beginning of the end. In other words, there is no reason for me to stomp off and start throwing my clothes in a box simply because we don’t see eye to eye on every subject in the world.
Oh yes, we really were that bad.
Progressive as we have been, I’m still trying to learn an appropriate way to be angry. Slavery and submission complicates what is already a complicated thing, don’t you think?
There is one thing that I do pretty consistently when I’m angry that I really need to stop doing. It’s such a small thing, and probably sounds stupid-silly.
I’ll sneak off to the bathroom without asking. Dumb, right?
I know I’m going to get caught. I know it’s going to piss him off and I know he’ll punish me for it. I know it only makes a bad situation worse.
I know all of that. I do it anyway.
But I feel bad when I do it. I’m not trying to rub disobedience in his face, I don’t *want* to get caught. I don’t want him to catch me. You’ve never seen a faster peer than me in those seconds when I’m trying to get done before he wonders where I went. I don’t want to be punished and I hate hate hate that moment when I’m in there and I hear his footsteps approaching the door and then that quiet knock.
It’s really a god-awful, stomach-sinking feeling.
Then there is The Talk and The Look and The Consequence. It all just makes me want to drop through the floor and die.
Yet, the next time I’m angry or hurt, I’ll do it again.
So this time, after it happened and after I got caught, I took the time where I wasn’t allowed to do anything else (The Consequence) and really tried to examine why I do this, every single time. There had to be a connection, because it’s only that one thing, that one rule that I break.
If it were a matter of simple disobedience, then I’d run around willy-nilly breaking all the rules. But I don’t. No other, except that one.
I’m not deliberately trying to make him angry. There are far more effective ways to do that! And if it were that, I’d flaunt it. I’d strut right past him on my way to the bathroom and slam the door in his face. I don’t do that. I’m furtive and sneaky and wait until he’s in the other room and I have reason to think he’ll be in there long enough that I can get in and out before he notices.
It’s not a matter of trying to snatch back some control either. I could do that in any number of ways that it’d be way more blatant than going pee.
It’s always just that one single thing. I otherwise serve and perform and behave as if nothing had happened. Perhaps with a bit more… oomph? I might be a little more, um, enthusiastic about handing him his coffee cup. I might add some extra-special voice tone to “You’re coffee, Master.”
But other blatant or deliberate acting out just doesn’t happen.
Or so I thought.
I happened to think of another one while I was pondering.
I’ll often, but not always, try to get into bed without getting naked. I’m not always successful in that because if he’s already there and is watching me get into bed, I cannot be deliberately disobedient under his watchful eye. But if he’s not there yet and I’m getting into bed first, I keep as many clothes on as possible.
I’m not supposed to wear clothes to bed.
I remembered that and suddenly it was all clear to me. Because I know exactly why I try and keep my clothes on when I’m angry.
I hate sleeping with any clothes on. I didn’t need that to be a rule in the first place. Clothes make me feel tied up and strangled when I’m sleeping. I slept naked before I met him. I’ll sleep for shit if I have clothes on in bed.
But I’ll try and keep them on because being naked in front of him makes me feel vulnerable.
Anger is a protective emotion. When I feel hurt or afraid, rejected, invalidated (and any one of those can be the result of something that he and I disagree about. Especially considering that, very often, my opinion is dismissed due to being the slave and having to acquiesce to his wishes) anger forms a protective layer to keep from being further exploited or wounded.
I don’t want to let go of that protection. I need to hold on to it until I’ve come to terms with having been overruled, or invalidated. It’s not that I’m pouting or stewing, I’m dealing, but without allowing myself to be “harmed” any more.
Vulnerability, exposing myself (in body or emotions) in front of him, erases anger. I can’t maintain that protective exterior, the anger, when I’m vulnerable. The two emotions just don’t mesh and vulnerability wins out.
If I lose that protective shield before I’ve made my peace with being dismissed/overruled, well I don’t know what will happen. I might implode or something.
So I try and avoid situations with him that put me in a vulnerable position. Like being naked. And, most especially, asking to use the bathroom. I avoid them until I can do them- on my terms.
The reason why asking to use the bathrom makes me feel so vulnerable doesn’t matter, I don’t think. It just does. You’ve no idea how humiliating and degrading it is to have to do that when I’m NOT raw from whatever disagreement we may have had. I… bah… I can’t even explain it.
The goal, that I can see, isn’t in erasing the vulnerability that I feel. In fact, I dare say keeping that vulnerability is important.
The goal is, perhaps, not shutting him out of that. Not wrapping myself up in that protective blanket of anger and excluding him from the process.
Not being vulnerable on my terms- but on his.
I need to not believe that I’m losing something if I let go. That there is nothing to be gained in trying to hold so tight to that control. That I am, in fact, losing something every time I wrap myself up in that security blanket.
Preferably without imploding, though. I have enough to clean as it is.
~cunt
ps. Day 4 with no revenge extracted. I think the statute of limitations is up, don’t you? Too bad so sad!
Tags: anger, M/s ramblings, realizations
Uncategorized | kaya | 
April 24, 2009 8:25 am
I think you’ve hit the nail right on the head! We don’t have a M/s relationship and I have always slept nude for the same reasons as you, but after a fight I want to wear clothes and wrap up in blankets (I try not to, only a nightgown, sometimes). I also wrap up in blankets in front of the TV. I hold the blanket tight around me like a hug because I feel sad and in need of reassurance and protection from my feelings of vulnerability. I hope you feel better – know how that can kind of hang around for a while.
Now, aren’t you really glad about that cream.
There are NO limitations to the statute! Perhaps he’s waiting for a long enough period of private time for delivering his revenge.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure there’s no statute of limitations for fire oil in the buttcrack.
If it was me, there’d be talk of exploring the off-label use of those little “Atomic Fireball” brand hot-pepper jawbreaker candies.
I was thinking about your last post as I was organizing our toy closet this morning. I started thinking about the time you organized yours and all the evil stuff in there he could use to extract his revenge. So of course now I am on here for my Kaya fix and to offer you my sympathy lol(don’t forget the pics and video! bwah ha ha) I have to agree there are no statute of limitations on such a naughty thing. I personally can’t wait to see what he has dreamed up for you that is equal to that. : )
As for this post I understand what you are talking about. While we are working through things I usually end up in more clothes or something in my lap and even after while I am still working through it I use more blankets or won’t get naked in front of him.
learn an appropriate way to be angry
I don’t think it is to change how you feel or are allowed to feel but how you express it.
I think the going to a room alone thing is a normal reaction – fight or flight and you aren’t sure how to express “anger” (fight) where it is “appropriate” to him so you “flight”.
they come hand in hand – together you have to figure out what is an appropriate response to your anger – “hiding” or “not expressing” anger isn’t an appropriate response for anyone – kinky or vanilla.
I have a question. Whenever you have gotten upset in the past before you met him, have you always gone to the bathroom whenever you are upset or angry? If that’s the case, then I don’t think you’re being disobient to your master. I think you’re acting on an instinct that you’ve developed as a way of you coping with turbulant emotions.
I don’t like to be around people when I’m pissed and upset. I want to be alone. I don’t want someone to see the black smoke emitting from my nose and ears while my eyes turn a hellish red (this is not literally, but it would be highly amusing if I looked like that…lol). I don’t want to take my anger out on someone because considering I used to be a punching bag for people when I was growing up, I don’t want to do the same thing to others. I don’t want people to see me cry. So, whenever I get pissy or upset, I make a break for it either downstairs in bed where I keep my front averted from darling’s inquisitive eyes…or I fled to the bathroom.
Darling is the type of man that wants me to talk about what makes me pissy or what makes me upset, even if he’s the source of it. He knows I have a hard time keeping my issues bottled up until they explode like Mount Tambora. However, what I have tried to tell him is that other than having a dislike being around people when I’m not in a good mood…I’ve gotten used to comforting myself out of habit due to all the shit I went through when I was growing up. I didn’t want to bother anyone with that, so whenever I was pissed or upset…I repressed it from the world, but released it in private.
So, if you going to the bathroom is your natural way of coping with emotions…then I don’t think you should feel guilty for doing something that has become second nature to you.
I don’t mean that I go into the bathroom to hide. I mean I go into the bathroom to use it, which I’m supposed to ask to do. And I don’t ask. If it happens that I have to go to the bathroom when we’re fighting, I don’t ask. I just go. It’s being disobedient because I’m angry.
Being able to leave the room to calm down isn’t an issue. He’d much rather I’m calm and rational when I want to talk than in the midst of a temper tantrum.
Oh, okay…I had thought that the bathroom was one of your refugee places to go to whenever you were upset. Sorry if I misunderstood
I totally agree with you on the vulnerability part. Just as you reached that conclusion, it was dawning on me too. Because I do similar things after we’ve had a spat, little moments of disobedience that he can’t even see. And I sneak around doing/not doing them; I really don’t want him “catching” me. It’s not about getting negative attention.
When we’re disconnected it feels like an empty gesture or something to do the things I do happily otherwise. I’m uncertain, unsure about our relationship.
The symbols and rituals are so meaningful for me that I don’t want to do them at all if we’re not “in sync”, you know?
I do the same thing when it comes to getting into bed. Feeling naked and vulnerable is exactly what it is like. Its different to be on good terms and submit, but to be fighting… or to be angry about something, even lack of sex and submission. I feel too naked, like I must hide.
I have even made excuses as to why I needed to wear clothes or the like for the night.
… the anon is no longer so… anon *blush* sorry about that
Named or not named, I like ya either way.
Hm… okay, somehow I’ve missed this. What’s The Consequence?
Nothing…lol
Like “The Look(tm)”, you know?
The consequences for disobeying I just dubbed “The Consequence(tm)” so that I don’t really have to detail what the consequences are as that’s not really a part of figuring out why I’m disobedient in the first place.
Does that make sense?
i think the vulnerability is exactly why i never wanted a m/s relationship. i have a daddy and i NEED a daddy, and i’m vulnerable in a lot of ways, but if i couldn’t retreat into my shell just enough so that i can calm myself down and cope with the situation, i think that would be a very unhealthy situation for me. if i had to live by certain rules 100% of the time (and fear punishment and disappointing my daddy), i would be constantly walking on eggshells, which is something i simply cannot do. (if only because i’ve done that in other relationships living with a passive aggressive defective person and it really fucked me up.)
i enjoy reading about others’ experiences in m/s relationships, and i admit it’s erotic and fascinating, but what you’ve talked about here regarding vulnerability is why it’s a poor fit for me in the world of bdsm. it’s just something i can’t get over. i understand that you see it as just another facet of your life. it makes a lot of sense that slaves just deal with this (albeit with some turmoil).
perhaps that’s the magical difference between a “slave” and a “submissive.” i have no idea.
The bathroom thing. I so get that.
I sometimes say that I could go for weeks without talking to him as mad as I get…except for the bathroom thing. I can be stubborn and not eat or drink, but unless I choose to wet myself (which I don’t imagine would go over very well) I have to ask for the bathroom thing. Nothing makes me madder than already being furious and having to ask for something as mundane as that.
Kaya,
Two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have understood what you meant be asking to use the bathroom making you feel vulnerable; now, since I’ve been in the hospital, I get it. I didn’t have to ask to use the toilet in the hospital, but I did have to use a small plastic urinal so they could monitor my liquid output. They also asked every day if I’d had a bowel movement in the last 24 hours. It’s obvious why they have those requirements; they need to make sure all the plumbing is still working, especially after something like a heart cath.
Still, even knowing all that, going to the bathroom is perhaps the single most private thing we do as human beings. Most healthy people acknowledge sex, many even enjoy watching or being watched (raising hands). Not so much unination and defication. There’s not a huge market for videos of people peeing and crapping. We teach our children to close the door on those functions long before we teach them anything about sex. When this function that we’ve been hiding from the world for so long suddenly has to be publised in some way, the vulnerability is immense. So yeah, I totally understand vulnerable.
I suspect that’s why asking to use the bathroom is frequently a part of M/s relationships. Slaves are supposed to be so utterly vulnerable to their Masters and owners and this one thing can reinforce that vulnerability so much more strongly than any other thing (except perhaps having to do it in front of Him). And you’re absolutely right about your goal. You so need to embrace and share the vulnerability with Him. Easier said than done, I know, but so important.
As for the statute of limitations: I looked it up in the slave’s handbook (published by Master’s press LLC). it says, “The statute of limitations for putting fire cream in a Master’s ass is 5 days from the time of the occurance, or whenever the Master chooses it to be, whichever is longest.” I don’t know how much this will help, but there it is.
Dave
I agree with your conclusion and the others that have offered their opinions, but mine is a little different, and here’s my disclaimer – no offense intended, if I do offend, well… you know what to do.
I have done the same thing and it is an act of defiance, no matter how you look at it. You know the rules, yet you do it right under his know (even though you’re being sneaky).
You’ve talked at great length about the differences between being a slave and a submissive. Well, asking to go pee is really, really submissive and can be really hard, expecially when you’re upset and not feeling oh so submissive. But, isn’t that the point of having to ask? You have to submit, even when you don’t want to.
I dunno about you, but sometimes I think I’d rather have a beating than have to ask to go to the bathroom. Another one I just HATE – I have to tell him when I start my period. I don’t know why I hate it so much, but my little brain goes, I’ll tell him later. Pregnancy isn’t an issue and I am so far past being shy about it, but I just HATE having to utter those words. I think Dave is spot on, you’re a grown woman and it is oh so humbling to submit in things you’re fully capable of.
OH, OH, OH, just had an idea. Maybe you can tell him that you’re not a submissive, your a slave, sooooooo, you really can’t be expected to submit ALLLLL the time. (good luck with that one)
hugs,
junebug
It’s not at all offensive.
But. *grins*
“Maybe you can tell him that you’re not a submissive, your a slave”
Exactly. We already know this though. I am not a submissive by any means. I AM a slave and I submit because, as a slave, he tells me I have to. Submission has never been my gig, it’s not my motivator, it’s never what drew me to this lifestyle. Slavery and control and pain did. Submission, in a roundabout way, appeals to my masochism because it IS so hard for me to submit.
Gah. It’s hella more complicated than I’m explaining but I have to go. We’re leaving.
Yikes.
Reading this post was like holding up a mirror.
Each and every time I’m angry with Master, I find myself quietly sneaking away to the bathroom without permission. I cannot, simply CAN NOT, make myself ask for permission…
And I try so very hard to be stealthy about it. But I’m alot like a 3 year old getting into the bag of cookies who has no idea that sound can travel.
I try getting into bed with clothes on, too. It never works, but I act soooo exhausted and “oops, I’m still wearing my clothes?” when I do it.
My motto:
If I do’d it, I gets a whippin’.
*pause*
I do’d it!
this post struck home on many levels. in fact, so many levels i want to think about it overnight. I’d never considered about how anger protects me, shields me from vulnerability. thankyou.
xx
I have to ask permission to take a bath. On your typical day, I shower. I ‘sneak’ into the bathroom to bathe when we’re fighting. I think, though, that mine is *mostly* an act of defiance (because, really, I rarely take baths, and don’t have much interest) and also because the bathroom’s always been my place to escape and cry.
I’ve realized, too, that it’s my way of going, “Okay, I’m done fighting.” I need closure to arguments, and my deep-down hope is that he’ll come in and feel the slightest bit of sympathy and comfort me and accept my apology and we can be done fighting. In a way it’s the exact opposite of you…there’s hope that he’ll realize that I am not this big strong woman but am really a little girl and I need him to realize that I AM vulnerable and stop being angry at me.
Of course, I haven’t gotten the part of my brain that stupidly thinks that to comprehend that disobeying is not the way to obtain that. Thankfully, I’ve gotten very good at ‘as you wishing’ when an argument might arise so it doesn’t happen often now.
For the longest time I couldn’t say “I love you” when angry with G. And I think it was for the same reason. It’s been a really long journey (not yet completed) for us to learn how to argue well too and a large part of that journey is learning how to express ourselves, feel our anger, and still remain open to one another. It’s a hellish combination when our immediate reactions are to be defensive. Live and learn I suppose.
I do this exact same thing. Not the same action but the whole “I’m hurt. I’m gonna crawl into my shell for a while.”
He’s fixing my arguing pattern. When I know I’ve crossed the line into disrespect he’ll call me on it and I get all huffy and silent with a “don’t wanna talk no more” attitude. Then I want to leave the room. He doesn’t let me, the sod.
I’ve found I always find easier to do what he says when I’m happy. It’s when I’m pissy that it gets harder. If I’ve had a bad day at work or I’m just ‘in a mood’. When I’m pissed *at him*… Treble it.
Probably for the same reason as you but I’ve never sat and examined it. Now I have something to do at work!
He is waiting until you least expect it; it’s forgotten, right? It’s more fun that way; or so i’m told.
When i get angry, even for a minute, i feel the need to go and punish myself (especially if i’m angry at Him). i do it without even thinking about it. Then, it starts this whole cirlce of Him thinking that i’m still angry and i need my space, which makes me feel bad and therefor i must punish myself even further. This repeats until finally i work up the nerve to go and talk to Him about it.
And why is it, that it always seems to bother me much MUCH more than it bothers Him? lol
Wow…now THAT was a run on sentence.
I do stuff like this too – like purposely not putting my chain on in bed or silly things like that. I also don’t flaunt my disobedience in his face. Instead, I just like to repeat my ‘victory’ over and over in my head while I say all the snarky little comments I’d like to say to his face, but can only repeat in my head.
Wow. You are one intelligent chick!
this almost hurt me to read it…. although never in an M/s dynamic (D/s) there are of course many parallels. ONe of the MOST painful, vulnerable moments I can remember is being naked in the bath and D. coming in, fully clothed, standing there, chastising me for something I had (knowingly) done. I will NEVER forget it- even know and it was several years ago, I cringe. it was brutal. I remember getting up, water and bubbles streaming off me and he, calmly, holding my wrists when I tried to open the door behind him. Talking to me rationally, firmly -oh lord it was hard.
I think your insight if RIGHT on. Hang in there.
I’m the same way about the naked-thing when I’m angry. And I deeply consider all sorts of disobedience.
I think one reason for me, why I’m contemplating fucking up, is because I want the proof that he loves me and that this relationship isn’t going to fall apart because we are angry. If I fuck up, he will either let it go (in which case I will be terribly disappointed and decide the relationship is failing) or he’ll punish me, and I’ll know for sure that he loves me and that I’m tucked safe and sound in the security of his discipline.
It’s stupid, I know. But when you’re angry you do stupid things, so it’s best to have at least figured out why, so you can trying to catch yourself before you fuck up too bad. Or at least so you can later explain to your partner what the hell was going on in your head!
I hope this post helped Master S. to understand you on this issue, so you can work on it together!