I was just thinking about how quickly it happened.
On November 25th I was still quite happily entrenched in being a slave, being controlled, being.. me. Had anyone even suggested that I wasn’t perfectly content I’d have laughed in their face.
On November 26th I felt like I was being smothered in a wet blanket and I threw it off with rather shocking ease.
I’m thinking that internal enslavement, the brainwashing, the inability to leave, the destroying and recreating – it’s all smoke and mirrors. It feels real and convincing right up until the very second you don’t want it anymore. And then all of that careful conditioning? Nothing but an illusion, only workable because you believed in it.
Now I feel like I was duped. Or something. Not by Master**, not even really by myself. Maybe not by any one person so much as by the elusive “community”. The ideal that it presents. How easily one is led to believe in the illusion.
Like all those infomercials about weight loss pills.
Just take this pill and you’ll be model-beautiful in just 6 easy weeks! So you sign up for 3 easy payments of $29.99 and you take your pills faithfully, like a good little bee. Somebody says to you, hey, yanno if you wouldn’t eat a dozen Krispie Kreams for breakfast, you might lose weight! and you shake your head and hold up your magic pills. Someone else suggests moving your fat ass off the couch and getting a bit of exercise but you confidently wave your pill bottle in their face. You point at the infomercial which doesn’t even suggest diet and exercise. You pop a pill and prop up your feet and wait for the results that you were led to believe you’d get.
And 6 weeks later you’ve gained 5lbs. You were duped. By stupidity or blindness or laziness or just because you wanted it so bad.
How damn often we, a collective community “we”, through prose and gifted writing, through cheesy poetry and heated debates, through an unwillingness to show a crack in the facade, we create beauty and bliss. We create a Utopia that doesn’t fucking exist.
Where is the Dystopia version of M/s? Where are the ones facing what happens when “just shut up and do it” isn’t applicable? What happens when your individual needs, one neither more right nor wrong than the other, clash so hard and so strong?
Why, gee, I think I have it right here!
I have a really strong urge to hide. Go figure, right? No wonder you are never presented with the end of Utopia. Those people don’t splatter it all over the place. They gather up what’s left of their pride and get the fuck out of dodge.
I really think there is something on the other side of this though. It may be an extremely ugly road to pass but I don’t think I’m at the end of it by any means. I think what we had was a carefully crafted illusion and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. I think there was a lot of pressure to maintain that ideal.
But I think what we WILL have won’t be. Because now, there’s nothing to save face over. Does that make sense?
~~*~~
It’s been an interesting few days around here, as I’m sure you can imagine. There is SO MUCH to figure out; the logistics of this are mindboggling. And so much, still, is out of my control, and out of his. The economy, uncertainty of the real estate market, employment viability, there are contracts signed, and not mythical M/s ones, but real ones, legal ones, ones that actually honestly and for real can’t be broken without dire consequences.
And in the middle of it, the two of us sit. Unsure and tentative. Both hurting, both wanting, and both wounded. Feeling too vulnerable to make a move.
We love each other though, you know? I mean, it’s undeniable. I can’t stop my hand from snaking over to his when we’re in the car. He can’t not reach out for me when he passes me in the hall. We tried sleeping apart and neither of us slept for shit. Now we spoon and we cuddle, and we sleep well, but our hands stop just short of touching where it’s suddenly private.
And isn’t that a doorknob to choke on.
We’ve talked a couple of times about having sex. Quiet little whispers in the dark. Do you want to? Do YOU? I do, but do you? I do – but I’m scared.
And I am. I don’t know how to do it without…. I don’t know. Without the power exchange, without being the submissive partner. And I think he’s unsure, too, of what position to take. Too dominant, too forceful and will it scare me, push me away? Too far the other way and it’ll fall flat, spoil it, make it even harder to do it again.
I’m very much aware that we’re making this far more difficult than it should be. Why shouldn’t we have sex, make love, or even fuck? We’re married, we’re not *quitting* each other or moving on to different relationships. We’re not divorcing. We still want each other.
The other morning, he sat up on the side of the bed and said, “I almost took you this morning.” and my heart thumped. His voice so quiet, so… sad.
“Why didn’t you?”
“It’s not my place anymore.”
I said nothing.
Navigating these waters is difficult. In some moments I’m almost giddy with power, and other moments, like each time I walk into the bathroom, I have a pang of longing that reaches my toes. I catch myself asking for permission for things, tripping over words and flushing with embarrassment just as often as he’s stumbled over issuing orders, or issued it, shook his head and then just gotten up to do it himself. Or added on a “please, if you wouldn’t mind, when you have time, would you do this for me, cu- I mean, Tess.”
It’s sad and it’s painful yet it’s funny, when we can laugh at ourselves. But only once did I try to playfully answer back “Nope. I don’t have to do that anymore! Ha.” because the look that crossed his face – I hurt him. And I won’t, can’t, go there.
~~*~~
I’ll be looking for a job starting next week. And then I’ll be checking into schools and such. The move was going to take place first but because of the aforemention important details that don’t really care what problems are occuring within my relationship, the move is pushed back a bit. So, that’s okay, as it’s only changed the order of things.
But if I don’t do something soon, if I don’t make a move to establish some undeniable independence, I can feel that we’d drift right back into the relationship that we had. His dominant nature will resume control and my submissive nature will resume submitting, and pretty soon, 6 months from now, probably without any real thought to it, we’d be right back where we started.
~~*~~
Some time ago, we were invited to a play party, one that we were both looking forward to. After last week, we’d both agreed we shouldn’t go. But last night, we acknowledged that we’re still kinky freaks, regardless of what title we don. And we should go where we can mingle among freaky friends and try this shiny new relationship dynamic on for size.
I don’t know exactly what that relationship dynamic IS.
I wonder if I could talk him into bottoming seeing as how we’re changing things up so much. I mean, really, I’d be nice (cough). I’ve a few experiences I’d like to share with him. A few…. favors…. to return.
;-)
~Tess
** I’ve tried to stop my brain and my mouth from calling him Master and it’s just not working. Probably I will switch back and forth, using whatever name makes me feel comfortable in the moment. I apologize for the confusion but, frankly, right now I’m not up for forcing any more change upon my person.
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday December 15th, 2008 7:02am | 
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