“Emotionally shattered on the inside instead of being physically battered on the outside.”
That’s a quote from DL’s toy’s blog post. The subject is emotional sadism, something that intrigues me, and her, but not something there seems to be a lot of talk about.
People are much more willing to share stories of physical sadism, even approving the fact that a sadist will often push a masochist beyond her “good pain” point, through to tears and snot and quivering panic over pain. That all seems part and parcel to the sadist/masochist dance.
Even if the girl claims to not be a pain-seeking masochist, there’s an atmosphere of “well, that’s what you signed up for!” that surrounds it. Unless SHE herself claimed that she was being beaten against her will and said that she felt abused, most of us fellow bdsm’ers butt out.
Not so much when you start diving into the emotional side of it. Even mild emotional sadism gets the stink eye. Start referring to your submissive as “Fat Ass”, “Worthless Bitch”, “Stupid Fuck” – and watch how quickly the protests fly. To me, name calling is mild, even such personal attacks as those.
Though even with name calling, there does seem to be an acceptance to it if the person on the receiving end of it clearly enjoys it. There is one girl I know whose ‘name’, given to her by her Dom, is Worthless Pig. I know a lot of people might cringe at such a mean cognomen, but for her, it’s a term of endearment. Her obvious affection for the nickname soothes the bristled fur of those who hear it.
But I want to go past the names to harsher instances of emotional sadism. I want to ask about those who don’t like it, and, for whatever reason… do it anyway.
For the purposes of clearer discussion (should there be any and I hope there is!), let’s leave out the notion of leaving the relationship. Use any reason that makes sense to you for why leaving is not an option, because what I’m really trying to get to is *how* to deal with the emotions and aftermath without having “Run away!” be one of those suggestions. What we are seeking is the thought process and the intensity of the emotions that follow such events from those who engage in it, as well as the thoughts from those who fantasize about it or wonder about it.
Scenario 1: The girl sees her Dom fairly infrequently. He’s legitimately busy, as the infrequent visits are not part of the emotional sadism. For her, the visits have become cherished, special events. She anticipates each visit with a child-like glee.
He knows how much she values this precious time and, because he’s a sadist, sometimes uses it to hurt her. Perhaps he comes for the visit and rather than interact with her, he locks her in a cage or in another room for the entirety of his time there, barely laying eyes on her, let alone speaking to her. Maybe he keeps her where she can see him, maybe he puts her away where she can only hear him. Whatever, the point is to to not give her that which she’s come to treasure- His attention.
It is not a punishment, it is not meant for any purpose other than for his amusement. To see the longing in her eyes, to know how much she’s suffering in the other room, alone and lonely, while he blithely watches the television.
Scenario 2: He shows up with another girl in tow when they, as a couple, have never discussed seeing other people. What they HAVE discussed is that he can do whatever he wants, the specifics of which hadn’t been clarified. He ties his sub to a chair next to the bed, and proceeds to play with and fuck the other girl in front of her. It is the sight of his sub sitting there, heart shattering, silent tears of hurt dripping down her cheeks that fuels him on as he uses the other woman.
Scenario 3: He tells his sub to find him another for a night. He specifies what she is to look like, taking all of his sub’s imagined or real body flaws and requesting that the new girl look better. As in, “Your tits are too small so make sure she has nice big ones. I want her to have a smaller ass than your fat one. And be sure she can suck dick better than you.”
To twist the knife even further, he places her in the next room and forces her to listen to his moans and grunts of pleasure as he fucks his “perfect” girl, while she, the “imperfect” one, is completely left out.
Scenario 4: Same circumstance as number 3, only the sub is forced to stand and watch as he points out the other girl’s more appealing attributes. “See? This is what boobs are supposed to look like.” or “Why can’t you deepthroat like she does?” Then he forces you to engage in belittling yourself by agreeing with, or repeating the same sentiments. “Yes, Master, my tits are hideous and her’s are beautiful.” etc. etc.
Scenario 5: [Insert your own personal hell here]
I’m curious to what any of you think is the purpose of such emotional sadism. Is there one at all, beyond that it might make his dick hard?
One thought I had, and that was echoed by toy on her blog, was that she’d lose some sense of self. While toy mentioned that as a less than desirable outcome (if I understood that correctly. Correct me if not, toy, please), it occured to me that losing some of her sense of self IS the point. One of them anyway.
I mean, it seems to me that to get a submissive to the point where they can handle such obviously soul shattering episodes, being able to suspend, if not shut off, your sense of self would seem of paramount importance. Perhaps then, the trick is in just how much to destroy and how dangerous would that be?
One of the comments over there, by Doll, said: “The problem with emotional sadism is that it could insidiously alter self belief until all confience is gone. It blurs the boundaries between being a submissive or becoming a doormat that just takes the shit off the boots of the sadist.”
And while I agree with that, somewhat, one has to wonder if being that kind of “doormat submissive” isn’t the goal of it all.
I realize that doormat is tossed around as an insult and submissive’s tend to fall all over themselves denying that they could ever be that dominated.. but me?
Honestly, I think it’s hot.
I find that kind of blind, thoughtless submission to BE the goal. A goal that I may or may not ever reach (I certainly don’t seem to be wired for it, but too, neither have we been able to engage in such practices that would completely obliterate my sense of self.)
I understand that in doing so, should we ever get to that place, it would open the door for him to be and do almost anything to me. At this point in time he is still maintaining my sense of self, still encouraging free thought, and, rebellion actually. I don’t expect that to always be the case, nor do I particularly enjoy this time period. I much preferred what we had before when we just dabbled in more extreme methods of control and personality/mental adjusments. I, for one, look forward to the obliteration of *me*.
As toy said in a reply: “it could also take the submission to a whole new level, positively speaking, right? There’s more possibilities of one hurting from it but all that aside, it could just be a new level of humility, subordination, objectification, and submission.”
As with anything else, if you want the possibility of great success, you have to be prepared for the possibility of great failure. But you’ll have neither one if you never try.
Maybe it will be just a coin toss on which way it will go, maybe success relies on the talents of the Dom or the inherent strength of the submissive. Who knows?
So I guess I’m hoping to hear from other’s who have been there or who will be there. There are people I know who are facing this and it’s difficult for them. Unfortunately, I seem to come at this from a different angle in that even just writing about it has gotten me all hot and bothered. I am eagerly anticipating scenarios such as those above, ready to dive headfirst into the pain and misery such things will surely spark in me, and damned be the after effects!
While some of the same insecurities and what-ifs roll around in my head, I’m soothed by a deeper sense of security. I know that *no matter what*, my time spent bound and broken on the floor is temporary, that no matter how low he will make me feel, I remain held in a higher place in his heart. The fear that I feel toward it is not one of abandonment. I’m not sure if perhaps that is the one tiny piece that changes it from not-okay to very-okay. Perhaps so.
However it all will work out for me, I am not in a position to personally offer words beyond what I have here, which is little help for them now I’m sure. Whenever I’m in a place where I need words that I don’t have, I turn to you fine people, as your experiences, thoughts and wisdom for outshine mine most days.
Input? Please? I will beg.
~cunt
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday April 14th, 2009 11:22am | 
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