“Do you have the time to listen to me whine?”
There is still a whole week left before Master comes home. *whine*
I’m bored, cranky, horny and lonely. *whine*
I totally missed Love Our Lurkers day. *whine*
I have nothing to blog about. *whine*
It’s really cold sleeping alone. *whine*
Anyone up for some Q&A fun? Something to occupy my time and keep me from arguing myself to death on Fet. You ask me something and I’ll ask you something. Or pass on a good meme. Anything!
Anyone? Buehler? Buehler?
Tags: whine
Uncategorized | kaya | 
November 14, 2008 11:45 am
Ok, here’s one –
if you could have any five christmas presents, what would they be?
Here’s my fantasy list:
1. You.
2. That Master never ever has to travel again.
3. That Jes finds her path -and soon!
4. That we could pick up this house and Master’s job and move it back to our old town.
5. A magic weight-loss pill!
My real list:
1. Every single thing in the kitchen gadget aisles at Wal-mart.
2. Cooking lessons so I know what to do with those gadgets.
3. Clothes. I always wear Master’s t-shirts and stuff and I feel very unfeminine lately.
4. Books! I have nothing good to read right now.
5. An Ipod.
Now for you –
What do you think are the most important lessons/values that you hope to teach your kids purely by following the example you and/or your husband show them?
Hmmm …
The very top of the list most important thing would have to be personal responsibility, but really a strong work ethic and sense of unwavering honesty are just as necessary.
Oh, and the courage to be exactly who they are. I know they see that one in action every day
And hey, check out the nilla page in a bit, there’s a lot happening here with the kids …
:-*
Forgot that …
*mauh* back atcha.
List 10 vanilla habits, hobbies, personality traits of your master that make him cool to be with.
This is a hard one! I keep drifting off into kinky territory..lol One track mind I guess.
I’m going to think on this one.
And just because it’s proved to be such a stumper of a question, I’m going to ask you to do the same. What’s your 10?
Fortunately I’ve been thinking about it ever since I asked you
1. He’s really over the top uber smart & can have very intellectually stimulating conversations.
He can make the sailboat move even when it seems like there is no wind at all.
2. He seems like he would be a brainy geek, but he also is a *guy* — can build a fire, fix a car, replace a leaky pipe, ride a dirtbike.
3. He’s really funny.
4. He’s an excellent sailor, & we kick people’s asses on the lake all the time
5. Whatever he does, he does intensely. He’s an intense guy.
6. He is an extrovert & makes everyone feel comfortable in social situations.
7. He’s a flirt & charms women of all ages.
8. He likes women — likes the way the look & smell & taste & feel. He likes them short & tall, slim & round.
9. Whatever good there is in a person, he generally finds it.
10. He holds himself to a high moral standard & believes in doing the right thing just because it’s right, not because he might get caught or because it’s “the rules.” He just believes in doing what’s right. He never lies, not even about little things.
Some miscellaneous vanilla things: He is into astronomy & can name most of the constellations by sight. He is a competition marksman. He makes really good chili & cooks a steak perfectly. Everybody thinks he’s a hardass grouch, but he’s actually very soft-hearted, & I’m the only one that gets to see it. I am the only one that ever gets to see him be silly & goofy.
tap tap tap
waiting
LOL. I had to play mom for a minute. Sheesh, Miss Impatient!
Okay. I’m bolstered by your list. It mirrors a lot of what I was writing to you when I scrapped it. Well, I scrapped it because for #6 I’d written down “and He fapps His cock at me with no hands and I think it’s hilarious” and then thought, well fuck, that’s not what she wants to know! Hee. Alrighty then, here’s what I have. My top 10:
1. He’s funny. He has a wicked sense of humor, and He appreciates my own sarcastic wit.
2. He’s a goofball and acts like a kid. Uber-serious doesn’t do it for me. Nothing is too immature in this house.
3. But He’s smart. He’s really, really intelligent. He knows something about everything and I have never once stumped Him on a question (and I try!).
4. He’ll sit and watch The Polar Express with me and not complain. And not fall asleep either.
5. He encourages me to have one on one time with the kids. To take them out for lunch, shopping, anything. I’ve never had anyone encourage me to spoil my kids more than what I do on my own.
6. His hobbies (star wars miniatures, D&D, video games), while doing nothing for me, are exactly the same hobbies my son has. It’s been incredible to watch them bond. I’m left out, but it’s a good sort of left out. My son’s bio-dad likes Nascar and wrestling and the kid had no one to relate to for a long time. That Master and my son blended so well was a huge added bonus.
7. He is not too manly to show His feelings. He’s not embarrassed to hug and kiss me in front of His guy friends. I’ve seen Him cry, I’ve seen His heart melt at the sight of a tiny kitten, or a cute baby, or a sweet little old lady. And on a dime He can turn around and be the meanest sumbitch I’ve ever seen. But only to me. Never to anyone else.
8. He loved His mother. A lot. She died 10 years ago and He is still emotional about her death. He misses her. They always say you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mother.
9. He loves to read. My first husband never read a book in his entire life. Master reads a couple of books a week. I love to watch Him read. He reacts to the books, He smiles or laughs out loud, His forehead crinkles, He loses Himself in a good story and I love that, cuz I do it too.
10. He’s an excellent conversationalist. He will talk to anyone about anything. He’s very outgoing and friendly, polite, mannerly, good listener, asks a lot of questions. He puts people at ease.
Extra, since you did some –
He’s a huge movie buff, and He likes heavy 80′s rock and roll. He likes celtic bagpipe kind of music. He’s really into trains and planes, especially the older war planes. He’ll try, six ways to Sunday, to explain a math equation to me but isn’t ashamed to ask me how to spell a word or even how to pronounce a word. He’s extremely close, and loyal, to His sister and her family.
Heh. I could go on forever.
First LMAO @ “and He fapps His cock at me with no hands and I think it’s hilarious.” M does the same thing, & it cracks me up.
Second, I think we came close to marrying the same man. What a surprise.
Isn’t it funny though, that He can wag that thing around with *violence* and if I so much as breathe on it too hard, He’s all “watch the merchandise, cunt!”
Pussy.
I bet mine and yours would get along really well.
yeah yeah in our house too – he does it just cuz I like it – right up in my face too and wont let me use my hands, says no hands…i try to reach it with my mouth, tongue and he just laughs keeping it at a distance. torture for me but candy to the eyes.
Did you get your delivery yet?
No..lol. Not yet!
I’ll ask you –
How did you meet your Master? How quickly (or slowly) did you know He was “it”? Was it any one thing He did to make you think so?
Well, Boo… because I got the thing Master ordered for me today and it was shipped a day later than I shipped to you from the same company. BOOOOO! If’n you don’t get it by tuesday, I’ll call em and rough em up a bit.
OK.. so How did I meet my Master? And How did I know he was THEEEE ONE?
Well, I met Master back in 1999. He was security personnel in this mega corp I worked for. I was the “short skirt, long jacket” type girl with heels, and no time for anyone except myself. I was a cold bitch. I had been released from my very first owner because he started feeling guilt over taking me in so young (19) and wanted me to “go have a life and THINK about whether slavery was for me”.. so I was bitter. Anyway, so he’s the security guy and I’m this total bitch who doesn’t give a fuck if he’s the security guy. Every day, I’d go to work and either park or get let out at the wrong spot because I didn’t feel like walking OR, I’d ignore him when he tried to check my bag or walk past him when he wanted to use the metal detection wand on me.. whatever.. I had no time for this guy. So we had this on going feud for about 6 months. I rolled my eyes at him. Hissed at him.. He called me a bitch under his breath. we each reported one another to our respective supervisors, tried to get one another fired. It was awful.
So one day, I got called in on my day off.. I was sick as a dog. I made them promise me if I came in that I could get out where I shouldn’t, use the elevator, everything that the security guy had told me NOT to do. They agreed, so I show up at work, and this security guy comes barreling over to me, and starts in on me about all the regulations I’m in violation of and I put up my hand and said “I’m sick… I have permission..” he looked at me. His face softened and he said “Let me carry your bag. Let me help you.” He carried my bag, and helped me to the door. Then it was “let me get the elevator key for you… let me help you to your office..” And he did. Then later on that day before he left for the day, he brought me some orange juice and some soup that he’d once over heard me say that I liked. (I didn’t even know he was listening.) The next day, he told me he’d gotten assigned to another post and he wouldn’t be there anymore… I was so angry at myself for the whole playground scene we’d been going through. We both liked one another and that’s why we hated one another so passionately. LOL Just like school yard kids.
So… TWO YEARS PASS… We’d gone our own way for all of that time. I decided to go back to my old job in a lesser position for some pick up cash. The first night I worked, I got off early and went down stairs. Who should I see picking up his badge because he was going to be working there again also. You guessed it.. Security guard, bane of my existence turned knight in shining armor. He kissed me that night as soon as he saw me and then said “You didn’t get married or anything did you?” and I just laughed.
We’ve been joined at the hip since that night. Seriously. We didn’t know anything about one another except that we had to be together. We had nothing in common. We had nothing to talk about but we couldn’t stand being apart from one another. I didn’t know he was into BDSM and he didn’t know I was either. We didn’t have sex for a year after we got together. I’m kind of conservative about sex and he was respectful of that, but during that year, we became best friends. So when we finally did start having sex, I asked him if he’d be okay with spanking me during sex. He said “you’re into that???” and I said “well, yeah!” and I told him about my past experiences, and he told me about his.. and we started working out our dynamic. Then about a year later, he collared me and changed my name to Idunna. 3 years later, I became Kitten and I’ve been Kitten ever since.
And I knew he was THE ONE because, after all of that, how could he not be? The Universe wanted us together and so we are.
Kitten
Aww Kitten that gave me goose bumples.
aww Sinn! It gives me goose bumples, too. I’m so happy. Seriously. We are just so happy and lovey dovey and still sappy and ridiculously over the moon for one another. He tells me he loves me, on average, 25 times a day.
It’s a blessing.
Beautiful story! Made me cry!
Thanks! We’re in stupid crazy love with one another. He’s the best.
aww! Kitten! What a wonderful story! I’m all kinds of sentimental now. *sniffle*
Goose bumples. Tee hee. I has them, too!
*laughs*
I love our “how we got together” story. It’s all drama from people who are soooo not dramatic.
Oh, I checked the shipping and it’s in the area where you live and at the main facility!
Maybe tomorrow huh?
Maybe!!! Because it’s in like IN THE STATE right now. I really do hope you’ll have fun with it.
Was there ever an instance that you failed to listen to your Master that was really HUGE? (not that they all aren’t huge but you know what I mean) How did it impact your relationship and how did you resolve it?
Have another one – How do you manage to set aside whatever is going on in your own head or conflicting duties (kid stuff, grocery shopping, laundry, etc.) to always put Him first?
thanks!
Marla
There are probably a hundred and ten instances of me not listening.
But for the really huge one, I’ll refer you to my answer to the question below yours, because that’s really the only HUGE issue we’ve ever had, the one thing that I clung tightly to and refused to listen.
Your next question – how do I manage to keep Him first.
Well. I don’t always. LOL. I have been known to holler back “would you WAIT one FREAKING minute? I’m busy here, ffs!” Sometimes I crack under the pressure of feeling pulled in ten different directions. Meh. I’m human, it happens.
I guess it started out as a conscious effort to think of Him first, until it became second nature. And, every single morning that I wave Him goodbye off to work and I’m left at home, still in my pj’s in my warm comfortable house, cooking breakfast for the kids and driving them to school, I’m reminded in seriously humbling ways that the ONLY reason I can do those things is because He’s made it possible. I know it’s cliche and hokey to say it’s a gift He gives me, but when you came from being a single parent with sitters that saw your kids more than you did, and struggling to keep the heat turned on, what He allows me by making it possible to “wallow” in slavery IS a gift, and I am determined not to fuck it up or take advantage of it. That makes it fairly easy to keep Him on top all day long, in everything I do. I literally, when folding clothes or washing dishes or cooking dinner, will think to myself, I am only here doing this because He allows it, and He only allows it becuase I am His slave, I *will* make Him proud of me, come hell or high water.
It works! (sometimes.
)
Now for you –
What part of submission has been harder than you ever imagined it would be? And what part has been easier than you’d expected?
What part of submission has been harder than you ever imagined it would be? And what part has been easier than you’d expected?
The hardest thing for me is learning to listen and do what I am told. I do great with the direct orders (get me a phillips screwdriver, get on your knees, buy me a cigar) and with these, I act automatically, without thinking or hesitation – it is who I am. However, I struggle greatly with the ability to listen when what I am being told is in comment or suggestion form. I believe without question that my Master knows what is best for me in all things, but sometimes, I just don’t hear him. Case in point (I’ll try to make it brief) – we still have two houses, but I spend about a third of my time at his house, and I have a full time job. The two houses and job are corners of a triangle about 40 miles on a side – so there is a bit of logistics challenge. A couple of months ago, I was stressed for a variety of reasons, and got it in my mind that I really really had to do some yard work at my house, and became well, a little obsessed with doing this task. Master clearly suggested repeatedly that this item might not be a real item of importance to me and it might be better to forget it, or hire someone to do it. I didn’t listen – repeatedly. HUGE. Now I see clearly that he was gently telling me what to do, but I didn’t recognize it at the time…had I done so, there would have been no problem and a lot of unhappiness could have been avoided on both our sides. So revelation at the end here – what is hardest is not listening and doing what I am told, it is recognizing when I am being told something. Eureka! Thank you thank you thank you for asking this question!
The easiest? Giving everything to my Master. We are four years in, and like I said, we don’t live together full time yet. I have led an independent life, my prior relationships were with men that were pretty checked out. I have a profession and a relatively “powerful” position – when I met my Master my identity was entirely that profession and position and had been for 20 years. Simply, he changed my life. I am now Joe’s slut, period. It is who I am, down to my soul, even though I have so much to learn. I still have the profession and position (for the time being), because the income is still necessary. But I have given myself to my Master as well as I own nothing, everything I “have” is His – money, home, possessions. As we move forward, Master willing, we will formalize this arrangement, but in the meantime, he knows it’s all his and he can do whatever he wants with it. I spent 8 years of my life working on my education and license and I can’t wait to walk away from it so I can focus on pleasing my Master.
Thanks Kaya for asking just the right questions!
did you have concerns before you got married about the future of your relationship with your Master regarding the kids? was how discipline would be handled for them discussed prior to that? where does all that get decided these days? i’m asking because i noticed in a recent post that you mentioned that the two of you disagreed on how to handle Jes’ behavior, and that your “way” is what’s happening. unless i’m mistaken.
your turn.
To be honest, I didn’t have any concerns about it before. I came into this completely and entirely confident that I would never, ever, ever have to share my parenting duties. Even when I was with my kids’ dad, I was 100% in control of parenting. After we split, I was definitely 100% in control as he wants nothing to do with them. Each relationship after that, my tight control was cemented because nobody ever wanted any part of parenting my kids.
I had a really, really tight grip on it. Every decision, no matter how minute, was mine. It never even occured to me that Master would not only expect some say in it, but that He would *want* it.
It was not an easy road to hoe, not at all. Here I was, probably the most protective, fiercely autarchical momma bear that ever lived facing off with an equally fierce control freak. Sparks flew.
There were times when we both admitted to being extremely attracted to, and wanting the other very much, but at a loss on how to deal with the discipline of the kids. It’s in His nature to be bossy, He’s strong-willed, hard to please, controlling, He’s, well, He’s dominant in everything that He does. I would react so strongly to the idea of Him “domming my kids” (which He was never doing, I was just hypersensitive to the idea. He’d tell the kids to pick their dirty socks up off the floor, stuff like that) that we’d end up fighting each other.
The deeper I got into slavery and obedience, the more important it became to me to please Him, in all things and all ways, the more I struggled with the parenting issue. I constantly felt like I was in the middle, being pulled to serve and obey one, and protect and stand up for (stand up to HIM) for the other. One day I’d do the slave thing, the next I’d do the momma bear thing. He was confused, the kids were confused and I? I was stressed beyond belief.
I want to make clear that He never, ever had unrealistic expectations from the kids. He never demanded obedience or respect, He never tried to “master” them. He only wanted a say in His house, an equal right to be a part of the team, a team made up of me and my kids. Me and the kids had been alone a long time, we were set in our ways and we had history and connections, we’d formed an “us against the world” bond. We, without intent, were excluding Him, shutting Him out of our circle. Perfectly content to let Him pick up the yucky parts of parenting (like supporting us financially, for instance) but not willing to open up and let Him in to the good parts.
We’d been existing in dual relationships. Him and I and the kids and I. When He wanted to say something to the kids, He told me to tell them. When the kids wanted Him to know something, they told me to tell Him. I was in a seriously committed relationship with a man I loved and who loved me AND loved my kids – and I was STILL a single parent.
It was craziness. And tearing us apart. We weren’t bonding as a family and while I thought I could keep the two parts of me separate (slave and mom) I could not. Nor could He exist happily in a home where He wasn’t at least on equal footing, if not higher ground, as an authority figure.
(I realize I’m answering way way more than you asked but I do like to babble
)
It took the brutal honesty of some very special women to get me to open my eyes and to let go of the tight grip I had on “MY” kids. To ask myself if I trusted Him to steer my life, why couldn’t I also trust Him to steer my kids lives? Or at the very least, dictate a chore or two.
There was one pivotal moment, and the instance that triggered it is forgotten now, I only recall that I’d been doing some deep, deep thinking and having some hard realizations when another issue with the kids came up and I, very calmly and very decidely handed control over to Him. All of it. Completely. The very very last thing that I had been clinging to, and I laid it in His lap, with the biggest sigh of relief and sense of completion and rightness that you can possibly imagine.
Honestly, it worked well for a long time. He has the best interest of the kids at heart and once the kids adjusted to having another authority figure around is when real family bonding began to occur. I’m ashamed that I so stubbornly stalled it for so long because we lost precious time and needlessly argued over nothing. He loves the kids, the kids love Him, He’s fair but strict, loving and affectionate but holds them to what they agree to.
But. For a time, the scales tipped too far. I was beginning to feel powerless as a mother and I didn’t like it. Nor was He entirely comfortable being completely in charge. So we’ve balanced the scales out a bit.
How it works now-
We discuss things and agree on them together. He still has most of the control and makes most of the rules, but I have an input and if it’s something that is really important to me or something that I understand more about, He’ll listen and often times, concede to my feelings on it. I don’t change or alter the rules, or make allowances for them, without first consulting Him, *unless* He is unavailable and it cannot wait. Then I make whatever decision I feel is best, explain the whys and whatfors to Him when I can and we talk over if He feels I made the right choice, and if not, how I could do better in the future.
I used to let the kids have friends over whenever, let them stay the night on the weekends, be up all night and play music, eat pizza, watch movies – Now, I never say yes to that without asking Master first. It’s His house, He has a right to peace and quiet and comfort in the home that He pays for. He’s generous enough in letting them have friend-time, but has expectations that His work is important and so is His sleep, and they need to respect that.
He knows that I am very much an instant gratifyer with the kids, while He’s more about the long-term affect. He indulges me in moments or activities that let me spoil them but stays strict about the things that will teach them long-lasting values or responsibilities, even when I’d choose to take the easy way.
The thing with Jes is actually a whole lot more involved than what I’ve said here on the blog. (Isn’t everything??) What He would do, how He would handle it given the option to do it without my interference is quite different than my approach, for sure. He is, as I’ve said, looking at her long-term future. I am focusing almost entirely on the here and now – but with good reason. For now, and until we can work more with Jes’s therapist, there will be no future to worry about if we can’t fix the now. I don’t mean that she is suicidal or anything like that, only that she does have some problems that aren’t in her control and we can’t even begin to hope to fix the later until we can mend right now. That’s the only reason that it’s fallen completely on to how I want it handled. Once we’ve fixed now, we can look at fixing later, at which point, He’ll have more say in what the next step is.
Whew! That made me tired!
Now you –
What do you see in your future with your Domly One? And does what you see differ very much from what you wish it would be? Is there anything within your relationship that you would go back in time and change if you could?
thanks for talking about and clarifying the parenting issues. it’s something that’s always on my mind.
a day ago i’d have had a different answer to your question than what i do now. things have been wonky lately given our personal circumstances, the economics of the country, and a multitude of other issues, and every single aspect was up in the air, including the possible end of the relationship (although neither of us wanted that).
so. future. fate has it’s own hand in the poker game, and circumstances made it so that my owner had to decide our future very quickly. so he did, and he decided to move us in with him. it’s all going to happen very quickly – the situation requires it, so there isn’t much in the way of preparation or flexibility. i’d gotten to the point before this of not allowing myself to want one thing or another on this issue – enjoying our relationship as it was became something i focused on instead. there was a part of me that wanted to live together and try and make that kind of life, and there was a part of me that didn’t. why fix something that ain’t broke, you know? but really – it *was* broken, in a way. so he fixed it.
so what i see now in my future is different than what i would have said yesterday. and frankly, i’m still overwhelmed and not yet acclimated to what’s to come. does that new vision differ from what i wished it would be? no. if i’m honest, then i’ll admit that i want to be with him as much as possible, and serve him in a way that’s consistently positive for us. the distance at first was not an impediment to that, and lately, it has become so. so yeah – i suppose in a way i’m getting my wish, although i’m terrified. what it came down to was i do not want to live my life in a way that means i don’t do things because i am afraid of them. i can’t let my fear of possible negatives get in the way of possible positives.
what would i change in the past? not much, i don’t think. i’d have had more grace than i did in some challenging moments. i’d have not eaten that scone.
there was this one time that i perhaps revealed more of myself and my feelings to him than was appropriate at the time, given the stage of our relationship at the time. it could have been very, very awkward. but as it turns out, it was the right thing to have happened, because it moved us to a different stage of the relationship faster than maybe we would have otherwise. so – no, i can’t really think of anything i’d change. but give me time – i’m sure i’ll fuck something up.
thanks for asking.
Here’s for a “deep one” (or sumthin): Is slavery what you expected? How do you keep a calm, loving, gentle, gracious and humble mindset?
And…. “How do you just fucking do it?!” – ‘cuz… I never could “just freaking do it”.
“How do you keep a calm, loving, gentle, gracious and humble mindset?”
BWAHAHAHAHA! Are you serious?? Have you just met me?! Surely that was sarcasm from you!
Okay okay. Serious now.
Is it what I expected.
No. LOL. Not even a little bit of what I expected. It’s so much more, and so much less, all at the same time. I’ve been disappointed in some bits, but what I’ve gained and how I’ve grown in others more than makes up for it. It’s much much harder than I thought it would be, but what’s jumped up and made it hard are the parts I thought would be easy. And vice versa, what I thought would be easy-peazy have proven to be some of the most difficult things to overcome. It’s better, and it’s worse, and I wouldn’t change a single bit of it.
How do I do it? As in which part? I mean, aren’t you “just doing it” now?
Yeah, I was thinking something among the lines of “Jeez, I need to ask this of someone else” when typing that.
I mean “just doing it” as in… well, just doing all of those small things that keeps a household going. See, I’ve got all the info, sometimes I’ve also got all the motivation… but my housekeeping, to a certain extent my personal hygiene (as in, doing my hair everyday and dressing prettily), all of that is haphazard at best. I’ll go through periods where I just *can’t do it*. I mean, I’ll have to work for an hour in my head, just to muster up the energy to freaking take a shower or do the dishes. And I’m not even talking about doing it out of love and joy, which is how my Owner wishes me to do it, I’m just talking about the “do it”.
I wouldn’t want to change him for anything. I do love him as he is, and I do love his Mastery/Ownership over me. I guess… I mean, he doesn’t want me to struggle or fight. He wants me to “let go” (which I still haven’t figured out properly), and let the change come from the inside. I’m like – huh? I mean, I really thought I’d be *made* to do certain things, *kept* to certain standards. And I am – in that if I don’t do my part, he sure as hell wont do his and he isn’t going to hunt me down in my head to fix it. That’s not his job, it’s my job to come to him.
So I’m like no where close to pleasing. Bleeergh.
Gah. Can’t I just go back to be glowing with peace? It was all so easy just a few months ago, yanno. I really, really, really hate my borderline and SAD and all these other things that make me totally crazy.
(And guess twice if we’re going to have a “ur doin it wroooong!”-discussion sometime soon?)
Ah okay. I see what you’re asking now. I think, the only way I can answer that is to cheat and copy my answer to Joe’s slut up above. It’s generally the same question, or at least, my motivation is the same. She asked how I manage to always keep Him first in my mind, which is pretty close to the hows and whys of how I “do it”. My answer to her was this (I highlighted the parts that I think apply to your question the most):
“every single morning that I wave Him goodbye off to work and I’m left at home, still in my pj’s in my warm comfortable house, cooking breakfast for the kids and driving them to school, I’m reminded in seriously humbling ways that the ONLY reason I can do those things is because He’s made it possible. I know it’s cliche and hokey to say it’s a gift He gives me, but when you came from being a single parent with sitters that saw your kids more than you did, and struggling to keep the heat turned on, what He allows me by making it possible to “wallow” in slavery IS a gift, and I am determined not to fuck it up or take advantage of it. That makes it fairly easy to keep Him on top all day long, in everything I do. I literally, when folding clothes or washing dishes or cooking dinner, will think to myself, I am only here doing this because He allows it, and He only allows it because I am His slave, I *will* make Him proud of me, come hell or high water.
Good luck with your discussion?..lol Maybe those periodic dips into the “doing it wrong” pool help to keep it right. And by right, I mean his right, now our right.
Thanks for the answers!
e did have that talk, which turned into a “slavery is really limiting for us” talk, which then turned into “Must it be slavery for you to obey, serve and worship me talk” and then a “just be ourselves” talk. I feel gooooood now.
Oh.. your question!
I know you’ve faced your share of struggles with your submission and your dominant and doing it his way. So my question is – if you could, would you change him to want it your way? Do you think that if he did it as you’d prefer, that it would lose some of the magic of the fight to “do it”?
When did you first discover that you were a submissive? How?
I just always knew I was different, from little on up. I thought that I was sick and demented, and I was pretty damn ashamed of my twisted fantasies and the acts I played out when I was alone. Not just ashamed – mortified. Horrified. I masturbated while licking toilets, ffs, with no knowledge that anyone else in the world did such revolting things. I disgusted myself.
And then – then I got the internet. It was all downhill from there. That was in 2000 (or there abouts). I was very, very late to the magic of the internet. I couldn’t afford it and I had no idea what to do with it anyway.
But I got one and I stumbled across a picture one day. A rather laid-back photo (in comparison to my own these days) of a girl, bound over a stool, and the caption “Prime for Anal”.
For real, I was shocked. But I went searching and I found, omg, ever so much than “prime for anal”. I found a world of perverts, some even worse than me! It was great.
So, to put a name to being submissive, somewhere around the year 2000. But to know I was submissive (and a masochist)? Forever.
Now for you –
Hmm. A lurker. That makes it difficult because I know nothing about you. So tell me something about you. Are you a new lurker or an old lurker? Are you involved in bdsm or do you “lurk” on the edges?
Very well, I’ll come out of the shadows
. I stumbled upon bdsm much the same way you did. When I was 14 a harmless search for a school project led me to discover the wonderful world of porn. Bikini-clad women soon lost their charm and my searches became more and more exotic. I was interested in each fetish for about a week, but BDSM is the only one that has continued to fascinate me. To answer your question, I’ve been lurking your blog for about a month 
.
Thank you! And welcome out from lurker land.
If you could have your fantasy evening what would it be?
Honestly, right now, I’ll take one evening with no kids and for both of us to have the energy to stay awake past 10pm.
That’s all.
Is that so much to ask for!?! *whine*
But a full out *fantasy* evening? Oh.. I’ve always been a sucker for a Cinderella type ball. Fancy dresses and men in tuxes, ballroom dancing (which I cannot do, but this is a fantasy right?), beautifully done hair and nails and perfect faces, and then a romantic ride home in the moonlight – where He’ll rip my fancy sequined gown off of me in tattered strips, smear my perfect makeup by making me cry until I have snot bubbles in my nose, break my glittery heels by beating me with them, yank out my coifed hair and spit in my face. And then, then, when I’m at my lowest with my tear-stained face and my messy hair and my torn dress, set me in front of a mirror, make me look at myself in all of my unglorified glory, and tell me that this is how He finds me beautiful. This is my natural state, this is what suits me.
Yes. That would do nicely for a night out. Don’t you think?
Now for you –
Tell me your story, Heidi. You know so much about me, introduce yourself to everyone here. Make it long and detailed please.
I am 24. I have been looking at you blog for a couple of years now. I joined Todd and Suzy’s (American Spanking Society) diet group about 8 months ago and I have dropped about 15 pounds since then. They have become my online disciplinarians diet wise and have introduced me to the spanking lifestyle and have incouraged me to come out of my shell a bit. I live in California and I have the same kitty love that you do. My cat showed up on my doorstep a couple of years ago and was the most scraggly little thing you ever saw so we nursed him back to health. If you want to know anything else just ask but this is all that I can think of for now.
What’s your favorite spontaneous romantic thing you and S have done?
There was one night where we’d stayed up all night playing and having sex and I was way too wound up to sleep so at about 4am or so I hopped up and begged Him to take me to the Big Lake.
He did. I made coffee in thermoses and He threw in some fishing poles and we went to the lake. There, I sat on His lap and we watched the most spectacularly beautiful sunrise that I have ever seen. The lake was smooth as glass and I still vividly remember the pinks and purples that colored the sky, the sky reflected in the water to double the beauty. He had His arms wrapped around me because I was cold and it was… glorious. Just glorious.
For you –
Where do you see yourself in 5 years in respect to your M/s relationship? Are you currently content with how things are or do you wish for something more/less/different?
Awww. That’s a sweet story, but a lot of yours seem to be.
Hm, in five years, I’m not really sure. I know well that M. Casper and I will be together. At that point he’ll probably publicly embarrassing me anytime he pleases. (I’ve only been narrowly escaping things like vibrators in class, you see)
I’m content with how things are, but I really do wish he’d be rougher and more commanding with me. As it is, he can do pretty much whatever he wants until I get all prickled up about something. It’s not so much he’s in control, but more like he THINKS he’s in control. Dammit, I want it to be REAL control. So I guess what I want is for him to ignore my ‘wishes’ more often. As it is, if I want him to do something, I act all panicked about it, and THEN he’ll do it. But only if I freak out. Not if I just ask him. That could change. It neeeeeeeds to.
How long have you been together, if I can ask?
Three years, about, but we only started our joint foray into BDSM this past year.
Questions!
Do your kids have ANY inkling of your relationship dynamic? Do they have a problem with him having power over you?
Favorite dish to cook? Favorite dish your Master likes you to cook? Favorite slave-y thing to do for your Master? Thing you HATE to do for your Master?
Do your kids have ANY inkling of your relationship dynamic?
Oh I’m sure they do. Kids are pretty perceptive and I’d be a fool to think they were clueless. Plus, I know they’ve gotten glimpses (or more) of things – websites, toys, overheard words, that sort of thing. But we don’t flaunt it, we’re as discrete as possible without being paranoid, and we’re respectful of their feelings; we expect the same in return.
Do they have a problem with him having power over you?
Yes and no. I don’t know if I’d say they have a “problem” so much as it’s something they notice, something they’ve commented on and asked about, and something that, the girls anyway, vow to never ever stand for.
I answer their questions honestly, but without giving needless information. I don’t say “But I’m His slave!” or call Him Master or anything of the sort. I say that this is the arrangement, and the exchange, that we have. He goes to work and supports us and in return, I treat Him like a king. I tell them that it makes me very very happy to do so (which they see and can’t deny) and that’s really all that should matter.
So they accept it, even while they say that it’s not the life for them.
Favorite dish to cook? Favorite dish your Master likes you to cook?
Gosh, I don’t know if I can pick just one favorite. I’m really into soups and stews at the moment, or anything in the slow cooker. Smelling it all day and having it ready to be dished up when He walks in the door, with a fresh, hot loaf of bread to go along with it? Heavenly. *nom nom nom*
Master’s favorite meal is lasagna. Unfortunately, I keep fucking it up..lol. I am on a search for a really yummy lasagna and I have yet to find one that earns me more than an “it’s okay” from Him. Grr. I’ll find the perfect one someday, I swear it!
Favorite slave-y thing to do for your Master?
Definitely having to do anything when I’m least in the mood to do it. I know it sounds all backwards and shit, but when I have to do something that requires an actual internal struggle to do it and do it politely, calmly and submissively, I not only end up with the greatest sense of satisfaction but a deeper appreciation for His stronger will. Especially if it’s something sexual. That just cements that this body is not mine.
Thing you HATE to do for your Master?
Right now, it’s making His lunch in the morning. I don’t know why, but making sandwiches at 5am just sets my teeth on edge. But, I know that in a few weeks, my hated chore will be having to go outside to clear the snow and ice from His truck and start it up for Him. At the moment, it’s not too bad. It’s not real cold in the mornings yet, so all I have to do is run out and start it, set the defrost and it’s good to go. But I know what’s coming. Ugh and BRR!
For you –
How do you make those vlogs?? And you sound so calm and cool and collected. I am in awe. I couldn’t do that. Your voice is awesome, you sound like Jennifer Jason Leigh I think. If I close my eyes and just listen to your voice, I can see her face (but then we just watched Delores Claiborne so I have her in my head – but you DO sound like her!) So my question is this: how do you decide on your material for the vlog? Would you take requests or is it something you have to feel?
“How do you make those vlogs??”
Carefully? Lol, I have a webcam and mic built in to the screen of my laptop. Paid $20 for a good program that records and stuff. I plan to make my vlogs a little flashier when I’m not so lazy.
“And you sound so calm and cool and collected. I am in awe. I couldn’t do that.”
You have no idea how many takes I do for each one. LOL! It averages about five tries until I get a vlog I find passable.
“how do you decide on your material for the vlog?”
Whatever is rolling around in my head usually. Pertinent info that I think people would be semi-interested in hearing me ramble about.
“Would you take requests or is it something you have to feel?”
I would definitely take requests! The only requests I don’t do are like the ever persistent “Show me you wearing a ballgag!” or my favorite “Show us your Master dominating you!” I talk, I don’t demonstrate.
Ty for responding, kaya!
Lasagna: The trick, at least when i’ve made it, is *slow cooking*. Low heat, for extended amounts of time. Just… experiment with the temperature!
You’ve probably seen these: http://allrecipes.com/Recipes/Pasta/Lasagna/Top.aspx
In Sweden a normal lasagna is those pasta bits, covered with a regular bolognese, which is topped with cheese and put in the over. Tried that? If you want to, the first step would be making a really, really, good bolognese. Then attempting the lasagne bit and experimenting with temperatures and times.
Try put two layers of pasta and bolognese, then add a little parmesan (*real* parmesan, mind you) on top of the bolognese, put another two layers and make a mix of parmesan and his favourite cheese on top of that (I use Edam cheese). You wont need more than a 100g (uh – three quarters of a cup, when ground) of parmesan, though, less is more.
Try adding oregano and/or basil to the bolognese in different combinations and amounts!
Oh, yes. Bolognese is a wonderful slow cooker.
This is one of my slowcooker recipies:
A good quality pork-meat, about two pounds
Dairy Cream, half a cup
Milk, three cups
1 small onion
Salt and pepper
½ spanish pepper (or more if you want it stronger)
Cut the meat in pieces, fry in a frying pan untill it’s slightly brown on the outside. Pour it over on a bundle of household paper, just like you’d do with bacon. Chop the onion and spanish pepper, add with the milk and cream to a big pot. Add the fatdrained meat. Salt and pepper. Let simmer for… five, seven hours.
I love this. It’s so sinfully fatty.
And it’s easy to vary – pluck out the spanish pepper, add something else. Try with basil, oregano, lemmon peels, well, anything. If you want more vegetables in it, paprika, carrots, and cubed white potatoes can be added. Then you have a soup!
It’s one of those I came up with while “adding this and that” – which is the best way to learn to cook. I mean, one’s tasting it while cooking and if it doesn’t taste good, you throw it out or add something else that’ll make it taste better. Don’t be limited by recipes, that wont really teach you anything.
Oh, and I’ll get you the recipe on Stockholmchili – it’s chili and cocacola.
I be emailing you.
I’ll check into it, though I’ve never heard of Bolognese. I wonder if we call it something else over here or if I’m really THAT clueless..
Look into it! It’s … well… delicious. I think you might call it simply “tomato sause”, but it’s tomato sause with fried ground beef in, basil, garlic and some other stuff.
It’s like… my favourite food.
That’s right — bolognese is a tomato-meat sauce. It’s not all that common in the US. I think the most common tomato sauce here is marinara. Bolognese is different from meatballs because the meat is stewed in chunks until it’s very tender. Our neighborhood restaurant has a wonderful pasta Bolognese that has both beef and pork. It’s served with fettucine noodles. It’s awesome — just the thing on a really cold, snowy day when you’ve been out doing wintery things.
Interesting, because we make it out of ground meat, as I said. This stuff: http://www.expressen.se/polopoly_fs/1.821960!slot100slotWide75ArticleFull/3447786819.jpg
All though it’s fried in a frying pan first, that pic is of someone making hamburgers, beefs or meatballs, hence the bucket and stirring-thingy. Ground meat, or köttfärs, is very common in cooking in Sweden – it seems to be less common outside of Scandinavia.
I was told to direct you guys over here: http://annesfood.blogspot.com/
The stockholmchili i mentioned, one bolognese sause and some lasagna, and buuunches of other things, can be found there.
And of course, I’ve got my own recipe for Swedish meatballs. And they’re not served in tomatosause over here, but with potatoes or macaroni and brown, cream sause.
Gah. My measuring is totally of. That’d be 50g of parmesan, that you need, and that’s a little less than half a cup, if I’m not totally off. It’s 4oz, I think.
If you could have dinner with three movie/book characters who would they be?
What would you cook for them?
Well. For sure, Ranger from the Stephanie Plum series. Cuz he is HOTT and I am in lurrrrrrrve with him! *pant*
Alice. I want to know what she’s smoking.
Gordon Ramsey. You KNOW he’s a dom.
Gordon can cook, he’s the chef!
For you –
What’s your favorite childhood memory? The worst?
First i must say i look up to you more than you probably realize as i sick at making time to comment. But i read your Blog diligently. i have kids and the overwhelming masochist side of me that needs to be broken, hurt, used. How do you balance this as a mom and do you ever find yourself on a binge of over analyzing your past? If so what speaks out to you most in regards to what you’ve learned about *you* from your past? What if applicable has had the most influence on your Master and the way He treats you in regards to your past?
Thanks!
~vie
Hey vie.
No worries, I read a lot and I completely suck at commenting too. *shrug* What’re ya gonna do, eh?
How do I balance mom and masochist. Well, better now than I used to, that’s for sure. There was a time when I honestly wasn’t sure which side was going to win. Once the masochist in me was awakened, it was pretty overwhelming in need – and stronger, a bit, than mommy was. Truthfully, I (we, Master and I) had to cool off a bit with the s&m so that I could find self-control. Not being mom isn’t an option, not being a greedy self-centered whore IS. And it can wait, which was something I had to realize. I can be that greedy masochist in a few years but I will never have another chance to mother my kids.
A binge of overanalyzing? Hmmm. I don’t think so. Probably I did for awhile, but now I’m pretty well at peace with my past. What’s done is done, all I can do is look to the future.
What had the most influence on Master with regard to my past? That’s an easy one really. Once He became aware of my past and the sheer violence of it, He was determined to show me that violence, our brand of violence CAN exist within a comforting sea of affectionate and love. I had always seen them as mutually exclusive entities. But they are not, and He’s proved that to me.
Now for you-
I’ve lost touch with you. The last I read there was a split. So, where does that stand now? Have you mended that relationship or have you moved on with another? Either way, what do you feel you’ve learned from that period?
First off…thank you! i really need a push on not beating myself up over the past! That being said… there was a split/divorce…i have moved on with another…Beast is simply what i need. Unfortunately I have learned to pull back up my guard with my split with Master Homis; it was *deep breath* the past but involved my oldest child, who has been through so very much…anyhow…I am now pulled out into the country by Beast and me and both the kiddos (although the oldest is hard to get to admit) are much more content and happy here. Beast and I have such similar past – to the point that it is just plain freakish- 1st marriage with significant other to a child and tried to make it work approximately a decade; divorce, 2nd significant other out of yearning to have a family…it’s a sick kidda brady bunch thing with a twist of a man that can truly put me in my place as necessary!
Gordon Ramsey. You KNOW he’s a dom.
I always thought so too!! Until I saw an interview in which he mentioned that his wife is keeping him in good shape because she doesn’t like a fat man. So now I’m not so sure anymore. lol.
What’s your favorite childhood memory? The worst?
Let me answer this one for humbledoll.
My favourite memory is not really one specific one because I have several but they’re all taking place in a certain house that we lived in when I was a child. It was a great place with a lot of space and my parents let us kids do whatever we wanted. My life basically consisted of watching movies, eating candy and experimenting in the kitchen, having friends over, reading whatver book I could get my hands on and taking care of whatever animal we wanted.
My worst memory is probably that of my grandfather’s death. He died on my Birthday which is a really horrible experience when you’re as young as I was when it happened.
I have to go do supper and spend some time with the kids. I will be back with answers and questions!
Kaya,
I’ll try to make up a meme for you off the top of my head. Here goes. Include an, “and why,” where appropriate.
1: What one character from fiction would you love to be?
2: What one thing would you change in the world?
3: If the world was ending and you had to go back in time to survive, what period of history would you go to?
4: If you could kill any one person in the past, who would it be (or could you do it)?
5: What holiday do you love the most?
6: What holiday do you hate the most?
7: Which would you prefer, a short life with all your material needs met, or a long life of material poverty?
8: What’s your favorite non-dessert food?
Of course, it’s only fair if I answer them myself.
1: Honor Harrington. She’s everything I admire in a person, strong, sensitive, determined, loyal, honest, and lives in interesting times.
2: I’d make it immpossible to have faith in God and hate at the same time.
3: 1770. Just the idea that I could meet washington, Jefferson, Franklin, etc. would be great.
4: I’m not sure I could kill anyone, but if I could, it would be Hienrich Himmler. While Hitler created and led the Thrid Reich, Himmler was the archetect of the greatest evils that regiime committed.
5: Christmas. Kids and presents, nuff said.
6: Halloween. Adults have stolen this from the kids and that’s just so wrong.
7: Tye latter. I don’t need plenty to touch lives, I need time.
8: Spaghetti with meat sauce.
Have fun with this one (Blue, considder yourself tagged as well).
Dave
1: What one character from fiction would you love to be?
O – from The Story Of
2: What one thing would you change in the world?
Starvation. It’s so unnecessary.
3: If the world was ending and you had to go back in time to survive, what period of history would you go to?
Victorian Era. Women were property of men and had no rights.
4: If you could kill any one person in the past, who would it be (or could you do it)?
killer queen’s mother.
5: What holiday do you love the most?
Christmas, of course. I love buying presents.
6: What holiday do you hate the most?
Valentine’s Day. Such a useless, money-grabbing holiday (unlike Christmas you know!)
7: Which would you prefer, a short life with all your material needs met, or a long life of material poverty?
A long life of material poverty. I’m not much into “stuff”.
8: What’s your favorite non-dessert food?
KFC. Yum.
For you, since you already answered the meme and I can’t tag you back –
Do you believe in ghosts? What are your views on the afterlife?
Kaya,
You’ve asked me a really cool question, mostly because I don’t know anyone who shares my view (on the ghosts). I sort of believe in ghosts, but I don’t believe that they’re the spirits of the dead. I believe they’re non-human spirits, usually malevolent, who masquerade as the spirits of the dead; call them demons if you like (I do). The reason they seem to know so much about the dead the pretend to be is that they’ve been around for ages, and have been able to watch and listen enojugh to be very well informed. I think they present whatever evidence a ghost hunter expects to “prove” their reality.
As a side note, I believe that UFOs and aliens are the same thing, demons pretending to be what people expect to encounter. By the way, demons are NOT the fallen angels. Fallen angels are capable fo taking on physical form and demons aren’t. Demons came into existence much later than angels did.
As for the afterlife, my views are pretty standard conservative Christian in nature. Everyone lives one life and then they die. Ater that comes the judgement, though that’s still some time off. Between death and the final judgement, there’s time spent in one of two relams, depsnding on whether you’ve accepted the salvation of Christ (the “good” place and the “bad” place for lack of better terms). The judgement will send everyone who’s rejected salvation to the lake of eternal fire to burn forever, while those who have accepted salvation will spend eternity in the presence of God. NO, you won’t avoid the lake of fie by “being a good person” or “doing more good than bad.” Avoiding that fate can only be accomplished by accepting the free gift of salvation.
Yes, I realize how elitist and exclusive this sounds, but that’s what the bible makes pretty clear, from my own reading of it (I’ve read it cover to cover several times). Honestly, I don’t like all the implications, but not liking something doesn’t make it true. And before anyone asks, all those people who never had the chance to accept or reject salvation, they’ll be judged by the “intent of their hearts” and God will be scrupously fair with them, though that’s a pretty terrifying thought; I much prefer the mercy of salvation. This, by the way is why Christians are so determined to share their faith: they honestly believe that their failure to do so will result in people they care about being damned for all eternity. The Christian that makes the attempt to convert you is doing so out of love, not arrogance. The Christian that never shares the Gospel is showing how little s/he cares about others. So, Kaya, thank you for this wonderful opportunity. Of course, one has to give the message in the right way and at the right time, or you’re attempt will be rejected instead of listened to. That’s why I haven’t shared until now, it would have been inappropriate to steal your stage to give His message; until you invivted me to.
Anyway, that answers your questions, I hope. I’m looking forward to your answers to some of the others’ questions. ta ta for now.
Dave
Dave,
that’s pretty much the answer I expected, and similar to the afterlife answer my mom gives..lol I do appreciate your efforts to save my soul, I recognize the spirit in which it was offered.
If you could be any fictional character, who would it be?
If you could dine with any US president, who would it be?
When you were seven, what did you think you’d be when you grew up?
Happiest memory of your life?
Eep! Guess I should’ve read the comments. Nevermind that fictional character question. LOL
Reagan. I don’t know why. Maybe because he was the president of my youth and he was a “hero” as taught to us in class.
When I was seven, oh shoot, probably a vet or something. I’ve always been an animal lover.
My happiest memory – the day I found out I was pregnant (the first time. The second two were surprises). I didn’t think I could have any at all so that first time was some kind of special.
For you –
What do you most hope for for your son’s future? How do you hope for the world to be when he’s an adult?
For my son’s future? I just hope that he’s happy. His name, “Asher,” means “blessed, happy” in Hebrew. Because, really, that’s the point of all this mess, isn’t it? None of us make it out alive, and I mostly refuse to even speculate on “after.” It’s right now, it’s always right now…and he should be happy. Hopefully it’s happiness doing something productive, but I don’t want to put any kind of burden on him. I just want him to be happy.
The world? Ideally, I’d like it to be a sustainable place. I’d like people to give a shit about each other, about the planet. Stop taking everything for granted. Stop thinking we as humans are better than everything, or deserving of everything. I wish we could be more ecologically-conscious, more loving, gentler. Slower-paced. I’m a big ol’ hippie at heart, can you tell?
What do you most enjoy about the area you’re living now?
What is your favorite type of music?
In what area of the body do you most enjoy pain?
I love that the scenery up here is beautiful. It’s very rugged and forest-y and wilderness-like. And blueberries grow wild everywhere! I love blueberries.
I listen, almost exclusively, to the “lite” station. Love songs, slow songs, that sort of thing. But when I want something else, something more… soul-pounding… I’m a NIN fan all the way, baby. Ain’t nothing sexier than a little Trent Reznor beating away in your head.
I definitely prefer breast pain over anything at all. Hands down winner.
For you –
How long have you been writing? If you could never write again, is there anything else that could take the place of it?
How cool… it’s me and you know where to find me, so i just came to prowl over here and see what was going on and you’re doing the same thing as i am.. only, with much more response. Everytime you do this, i learn more and more about you. Aside from the submission, you’re an incredible person. Well, i think so. Will be back. i’m sure i have a hundred questions to ask… and want to see other responses.
xoxx
I’ll be by to ask you some.
Does your reaction to pain differ, and if so, what kind of range do you go through with that?
Oh absolutely! It differs depending on my cycle, what time of day it is, what kind of day I’ve had, where the planets are, if the moon is up…
I range from finding a simple nipple tweak to be the most excruciating, horrifically mean thing EVER to, well, to laughing and daring Him to do more, to stop being a pussy and hurt me, dammit!
I am not at ALL consistent with my reaction to pain. Fortunately, He’s the consistent one.
For you –
What does blogging do for you? Do you see yourself keeping at it for years or is it very much an “in the mood” thing?
I think I will certainly keep at it for years, in one way or another.
I got started on LJ where it was a combination of folks I knew in person and not, and did a dual thing, writing the kink under one name or under a locked filter and keeping a public journal as well. I’ve been there for about nine years now, and it’s been a steady part of my life.
I’m just now branching out to create a new space for myself, and I’m finding it tricky as it doesn’t come with the ready built communities that I had with LJ, and so I’ve not yet found my flow yet.
For me, blogging is a combination of things- a way to voice my thoughts, to feel heard, a safe space where I can write the snarky, unhappy things that I wouldn’t voice to the Gent, at least not in that manner. It’s a way of connecting with others, who, unlike those in my daily life, are open to the concepts of D/s slavery, masochism, etc.
I write for a living, which has hurt my desire to blog, but only increased my love for words. There are times when I write out of love for words more than all else. Other times because the beauty or pain or hilarity of something is greater than I can contain….
I check your blog embarrassingly often, and while I know you’re well aware- you’re awesome! Thank you for all that you share!
you’re not a person -
you’re a cunt.
you’re not even able to be bored.
you certainly don’t deserve any attention.
stop whining before i make you stop whining permanently.
y halo thar troll
Why is any valid criticism deemed trolling?
Just remarking on some inconsistencies in this cunt’s illogic.
sit down lest you hurt yourself….
i could do it for you, but i’d rather not bother.
Aren’t you just so cute with your invalid threats from behind a screen? I wanna pinch your widdle cheeks. The ones on your face. :-*
Oh hush you with all your sweet talk. You know how it turns me on.
I’m starting to develop a crush on you, killer.
I really don’t care -
I’d just like some consistency….
for someone who seems so intense about your epistemology,
you reveal some serious gaps in your thought patterns.
If you’re a person, then you’re a person.
If you’re a cunt, then you’re a cunt.
Neither a person is a cunt, nor is a cunt a person.
Pick one.
Having lurked on and off for almost a year now,
I can say with near-certainty that you’re an attention-seeking cunt (read: troll).
Successful troll is successful!
Now I’m going back to lurk for another year.
Hopefully you’ll be less disappointing in 2010.
Fuck you.
Good luck.
Ciao for now.
lol. You’re cute when you’re mad.
she makes my stuff itch
They have creams for that, you know.
i make my own
Okay okay. Now that it’s your turn and you’ve been such a patient person (cough cough).
(and I realize, of *course* that you don’t care. Which is why you’ve lurked and commented for an entire year. Cuz you don’t care.)
It’s interesting that you say this “you’re not a person -you’re a cunt” because I was just involved in a conversation about personhood and slavery. Here’s what I said about it:
“I am a person though. I’m propery, but a person too. I choose to give up my right to individual personhood, but no amount of wishing makes me less than a person. We dabble in trying to strip me of the things that separate person from object or animal (rationality, reason, opposable thumbs, etc.) but since I still have to function in society, that’s a short term thing. And I’m not sure it’s possible.
There are certain things that I cannot deny, try as I might to fit into the uber-slave model. I cannot deny that should He leave me, I (probably) would not sit in the corner gathering dust until I died, but would gather my shit together and find myself again. I cannot deny that should I want to leave Him, impossible as it may seem right now, the law is on my side because laws support people. I cannot deny that I function, no matter how He treats me, as a cognitive, intelligent being, that I make daily choices of my own free will, that no matter what, my mothering instincts trump my slave instincts.”
So there you have it. I am a person, and not a breathing cunt or a mindless object. Mystery solved and now you can stop being disappointed that I am not deliverying the proper material to stroke your fantasy.
As for 2010, I’m afraid I’ll only disappoint you more. I’ll still be a person then too. For the whole year. So there is no need for you to lurk anymore and we can both be happy in our respective attention-seeking behaviors.
If you seriously want to only see the zen of cunthood, come back in, oh… 5 years or so. Until then, it’s not happening much beyond the occasional weekend foray into perversion. We have kids and a mortgage, He has a job… the world does not stop spinning merely to cater to our fantasies I’m afraid. Harsh reality to accept, but there it is.
i have an idea to occupy your time!
tell us stories about your firsts.
first time serving, first time your ass was raped by your master, yadda yadda.
i see a post for every day your master is away.
Good idea! I’ll do that.
kaya, here is a question for you, or a topic to expound on. Like you I have kids, and while I know the oldest boy(grown now) has some idea of what I do, the youngest girls don’t. How would you handle Am finding out about your kinks?
Peace, The Prof
Of all my kids, Am is probably the one who would understand and accept it the best. She’s already introduced to alternative lifestyles and has “suffered” judgement from lack of understanding. She knows what it’s like to be “differently wired”. So, should any of them become aware anytime soon, I hope it’s her first. Kind of pave the way for how to respond to the others..lol
And to be completely honest, they all already have some inkling. They’d have to be ignorant not to. We don’t flaunt anything, but how Master and I interact on an everyday basis is evidence enough. They know I don’t make decisions without asking Him, not even (or maybe even especially) on little things – in fact, just last night they wanted to order pizza for dinner as they had friends over, and it was simply accepted and understood that I’d have to call and ask first. I wasn’t able to get in touch with Him right away, but there wasn’t any gaff from them about it. We just.. waited, for about an hour, until He called back.
I have some things working in my favor though. The first is that the kids have memories of our time before Master. These days I smile, I laugh, I’m…giddy. The kind of happiness that comes from within and naturally. Something they had never seen in me before. So something that I do say to them on the occasion that they might question me is as long as He makes me happy, then nothing else matters. The rest of it is just… details. They get that.
We’ve talked, openly and honestly, about sex, about different methods, about sexual aids, about doing things that are fun and that feel good, and not being ashamed or embarrassed of it. It’s not disgusting, it’s not a sin. Even when they’ve seen the odd toy left out, or the odd website left up (not this one though!), they’ll roll their eyes and make some smartass comment – and that’s it.
I think age-appropriate honesty is the best way to go. And if I don’t act ashamed of it, why would they be?
For you – are you on Fetlife? I see a similar nick, but not sure if its you. Also, do you have a blog? If not, why not? Or do you and I’m not making the connection between you here and you there?
kaya, thanks for the answer. I have thought about this topic many times because it came up with my oldest son. When he was in college, he called and said he needed advice. Little ol me said sure, what do you need? Turned out he wanted spanking advice!!! His new girlfriend wanted/needed him to spank her and he didn’t know how. Interesting conversation, lol. Turns out my oldest didn’t fall far from the tree, lol. That girlfriend is long gone and he is now married to a wonderful lady, who I am sure, by the interplay I see, subs to him. As for the other four, (yes I have a gaggle)I think the other boy may know, but the girls don’t. I try to keep open lines of communitation and am frank when asked a question about sex, don’t want them growing up with the same bs that I had. And if one of them asks, she will get an honest answer. Your Daddy is a sadist who likes nothing more than making females cry and stuff like that. But I really have tried to keep it totally out of thier sight.
Yes kaya, I am on fetlife, but go by TxIrishDom there. Sick person that I am, lol. As for blogging, noooowaayyyy!!! I am a fairly boring person in reality, and normally real private. Don’t even play that much in public. Only once in the past three years have I done so, besides, how could I match the quality of yours? Love your blog and envy your Master. Peace, the Prof
Which painful sensation do you like more: stingy, thuddy, something else? And if you don’t *like* pain, which do you physically tolorate better?
I like stingy and thuddy, if it’s a quickly abating sting or thud. I dont like either if it’s prolonged sting or thud.
Like, I love the whip’s fast, hard sting. I like a flogger’s heavy thud. I hate the long-lasting sting of icy hot or the constant pressure of clamps.
Definitely, I tolerate sting the best, like the whip. Unless He starts going really fast because then it’s the same as a long, drawn out pain. So of course He does that, frequently.
For you –
Has any book had a major impact on your life? If so, what was it and how did it affect you?
The book that I would have to say had the most impact on my life was “A Stranger in a Strange Land” by Robert Heinlein. When I first started reading it, I didn’t know anything about it. A roomate had recommended it, and lent me his copy.
I already believed some of the things in the book (poly lifestyles, being who you are, being part of diety), but this coellesced my beliefs.
No, I didn’t go out and join the Church of All Worlds, or tell people “may you never thirst”. But the phrase “you are God” did crystalize everything I have ever said about my spiritual beliefs, in three words. Heinlein was a genius!
Me too. i tolerate the sting best.
i forget what the lexan feels like and it’s been awhile since it’s been a flogger, but the tire paddle & twases’ thud make me want to run.
i am a cane lover.
Rattan, bamboo, synthetic… give me stingy over thuddy any day.
i get mostly thuddy now since DL figured that out.
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kaya,
i love this idea! i have some. Is there ever a time that the pain has been so incredibly bad that you literally have thought i can NOT do this anymore and you are NOT restrained? Do you ever try to get away from the pain?
i know you are a pain whore (lol) but i know your Master is pretty intense at times also. i know that there are times where due to your cycle or something, it has to hurt.
And on the same note, i am not a pain whore like you but dang it, i want to be. Is tehre a pill that i can take? Master would like for me to have it too!
rayne
I think that I can’t do this almost every time we play. No joke. I always always always think it’s too much. And He does play hard so I think I’m justified in that!
I move around more in bondage than out. I feel like bondage gives me the freedom to try and get the hell away. Having to stay still just sucks, but I’m better at it when I’m not bound.
I have broke position because the pain was so bad, but it’s something He really, really, REALLY does. not. like. So I try really really REALLY hard not to. Because when I do, when I get back into position – and I always will have to – it only gets worse from there. And I know it will.
I do recall one time (and I’m sure there is more than one, I’m just only thinking of one right now) where I just didn’t think I could take anymore and I stomped away in hysterics, got dressed, told Him that He was a mean bastard and I was *done* and I was *leaving* right now! And He sat on the couch and watched me get dressed, watched me grab my purse, watched me sit at the table and cry, watched me calm down, watched me realize who I am and what I am and then asked me if I was ready to get back in position.
I was. And He beat me harder.
Heh. That sounds really bad, but it wasn’t. I mean, it WAS, it hurt, but – oh hell. I can’t explain it.
The masochist pill! Sure! LOL.. and when you find it, slip me a couple please?
For you –
which do you prefer? Bondage or no bondage? Why?
Bondage i think….because then i can move. If i have to hold a position, i am going to move if it gets bad. i know it’s going to be worse for me but my “fight or flight” kicks in.
Funny story though….one time he had me in bondage and i was like, OH i hope you like this cause it’s the last time…ya hear me….the last time. He just looked at me and laughed which pissed me off even more because at that time, it really was. Spurned me on to just talk much more smack and many more whacks for me…..OOOOh, i was pissed.
~~~~~~I do recall one time (and I’m sure there is more than one, I’m just only thinking of one right now) where I just didn’t think I could take anymore and I stomped away in hysterics, got dressed, told Him that He was a mean bastard and I was *done* and I was *leaving* right now! And He sat on the couch and watched me get dressed, watched me grab my purse, watched me sit at the table and cry, watched me calm down, watched me realize who I am and what I am and then asked me if I was ready to get back in position. ~~~~~~
kaya, i find that incredibly hot….now, if it was me, i would be pissed at the time more than likely but hot.
Another one:
What drew you to your Master? If there was one trait that you could multiply over and over, what would it be?
which do you prefer~mental bondage or physical bondage???
also-how to you restrain yourself when not tied up from moving away while being punished??? i have problems in this area. i know Mistress is going to hit me and i want to be hit-but a demon takes over my body and i move away.
ugh!!! i meant “how do you….”
i need to refrain from typing before my morning coffee.
This is a great question about how not to move! I’m glad you asked since I didn’t think of it myself – can’t wait for the answer.
I much much much prefer bondage. I get to relax more when I’m bound because I *don’t* have to concentrate so hard on holding my position. And, I think that bondage gives me the freedom to “fight” it, the pain, Him, whatever. I’m only going to go so far, as far as the ropes/chains let me, but I love that freedom. When I’m not bound, there isn’t a defined limit to how far I can move so I feel very stiff and confined – ironic, that, huh?
I restrain myself because I know without a doubt that if I move away, when I come back it will be much much worse than it was before. He’s proven that to me more than once. The lesser of two evils is to stay still. He’s mean like that.
For you -
How is your hair going to come off? (grin) And are you more anticipating it or dreading it?
Mistress refuses to tell me “how” or “when”. She has assured me that i am definitely not going to like it. Mistress has mindfucking me down to an artform >:)
a part of me is dreading it because Mistress has no mercy when it comes to giving me pain. then there is another part that is anticipating it because even though i hate feeling the intense pain while its happening-i am thankful for it afterwards and walking on clouds for awhile.
i just wish She would let me shave under my arms
i am not holding my breath as i hate feeling like i am smuggling toupee’s in my pits and She loves that i hate it.
i am working on not moving away when She is giving me pain. anytime that i do-She inflicts more severe pain to the point that i think i am going to pass out.
Gah! Here you are taking questions and I can’t think of any right now. I know I have some for you – why is my mind a blank???
Anyway, just wanted to say I think you are brave wading into the questions and answer waters again, after the uproar that happened the last time!
Ok wait – here’s a couple:
If your Master decided that he no longer wanted to be your “Master” and participate in BDSM do you think your relationship would survive?
(ok that’s pretty deep, sorry for the seriousness)
Here’s a lighter one:
You seem like an animal lover. Can you tell us about your favorite pet you’ve ever had?
Heh. I have a short-term memory. I don’t even remember what happened last time. Was it bad?…lol
I dunno if you read Fetlife but we were JUST talking about your first question – sort of.
Basically what I said was I honestly don’t know if it would survive. Somedays, I’m sure it wouldn’t, other days I know it would. We, as a couple, are made up of so much more than kink that it’s hard to think we’d split over something like a halt to bdsm.
However, bdsm is more than something we DO and is a lot of who we ARE. So, I can imagine that if He were to change who He IS, that would change who I am, and perhaps the attraction and commitment we have for each other would alter significantly as well.
And too, bdsm is about much more than play. Even if He wanted to drop the “master” title, if we never did s&m again – if His energy and personality remained the same, I don’t think anything would change on my part.
The easy question- Two pets. When I was a kid we had a dog named Cookie, and when you said “show me your boobies!” she’d roll on her back and show off her teats. My first pet as an adult was a Siamese cat named Simon. He had the most “human” personality of any animal I’d seen, before or since. There was no one thing that made me feel that way, it was just a sense about him. He got sick (feline AIDS) and I had to put him down after just a couple of years.
For you-
When was the last time you cried and why?
Last time the q and a – I think it was all the crap about people getting mad that you didn’t want to vote for a woman president. Whatever.
I totally get what you say about the bdsm being part of who you guys *are* but that it is not all of who you are. I think that’s what people who don’t “get” it don’t get. That it is much bigger than just playing away with whips and chains.
I don’t read Fetlife – your comments here about it have scared me away! And SIGH I am not having much of anything going on in my relationship right now – kink or not. We tried some stuff, but his heart wasn’t in it. I even started my own blog about it, but quickly realized that there wasn’t going to be much to write about so I shut it down. I only have my fantasies to keep me warm right now. We are dancing around the topic of divorce…which leads me to answer your question.
The last time I cried was about two weeks ago. We had gone to marriage counseling that day, and he said he was just waiting for a separation. I was devastated and not sure what the hell to do. I called my sister (who lives 2000 miles away – SUCK) and bawled on the phone for an hour. I’ve decided to give him all the space he needs to figure his crap out. We live like room mates. SIGH SIGH SIGH. I really don’t want my marriage to end. We were really in love once upon a time. I cry when I think about losing my friend.
I love that you had a dog that showed her boobies! That’s hysterical. I’ve never had a dog, but I think I would like to have one someday. So far just cats for me.I know what you mean about animals that seem “human”. They make such great friends.
ooo i like being able to ask questions, this is fun. is there anything as in play, that you have not had an opportunity to try but really intrigues you and makes you want to experience it?
Besides everything I’ve never done?
Stapling. Sutures. Being harshly used by a group of men. Tied to and taking the place of a urinal. Human garbage can. And, I hate to even say this one – scat. But not the consumption part (gag). No… no mouth or tasting or eating. Not even on my lips. But just on me somewhere and the degradation of it all, the nastiness and the humiliation…
But sometimes fantasies should stay fantasies!
For you –
Would you rather have fame, wealth or romantic happiness?
thank you for answering, it is always great learning more about people. your question is an easy one for me, i would rather have romantic happiness, not that i think you can’t be happy by yourself (i used to think that but thankfully have learned otherwise) but because of the romantic part meaning being with someone else and having that intimacy.
If you’re still up for questions, I’ve got one (broken into roughly a trillion parts) spurred from your comment in here to the person
inexplicably attached to semantics as if nothing else on Earth matters and omg, buh???named killerqueen, or something equally intimidating.You said: “I cannot deny that … no matter what, my mothering instincts trump my slave instincts.”
Why do you think that is? (I’m not saying it’s wrong or right or anywhere in between. I’m truly just curious.) Do you think mothering is built in biologically and slavery isn’t? (I often think much of my slavery is biological in nature, but perhaps survival of the species trumps any mate-related biology?)
Do you think it’s a “they-came-first” thing?
Also… Do you know slaves (or women in general) who put their relationships before their kids? Do you think that is fundamentally (or morally, ethically, biologically, etc.) “wrong”? I certainly know mothers who put their sexual escapades first, and I know I look down on them… But are there any you look up to? Those who perhaps have Masters (or Mistresses or even vanilla partners) who just have different parenting instincts (not necessarily better or worse, just different and a point of contention) and they (the sub/slave/etc.) go with their mate’s instincts over their own, even if it goes against their instincts? Is that ever something you aspire to?
In that vein, when you and your Master differ on the kids… Do you feel your Master’s instincts about the kids are WRONG? And yours are RIGHT? And that’s why you go with yours? Or can you just not fight your own mothering, because it’s a far deeper need than your need for slavery?
Additionally, can I stop asking ninety-billion part questions now?
Yes?
Sweet. Feel free to ignore me, btw, if this strikes you as an annoying ramble. I’ll still read. Promise.
~Toy
No not an annoying ramble..lol. As if *I* have any room to diss anyone else on rambling anyhow.
But, I am gonna make you wait until tomorrow. I’m just about to go make dinner and watch a movie with the kids. Forgetting Sarah Something or other, I think. But I didnt want you to think I was gonna ignore you.
Yay! Thank you! And I’d quickly (hahahaha) like to clarify what I meant by “mothers who put their sexual escapades first.”
I was actually thinking of one woman in particular by way of a mental example for myself; the mother of a guy I consider my baby brother, who is now proudly serving in the US Army. She had her boy young and after a few years she… I dunno… Got tired of “playing house” I guess. And she dove headfirst into drinking, drugs, and sleeping with men she didn’t know. This continued ALL his life, until he enlisted to get away from his life, basically. She put nameless men before her son, always. At one point, when he was about 14 or so, we bought this him a bed, because he’d been sleeping on the floor and his mother claimed she didn’t have the money for one. She promptly went on a cruise the next week, and paid for a random guy’s ticket to go with her. :/
Aaaaaaanyway, that’s what I meant when I said there are women I DO pass harsh judgment on even though i try to be non-judgmental, but it seemed I may have been a little vague upon rereading.
~Toy
Okay. *big deep breath*
You said: “I cannot deny that … no matter what, my mothering instincts trump my slave instincts.”
Why do you think that is? Do you think mothering is built in biologically and slavery isn’t? (I often think much of my slavery is biological in nature, but perhaps survival of the species trumps any mate-related biology?)
Do you think it’s a “they-came-first” thing?
I don’t think it’s anything that complicated (or simple?) I think that I have an unwavering sense of responsibilty and commitment to those who rely on me.
In the darkest corners of my mind I’ve considered how much eaier it would be to let someone else take on the responsibility of raising my kids. How wonderful it would be to indulge in my desires for slavery sans the complication of little ones present. Other people do it, why not me too? Kids are resilient little beings, abandonment isn’t all THAT awful! Their father has abandoned them in every way imaginable save an occasional phone call and yet, they still talk to him and have some sense of love/loyalty to him. He has his cake and is eating it too, so why can’t I? He’s living the hedonistic lifestyle that I covet (though not a bdsm one, just a lifestyle with no responsibilities or expectations) with no apparent horrible consequences. So the idea has played around in my mind.
But it always has, even before I became a slave. When I was working double shifts and overtime and every weekend, when I picked up holiday shifts for the extra cash to buy a birthday present, when my friends were at parties, going on trips, living it up – I had the same thoughts then. Why do I do this? Why am I so determined to stick it out when others don’t? It *feels* like a lot of sacrifice for little gain.
I do it because they rely on me to do it. I do it because they have complete confidence that I will do it. I do it because I would not be able to forgive myself if I didn’t.
If it were a biological reason, then every mother would do it. I think it has to be an internal sense of responsibility, that is, perhaps, a curse as much as it is a gift.
Also… Do you know slaves (or women in general) who put their relationships before their kids?
I do. Both slaves and not slave.
Do you think that is fundamentally (or morally, ethically, biologically, etc.) “wrong”?
This is a tough one. And really, my judgement of it depends on how they’ve done it. I made a post some time ago that wasn’t well received, in which I stated that a mother who IS going to put her lifestyle in front of her kids should make the decision to give her kids to someone else. That I believed any parent who made that choice was making the *right* choice, the unselfish choice.
What I would consider “wrong” are the mothers who, like the one you described, put their desires first and force their kids to live within, and deal with, that environment.
But are there any you look up to? Those who perhaps have Masters (or Mistresses or even vanilla partners) who just have different parenting instincts (not necessarily better or worse, just different and a point of contention) and they (the sub/slave/etc.) go with their mate’s instincts over their own, even if it goes against their instincts?
If the different parenting instinct is a healthy one, then yes, I can look up to them. I object to the couples who pull their child into the power exchange dynamic though. If the slave suddenly requires that her child now ask her Dom for permission to have/do things because the slave is powerless in her relationship? Nah. That doesn’t seem right to me.
Is that ever something you aspire to?
No. Not in that sense. I aspire to find a balance of accepting His views and not discounting them out of hand merely because I *think* I know better.
In that vein, when you and your Master differ on the kids… Do you feel your Master’s instincts about the kids are WRONG? And yours are RIGHT? And that’s why you go with yours?
I have been there. I was there for a long time and it caused a LOT of problems between us. I was so deep in it that I would, subconsciously, do the opposite of what He thought even if my gut agreed with Him, purely because I thought He couldn’t possibly be right. That I, as their bio-parent, MUST know more and know better for them than He could.
Or can you just not fight your own mothering, because it’s a far deeper need than your need for slavery?
I could not fight my own mothering because I was a stubborn, pig-headed fool.
I think my need for slavery is a deeper need than mothering. I look forward to empty-nest syndrome. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids or that I don’t cherish every moment with them (okay, maybe not EVERY moment. They can be difficult!), it only means that I am anticipating when I can delve a little deeper into something that is on the back burner for now.
Additionally, can I stop asking ninety-billion part questions now?
Yes! LOL
Now for you-
It’s hard for me to ask a personal question when I don’t know much about the person. So, my question to you is to ask if you will tell me about you. If you had to write an introductory biography, what would it be?
how do you (normally) keep your nether regions so hairless? What IS your secret?
Thanks,
a vanilla lurker
Oh good. An easy question. Bless you..lol
I use(d) Bikini Zone shaving gel and Gillette Sensor 3 for men disposable razors. I shaved about every other day, plucked out any ingrown hairs, and frequently sprinkled on Gold Bond Extra-strength powder (or the cream, whichever). The powder (or cream) eliminated any itching so I wasn’t scratching – which causes irritation. No underwear because the seams irritated the area. And really, wearing skirts gave me adequate air flow which is a huge help in keeping the area dry and irritant-free.
So that’s it. Gosh I miss shaving. *wistful sigh*
For you –
A vanilla lurker! How interesting! So what makes you interested in reading here? Do you think you have hidden bdsm desires? Do I frequently squick you? How often do you disagree, or find offense, in what I express?
1) I originally found your site from erosblog, because there was a picture of a candle in someone’s twat and I thought, “oh this HAS to be worth seeing!”
I don’t know why I read your site… I find your sarcastic wit very amusing. I think originally it was the eyebrow quirk factor that drew me in, but I’ve been reading long enough (almost 2 years???) that now I just stop by to see what you’re up to.
2) Perhaps I do have hidden BDSM desires… very, very hidden. But mostly I’m just a sarcastic, vanilla, sex positive me. I stomp around fretting over whether my boyfriend is getting good foodies and clean laundry (he lives 2 hours away)… and wondering when the next bj opportunity will present itself.
3) The only thing that seriously squicked me was the nails through the boobs thing (:-P but it was also fascinating). I will admit I do a lot of head tilting and eyebrow wiggling, but you have yet to induce gagging, chills, or dry heaves (these happened once when I saw some felching porn, the bf loved that!)
4) I don’t really disagree with anything you say. I’ve worked in domestic violence shelters so initially I wondered about that (ie does she really want this??), but you appear to be a rational, intelligent human being, so… whatev. I could never live your life because I would be dreadfully unhappy and bored. However… I might have more time to cook and bake and knit. Nevertheless, I’m happy that you’ve found your bliss.
Now was this the most vanilla reply you’ve ever gotten? Sweet jesus on a pogo stick, I’m embarassed by how boring I sound! I promise I am more interesting in person… and vulgar. And, I’m positive you have more vanilla lurkers than just me… I just really wanted to know how to get a silky smooth shave without scraping darling coochie raw.
I qualified my name because I noticed you have another rayne posting here…
If this has been asked before, feel free to point me to it. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
In ten years – according to the “master plan” (tee hee).
I will not be online. I will be traveling with Him, should He still be traveling. I will be much further into the “cunt in a cage” mindset, less my own person, more attuned to Him, less self-involved, more used and less clothed (grin).
So much of our lives right now are dictated by the kids. Availability, time, privacy, mind-set. I think we’re, both He AND I, are more dommed by the kids than by Him.
I have no idea where I’ll be living and I don’t care. It just doesn’t matter. I know I won’t be working, I know I won’t still be actively parenting, I know my time and attention will not be pulled away as frequently as it is now.
People like to point out that parenting never ends, which is not the same thing as *actively* parenting. They will be self-sufficient (if it kills me they will be) and at that point, all of the self-control He’s been maintaining is over.
I see myself living that which I talk about, to the fullest extent.
That’s our shared dream anyway. Any number of things threaten it, but what good does it do to focus on them? I’m optimistic that it will turn out exactly as planned.
For you-
What is your ultimate goal in slavery? Where do you hope it takes you? Do you and your Master differ in any significant area when it comes to looking down the road?
What one thing would you change about your Master, if you could?
Trust that I wasn’t ignoring your questions… just not entirely sure how to answer. So I turned it over and over in my head and this is what I’ve come up with.
While it’s going to sound really hokey, I really have no goals beyond pleasing Him. I fail all the time and I hope that gets better. I’m just not the type that makes all sorts of plans. I’m firmly set in the belief that making plans sets me up for failure.
I’m not sure where He sees us headed. Some days it seems like He wants the “cunt in cage” scenario and others it seems like that would drive Him crazy. I think, for us, it will be more a “cunt in a cage… sometimes” type situation. There are times He can’t even stand me being chained cause He has to open the lock every time He needs something or I have to pee. And I have to pee a LOT.
However i do know there are plans for me to “disappear” from view of my family and such. We’re just not sure when or how that’s going to happen. My family causes me more mental and emotional stress than any other issue that comes up in our world. It’s sad that it has to be that way, but we’ve both decided it’s for the best.
Something I would change about Him… The fact that He’s a homebody. I like to be out and about and damn this cabin fever is getting to me. It was easier when I was working cause at least then I was out of the house. But, really, that’s it.
Basics:
1. Your very first ever S&M experience & thoughts surrounding it after the fact.
2. The most embarrassing thing EVER that has happened to you that makes your shoulders slump and cheeks pink up- in or out of BDSM.
3. If you could exchange a body part (just one), which one and whose would you order instead?
4. What do you want people to remember most about you?
5. What is a quality that you have, that only you know you have, that you have to rationalize yourself through.
6. The #1 fear of yours is…
7. i can’t remember reading about it as of late–refresh me– your bisexual experiences.
8a. You are a food; what are you?
8b. You’re a bad habit; which one?
9. If someone was to accuse you of something that would be most painful to hear, what would it be?
10. You’d most likely to be arrested and charged with…
A little more in depth:
)
1. I’m in front of you at the sex toy store. What am i buying and what do you say to me?
2. Give me an idea of what to by DL for Christmas. You know what we have and what we don’t have; you know where cute little slaves come in a box?
3. Describe the thing you have the most guilt about.
4. Share your deepest regret.
5. What is the craziest fucked up thing you have EVER thought about (yourself) in a BDSM scene that you know you shouldn’t write here, but you will to appease me for asking.
6.If Master were to let DL and i have you for a little while, what would the limitations on “use” be? How long could we have you and how does something like this happen
Looking forward to you responses…
xoxx
You, my darling, ask really hard questions..lol
I’m going to answer these when I have some uninterrupted time (tonight, perhaps, after the kids go to bed) if I can implore you to be patient. Otherwise, I’ll find myself trying to rush through answers and I don’t want to do that.
i am most interested in “a little more in depth” and am sitting on the edge of my seat in suspense waiting for your careful cotemplation. i know most of my questions are spread throughout the blog somewhere, but i am looking for the Cliff’s notes versions: right here.
Don’t feel obligated, but i would LOVE to know how your mind works even that much more. i cannot wait to see your response for: “I’m in front of you at the sex toy store. What am i buying and what do you say to me?”
Come poke me out of my studies when you’ve compiled them.
xoxx
1. Your very first ever S&M experience & thoughts surrounding it after the fact.
I cannot even specifically remember my first experience. I guess it must not have been that good, huh? LOL
I know my first s&m partner was also a newb and we were very tender with each other. He was a switch and occasionally I topped him. But it was touch and go throughout, which is probably why it doesn’t stand out in my mind. I think it was necessary, and healthy for me, to start that way, just not conducive to lasting memories in comparison to my present life.
2. The most embarrassing thing EVER that has happened to you that makes your shoulders slump and cheeks pink up- in or out of BDSM.
Outside of BDSM: I was sick and in the ER, it was a typical ER, crowded and no real privacy, just curtains separating gurneys. I’d been vomiting and was sipping on some 7-UP. The doc was in my curtained area, talking to me, when I felt like I was going to puke, so I grabbed the emisis basin, leaned over, opened my mouth wide and let loose the loudest, most vulgar belch you can imagine. It was an award-winning, foghorn of a burp, that echoed through the ER, momentarily silencing everyone, and then I heard giggles and snickers from all the little curtained areas.
I liked to have died of embarrassment. Even the doc laughed, said he hoped I felt better and hightailed it out of there. So. Embarrassing. I still blush when I think of it. I’m blushing now.
Within BDSM: Our very first ever public adventure, we end up at a restaurant with a huge huge group of people. Two long banquet tables full of people. Now, I am extremely shy (I swear it. I know it doesn’t show here, but I have social phobias up the wazoo) and when Master and I go out into a kink setting, I tend to hide in His coattails and let Him do the talking and socializing.
We were at a chinese place with this group and everyone had their fortune cookies and they were all reading their fortunes to each other, doing that old joke where you read the fortune and end it with “in bed!” So, Master nudges me to read mine and I kind of whisper it to Him so only He can hear it. He starts prodding me to say it louder and louder and louder. Pretty soon, He’s attracting the attention of those sitting closest to us and they pick up on the fact that this is a “D/s-y” moment because I’m stalling and begging Him to stop and He’s seriously getting perturbed because I’m not obeying as I should.
Once again I want to reiterate my social phobias and ineptitude. I’d give details to illustrate it but this is getting too long as it. Suffice it to say isolation works well for me because I don’t ever want to leave my house anyway.
Anyhoo – now people are staring and they’re nudging the people next to them and then those people are nudging the people next to them, all of them pointing and listening to the exchange between Master and I. Which is something like Him saying “Read it OUTLOUD, tess.” and me, whispering without moving my lips “please Master, please don’t” until finally He’s had enough and He indicates that He’s had enough in those not-so-subtle ways that they have of indicating that they are done fucking around with you, you know? Only now He’s really somewhat angry that I’ve made such a big deal out of a stupid thing and He ups the ante like He always does and instead of just having to read my stupid little fortune only loud enough for the 3 or 4 people next to us to hear had I just listened the first time, NOW He makes me stand up in front of both tables, He taps His glass so everyone turns and *stares* at me and then I have to read the fortune outloud to everyone which was, and I still remember, “You will be exposed to bigger and better things” and I had to follow it up with “in bed!”. It was ridiculously stupid, but for me, extremely humiliating, both the display of stubborn disobedience in front of people and the shame from that and the resulting silly public speaking.
Plus I got punished for it later, too.
So. Lame I know. I’m like that. :/
3. If you could exchange a body part (just one), which one and whose would you order instead?
My belly. I’d like Shania Twain’s please.
4. What do you want people to remember most about you?
Oh geez. Nothing, really. I suspect I’ll be remembered for my vulgarity though.
5. What is a quality that you have, that only you know you have, that you have to rationalize yourself through.
Hmm. I’m going to ask you to explain this one a little further. I’m not meshing “quality” with “rationalize through”. I’m probably looking into it too hard, huh?
6. The #1 fear of yours is…
Losing Master. Of course.
7. i can’t remember reading about it as of late–refresh me– your bisexual experiences.
Not a lot! One lesbian love affair and three separate incidents of a threesome with another woman.
8a. You are a food; what are you?
A cucumber. Maybe I can increase those female experiences that way.
8b. You’re a bad habit; which one?
Gluttony.
9. If someone was to accuse you of something that would be most painful to hear, what would it be?
That I failed as a mother.
10. You’d most likely to be arrested and charged with…
Something to do with pornography, no doubt!
A little more in depth:
1. I’m in front of you at the sex toy store. What am i buying and what do you say to me?
This.
I’d call you a piss whore just to see if you’d blush.
Then I’d give you my number and ask you to let me know how well it works because maybe I’d want one too.
2. Give me an idea of what to by DL for Christmas. You know what we have and what we don’t have; you know where cute little slaves come in a box?
A misery stick. Several of them. I hate that little fucker which means you will probably love it..lol
3. Describe the thing you have the most guilt about.
Something that involved my late husband that I cannot go into detail about here.
4. Share your deepest regret.
I deeply regret letting Jes go with my mom when I did. I thought it was the right decision at the time and it was not. It’s damaged things in ways that I can only hope are not irreversable. Time will tell.
5. What is the craziest fucked up thing you have EVER thought about (yourself) in a BDSM scene that you know you shouldn’t write here, but you will to appease me for asking.
Again, I need clarification. I’m sorry! I think I’m getting question overloaded..lol. Do you mean that, in the midst of a scene with Master, something weird that went through my head or do you mean a crazy fucked up scene that I picture myself in but that hasn’t happened? I r lost.
6.If Master were to let DL and i have you for a little while, what would the limitations on “use” be? How long could we have you and how does something like this happen
)
lol. Well He’d have to come along of course. He IS a control freak you know, so naturally He’d have to be there to watch what y’all did.
I cannot even imagine the limitations. Like you, to even guess at them would be stepping over the line. I don’t know.
The hows of it all are the same as yours. *sigh* You’re asking the wrong person. You want His number?? Huh? Do ya? DO YA?!
For you –
When can you come and see me?
ps. I’m copying your questions here and taking them over to your place. tit for tat.
I would add to this post, but jeez is it long (I’ve been reading for a couple hours? I have no idea). I just had to add that I completely giggled out loud (which should have its own acronym imo) and I wanted to thank you for that–I needed it.
about the ER embarrassing story…..it’s late.
There’s actually a question that I’ve been wanting to ask you, but have been too lazy…lol, so this is a great motivator!
You’ve mentioned several times that he controls everything, down to the books that you read. I’m fascinated by that…I understand the “why” part in the greater scheme of control, but what does he restrict you from reading? I know you’ve said that you’re both voracious readers…are there things that you are *not* allowed to read…and why? Things that he makes you read that you wouldn’t otherwise?
I referred your question to Master by email. It’s been a long, long time since we’ve discussed books and I just read what He buys me. Here’s what He said:
He does NOT allow me to read “sappy, twat-twitching, bullshit fake harlequin romance type” (/quote) books. They are a waste of my(His) time.
He does allow, and encourage, any kind of book to do with self-help provided it’s subject is something that is “slave-related”. Cooking, meditation, exercise, massage techniques, sex techniques, home improvement – you get the idea.
I cannot read books of the self-help kind that deal with thoughts or emotions. He prefers I bring any issues that I may have of that sort to Him as He wants to direct me in that area.
I can read anything bdsm related, non-fiction or fiction. And He expects discussion from it.
I’m surprised at what a difficult question this turned out to be. I’m so used to His control of it that it was one of those things I didn’t notice anymore. And I don’t (didn’t) think there were genres He forbid so much as it just seemed to go on a case by case (or book by book) basis.
A typical trip the bookstore would go like this –
He goes and browses His preferred area. I wander around, picking up books that look interesting to me. I find Him, He pokes through my selected pile, and either approves or disapproves. Lately, He doesn’t pluck much out of my pile, though now I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve acclimated myself to choosing the books I know He approves of or if it’s because He’s relaxing some of it.
A few days ago Am and I were at Target. She was looking for a specific book and I was browsing around. There were a number of titles that caught my eye but there was no way I’d have bought one without asking Him first. I don’t recall there being any real thought behind it, just a.. well I don’t know what.. just a “well thats the way it is” sort of feeling. Am got her book, I told her I didn’t see anything I liked, and we left.
Good question!
Now for you –
Someone up there in a previous comment asked me something about analyzing, as in too much of it. I’ve noticed that you do a fair bit of analyzing within yourself. My question is, do you ever think that your analyzing becomes problematic? Like, do you suspect that you may be “borrowing trouble”? Not that *I* think you are, I want to make that clear, but I’m curious because I sometimes wish I could have the simple acceptance that some have (even though I also sometimes think those people would buy the bridge I have to sell them, if you know what I mean). I envy the ease with which they cruise through, the rather childlike-esque persona they present to the world. Do you ever wish you could turn off your head, or dial it down a notch, and just… “be”?
Wow, at first…I cringed! I’m such a book whore…I’ll read just about anything…especially if it’s self help related. I do have some crappy romances, and probably plenty of books that could be considered…”time wasters”. But, I don’t dive into those too often and they’re mostly to give my brain a rest from all the self analyzing…which brings me to your question….(and you’re brain obviously doesn’t suffer from book restriction!) Tell him I said thank you please.
Good lord, yes! I absolutely wish that there were times that I could just…turn it off! I will run myself in circles all day long sometimes…but then, honestly? I wouldn’t give it up for the world. I honestly believe that I’m one of the more self aware people that I know (in real life) and the things that I’ve learned about myself have been helpful to others as well. I’m a healer and teacher by nature, so it’s always been so important to me to pass on what I learn and honestly? You’d be amazed at how many people are drawn to me who struggle with the very same things that I do/did. I learn from them too…never done learning…*sigh*
I am, however, reaching a point in my life where the deep analytical stuff…it isn’t really serving me as much any more. I think that I will always be analytical, but I think that I’m getting better at noticing when I’m not getting anywhere with it…when I just need to learn to “let go”.
*shrug* I’m certain that there are times that I “borrow trouble”. Master and I have had MANY MANY conversations where it’s been necessary for him to point out that I was “making stuff up”…that is, talking myself into circles instead of coming to him with it. My heart did a little skip when you mentioned that you weren’t allowed to read self help books that had to do with emotions and stuff…until I realized that recently…I had had an apostrophe while at the book store. Master and I were standing in front of the “self help” section and I was drooling. “One of each please!” I said. He said, “You don’t need any of those, you have all the tools that you need…you just need to put them into practice.” And he’s right! You’re waaaay better off. I finally caught myself out at looking for answers everywhere but where I should be…inside myself and inside him.
Thanks for the question!
Kaya,
I know your question wasn’t directed to me, but as another vanilla lurker…
So what makes you interested in reading here?
Well, I was directed over here from erosblog on your entry concerning fisting, which makes my frog cringe. (Yeah, that’s what I call my pussy: a derogatory insult for Victorian prostitutes.)
Do you think you have hidden bdsm desires?
Doesn’t everyone? While I cannot claim to desire the intensity you relish, the thought of being bent over my lover’s knee for an infraction and earning extra strikes for protesting is hot, tack bras are not.
Do I frequently squick you?
Rarely. Though, there have been moments of “HOLY CRAP IS SHE MADE OF FUCKING STEEL?”
How often do you disagree, or find offense, in what I express?
Never. Just because we choose to live different lives, you are ineffably happy, which is all anyone could wish another someone.
Best Wishes,
Ally
P.S. How is the UTI coming along? All better?
It is getting better. I held out for a couple of days to make sure it wasn’t just an irritation, and I tried to self-treat, but I broke down and went for the antibiotics. So, I’ll be good as new in a day or two.
Thank you for answering the questions – and for delurking.
Ah yes… word up on the spanking… I forgot about that.
Mmm, this is hard – so many excellent questions have already been asked.
What bloggers, if any, are you currently reading? Any recommendations?
What was the last good book you read? Last good movie you saw in the theatre?
What’s your favorite holiday of the year and why? Least favorite?
Favorite sex toy/torture device?
What bloggers, if any, are you currently reading? Any recommendations?
I read everyone that I have linked on my blogroll and the f-list that I have on LJ. I don’t read them all every single day, though I wish I had the time to, but they don’t post every day either.
Recommendations are difficult for me to give because I can’t single anyone out. I think every single one of them brings something valuable to the table (or I wouldn’t have them linked) and it all depends on what it is a person is wanting to read. There is a rainbow of kinks and perspectives among those blogs and all of them are interesting individuals well worth the read.
There is everything from poly to kink-with-mental illness to kink-with-kids to marital affairs to kink-while-aging-gracefully to hardcore s&m to male feminizing to finding oneself after being released to simple kinky sex to finding each other again after failed attempts at kink to –
The list is endless. How could I pick one?
What was the last good book you read? Last good movie you saw in the theatre?
The last book I read was the last Stephanie Plum book. I don’t know if I’d say it was “good”. I enjoyed the series but I don’t expect it to win any prizes, yanno?
Master and I took the kids to see Saw V before He left. It was.. blah. Boring really. I think they are wearing that series very very thin. The last movie we saw in theaters that I really thought was GOOD was I Am Legend.
What’s your favorite holiday of the year and why? Least favorite?
Christmas of course. I love everything about Christmas. I’d play Christmas music all year round if Master would let me.
Least favorite would be Valentine’s Day. It’s such a money-sucking useless holiday. (unlike Christmas which is a money-sucking useFUL holiday.
)
Favorite sex toy/torture device?
Can I be really hokey and say Master’s hands? I know I know, it’s trite, but it’s true! There are just so many sensations that can come from His hands alone, and honestly, since we’ve moved (and we still haven’t really unpacked the toys), His hands do everything. I’m falling in love with them.
For you –
Fetlife. Thoughts? Feelings? How do you stay so calm..lol?
What about Fet do you like? What would you change if you were John? What do you dislike? How much time do you spend there (cuz I am a hopeless addict and I hate myself for it!)
I like FetLife, and I like the idea of FetLife. Personally, I miss how small and intimate the community was when things first got started, but that one of the inevitable things about growth, I suppose. I think it’s a good idea to have a social networking community for kinksters – I know I spend a lot more time there than I ever do on myspace or Facebook.
I would like to see chatrooms – we get a lot of requests from people for them. And I wish there was an easier way to weed out trolls and assholes, but I suppose one would run into that with any community.
I’m not sure what I would do differently if I were John. I know I’m certainly glad that I’m not him. He works so hard and FetLife has taken over almost every aspect of his life – it would drive me crazy. It cannot be an easy job.
Personally, I actually don’t spend a great deal of time on FetLife. Greeting takes up a lot of my time, so I greet and answer emails and questions, try to help where I can, but I don’t get to browse the groups as much as I’d like. I do keep up with the local groups, and in fact, FetLife has really helped me become part of the local community – before, I didn’t even know there was anything out there.
Heheh, I don’t know how I stay sane. These days twitter is my lifeline, and I tell myself that as long as I get the important stuff done, the rest will wait.
Wow, kaya, can I say that I am glad that you were feeling bored? If you hadn’t been bored, then so much would have been learned about so many others and just how challenging it can be to live within our lives as slaves.
Me: Next month I will have been with my Master for a year. I moved into His home a month ago, still dealing with a huge work commute while I am looking for something either more local, or ideally telecommute from home.
My sons are grown and on their own, but seeing as my mom is a professional Domme and we were always as honest as possible about what she does, I am figuring that they will be encouraging Master to “order me” to make their favorite foods and to do their laundry as well…… AS IF!
Like so many others, I never knew that surrendering completely to Master could bring such bliss. Likewise, learning to put my own needs, especially the carnal ones, on the back burner to His led to some very quiet moments on my side.
When I am upset, I do not cry, yell or pout, I just get very quiet, it is my way of keeping from saying something I really don’t mean. It lets me address my concerns more rationally the next day. Unless of course He notices and asks. Then I struggle to keep my thoughts properly subservient and not yell out.
Time to get dressed and ready for my interview this morning. Wish me luck.
i used to feel that way like everything was suddenly colder and empty when my boyfriend wasn’t there to sleep with me. i feel that way some nights now that me and my Lord are living separately
Do i have the time to listen to you whine ?
Well yeah… i do ! If i don’t have it, i take it and i come back to your blog again and again !
Yet, there will be months before i get to see Master again, i’m horny and lonely and it’s really cold sleeping alone… and my birthday is today, happy birthday me (insert pathetic emote) lol
i love to hear you “whine” because i know very soon you won’t be sleeping alone, and you will share it with us in the same unabashed way… Thank you again for that !