Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

What’s love got to do with it?

I’ve been mentioning here and there that I want to do a post about love and I have the time right now to do it, but of course today is one of those days where my thoughts are flitting about like butterflies on crack so no promises on this making a lick of sense.

Sometimes I think love is a death sentence for M/s. It could be the only time where unrequited love is preferred. Because, at least for me, my love for HIM is necessary, something I draw on when it comes to service and submission. I could not find pleasure in half of what I do if I didn’t love him as deeply and fiercely as I do.

But his love for me, when it comes to parts and pieces of Ms/ and sadism – is like a wet blanket.

It’s a trap. A trap that he opens and I fall into, a place where we both end up spinning in circles for a time, not sure what’s holding us down until finally, one of us (me, usually) will sit up and go “Ah-ha! You’re loving me again. Loving me too much.”

What will happen is that I’ll end up with a case of the “wifies”. Girlfriend syndrome, I’ve heard it called. A time when expectations dip into romance and tenderness, when I begin to think I deserve to be treated more as an equal than a subordinate, when I assign more importance to my needs than to his, when I expect to be courted and wooed and romanced into sex and service. When I can sit on the couch, with my feet up, and ask HIM to fetch ME something.

A time when his requests are met with an eyeroll instead of a pleasant nod, when he’s answered with grunts or heavy sighs instead of “Yes Master”, a time when I stomp away, scowling, and thinking to myself, “what about ME, you selfish prick? I’m tired and I’m stressed and my head aches and.. and.. and.. etc. etc.! What makes YOU so special?”

What makes this so hard for him to see is because he loves me as deeply and fiercely as I love him. He doesn’t immediately see it for what it is. Instead, he lets the love, and the natural urge to please the one you love, override what should be the response of a Master. He responds as my husband, with gentleness and concern. He babies me, pets me.

It’s not long before we are both sitting here, scratching our heads, wondering what the hell happened to that mean old Sadist and his docile submissive.

They are buried somewhere under the heavy, wet blanket of loving husband and wife.

I know it’s not just us, either. I read and I see other long-term couples, living together, trying to make it work, slipping and sliding into the same love-trap. Clawing their way out only to slide back in without notice some few months later.

I see more who give up the fight for good. It’s easier to live as husband and wife. That’s what makes it such an easy pit to fall in to. It’s less work, the only consequence being a twinge of remembrance, a flash of want, overshadowed by a reminder of how much damn WORK it is to maintain the whole M/s thing, how you can’t take a day off, you can’t let anything slide, you have to be Johnny-on-the-spot ALL THE TIME and *sigh*…. easier to not have it.

So we fight and we fight, over and over again, to keep on keepin’ on. Less ’Scott and Tess’, more ’Master and cunt’.

But then I ask myself, “self, do you really want it any other way? Oh sure it sounds all sorts of “fun” to have that uncaring person of your fantasies ordering you about with no consideration to your feelings. But, let’s look at this honestly for a moment. Would you really want to have to suck a dick when you have a migraine? Would you truly want to be sent outside to shovel snow in the midst of the stomach flu, or pushed under the desk when you’re so tired you can’t see straight or… OR, for goodness sake, have access to watching American Idol taken away?? Worked and fucked and worked and fucked to the bone, to the very edges of your sanity? Or… is it nice to know that this person who hurts you in ways that you like (and in some ways that you dont), this man who fucks you senseless, who holds you to standards that are high but not unreachable.. this man cares about you, worries over your feelings, never wants to hurt you beyond repair, would do nothing, ever, to cause you emotional pain, consults you on matters of the heart, rubs your cheek as you cry, testing and feeling and proving that he’s not pushed you too hard, too far. Really, would you want that to change, cunt?”

No. For God’s sake, no.

If it is that there has to be a balance for us, a tightrope walk between love and sadism, and if we are prone to falling off now and then, the fact that we always, ALWAYS fall to the side of too much love gives me profound hope for our future. Because it is fact that someday, far into the future (I hope), M/s and s&m will be laid to the side – like a pair of pants we no longer fit into. Age and health will someday force us out of it. And at least I know that what we’ll be left with once stripped of those M/s clothes, is a deeply forged love, a connection proven time and time again to be our natural state.

“He loves me too much.” My chief complaint. But one I make with a smug and satisfied smile.

At least for today. Another day, I’ll be lamenting those early days of callous sadism before love was in the mix. I’ll be begging him to hate me, just a little, just for a little while, because underneath my wifely loving heart lies the soul of a masochist, starving for a plate of mean.

So, there you have it; butterfly thoughts on crack.

19 Responses to “What’s love got to do with it?”

  • swan

    Hugs, Honey. From a companion on the journey who is a bit further along the “age” trail than you and He, I congratulate you on your security in that “love” which makes this all so complex. I wish you many, many, years of joy and gladness, and yes, struggle to stay on that tightrope. Wishing you all the best.


  • tina

    “rubs your cheek as you cry, testing and feeling and proving that he’s not pushed you too hard, too far.”

    That’s somehow the heart of it right there. We need that, even when we crave the other. Could you give it all to a man who didn’t value it? I couldn’t. To me, that would cross the line into self-destructive. disrespectful of what I am.

    Interesting post, very thought provoking.

  • dweaver999


    If this is butterfly thoughts on crack, give that butterfly more crack, girl! I have not seen the subject of love and BDSM talked abut with more realistic clarity anywhere. It’s a reoccuring theme in my writings, how love and M/s interact. My characters frequently wrestle with loving and being loved in nthe midst of being used. Can an act of sadistic cruelty BE an act of love, if the reciepient is a masochist? I believe the answer is yes, but like you, I think that the tenders are an inevitable product of any love for any person.

    BTW I think you’ve hinted at your own answer to the question, “Do you think cunt-in-a-box viable or a fantasy?”


  • SpoiledPet

    I love that last line…

    “So, there you have it; butterfly thoughts on crack.”

    These kinds of posts are why I keep checking your blog almost daily. Sometimes you say what I feel more clearly than I’ve ever been able to before. It’s inspiring, and comforting, to read your posts.

    I’ve only commented once before, on your lurker appreciation post. I have a name of my own now, but the blog under my url is just bare bones to start. More coming when life gives me a chance to catch my breath. *smile*

    As always, thank you for sharing.
    ~ Spoiled Pet

  • SixThreeFive

    The sucking cock with a migraine hits home for me…. ‘cuz I’ve done that. I’ve bent over, grabbed a pipe at hight with my ankles and gotten fucked from behind, while having a migraine. It was a short fuck and short sucking, with some cuddling in between. And I got to spend a little time hugging my head in a corner of the shower (where we were)…

    … I’m glad I don’t have to do that every time when I have a migraine. I’m glad he didn’t expect me to cum or orgasm or be fully into it. But it got done. There was no question of wheter or not it would, not in my mind at least. I can’t remember a moment of “could we not..?”, just a point where I told him I had a migraine.

    We had absolutely no painkillers at home that time, and I got 12 hours of sleeping with a migraine before I had to get up and walk to the apotechary to get some medicine. He let me rest, bless him.

    We’ve fallen into this slow, non-M/s mode right now. Frankly, I think he likes it here… I’m… comfortable, very comfortable, but not completely fulfilled. I am, however, sure he’ll fix that if he cares about the M/s part of our lives. If he doesn’t, then… well, that sucks, right? But ain’t nothing I can do about it.

    Accept, move on and keep molding myself to this new thing he wants from me. If that “new thing” is obedient property or cuddled girlfriend, doesn’t matter. :)

  • Carrie Ann

    I am perpetually stuck between girlfriend mode and submissive mode. My home is somewhere exactly in the center.
    I want it all. The plate of mean and the loving romance. The tender partner and the strict dominant.
    So does he, of course. Want it all, that is. But it’s much easier, I think, for a submissive to be a big ball of everything than it is for a dominant.

    The results, when we’re in sync, are bliss.
    When we’re not? Oy. Thank goodness I enjoy struggle. :)

  • Maria

    Great post! Thanks!

    (I really don’t have anything else to contribute, lol.)

  • pinkroses521

    OH MY GOD! I’m going through a very similar thing right now. It seems the more submissive I am the less dominating he becomes….maybe it is tied up with the whole love thing. It’s definitly something to think about.

  • kandyecaned

    We’re always it seems caught in the limbo of sub/slave/wife.
    Especially if you try to live this lifestle with kids in the house.

    It kind of boils down to this for me…24/7 in my mind we have the most perfect M/s-S/m relationship imaginable… In reality; I am submissive 99% of the time; and true slave about 70% of the time. The S/m is atainable about 40% of the time. (Hard to whip, strap, or sting mommy with a switch with little ones in ear shot.)
    The thing is, I can’t happily exist without it, so we make it work however we can…piece it together somehow, because the alternative is for it not to exist. Trust me…that is NOT an alternative.

  • Adele

    I’ve never heard so clear and concise a butterfly on crack. Most crackflys can’t put together a complete sentence. Rock on Scott and Tess

  • slave_stasha

    What you have with your Master is wonderful.

    Verry thought provoking post and it makes me miss times like that with my Master.

    Thank you for this :)

  • Brianstoy

    Couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m going through some medical issues right now that preclude our usual lifestyle (that and trying to go back to school hasn’t seemed to help). Once life is back to normal he has promised to have me strapped to the door for a good beating but in the meantime he is the perfect husband and gentleman. Always concerned, always caring. Like he says, “we’re going to be together forever so IT can wait a little while.”

  • fown

    As someone who is just embarking on this whole journey i really appreaciate your cracked out butterflys…you always give me something interesting to think about and while i’m not sure i could ever handle the extreme things that you love, reading about your emotional experiences has given me so much to think about in my own life and journey as a submissive female. Thank you and your Master for sharing your views, experiences and snapshots of your life with this little girl.


  • Blackryng

    This post really got to me. It explains, at least to me, why polyamory can become so prominent in bdsm relationships.

    Your master lets a stranger use you.

    The stranger will not love you, and can give you, quite truthfully, the debasement and indifference you crave. This keeps the spark at the center of kink the continued fuel to keep it hot. It’s also dangerous, since it could interfere with the primary relationship if not handled correctly. And we all know danger is fun.

    Having been the stranger before, I have wondered about this, but in an unfocused manner.

    Thanks again for your insights, its why I read you every day.

  • slave~kitty

    oh, kaya! wow…

    you know, i’m still a baby to this whole bdsm thing, just in recent months i’ve begun to really explore and examine myself with regards to that. and last night i was having a conversation with a friend about this, but couldn’t articulate what I wanted to say.

    this is it.

    you are wonderful. what a joy to read something that opens my eyes and stirs my soul.


  • Anonymous

    This is purely why you are such a fine writer. Keep this up!

  • Beloved's girl

    So I read your post aloud to Beloved, and we giggled and nodded and traveled around the emotional map…recognizing some places, curious about others…

    in short, we both loved it. Beloved paused, absorbing something at the end, and said, “That was a very insightful post…” His tone makes me think your comparisons of sodden wet blankets will come up again at some point.

    We just had a pretty intense scene that left me questioning how much I ask when I call him Master, how hard it might be to acknowledge my pleas and tears and yet CONTINUE to hurt me. How very taunt the tightrope is that we walk in M/s…

    Thank you so much for writing!

    It’s still March, so I’m hoping I can still ask a question, completely unrelated to your post. What are your thoughts about abuse survivors and BDSM or D/s play? Maybe not a nice topic, but one I’ve been mulling in my head for a while now…

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  • sully

    That was really beautiful It describes perfectly what my husband and I have been going through for years of up and down.
    Sometimes it’s full on and other times the dd is barely there and it frustrates me so much I want to scream.

    It’s great to read such a realistic viewpoint. One that I will remember when I’m frustrated at him loving me too much.

    Sully d


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