Putting it in words
Putting it in words can be difficult. But melly did it rather effortlessly for me.
First, she explains how it would work in her own dynamic, which differs from mine somewhat. (okay, maybe a lot.)
"if i felt i was not being listened to, if i felt that my owner was not taking me into consideration, i f i felt i was no longer a priority, and my needs and desires were not being handled at least in some small manner, i would have a
long discussion outside the dynamic, and voice my concerns. i would ask if He had a plan, and that if He did, i wasn’t seeing it, and that i was having some serious issues. and if ultimately, i discovered there was no greater plan, that
i was simply being forgotten, or pushed aside, or made unimportant, i would leave."
Then she succinctly sums up what should be my position in our dynamic.
"on the other hand if you are maintaining that you are a slave without choice [...] you might want to consider not thinking about how to get what you feel you should be getting, and instead, figure how you are going to deal with things as they are. you need to figure out how to live with your life, and accept what you’ve got, whatever it is, whether you feel happy right now or not. you are your Master’s slave, and that is just the end of it. he will use you or not however he wishes. whatever he’s doing is of no concern to you, and moreover, you can’t do anything about it. [...]suck it up, buttercup."
And that is *exactly* where I am. I have parts of the first paragraph because, choices or not, I am a person with all manner of emotions and thoughts and such things that plague humans. In spite of the objectification process that continues on here, maybe what I need to know is, even as just an object-human, that I have value. That I’m of value and use to him. That whatever it is I am doing for service, or not doing as the case may be, is still in following with the master plan, and that it *matters* to him one way or the other. And THAT, in spite of periods of play and in spite of continued great sex, has been missing for months.
Yet, I exist under the ’rules’ of the second paragraph. A slave without choice. I can’t do anything about what he’s doing or not doing. I can’t change it or direct it and so I’ve been desperately trying to figure out HOW to deal with it in a manner that *doesn’t* make it more work for him. That doesn’t become unintentionally manipulative. I tried to find satisfaction in simple, quiet service. I tried to make housework and laundry be all that I need. But I can’t make something be what it isn’t.
I tried to convince myself that when he stopped asking for massages and foot rubs and nightly blow jobs, stopped chaining me in, stopped requesting my shower-assisting services, etc., that it was all fine, that he gets to decide on the level and purpose of service, that I don’t get to dictate what I NEED to perform as that all overrides the whole point of being in service to HIS wants, and not to mine. Yet, how do I pretend that I don’t miss them. How do I ignore that those things DO define me as a slave, that not getting to BE a slave throws everything into a tizzy. I *get* that him allowing me to do those things is his right, his choice, it’s a gift, a privilege to me. So, isn’t it logical that when he takes them away, it has all the connotations of being a punishment for an unknown transgression?
I tried to put my all into the services that he did still seem to want and expect. But they amounted to very few. And I wasn’t able to keep myself from letting the negativity fall over those as well as time went on. The thinking of, well, if he doesn’t need or want me for THAT, maybe he doesn’t want me for THIS either and I went into a roller coaster of despair and determination. One day hating the bits of service and doing a lackluster job of them and the next, trying to make them be all they could be and pouring my heart and soul into them. Only to find them unnoticed, unappreciated… unwanted.
And so.. I’ve just existed. Taking what he offered when he offered it. That’s my purpose, yes? To take what I get and make it be enough.
Which is precisely where the troubles start. How do I make it be enough, when it just isn’t?
Do I find other things? Other things that make a poor substitute for what I’m missing, a substandard fill-in that will probably only lead me down another path of failure and depression. And isn’t that a sign of losing faith, redirecting my attentions to things that I KNOW he’s not interested in or concerned about. Scheduling my time doing something else that will only further pull us away from what was once the original goal.
Or do I hang on, clinging to scraps and simply be grateful to get them.
It feels like we’re standing on the edge of something huge. It really does. But I’m not sure either of us know what it is or which way to go. One way seems to be the beginning of the end. Though it offers short-term "fixes" I sense long-term failure that way. Like slapping a Snoopy band-aid over a severed artery.
Another way means a continuation of things exactly as they are, that perhaps, maybe, if we (I) can stick it out, there is something at the end. Some bigger realization of slavery and service. Some days I think there is something, just right there, just out of reach… but if there isn’t, if I’m wrong, then continuation this way is … a very bleak thought.
But he does have an interest in making me happy. He does *want* to give me what I need – provided that it doesn’t clash with what HE ultimately wants. It’s imperative that pleasing ME does not become the focus, because how fucked up would that be?
Gah. It’s such a mess in my head.
We’re talking though. It’s all getting laid out on the table. At the very least, this has forced us to re-evaluate the goals and the process. We know that change is inevitable and there are no hard feelings toward each other for that change. It’s simply going to be a matter of figuring it all out.
*sigh* I need a cigarette. Does that craving EVER go away?
Tags: change, M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
February 29, 2008 9:34 am
I’m so glad to hear you are talking and working on finding something (a solution, maybe). I don’t think you met the cliff at all, a sharp fork in the road perhaps…
Is there any reason why he has to ask for these things? Do you try to perform them anyway as a part of ‘knowing’ what he needs and serving his desires? I know I don’t know the half of the situation, and I could be so far out of the ball park that you’re wondering what game I’m watching, but I thought I’d ask.
My Master goes through spells where he constantly asks for things and then stops. One night he sat me down and said, “Just because I don’t ask for them, doesn’t mean they aren’t nice to receive.” I still get tripped up by it because I assume he stops asking when he’s not interested in it. What he’s waiting for in my case, is the impulse to serve without direction. Something I’m still waiting for too
*hugs*
That is an excellent point. Oddly enough, this might be that he’s being overly sensitive to your needs. Sometimes my slave and I are getting in bed at night after a long day in the middle of a long week, and although we had hoped to get to bed early so we could play it’s close to midnight and we’ll have to get up in 6hrs. My first instinct at times like that is just to say, “You’re exhausted, honey, let’s just get some sleep.” I’m trying to be considerate, but it’s the worst thing I can do. All evening (hell, according to her, all day) she’s been looking forward to getting in bed with her master and giving him some attention-and here I am acting as though I haven’t been looking forward to the moment as much as she has. Worst part is, I have been! By attempting at that moment to meet her physical need for sleep, I’m ignoring her emotional need for connection. You being a little more insistent or forward might help. Life interferes if we let it-and Shay and I don’t even have kids.
And you should communicate how you’re feeling to your master. In any healthy relationship, the people involved will appropriately express their needs and do their best to meet each other’s needs. DS doesn’t change any of that; if anything, it makes it more important because the ones on the S side are so damn vulnerable. You voluntarily chose a life of slavery because you found it fulfilling.
You’re allowed to have needs. You’re a slave, not a lamp.
This is absolutely great:
“You’re a slave, not a lamp.”
~magpie
“You’re allowed to have needs. You’re a slave, not a lamp.”
I’m adding this to my favorite quotes list.
Indeed that happens here too. This is why I often make the claim that he “loves me too much”. He is too nice in the moment, when I may really be too tired or whatever, which has a long-term effect of.. well.. all sorts of icky things.
It used to be that one of my rules was to ask him every night if he wanted those things. But then he changed that and said that if he wanted them, he’d tell me.
Occasionally I will offer them, and occasionally he’ll accept the offer, but offering it now feels like I’m pushing it, or forcing it on him, you know?
Kaya,
I’ve read your posts enough to know that today’s post was coming…you two love each other madly and want a life together.
“We’re talking though. It’s all getting laid out on the table. At the very least, this has forced us to re-evaluate the goals and the process. We know that change is inevitable and there are no hard feelings toward each other for that change. It’s simply going to be a matter of figuring it all out.”
I think that things have changed with your service – ie.e him expecting/wanting less service, or is it “different” services?
Maybe this has you confused and your not quite sure what to do in place of the service – if you get involved in some other project or activities your afraid it will exclude him and you’ll create more distance and not address the issues. Thats a balance beam to do trust me, I have friends I hang out with without him around, I dont have my kids around anymore (grown up gone bye bye) and I work 40-50 hours a week at home. I find balance and I serve M as best I can and its enough but it has taken us a long time to get that balance – I dont know how long you two have been together but mix it in with his job and the kids and well just life and the BS that comes from the demands of functioning in this world and you can get all kinds of muddled up thinking.
you went looking for a job recently, didnt quite work out so well but why did you do it? did he tell you to or did you just want to see if you could fill a void? you know what, doesn’t matter how it turned out, you did it – and there is a reason we do stuff like that.
its winter, you’ll be in the fresh air soon and maybe find something to do for YOU – there is nothing wrong with enjoying something for yourself, and maybe just maybe you’ll find pleasure in it and some of that balance we all look for in our lives.
Love/hugs
Sunni
“if you get involved in some other project or activities your afraid it will exclude him and you’ll create more distance and not address the issues. ”
Exactly. That’s what we need to figure out.
And the job thing is another one of the topics of conversation on the menu. I’ll get back to you on the outcome.
Jobs.. Yes.
Master *just* let me apply for a job last week. It’s still an at home position but it’s a job. It gives me purpose outside of him and gives him more income should he want it. It’s an at home customer service position with a company that hires computer savvy people to work from their houses.
I do believe melly is my new god.
That second bit?
Yeah. I think, for me, that’s right on the money.
It exactly describes my life.
It may not be the life I went into this looking for but it’s what I’ve got and… yanno… I wouldn’t trade it.
In fact, I believe living this way feeds needs I didn’t know I had, gets to the real root of being owned in ways I wouldn’t feel if we didn’t have these truly horrible (for me) times in our relationship.
Does that make sense?
Anyhow…
Thanks for sayin’ it so well, melly.
And good luck with your talking, kaya. I know the easing of the panic and insecurity you’re feeling right now will go a long way toward settling you and helping y’all move along in whatever direction he’s leading ya.
xoxo
“It may not be the life I went into this looking for but it’s what I’ve got and… yanno… I wouldn’t trade it.”
I’d be okay with it too, if I knew that HE was happy with it.
But I don’t think he is.
So.. if neither of us are happy, what the fuck are we doing?
*sigh*
I’ll get back to you soon.
In fact, I believe living this way feeds needs I didn’t know I had, gets to the real root of being owned in ways I wouldn’t feel if we didn’t have these truly horrible (for me) times in our relationship
Carrie, you said that so perfectly for me. I have tried to explain this to people that isn’t what I thought M/s would be like but it feeds something in me too that I makes me feel owned in ways that I never would any other way.
a god?? holy cow, don’t ever say that!! *laughs*
just because i might say some things that apply doesn’t mean they haven’t come at TONS of hurt, and searching, and sometimes, at multitudes of great and soul-sucking loss. i often feel the only reason i can say even the smallest thing with a validity attache3d to is is because i have more experience in getting royally screwed than any 29 year old has right to be, and i manage to have come out of it (again, and again, and again) without dying, but instead, fighting ever harder, and being a little bit stronger.
(thank you Nietzsche.)
::In fact, I believe living this way feeds needs I didn’t know I had, gets to the real root of being owned in ways I wouldn’t feel if we didn’t have these truly horrible (for me) times in our relationship.
Does that make sense?::
i posted in my journal about what i wouldhave told you just a YEAR ago i could NEVEr have in a relationship… and it turns out, it’s exactly the same things that make this one i’m in right now work so frickin’ well for the both of us. the journey, babe. the JOURNEY is what matters. i’ve learned to stop looking for the big payoff at the end, because, what happens if i never get there? what happens if something else happens that cuts off the road a little short? things happen, and i don’t want to live my life miserably because i thought somewhere at the end fo the road i would get to see some pretty pearl. i’d rather revel in the dirt at my feet and take joy in the patterns in the dust on the wind than live for tomorrow’s gold.
learn and live for each moment, each day, each success, see each failyure as a joy, a learning, a new part of you that yo uhave discovered. that doesn’t mean give up when it gets hard. it just means take that difficulty, and feel it fully. feel the pain, the hurt, the emptiness, and learn what that is to you. learn what it means to feel that. what you can do with it. what you can’t.
i’ve learned so much about what i CANNOT change, and that just.. makes me so frickin’ FREE in what i CAN!! it’s just. ridiculously liberating to go, “nope! can’t change that, not at all, so.. what ELSE is there here?” and i never would have believed what else there is…
goodness, i’m no god.*grins* even if i believed in such, i wouldn’t put myself on par with that kind of greatness. the only time you’ll ever catch me calling myself a god is if Zul asks me, and the keymaster has already shown up… *snicker*
“ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, say YES!!!”
~melly,
a slave in His house
“Do I find other things? Other things that make a poor substitute for what I’m missing, a substandard fill-in that will probably only lead me down another path of failure and depression. And isn’t that a sign of losing faith, redirecting my attentions to things that I KNOW he’s not interested in or concerned about. Scheduling my time doing something else that will only further pull us away from what was once the original goal.”
I think that when you’re in a situation where he isn’t requiring as much of a time commitment out of you, you’re going to go crazy if you don’t find other things. I realize that our dynamics aren’t really very similar, but I go through times (like right now, for instance) where M is busy at work, and doesn’t have any tasks for me to do. That is, right now, he doesn’t need me. If I sat around waiting for orders, I would go nuts. So instead, I’m just playing on livejournal, and I’ll probably go play WoW in a bit–yes, I’m doing other things, but I’m doing other things that I can drop in a moment’s notice if he says that he needs me.
I don’t think it’s a sign of losing faith, especially if you make sure that the other things you’re doing are things that you can easily step away from–if anything, that demonstrates more faith, ie, “I have faith that He is going to need me, so I’m going to immerse myself in tasks that I can easily step away from when He does.”
This is just my opinion here, but I don’t think that doing things He isn’t interested in or doesn’t care about is necessarily bad, as long as you’re not doing them INSTEAD OF doing things that he is interested in or does care about.
The thing is–sometimes there’s going to be times where you’re not directly involved in a task, and if it would drive you nuts to be staring at a wall during those times (I’d be completely off the deep end), then go ahead and do something else. And if you say to him “May I go do x now, or is there something else you’d like me to do?” and he says “No, do x”–that’s not a personal failure on your part. It’s just his desire–that there’s nothing he wants you to do RIGHT NOW (not ever, just right now), and that it’s okay if you do something else.
Does any of that make sense?
Yes. Makes perfect sense. And those things, those temporary distractions, I already do. But it’s not enough to sustain me long-term. A day, a week even, of LJ and channel surfing is a fine distraction. 6, 7 months? And I’m about to pull my hair out.
Which is where I began talking about long-term distractions. School, work… and yet those things carry with them the potential to do more damage than good by pulling me completely away and re-scheduling my time away from his influence. So, it’s just been this whole circle of …. crap. Just crap.
*sigh*
“School, work… and yet those things carry with them the potential to do more damage than good by pulling me completely away and re-scheduling my time away from his influence. So, it’s just been this whole circle of …. crap. Just crap.”
When Master stopped needing me as much, I got terribly bored, ate a lot, gained some weight, slept a lot… Housework really doesn’t take all day if it’s all you have to do. I didn’t ask to do anything like school or work because of what you said, that it would be rescheduling my time away from Master’s wishes. It would have put me in a position to have to say “Oh, I can’t right now, Master.. I have class” *cringe*
But I asked if I could go to school and Master was reluctant at first because it would be demanding on his time (since I can’t drive) and because he didn’t want me to be unavailable to him should he desire me for any reason. After a while, he told me I could go to school and I decided to do my courses through independent study & online courses. These classes make no demands on his time. It’s all done in the free hours, I can stop any time and get back to it later (unless I’m taking an exam or test) and this has really helped because my brain isn’t turning into rot while I sit here waiting on him to require my services again. Plus, the classes do go toward my degree.
Are there things you could do at home that are more directed to pass your time?
“How do I ignore that those things DO define me as a slave, that not getting to BE a slave throws everything into a tizzy. I *get* that him allowing me to do those things is his right, his choice, it’s a gift, a privilege to me. So, isn’t it logical that when he takes them away, it has all the connotations of being a punishment for an unknown transgression?”
Kaya, I hope I won’t cause offense by commenting. That’s far from what I intend, but what you said above struck me.
If having certain services removed carries the connotation of a punishment, does it not follow that performing said services is a reward?
I won’t pretend to understand the complexities of being a slave; I am ‘just’ a bottom. But it seems to me that you’re putting yourself in the centre of this – making it about you. What if his actions are intended as neither reward nor punishment, but are focused on what he wants for himself at that moment?
I’m not suggesting that makes it any easier to for you to live with or begins to fill the void thats been left. My point is merely that it may be about HIM and not YOU.
I don’t know about your Master, but there are many men who withdraw during times of stress. That impacts sexuality, intimacy and most assuredly whatever D/s dynamic is in place (even a baby one like mine). I can’t understand what it’s like to be you, but I do know what it is to think that his actions are somehow a reflection on his feelings about me when they’re really a reaction to pressures coming from outside the relationship.
I hope this is a valley that will shortly be followed by a peak.
I agree with you completely. But that’s why I tried so hard to explain that I am in this to get *something* out of it, too. The “quid pro quo” theory. The exchange of services. An unequal exchange, yes, but an exchange nonetheless. And how to do that without turning the table so it’s serving me and not HIM is the key that we’ve got to find.
I don’t think his actions are intended as either award nor punishment. But, when first I accepted that his allowing me to perform those duties was a privilege, his now denying me them *feels* like a punishment, whether it is or not. I can’t pretend it doesn’t make me feel something, even if he didn’t intend it that way. But he is not obligated to allow me those things, regardless of how I feel about them, which is how I maintain that it is about him and what he wants. Yet, how do I communicate what it means to me if I pretend I have no reaction to not being able to serve. Does that make sense?
I dunno. It’s hard for me to sort it out yet. Soon though, I hope.
I couldn’t pretend to have no reaction to not being able to serve – just as I do a piss poor job of pretending I don’t have a reaction to diminished spankings, when things get in the way in our lives.
Of course you have feelings of loss. I don’t see how you couldn’t, slave/cunt or not.
He may not be required to allow you to have your own needs met; but while he’s your Master, he is also your love and your husband. I suspect that his romantic feelings for you factor into the equation. How could they not? He’s human and he loves you.
I am far too selfish to ever be a slave. Far too insistent that my needs be met (as well as his own). It’s not easy to find a mutually satisfying balance in a conventional relationship – adding M/s to the mix only makes it more challenging.
Stuff like this is only easily sorted in the movies. In the real world…not so much.
“*sigh* I need a cigarette. Does that craving EVER go away?”
Nah. Last night my Husband told me that he’s really been craving, and he hasn’t had a cigarette in 17 years. The hard part is recognizing that you don’t *need* a cigarette.
Cravings are desires, not needs, right? Feel free to think more globally here.
Rachel
17 years and still craving? *le sigh* I have no hope left.
i noticed, on my last trip home, that one time, when my dad and i were talking to a friend of his (the friend is still a smoker) that my dad’s hand idly went to his shirt pocket 9where His cigarettes used to be kept)
i am 29. my dad quit smoking when i was seven.
and i asked him, later, when the both of us were watching an old woman sit on the steps outside a building and puff away, “do you ever quit wanting them?”
and he was quiet for a minute, and he said, “nope. never.”
i maintain that i am a non smoker because Sir says i am. i initially stopped because it was a preference for Him, but now? the only reason i don’t have on eat the bar when i go out with friends is because He says i don’t smoke.
and as bad as it might sound? if i were to leave this house, for whatever reason, the first thing i’d do would be to go buy a pack of salems. *sigh* i miss them.
~melly,
a non-smoking slave in His house.
Me too! I would beg and borrow the money if it wasn’t pay day too! He doesn’t understand, either. He doesn’t get that they were my comfort food. When I say I want a cigarette He looks at me like I’ve grown two heads.
Dad quit when I was 12 (I’m 27) and Mom still smokes but never in the house or car. Dad tries to pretend he hasn’t had a craving since he dropped the habit, but when he puts his over shirt on, he rubs his pocket like he’s putting the pack in. If he sees you notice, he’ll rub the other one as well to make it seem like he’s smoothing the pockets down.
Kaya,
I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve had a smoke. I’ve been 3 years *counts some more* and two months without one ciggy now. It got better for me. I don’t crave them ALL the time anymore… only every so often. btw: yes I was addicted.. totally, completely… as in two packs or more daily for 20+ years. I get through the weak spots in my will by reminding myself that smoking one won’t bring satisfaction. Ten minutes later, the craving will return, ten times stronger. I simply refuse to relive my first year of quitting, which was the hardest.
yup. count me in this group. If i’m happy and sated, no problem, but as soon as boredom sets in,
CRAVING
and it’s been 9 years.
hug, k
17 years??
And here I was hoping it would become easier for my Daddy as time goes by.
“Cravings are desires, not needs, right?”
Writing this one down and sticking it on the fridge.
Kaya,
I wish I could think of something to make things “better,” what ever that might be, but I can’t. All I can do is pray that you and Him will be able to find a solution that meets both your needs. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know (unlikely, I know, but…)
Dave
Your continued presence is support enough, Dave. Thank you for sticking by me during this incredibly selfish phase.
Kaya,
I think it shows progress that the two of you are talking about this.
But honestly, all I can offer you is my support and encouragement.
I feel so silly leaving another “thinking of you” here but I guess I have to settle for it again. I wish I was as good with words as you are. I’m afraid I’m better at sending hugs and such. I’m sorry about that.
Hugs.
[...] so I can’t take the time to write about what I wanted to … so I recommend you go read this amazing pose by kaya of underhishand.com I tried to convince myself that when he stopped asking for massages and foot rubs and nightly blow [...]
Hugs and no it never goes away!!
i’ll smoke one for you sweetie
i so need to quit, but that might put me over the edge right now. *sigh*
i’m thinking of you. things between will work out the way they are supposed to. nothing easy is worth having, yanno?
i wish i had more than just words to offer.
hang in there.
hugs,
lee ann
I feel very badly for you. I know that the pain of feeling someone withdraw can be very excruciating. When someone withdraws from normal patterns it leaves a huge void and a great deal of confusion in it’s wake.
I am not even going to hazard a guess as to why this is happening. I can only tell you,from my own experience, that communication and a level head along with remembering that you love each other are the keys to resolving these issues.
Also please try and be good to yourself…beating yourself mentally never helps, although knowing your own heart and desires and communicating them effectively usually does.
You are a wonderful person. Caring, honest, forthright and beauitful both inside and out, please don’t ever forget these things.
Stay strong
I’ve been here!
*raises hand*
We went through this really rough patch, where we were both unhappy. He wasn’t getting the service he wanted in the way he wanted, and I wasn’t getting whatever it was I wanted, because he wasn’t happy.
We got to the point where we agreed that we were together because we’d spent too much energy and time on each other to simply break up. There’s too much he’s taught me for him just to say it’s over. And there’s way too much other things that we’re the only ones providing for each other. We both thought of leaving, of finding someone else to live with that would be better for us… but wanted so bad to stay together.
Then one day he said that the M/s part was over. He couldn’t do it, didn’t want to anymore and was miserable with it. He didn’t want to force me or make me or punish me. I was sick of hearing that I wasn’t following orders, sick of thinking of myself as a faliure. We were simply put broken.
I struggled with always being home too, because we are *always* home. He rarely leaves the apartment and I simply shop, otherwise I’m home. I wanted something to do outside of home, because that would distract me from the things I wasn’t (am not) getting – S/M play, control, things like that.
I looked for activities, but…. I never went for anything because it all demands I be away from him and it demands routine of kinds we just don’t do and would have been downright harmful to introduce to his life. So I looked around and dug myself down into cleaning. I focused everything on serving and getting to know all of his body language and what he liked when. I just wanted him to be happy, because I figured if he was happy, that would make me happy and perhaps even eventually get me the things I needed.
Thing is, he doesn’t want to provide me with things I need, but do not want. His happiness is also dependent on me being happy. So I need to make those things I don’t want but need into things I want. And I need to make myself happy.
I sing silly songs, do stupid things, dance, watch funny movies and dig myself down into service and cleaning in particular.
It’s not the best yet, but after two and a half months… it’s getting better. He even wanted to play (didn’t work out – but he wanted to!) and I’ve gotten loads more sex of late. Say what you like about sex and S/M, and how they aren’t supposed to be what we’re in this for… but without them, I’m not happy. I need to get raped (which ever term you wish to use for concensual non-consent rough sex), I need pain, I need… you know. I don’t get it a lot, so every bit counts. (I’m also not allowed to hurt myself…)
I’ve begun to convert what he does into domination in my head. For example “Does not punish me and doesn’t allow self-punishment” is him dominating me by not providing what I want – punishment. He wont ever control me the way I want him to, he wont ever punish me and we might never reach the levels of S/M I’d like us too, but I’ve chosen to simply suck up and shut up on those points, because there’s so much more he gives me.
I dunno what to say more than that… It’s possible to get through it, I guess I mean. We’re not all well yet, but we’re getting there. Slowly. Consistant service from me was our way out and the only way I had to *do* something…
Just…
*hugs*
I wish I had something wonderful to say that would make it all make perfect sense for you and give you something to go back to S with… Something beautiful and healing that would fix it all the second you repeated it to him and it would be smooth sailing until the ends of forever. Unfortunately, I got nothing
My only suggestion is for both of you to be stubborn. Don’t allow the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness lead you to quitting or giving up. If this is the bottom, the extent of what you both can take, stop digging and start climbing. And if one gets to the top before the other, don’t throw dirt, throw a rope and pull them out. Then fill the hole so you don’t stumble on it again.
I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. I hope things get better.
Hmm. *Nods*
We’ve been having quite vanilla sex of late. I’ve talked to him about it, but I DO miss slave stuff. *Sigh*
-Songs
We pretty much stopped scening or doing anything BDSM-ish about 5 months ago. I’ve learned that he takes it in cycles. We have sex sometimes, but it’s dreadfully vanilla and not at all satsifying for me, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s about his needs and sometimes his needs don’t really include my orgasm or even enjoyment of the act and that’s OK. Right now, he doesn’t even want me to cook most nights. But this is him. These are his cycles. He’ll just stop requesting my services for months and months and then eventually, it comes back around and he wants me again. At first, I would examine everything, is it me? does he not find me attractive anymore? Did I do something? Am I not pleasing?? but then I figured out that it’s none of that.. he just cycles and that’s it. We’ve been together for nearly 8 years as Master and slave and in that time I’ve seen a lot of cycles. One cycle lasted nearly 2 years and I thought it was going to ruin us.
But it didn’t.
During the ‘off cycles’ it can feel like I don’t even really *have* a Master. I mean I know that I do intellectually, but it doesn’t *feel* like I do emotionally and that’s probably the hardest thing for me because as a slave, I kind of need to feel it because his Mastery of me is my compass. It reminds me of which way I’m headed and who I am and when he gets so “hands off” with me, I really start to lose touch with myself, I get willful and mouthy, I start feeling like I have rights and that my opinions really have more than the weight he gives them and I start to resent those feelings because I don’t want them. And I probably resent him a little for not keeping them in check, then I feel guilty for resenting him and it just becomes a spiral if I let it and I’m always desperately looking for ways not to let it.
Kitten
It’s not a selfish phase and for god sakes, communication is the foundation of D/s isn’t it? To me it is. Well, here i am, about to be a mother hen to the Queen: don’t smoke!! It goes away. i see you (and about 3 dozen other people) roll your eyes at me.
Don’t smoke. It’s a waste of money and time.
You know what, i was there. We were all there and at some point, everyone will be there. Exactly where you’re writing from. There are so many lines of perspectives and words here… it’s amazing, really. And at the end of the day, everything falls between the words exchanged between your Master and you. You will find the right way for you both. This i am confident of, even if it means all of this BDSM stuff taking a back seat… you two have love, respect, and adoration for one another… that’s the good stuff
)
[ps. what the eff happened to me helping you with the adsense thing? i have another idea. Seems i forgot to tell you about it. Whoops. Didn't know you were looking for other things to do... should i have? *blush* Don't i feel stupid as that info was during my "own" selfish phase...]
love to you!
Sometimes we get so involved in all the small things, we forget the big. I do it all the time. I can’t seem to focus beyond what I think is wrong, or missing, or whatever. I blow things completely out of proportion to what it actually is by my own actions. I am truly, my own worst enemy at that time.
I can’t point fingers at you and say “this is you!” but what are the big things here? In the long run, this will have blown over and it will be laughed at, or eyes rolled at or something. Six or seven months seems like a long time to go through something, until you look back on it five years past.
The big thing here to me, (and I honestly am speaking outta my ass here, because I do not live your life) is that you are together, in love. Sure, love can’t beat your ass or pay the bills, but it sure can help a lot about other things.
In childbirth, I had to take the pains one at a time. I couldn’t think about 5 hours down the road or I would have slit my wrists. So, what if you do that for each day. Don’t look back on past days and pine for them, and don’t plan the future, either. Just take it one day at a time – to use a cliche. When going through something incredibly hard to go through, I do say “in five years, I’ll laugh at this” and it does help me.
In the meantime – what I did about stop smoking – is promise myself I can start up again when I’m 80. I’ll only have about 5 years to enjoy them before I die, but I should beat the health risks that way =P
That cigarette thing? I don’t know if it ever goes away. I quit 14 or 15 years ago, and still describe myself as being one cigarette away from again being a pack a day smoker.
Everyone who’s commented before me has said a lot of smart, insightful things, so I won’t add to it except to say that it’s clear how much you both love one another, and I know you’ll work it out, even if there are some stumbling blocks along the way. Have strength!
So spell out your alternative. Write the personal ad you would run, looking for another owner. Because seriously, do you not think that would be one of the first things you’d do? I’d love to see what it would say. Been there, done that.
wow….I remember Leesa wrote about this quite some time ago…..just wow….yeah! I need to do that. I’m not so sure i have the balls to show it to him though.
From here, it sounds like your master is depressed. The most obvious symptom is chronic poor sleep. Is he sleeping well?
Check out http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/. It seems to be a cycle where poor sleep causes ruminating thoughts during the day which causes poor sleep the next night.