“There’s nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them.”

The last of the March questions. While I don’t regret this month of Q&A, I am glad it’s over! ;)

I know you have that evil stick thing…but do you have one that has a ball on the end? Like here? http://www.swtchr2.com/evil_stick_family_tm.ht

Yes we do. And actually, the ball hurts less than the other one so naturally Master rarely uses it. :/

We see a lot of who you are through your blog but what is your everday life like?

My everyday life is pretty normal. I do normal housewife-type stuff, I wear normal clothes, I do normal yard work. It’s blessedly (and perhaps boringly) normal. I pay a little more attention to the details that I know Master cares about. Like what time dinner is to be on the table, whether I’ve gotten the journal post done (and whether or not it’s of the caliber he expects or has the pictures he wanted posted), if the house is clean.. it’s really not that I do anything differently than someone who isn’t in a power-exchange relationship, only that my motivation and consequences are (probably) different. It’s no longer “is the bathroom clean enough for me?” but “is the bathroom clean enough by Master’s standards?” (which are way higher than mine, I might add). And if something *isn’t* done and done right, the reason of “cuz I didn’t feel like it” doesn’t fly. I have to have a valid reason or face the consequences. I don’t get to have days where I decide I just don’t want to vacuum or don’t want to cook or want to procrastinate the errands. Though he allows me some amount of self-direction on chores and such, it’s within some pre-set parameters. For instance, I can do laundry as I feel like it as long as he never doesn’t have an article of clothing that he wants when he wants it. The first time he doesn’t have a clean towel to grab or a pair of clean spankies, my laundry freedom will be gone.

So I get up, make coffee before I leave, go to work for a couple hours, come home, take the dogs for a walk (at least a mile, generally two, weather allowing), usually get a post done (I’m jonesing for the computer by the time I get home. Srsly.). Then I spend the next 4 or 5 hours cleaning and doing laundry, taking care of the animals. About 3:30 to 4, the kids get home and I start dinner so it’s done by 5:30-ish, which is when Master gets home. I serve (and service him) as needed. We eat dinner together, watch a little tv, about 7-7:30pm the kids start homework and Master usually disappears into the other room while I do that. The kids and I chat over homework and tv until about 9pm when they start their showers and bedtime stuff. I do my own bedtime stuff and head to the bedroom at about 9:30 and do any other servicing that he’s wanting (back rubs, foot massages, blow jobs, sex, etc.) set my alarm for 4-freaking-30 in the morning and go to sleep. The End. Exciting, yeah? ;)

How do you deal with public interaction? Like if I saw you in public, how would you and your Master be acting?

We act like every other couple you see. We laugh, argue, pick at each other. Any of the D/s stuff (and I think that’s what you mean?) is pretty low-key. I don’t think anyone notices it, but maybe they do. He’s pretty good about keeping things subtle, and I don’t act up in public to make it an issue. There are some things, like, I don’t wander away without asking. I don’t eat or drink without asking. I make sure he’s served first. I don’t really know how to answer this. What we do is so habitual now that I just don’t notice it anymore. We’ve recently met several people in public, they could probably answer this question better than I can!

How often do y’all have sex, on average? From what we see here it sounds like every 5 seconds. :-P

lol.. I wish! I’d say it averages once a day. Sometimes we skip a day but then some days we do it 3 or 4 times.

Here lately the make up sex has been phenomenal. I think we’re going to have to schedule in a monthly fight just so we can make up again. :D

Also, I’ve been wondering for awhile, what is your master like? I have a very vivid picture of your personality, obviously, but what kind of person is he? If we were to randomly meet and socialize for a bit, what kind of impression would he leave me with? If you can ever answer that, biased as you are. :)

That’s as hard as the last question! He’s… strong-willed. But polite, too. I’m trying to remember where we were not too long ago. Maybe it was at the play party last weekend? Anyway, I overheard him talking to one of the women there (submissive, had to be because I don’t think there are any dominant women at this particular party) and I heard him say “yes ma’am” a time or two in answer to questions. It just makes me smile to hear that because he’s very secure in his dominance and doesn’t need to blow smoke about it, you know?

I think his first impressions tend to be along the lines of “gee, you aren’t nearly as scary as kaya makes you out to be!”. He’s funny, personable, can talk to anyone about anything at any time. He’s a master of useless trivia about everything. *I* think he comes off as a little pushy, over-zealous, but maybe not. And maybe that’s just part and parcel of having a dominant personality, too. He’s the total opposite of me (I think).

Have you ever refused to do something your master wanted you to? Or is there even anything he’s mentioned that you’d refuse to do?

Oh yes. Sometimes I’ve looked at him like he just grew a second head and told him he was flat out fucking crazy if he thought I’d do that. Sometimes he laughs along with me, other times he cocks that eyebrow, and gives me that low, gravelly, “Now” command and I do it. Or attempt to. Because when that eyebrow goes is not the time to discuss his sanity. At least, not if I want to have any skin left on my body.

Occasionally, those kinds of commands aren’t necessarily things he *wants* me to do so much as he’s testing the depths of my willingness to do it. For instance, he might be sitting on the toilet having just defecated and call me in there, tell me to get on my knees and lick his asshole clean. And, as you can imagine, I balk pretty loudly. Cuz, um, ew. Sometimes he’ll laugh and shut the door and go about his own wiping. Sometimes he’ll snap and point at the floor at his feet and I shut up and get the fuck into position. *Willing* to start licking (gag). So far, when it comes to orders of that nature, he’ll stop before it actually gets to the nitty gritty, sometimes he pushes it far enough that I’m convinced he isn’t going to stop *this time*. Some day, one of these times, he won’t stop. And I know it.

Hm. Maybe that doesn’t exactly qualify as a refusal then.

Um.. I had deciding vote over the kids so there were times when I would refuse to do it his way, but I don’t guess you’re really asking about the kids, huh?

I don’t think I’ve ever not at least tried. Surprisingly, or not, what I balk at the hardest is silly stupid stuff. Like, having to ask a stranger a question. I literally almost bawled at this last party because he was insistent that I ask the host a question and I could not do it. I’m strange that way. Social phobias or some such shit.

Jesus. I am not braining well today. I can’t *think*.

I know you’ve said you’re open with your doctor about your lifestyle. Are you open with all your doctors about your lifestyle? Would you tell a specialist who you saw who didn’t see any marks/have any reason particularly to ask?

No. Absolutely not. I’m only open to my gp because he’s likely to see things or have questions. And, due to insurance changes, I’ve had to change gp’s twice this year so that sucked. But, true to what I’ve always said, neither doctor so much as raised a brow at what I said, or acted shocked, or showed even the slightest hint of disapproval, not even upon viewing the scars on my breasts. But as far as telling someone who didn’t need to know, no. Only if asked, and even then, if it wasn’t pertinent to the job at hand I’d be pretty stingy with my information.

Has you Master ever slipped and called you cunt in front of other people?

Not exactly. He’s started to but he always catches himself. Not that all of the recoveries are very successful, but he does try! He’ll start to say it, realize what he’s saying and who’s listening and go “Cunnnn-uty pie!” Makes me laugh. :D

where did the name Kaya come from?

It evolved from a chat room where I had to register a nick in order to chat. I wanted to have just the letter “k”, which came from that book “The Girl in the Box”. k was her slave name, which was a theory he took from the Story of O. Anyway, the chat room register wouldn’t accept a single letter as a nick so I tried to lengthen it to “kay” but that was already registered so I stuck an ’a’ on the end of it. At the time, I didn’t even know ’kaya’ was a word. It was, to me, a nonsensical collection of letters. The first I heard that it had a meaning was some several months later when I was asked if I was using used kaya to indicate that I’m a pot-smoker. (which I am not, btw. Never have been). Since then though, I have seen and heard it used as a name quite often.

Well I thought I could get through the rest of the questions today but I’m way, way out of time. Tomorrow then.

~cunt

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Proof.

Reiterating my own words.

I realize not ALL women have pms.

Do I really think pms is the sole reason not to have a female president? No.

I also know that other countries have had female leaders and it’s been fine.

my main reason for not wanting a woman president is pretty simple, and entirely personal and completely based upon my own opinion, how I see the world,

Nor am I submissive because I think all women should be submissive, or because the bible said so, or because I think women are weak and/or stupid.

But I DO see men as powerful. I am subservient to men in general because they represent – *to me* – superiority. Strength. Control. Power.

It’s my opinion that men are leaders

Which is not to say that women *can’t* be.

you asked my opinion on something

In MY mind, in my world,

would *I* want a woman as the president?No.

And, from a week or two ago, on the issue of my daughters:

They do not think that all women should let the husband rule the roost. Not at all. And they have questioned why I don’t challenge him. I simply explain it as this is how I choose to live and that it makes me happy. That they can decide for themselves what type of relationship they want to have when they are adults. I can tell you that Am will probably not be a subservient female. She has gotten offended on my behalf a time or two and it’s taken several times for me to stand up to *her* about my choices. She’s made her peace with it now and only says that she’ll never want what I do. I tell her she doesn’t have to have it, that’s the beauty of having choices. (and thank you, dara, for posting this. A bunch.)

So here’s the thing. I was asked my opinion and I gave it. Now, I know that what I think isn’t rational, nor is it based on any proof that women aren’t capable of positions of power. I know lots of women do exceptional jobs.

But I wasn’t asked that question, was I? I answered a question based on how something makes me feel. Where I find my safety, my feelings of security, where I sense power. That’s simply what my preference is. That hardly makes me a misogynist. Having a preference does not equate to hating the other. I love chocolate, but I prefer vanilla ice cream. Does that mean I hate chocolate ice cream? Um, no.

I love women, but I prefer men in roles of leadership. I do not HATE women. Seriously. And you allude that I’m the ignorant one?

I also know my opinion is not a popular one, and it shouldn’t be. But it is mine and I’m not going to lie merely because my truth isn’t well received. The good thing is- I’m nothing, nobody. What I think has zero weight. I don’t vote, I don’t campaign, I’m not out trying to convert anyone to Female Submission. The world will carry on regardless of my unpopular preference of a male president over a female president.

To answer another question, given the option I would indeed choose a male doctor over a female doctor. I’d choose a male police officer over a female one, I’d choose a male lawyer, a male soldier, a male whatever. Because men make me feel safe. But times when I’ve had a female doctor, I’ve not left the exam room feeling that I wasn’t cared for properly. I do not think women are incapable of doing the job, whatever it is. But one gender brings up an immediate feeling of confidence and security, and one does not. Given a choice to feel safe or to feel nothing, I choose safety.

Also. I never once made the claim that Master sees women as inferior. Never did those words leave my mouth. He works with women, he reports to women, and he has zero issue with it. Does he find women of power attractive? Probably. His attraction to me initially was based on my masochism. At the time I *was* independent and strong and he found me highly attractive. Don’t project my opinion as his. He may or may not have any qualms whatsoever about a female president.

To be honest, the emotional, angry, insulting reaction I’ve gotten from the mostly female readers here is just further proof for me. I’m not at all surprised that you all reacted the way you did.

I’m a little surprised at how many agreed with me though. And grateful. Not grateful that you agree, but that you spoke up truthfully about a topic that tends to get dicey and heated. Thank you.

Edit: 3-31-08

I just want to point out that some of you (not all! NOT ALL! make sure I repeat that a hundred times or so. SOME of you) are acting *exactly* like I would expect a woman to act. You claim to not be precisely what you are proving yourself to be.

And who am I? Nothing. Nobody. Yet you’re ready to rip my head off for having an opposing opinion. What would you do if it were another country’s leader telling you to shut the fuck up and get back in the kitchen where you belong? Would you become so angry and irrational that you’d shoot him? What about when the media and newspapers and other countries and blogs and magazines start ripping you to shreds over unpopular decisions, like they do to every other president. A subject of intense hatred, the topic of rude jokes.. I mean, Christ, you’re proving that women can’t handle a stupid little nothing journal post in a rational, calm manner yet proclaiming they can run the country just fine. Yeah.. right.

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Perfectly Flawed

I have a lot of flaws. Some I embrace, pieces and parts of me that make me unique; some I accept with weary defeat, having finally realized I’ll have them forever; but one flaw in particular is a bitch to kick.

I don’t know how to disagree about something important. I simply do not know how.

(I *am* learning what doesn’t work though! )

I was just never taught how to express a differing opinion in a healthy manner. It was never done in my house. My mother ruled with an iron fist. Us kids were not. allowed. to. argue. Ever. At the first sign of disagreement, she’d plop us into separate rooms and there we’d stay until no trace of dissension remained. If it was a toy we were squabbling over, that toy disappeared immediately and forever. And none of us ever argued with her, unless we had our own obituary in hand. She’d crack us the very second she even *thought* we were about to raise our voice or give an opposing opinion.

Any discipline was done by her. Any questions we had, permission needed, decisions to be made – done by her. My mom definitely wore the pants in our house. My step-dad still doesn’t cross her. I can recall two serious disagreements between my parents during my years at home: One had my mom standing in the kitchen whipping plates and glasses across the room, smashing them against the wall demanding that my step-dad give in to whatever it was that she was wanting at the time, and the other time, my mom simply left. Left all of us kids, checked herself into a motel and refused to come home until, again, my step-dad gave in. Other times, she’d lock herself in the bedroom, or give us all the silent treatment (for days. DAYS and DAYS.) or refuse to cook or clean or get off the couch. All temper tantrums, holding out until she got whatever she wanted from any of us. (ask me again why I don’t want a female president? My experiences with women aren’t generally positive or stable.)

So. I’m sure you can imagine how any of those scenarios would work in this house, yeah?

Master and I don’t disagree a lot. There’s really no room or reason to, given that he’s the final decision on most things. I’m glad for it usually. I don’t have a whole lot of trouble allowing him that control.

There’s just that one thing though. Isn’t there always?

There is one thing that I have VERY strong opinions on. That one thing is also the last thing left in my life that I have a deciding vote on. He also has a say in it. Sometimes we disagree about it. Vehemently.

And there’s the problem. I do not know how to say something and make it have the impact I want it to have. Obviously I can’t start tossing dishes across the room. I can’t lock myself in the bedroom or pretend everyone around me is dead. Yet, my attempts to discuss it in a rational manner seem so.. ineffective. It’s feels, to me, like what I’d just said about that very important subject was given as much attention as me announcing that American Idol is my favorite television show. I know he hears me, I know he understands the words, but it seems to have no *impact*. This is The. Important. Shit. (to me). Seems like there should be something to indicate an understanding of that importance. Fireworks, or trumpets, or *something*.

You know what used to get me fireworks in past relationships? Announcing that I’m leaving. Done with the relationship, done with it all, just leave me alone and let me go. Those other men I pulled that on would stop what they were doing, come to me, BEG me not to leave and then *listen* to my Very. Important. Shit.

I try that on Master? He says okay. See ya later. Good-bye.

He simply doesn’t allow that sort of emotional manipulation. Which is a good thing, I guess. Though it sure doesn’t feel that way at the time.

Once I’ve said it, once it’s out there.. man.. things get so fucked up. I feel bound by my words, absolutely crushed that he’s not fighting to keep me. It starts the whole insecurity ball a’rollin’. He never wanted me, he’d be better off without me, if he wanted me at all, he’d try and stop me, he hates me, he hates my kids, he resents me, he’s tired of me…. and on and on and on. It takes on a life of it’s own, the original subject entirely forgotten.

I’ve done this exact same thing a couple of times now. We’ve only been together for 4 years, we still have a LOT of learning to do, a lot of growing to do. Old habits die hard. It’s not easy to accept that what worked for years and years will not work now. I even tell myself as the words start to form in my head, this isn’t going to work for you, dumbass. He doesn’t play this game. You know this. And yet the words come tumbling out anyway. Once it’s said, it can’t be un-said.

This time was made particularly difficult because the last time I went down this road, he told me he’d never do it again. The next time I threatened to leave, he was going to help me pack and send me on my way. This bullshit of using my collar and my submission as a bargaining chip is so fucked up, so ridiculous… and yet I’d tried it, again, and here we were. I’d already gone through the process and worked my way back to pulling my head out of my ass, ready to apologize and get on with life.. but there HE was, with his words from the last time hanging in the air between us.

It really was touch and go. He doesn’t say things lightly, and he doesn’t go back on his word very often. Love or no love, commitment or not, he means what he says. And really, what else could he do? The very first time he allowed me to manipulate things like that, the whole D/s concept would crumble like a house of cards.

What happened this time is that I was beginning to understand that I was losing this thing that I’d worked so hard to have, that I’d wanted for my whole life. That *I* was singlehandedly destroying us by holding so damn tightly to this one last thing to control, throwing away my marriage, my Master, my world, to keep my iron fist wrapped around this ONE thing…

So I gave it to him. It doesn’t matter what it was, not to any of you, it’s only meaningful to me and him. But I gave it to him and it was a huge step forward for me. In the right direction, for a change. I didn’t do it in the spirit of desperately trying to sway his decision, I did it because I know my reasons for squeezing it so tightly were out of fear and insecurity. Trust is not given or received in one fell swoop, it’s taken and offered in tiny spoonfuls, here and there. I was holding that last little spoonful, that last little out… and now I’m not.

It feels good. Scary, but good. Freeing. A little sad, too. That “thing” was my friend, my security blanket. Now it’s not.

But we’ve definitely turned a corner, too. Every bump in the road that you overcome is a victory.

Carrie said this not too long ago: “I wonder, sometimes, about those relationships where everything seems to be smooth all the time. My conclusion is that, for the most part, folks are lyin’. Lying to us, lying to themselves, lying to feel better about… whatever. Learning each other, living with each other, loving each other… none of that comes without some bumps along the way.

And I’ve decided I rather like my bumps.

They build character, yanno? They make us who we are, create the facets that create unique individuals. The bumps are what make us shine as couples, yanno?

The eye glazes over a smooth surface but lingers on the details of ridges and facets and… bumps.”

So yeah, one more bump. One more flaw identified, fought and conquered. One more step on the path.

You’re perfectly flawed
You’re perfectly incomplete
A work in progress
Perfection is killing me…

Perfectly Flawed. (damn good song. You should give it a listen.)

~cunt

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A Post from kaya’s Master

Hello,

kaya and I have had some difficulty with our relationship the last several days. So, to answer your questions, NO it was NO hoax or fricking April fools joke….*shakes my head*…..I think kaya and myself have more respect for the lifestyle to joke around about stuff like that.

With that stated, we are working through the issues. After much debate, we have decided to remain a couple, both in marriage and as Master/slave and as a family. We don’t have velcro collars here, so I hope and ask that you don’t think anything as such. I, for one, truly dislike drama. We all do and say stupid things in the spur of the moment and especially while arguing about certain things. I would like to apologize if this caused any bad feelings.

kaya’s gut reaction is to run away from issues and my gut reaction is to turn off my emotions and be a cold fish and face things with a whatever dude, attitude. Again, this caused issues and again issues which mostly have been resolved. The other issues we are facing will be long term issues, but shouldn’t affect our lifestyle wholeheartedly.

With this said, kaya and I are back on track and she will be able to post again soon.

Best regards,

Mok

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Seriously?

Okay. Y’all are kinda freakin’ me out with the whole woman-president thing.

PMS is a funny thing for women, don’tcha think? It’s okay, cool even in some female circles, to use it as a license to be a raving bitch once a month, up until someone points out that pms is the cause of being a bitch, at which point the voices rise up and get all defensive about NOT having pms.

Whatever. I realize not ALL women have pms. But pms affects *enough* women that it’s commonly known around the globe to be a very real syndrome with very real consequences to women’s lives.

Do I really think pms is the sole reason not to have a female president? No. Not entirely. Being a pms sufferer I *do* give it a more than a passing thought, but being that I’m not entirely ignorant, I accept that it’s not a valid reason on it’s own.

I also give thought to the fact that women, in some cultures, are not seen as equals. I do give thought to some cultures not recognizing a female president of the US as having power, I can imagine that woman not being taken seriously or given the respect that a president would need when dealing with foreign countries. But again, I also know that other countries have had female leaders and it’s been fine.

So those are two things that give me reason to hesitate with a resounding woman’s lib cry of YES! GIRL POWER!

But my main reason for not wanting a woman president is pretty simple, and entirely personal and completely based upon my own opinion, how I see the world, and more importantly, my ingrained belief in male superiority.

I’m not one of those submissive females who is subservient and also a feminist. At least, not a hardcore feminist. Nor am I submissive because I think all women should be submissive, or because the bible said so, or because I think women are weak and/or stupid.

But I DO see men as powerful. I am subservient to men in general because they represent - *to me* – superiority. Strength. Control. Power.

I do NOT see women in that light. I never have. I’m a firm believer in the old-fashioned way of doing things, of having the man be the head of the household and the little wifey quietly behind him. It’s my opinion that men are leaders and women, largely, are not.

Which is not to say that women *can’t* be. But you asked my opinion on something, and I’m giving it. In MY mind, in my world, women are not dominant, men are. Women are not powerful, men are. Women are not authority figures, men are. So would *I* want a woman as the president?

No. I would not.

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I *love* The Universe.

How can you not like messages like these every morning? Instead of a bowl of bitchflakes for breakfast, I get this:

"Be proud to know as much as you do about life, dreams and reality. Bask, Tess. It was a long climb up the stairway of enlightenment, and many a battle over false beliefs and mass consciousness have been won. You don’t have to shout from your roof to live your truth every second of every day, but don’t shy away from the ignorant; they need you. Nor be intimidated by the truly wise; they love you. And please don’t ever let self-consciousness keep you from stepping out into a world that would be unimaginably incomplete without you.

You are a vessel of light, a holy ghost, and frankly, so dang "hot."

The Universe"

I don’t care that everyone else gets the same message and I don’t care that it’s computer-generated generic stuff. Sometimes it’s really appropriate and meaningful. Like having a super-positive stalker! ;)

I mentioned to Master last night that I felt like we were losing the mojo again. He said he wasn’t, didn’t feel anything "off", so I guess it’s just me. It’s probably mostly related to the job. I like the job, don’t get me wrong, and it’s still so part-time as to be practically non-existent, it’s just that the few hours I do work are the few hours where I got most of my daily fix of being of any use- the morning hours.

That’s when I would make coffee and breakfast, do the shower routine with Master, start the car for him, and have some sort of verbal affirmation of my place in things. It might be just the tone of his voice or a pinch when he kissed me goodbye, a task assignment or a strict reminder to do some forgotten (or avoided) chore. But now I’m up and gone before anyone is even awake, at work by 5:30am, and *sigh*… I’m just missing things is all. Of course having to be up so bloody early means I’m falling asleep by 9pm so I’m missing out on the usual nighttime stuff too.

Bah. I’m filled with self-pity. *whine*

Anyway, I’m not real sure how to combat this. I hate to see it turn into a big problem. I think I’ve recognized it pretty quickly for a change and I want to fix it NOW. I think part of it might be having to step up the nighttime stuff. The leniency he extends to me because I have to be up so early may just have to stop. I would rather be a little more tired in the morning than watch things slide downhill so soon after we climbed UP this damn hill. Besides, I’m only at work for a whopping three and a half hours, if I’m that tired I could come home and take a nap!

Whatever He decides to do, it better hurt and make me cry. That’s all I got to say about that!

(bossy bitch, ain’t I? :D )

Someone asked about the kids since I haven’t talked much about them. I guess there isn’t much to say. The turmoil I’d been bracing myself for with Jes moving back was avoided because she simply didn’t stay. Nobody was surprised. Her boyfriend, her friends, her comfort zone – is not here in this house. Some kids just aren’t the type that you can guide or advise. She’s got an independent stubborn streak a mile wide and she’s bound and determined to learn things on her own, in her own way. Anything I do that doesn’t allow that for her only creates a gap between us. As long as she follows the basic rules (goes to school, no drugs, no trouble with the law), we’re all backing off and letting her do her thing.

We still talk almost every day and I’m okay with how things are at the moment. I still argue with myself over whether or not I’m doing the right thing but I’ll be damned if I know what the right thing IS.

Anyway, the dogs are glaring at me since they haven’t been for a walk yet and I’m still trying to catch up on the laundry. Did you know laundry breeds when you aren’t looking? I swear! Plus I have to go the bank, the grocery store, and sometime soon I need to scoop the winter’s worth of dog shit out of the yard. Now that the snow has melted (yay!), it’s quite appalling to look at. Ah, the glamorous life of a slave.

~cunt

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Enquiring minds want to know!

Do you ever have/long for tenderness and “making love” or is your desire for sex to have it always be rough and combined with elements of pain?

My desire for sex *always* is to have it with elements of pain or domination. Sometimes it has to be nothing more complicated than an order to keep my hands above my head and not move them, or to keep my legs spread far enough that they don’t touch him. Sometimes it’s simple nipple twisting/tweaking. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate bondage/s&m mix (though that is my preference of course!). But it’s not always Master’s preference. Sometimes he just wants to fuck without having to make it good for me. But even that is “torture” in it’s own right. ;-)

Also, how do you and Master show your love/affection for one another when not in the bedroom?

Master is very affectionate in your typical vanilla fashion. He’s quite touchy-feely, is always hugging and kissing, we never walk or drive anywhere together without holding hands. He’s a cuddler, too. We lay in bed with his arm around me, or his legs over mine. That kind of affectionate attention took a while for me to get used to. It’s nothing I’ve ever had before in a relationship, nor did I think I wanted it. But I did and now I’m just as affectionate as he is.

If your Master was to decide he no longer wished to continue the S&M part of your relationship, would you want to seek out another Master or would you be able to be content with a “vanilla” relationship?

That’s a pretty common question and one that my answer changes to depending on my current mood. Or, depending on how deep the itch is.

I do not think I would be content with a vanilla relationship. Needing the sort of interactions that we have isn’t a hobby or a weekend interest of mine. It’s part of who I am, not just my sexuality. So to say that I could be happy, or satisfied, by not having it.. I just can’t imagine that.

What I CAN imagine is not having it because he no longer wants it or because he is no longer able to provide it, and putting my own wants and needs aside in order to further HIS happiness. If he were suddenly struck ill or injured and was *unable* to be the sadist and Master that he is now, I’d still be his wife and his slave, it just wouldn’t be expressed in the physical ways that it is currently. If he no longer wanted to do this.. nothing changes the fact that our roots are in the fact that we’re married, raising a family and *want* to be together regardless of our current activities.

Whether or not I’d find another who could fulfill those s&m needs would really depend on what Master wanted. I’d not leave him, even if he chose not to be my Master anymore. If he’d allow some playtime on the side, then maybe I’d go that route. I don’t see him being okay with that though. He’s a tad possessive!

1. Do you call your Master, Master in front of your kids?

No. I call him Baby..lol. Almost always, without fail, he’s my Baby. I *rarely* use his given name as that seems far too intimate or personal (weird that, isn’t it?). On the occasion that I would normally be required to use Master or Sir, I can either mouth it over the kid’s heads or I’ll substitute Dear (as in “Yes Dear” for “Yes Sir”) which is what he’s told me to say when they are listening. We both know what I mean so it works.

2. If you were offered 100,000. dollars to give up S/m, M/s lifestyle for a year and live a totally vanilla life, would you/could you do it?

For a year? For a hundred grand? Hell yes! I lived my first 30 years without it, I think I could go another year! I’d be a bear to live with though..lol

3. Have you been to any M/s gatherings where you were on display for a large group,…anything like that?

Yes, a couple in the last 6 months. Master’s not shy when it comes to stripping me down at all. I might be mortified(!) but he’s not.

5. Is your current Master the only Master you’ve had?

Yes.

6. Favorite Dessert?

Chocolate. Anything chocolate.

7. Favorite American Idol winner?

Mostly I think the world is way wrong when it comes to the winners. Even though I hate country music, Carrie is the only winner I actually liked.

8. Do you think a woman should be president?

No. PMS would start WWIII. I know this because I start it once a month in my own house, but luckily I dont have access to nuclear weapons.

9. Do you enjoy anal sex ( enjoy the act itself, not the “submission to it)

Nope. I *used* to but the man I was with then had a tiny penis which is, I’ve decided, the key to actually enjoying the act of anal sex. Master does not have a tiny penis so every single episode of anal sex is painful, all the time, the whole time, from start to finish, no matter what, the end. And I *can* enjoy the pain but only until I orgasm which always happens too soon (because it hurts and the pain and the sex combined makes me shoot off like a champagne cork), way sooner than he is ready to come and then it just hurts after that. So.. um.. no.

10. When asked what’s the most sexually humiliating thing your Master has ever had you do, what’s the first thing that comes to mind.

I *really* don’t like it when he spreads me open and examines me like a bug under a microscope. Or, when he makes my pussy lips or asshole “talk”. WTF is *that* all about? Is it a guy thing? It’s fucking embarrassing already.

I’ve seen you mention the name Tess twice recently. I’ve been reading your blog for about a year, and I’ve never seen any mention of your real name, only his. Why isn’t it a big secret anymore?

I don’t think it ever was a secret. Hell, my email address that I had posted for contact info has my name in it (up until I recently changed my email to here). I’m not sure why I’ve used my name in a post twice. *shrug* Maybe I’m distancing myself from “cunt”? Boy, Master won’t like to read that!

Were you in a Master/slave dynamic when your children were young? How did you manage to bring them up in a D/s household, yet still keep them far far away from it? i am a slave and have a 3 year old son. Although Master and i have decided not to move in with each other, (to “protect” my son from BDSM- neither of us believe that we should tell him who to be) i am rather curious as to how it can be done. How can you show your Master that you are His without bringing attention to it? How do you get away from the kids (when they are smaller)to do scenes and such? i suppose what i am really asking is how do you keep the dynamic strong while keeping it hidden?

I was not in an M/s relationship when my kids were young. Master and I have been together for just 4 years and my kids are 16, 15 and 13. So I can’t quite answer your question.

However, I will say this though. What I think is that what kids are raised with seems normal to them. For instance, to see you behave in a subordinate role with your Master would not seem odd or strange to a child who has seen it that way all his life. So I don’t see why there should be any worry. Unless you mean to be naked and in chains 24 hours a day, I can’t see that you’re going to psychologically scar your child. After all, in most M/s households, we interact in almost identical ways to an old-fashioned marriage where the man was the Head of the Household (think Leave it to Beaver) and I don’t think all of the kids of that era are messed up, are they?

Even having seen me change from an independent and in control single parent to a submissive wife, my kids are still psychologically sound. I don’t feel like I’m molding my children’s future or choices in life simply because I choose to be submissive in my marriage. They can still base their choices on their own desires. I’m not sure what it is that you have to “protect” your son from? Nor do I see how what you do would define who he is or will be.

It can be done because you simply use common sense and you separate your fantasy from reality. I have a very specific fantasy of how I’d like to be treated and how I’d prefer to behave as a slave for Master. But I can’t do 99% of it because reality dictates that I cannot do that in front of my children. I have to be dressed, but I do not have to wear underclothes. They have no idea if I’m wearing underwear or a bra or a bra full of tacks or a metal scrunchy stuffed into my pussy, or a rope wound tightly through my slit, abrading me with each step. How could they know? I don’t strip in front of them. We have code words that mean absolutely nothing to them, but mean worlds to us. And a whole lot of service can be disguised as simple favors for the one you love. You put locks on doors and you teach manners and privacy. What goes on behind my closed bedroom door is nobody’s business (well, except for all of YOU GUYS..lol)

How does a child know that you cannot sit on the furniture unless you specifically state it? If you just say that you want to sit on the floor or that you are more comfortable on the floor, it’s only you that knows the real reason and because of that you think everyone else will know too. But they don’t, nor do they even really care where you sit.

The everyday interactions are easy to do no matter who is watching. Slipping away to do a scene is more difficult, but it’s not the scenes that define M/s in my mind anyway. Do it after the kid goes to bed, do it when the kid is at Grandmas, get a babysitter and go rent a hotel for a few hours. It can be done, you just have to make it work. Maybe someone else who reads here with small children will step in and answer this, too. Good luck! :-)

What are your thoughts about abuse survivors and BDSM or D/s play? Maybe not a nice topic, but one I’ve been mulling in my head for a while now…

My thoughts are pretty straightforward these days, though they didn’t used to be. First, I don’t think there are more abuse survivors involved in bdsm, as some people do. I think there are a lot of abuse survivors period, in all walks of life. But I do think that we tend to talk about it more. I think we tend to talk about all manners of private and intimate subjects and since abuse and bdsm are closely related, past histories of abuse are mentioned more freely. So maybe that makes it seem like bdsm’ers are mostly comprised of abuse survivors. *shrug*

I’ve long since given up trying to figure out if I would have been drawn to bdsm regardless of my history. It’s something I’ll never know. It’s also something that just doesn’t matter.

I do think it’s important that everyone examine their “whys”. I think you should know yourself and your reasons, to the best that you can know anyway. I do think it is possible to further someone’s abuse if that person, or the person in charge, isn’t aware of what’s going on in their head. I do think some people may gravitate towards bdsm as a way of trying to “control” abuse. If their thinking is something along the lines of “well, it appears that in my life I’m going to be abused in some fashion but at least bdsm offers me a way to be abused in a semi-controlled setting” but that person has no actual interest in power exchange or s&m, then I’d wonder if this is the healthiest choice for them. But if that is their choice and their reason and it works for them? More power to ya!

Everyone (most everyone) has a chosen manner of dealing with the hand life dealt them. BDSM seems to be an easy target for people who don’t do it to point the finger at as the “sick and twisted” choice. Other people drink 6 glasses of wine at night, or max out a credit card while watching the Home Shopping Network. Maybe they dip into the weed or snort the powders. Skip to the doctor’s for a bottle of valium. Why do some people *need* dinner and wining and dining and need to hear “I love you” before sex? Why is that considered the norm, and how “normal” is it anyway?

I do not hear that someone in bdsm has a past history of abuse automatically think “uh-oh, now I have to question their motives”. I know more people who had an idyllic childhood who are into bdsm. I do not think an abuse survivor who is into bdsm is continuing to be abused. Actually being in a healthy bdsm relationship can be very healing for an abuse survivor because bdsm requires so much communication and trust and intimacy that could otherwise be ignored in a vanilla relationship. BDSM almost forces someone to deal with their demons, as opposed to sweeping them under the rug. It can be exactly the medicine one needs to move beyond an abusive past.

Which leads me right into the next question..lol

If it is not too much to ask, why do you have difficulty kissing your Master?

Specifically because of my abusive past. Which seems quite at odds with what I’ve just said, eh?

I think I’m about as healed as I’m going to be from my past. I’m leaps and bounds from where I started. But, nothing is a cure-all and nothing will heal everything. And for me, kissing is, so far, beyond fixing.

Of all the things that happened to me in my formative years, the forced kissing was the worst, by far. I don’t know why that was worse than anything else, why my mind hangs on to that in such fiercely negative ways. It clearly was not the most painful, nor the most violating, nor the scariest. Kissing hardly ever makes the list of “abusive” practices. Why not the punching, why not the painful penetrations or the gang-style sexual marathons. Why not the sharing, the teasing, the interrupted nights, the pinches, the blood, the shame and humiliation? Why was I able to extract the negativity surrounding those things to find the erotic, stimulating aspect that I so enjoy now and I *can’t* do that with being kissed?

I dunno. I simply do not know. What I DO know is that kissing will send me into panic attack, flashback territory. It’s gotten worse, and not better. It’s nothing that he does and has nothing to do with him. But because he loves me and is not interested in furthering the abuse, he’s worked with me on it and we’ve developed a way that works for the both of us. Which may be as good as it’s ever going to be.

~~*~~

Unless I missed one, I have no more questions. Now what will I post!?!??

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“There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it with reluctance”

I’m a reluctant blogger. No particular reason, nothing profound or important or with hidden meaning. I just don’t wanna.

But I know I’m just about to cross the invisible line between not-in-trouble and in-trouble so being the perfectly behaved (cough) slave that I am, I figure I better babble about something.

This last weekend was the play party. On Saturday we drove down and met Lee Ann and then Carrie and Taylor from A View From the Floor for a few drinks. We have such a great time together (or at least *I* do :D ). It’s just nice to be with people who think nothing weird about how we live. It’s not even that we act any differently around other people, it’s more that I am able to shut up that incessant internal voice that is constantly wondering if other people are viewing us (Him, mostly) in a bad light. Does he appear callous or insensitive or mean or abusive because he’s dominant and bossy? Do I appear weak, stupid, incapable because I’m obedient and submissive? It’s not even that I care what other people think but shutting up those thoughts can be difficult and it’s very noticeable when we’re with people in public and my head is fucking quiet for a change.

Anyway, from the bar we went to the play party and it was every bit as enjoyable as last time. I can’t get over how wonderful I think these people are. Entirely different to any other group we’ve tried to mingle with. Master did the cuttings and if there was a raised brow, I didn’t see it or sense it. The acceptance these people offer is wonderful.

It seemed like there were scenes going on everywhere, good scenes, heavy scenes, erotic scenes… I think they should have a play party every WEEK! I’m greedy that way.

We didn’t do much. Like I said, Master did the cuttings and caned me a little bit, but I think he’s still finding where he’s comfortable in this setting. I’m patient, but only just a bit. Hard to tamp down on those infamous expectations, dontcha know.

The next day before we came home we stopped to meet kitten and her Master for lunch. I think what I like the most about meeting people that I read online is seeing how different they are compared to what I’ve built up in my head. You get that mental image of a person’s personality based on their writings and seeing how right or wrong you were is interesting. In this case, kitten was not only so much more beautiful in real life than she is in her pictures, but her Master was much more personable than I’d picked up from his posts. Seems like the men always come across as super strict and stuffy, and while they ARE strict, they’re also funny, talkative, normal people. Hopefully, we’ll hang out again. The time flew by and we had to leave sooner than we wanted.

So that was our weekend. For Easter we took the kids out to dinner and to the movies (Doomsday. Do. Not. Waste. Your. Money. Stupid stupid movie) and then yesterday I worked all day (after starting my period and with a menstrual-headache. There should be laws against such injustices.) And now today I have to play catch-up with the housework and the laundry. So I’ll leave with the rather anticlimactic picture of my freshly marked tits.

~cunt

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What’s love got to do with it?

I’ve been mentioning here and there that I want to do a post about love and I have the time right now to do it, but of course today is one of those days where my thoughts are flitting about like butterflies on crack so no promises on this making a lick of sense.

Sometimes I think love is a death sentence for M/s. It could be the only time where unrequited love is preferred. Because, at least for me, my love for HIM is necessary, something I draw on when it comes to service and submission. I could not find pleasure in half of what I do if I didn’t love him as deeply and fiercely as I do.

But his love for me, when it comes to parts and pieces of Ms/ and sadism – is like a wet blanket.

It’s a trap. A trap that he opens and I fall into, a place where we both end up spinning in circles for a time, not sure what’s holding us down until finally, one of us (me, usually) will sit up and go “Ah-ha! You’re loving me again. Loving me too much.”

What will happen is that I’ll end up with a case of the “wifies”. Girlfriend syndrome, I’ve heard it called. A time when expectations dip into romance and tenderness, when I begin to think I deserve to be treated more as an equal than a subordinate, when I assign more importance to my needs than to his, when I expect to be courted and wooed and romanced into sex and service. When I can sit on the couch, with my feet up, and ask HIM to fetch ME something.

A time when his requests are met with an eyeroll instead of a pleasant nod, when he’s answered with grunts or heavy sighs instead of “Yes Master”, a time when I stomp away, scowling, and thinking to myself, “what about ME, you selfish prick? I’m tired and I’m stressed and my head aches and.. and.. and.. etc. etc.! What makes YOU so special?”

What makes this so hard for him to see is because he loves me as deeply and fiercely as I love him. He doesn’t immediately see it for what it is. Instead, he lets the love, and the natural urge to please the one you love, override what should be the response of a Master. He responds as my husband, with gentleness and concern. He babies me, pets me.

It’s not long before we are both sitting here, scratching our heads, wondering what the hell happened to that mean old Sadist and his docile submissive.

They are buried somewhere under the heavy, wet blanket of loving husband and wife.

I know it’s not just us, either. I read and I see other long-term couples, living together, trying to make it work, slipping and sliding into the same love-trap. Clawing their way out only to slide back in without notice some few months later.

I see more who give up the fight for good. It’s easier to live as husband and wife. That’s what makes it such an easy pit to fall in to. It’s less work, the only consequence being a twinge of remembrance, a flash of want, overshadowed by a reminder of how much damn WORK it is to maintain the whole M/s thing, how you can’t take a day off, you can’t let anything slide, you have to be Johnny-on-the-spot ALL THE TIME and *sigh*…. easier to not have it.

So we fight and we fight, over and over again, to keep on keepin’ on. Less ’Scott and Tess’, more ’Master and cunt’.

But then I ask myself, “self, do you really want it any other way? Oh sure it sounds all sorts of “fun” to have that uncaring person of your fantasies ordering you about with no consideration to your feelings. But, let’s look at this honestly for a moment. Would you really want to have to suck a dick when you have a migraine? Would you truly want to be sent outside to shovel snow in the midst of the stomach flu, or pushed under the desk when you’re so tired you can’t see straight or… OR, for goodness sake, have access to watching American Idol taken away?? Worked and fucked and worked and fucked to the bone, to the very edges of your sanity? Or… is it nice to know that this person who hurts you in ways that you like (and in some ways that you dont), this man who fucks you senseless, who holds you to standards that are high but not unreachable.. this man cares about you, worries over your feelings, never wants to hurt you beyond repair, would do nothing, ever, to cause you emotional pain, consults you on matters of the heart, rubs your cheek as you cry, testing and feeling and proving that he’s not pushed you too hard, too far. Really, would you want that to change, cunt?”

No. For God’s sake, no.

If it is that there has to be a balance for us, a tightrope walk between love and sadism, and if we are prone to falling off now and then, the fact that we always, ALWAYS fall to the side of too much love gives me profound hope for our future. Because it is fact that someday, far into the future (I hope), M/s and s&m will be laid to the side – like a pair of pants we no longer fit into. Age and health will someday force us out of it. And at least I know that what we’ll be left with once stripped of those M/s clothes, is a deeply forged love, a connection proven time and time again to be our natural state.

“He loves me too much.” My chief complaint. But one I make with a smug and satisfied smile.

At least for today. Another day, I’ll be lamenting those early days of callous sadism before love was in the mix. I’ll be begging him to hate me, just a little, just for a little while, because underneath my wifely loving heart lies the soul of a masochist, starving for a plate of mean.

So, there you have it; butterfly thoughts on crack.

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“Curiosity killed the cat – but satisfaction brought it back.

1) Have you ever “ridden a horse”? Not a live one, the wooden one that tries to split your cunt open.

I have! It’s one of those things that I love to hate. I have pictures of it posted somewhere in the archives (someday I *will* go back and tag all the entries. Someday. When I have about 8 hours to spare. ;) ). I even made a new, shinier, better one a few months ago and it’s been stuck in the corner, never used, ever since. But now that you’ve so graciously reminded Master that it’s there with this wonderful question, I am *sure* that will be rectified soon! Thank you so much! :P

2) Do you engage in water play (submersion, forced hosing, etc.)?

Not yet, although it’s something he’s mentioned more than once. I expect that it’ll happen sometime. I’m not sure how I feel about it either. It’s not really the same feeling as the choking/smothering thing we do now I’ll bet. Adding in my water phobia, it could be pretty intense.

3) How does your doctor deal with your lifestyle? I can’t imagine that the “Owned Slave” scars go unnoticed during a breast exam, let alone the welts from a great night of whipping et al. It wold be nice to know that the medical community has open minded individuals who understand the difference between abuse and “aggressive” sexual play.

They do, actually. All it takes is honest, up front communication. Doctors know what s&m is, and while they may raise their eyebrows at some of the more intense forms of things, as long as you present yourself as a well-informed, consenting and confident individual, they don’t make an issue out of it. I’ve never gotten anything worse than simple curiosity from a medical professional (though I have wondered what they talk about in the break room sometimes!).

In fact, I was just at the doc’s yesterday afternoon for a pap, breast exam and general physical. I’m still sporting the healing marks from the recent whipping and there was no noticeable change in his demeanor as he examined me. Now we did hold off redoing the breast cuttings knowing this appt. was coming up. While the scars are there and still visible, there is no reason to have had it fresh and healing. Neither of us see any point in “flaunting” what we do, you know? (and there is one person I know who will be happy to hear that I had my tetanus shot updated too!) (Funny how I cringe and get all nervous when the nurse
approaches me with a needle, but when it’s Master, I’m practically salivating at the thought of being poked!).

4) You asked if anyone has stolen play ideas from you. Do you worry that a novice may get in over her head doing so?

Meh. Not really, not anymore. I’m nobody’s guidance counselor. I expect people to do their own research, to know their own body, know their partner. And as I like to say- stupid should hurt. :D

5) Have you stolen play ideas from other blogs (such as DL’s Toy)?

Oh all the time. All the time. I will often read something or see a picture and tell Master about it. At that point, if he’s interested in it, it’s filed away in his head and then when he wants to do it, he’ll modify it to suit his wants and needs. I don’t know that I’ve ever taken something *exactly* as I read it/saw it because we aren’t exactly like the people I read. Sometimes he takes whatever it is and makes it worse, sometimes he makes it lighter, sometimes it’s just the starting point for something entirely different. I have zero qualms about being a copy cat; I read some pretty interesting folks!

6) What’s your top five favorite movies of all time? and 7) What do you think are the five best movies of all time? (feel free to up the number on this and the previous if five is too small)

I’m combining these two because for me, it’s one and the same. My favorites ARE the best. :)

I Am Legend.

Breakfast Club

E.T.

Men in Black I and II

Girl, Interrupted

Beaches

War of the Worlds

Terms of Endearment

About a Boy

Schindler’s List

Se7en

Catch Me if You Can

American History X

The Count of Monte Cristo

8. Who’s your top five favotite authors (you can’t name me unless you actually go read my stuff on stories on line ;) )

Stephen King (his earlier stuff. His newer stuff is… meh.. so-so.)

Dean Koontz (I like teh horror)

John Grishom (Skipping Christmas, movie and book are awesome.)

J.K. Rowling (even though I didn’t read all the H.P books, I think what she writes, judging by the success with both children and adults, is pretty impressive)

Nicholas Sparks

9) What’s your top five favorite books of all time?

The Shining and The Stand -well hell, I’d have a whole list of Stephen King books.

The Girl in the Box

The Girl Next Door (quite disturbing, that book)

The Deep End of the Ocean

The Twilight Series

The DaVinci Code

Gone With the Wind

The Left Behind series (I started reading this years ago and got to the 6th or 7th book which was the newest publication at the time. In waiting for the newer books, I lost interest in it. Seems like when there is too long between books I forget the details and can’t be bothered anymore. But maybe now that it’s finished (I think. Is it?) I’ll start over and read the whole set.)

It’s hard for me to pick favorites. It’s just like trying to pick that favorite scene; I think the current one is the best until I get to the next one, you know?

10) Do you ever play monopoly, and if you do, who usually wins?

I haven’t played monopoly in years, since I was a kid and played with my siblings. I can tell you that I lost then. Every single time. Monopoly stressed me out, man. It’s so much pressure! All those decisions and risky chances… whew. Made me sweat. We usually play Mad Gab, or Scene It as a family. I play Chess with B-man, he’s even beat me a time or two.

The End! :D

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