Putting it in words can be difficult. But melly did it rather effortlessly for me.
First, she explains how it would work in her own dynamic, which differs from mine somewhat. (okay, maybe a lot.)
"if i felt i was not being listened to, if i felt that my owner was not taking me into consideration, i f i felt i was no longer a priority, and my needs and desires were not being handled at least in some small manner, i would have a
long discussion outside the dynamic, and voice my concerns. i would ask if He had a plan, and that if He did, i wasn’t seeing it, and that i was having some serious issues. and if ultimately, i discovered there was no greater plan, that
i was simply being forgotten, or pushed aside, or made unimportant, i would leave."
Then she succinctly sums up what should be my position in our dynamic.
"on the other hand if you are maintaining that you are a slave without choice [...] you might want to consider not thinking about how to get what you feel you should be getting, and instead, figure how you are going to deal with things as they are. you need to figure out how to live with your life, and accept what you’ve got, whatever it is, whether you feel happy right now or not. you are your Master’s slave, and that is just the end of it. he will use you or not however he wishes. whatever he’s doing is of no concern to you, and moreover, you can’t do anything about it. [...]suck it up, buttercup."
And that is *exactly* where I am. I have parts of the first paragraph because, choices or not, I am a person with all manner of emotions and thoughts and such things that plague humans. In spite of the objectification process that continues on here, maybe what I need to know is, even as just an object-human, that I have value. That I’m of value and use to him. That whatever it is I am doing for service, or not doing as the case may be, is still in following with the master plan, and that it *matters* to him one way or the other. And THAT, in spite of periods of play and in spite of continued great sex, has been missing for months.
Yet, I exist under the ’rules’ of the second paragraph. A slave without choice. I can’t do anything about what he’s doing or not doing. I can’t change it or direct it and so I’ve been desperately trying to figure out HOW to deal with it in a manner that *doesn’t* make it more work for him. That doesn’t become unintentionally manipulative. I tried to find satisfaction in simple, quiet service. I tried to make housework and laundry be all that I need. But I can’t make something be what it isn’t.
I tried to convince myself that when he stopped asking for massages and foot rubs and nightly blow jobs, stopped chaining me in, stopped requesting my shower-assisting services, etc., that it was all fine, that he gets to decide on the level and purpose of service, that I don’t get to dictate what I NEED to perform as that all overrides the whole point of being in service to HIS wants, and not to mine. Yet, how do I pretend that I don’t miss them. How do I ignore that those things DO define me as a slave, that not getting to BE a slave throws everything into a tizzy. I *get* that him allowing me to do those things is his right, his choice, it’s a gift, a privilege to me. So, isn’t it logical that when he takes them away, it has all the connotations of being a punishment for an unknown transgression?
I tried to put my all into the services that he did still seem to want and expect. But they amounted to very few. And I wasn’t able to keep myself from letting the negativity fall over those as well as time went on. The thinking of, well, if he doesn’t need or want me for THAT, maybe he doesn’t want me for THIS either and I went into a roller coaster of despair and determination. One day hating the bits of service and doing a lackluster job of them and the next, trying to make them be all they could be and pouring my heart and soul into them. Only to find them unnoticed, unappreciated… unwanted.
And so.. I’ve just existed. Taking what he offered when he offered it. That’s my purpose, yes? To take what I get and make it be enough.
Which is precisely where the troubles start. How do I make it be enough, when it just isn’t?
Do I find other things? Other things that make a poor substitute for what I’m missing, a substandard fill-in that will probably only lead me down another path of failure and depression. And isn’t that a sign of losing faith, redirecting my attentions to things that I KNOW he’s not interested in or concerned about. Scheduling my time doing something else that will only further pull us away from what was once the original goal.
Or do I hang on, clinging to scraps and simply be grateful to get them.
It feels like we’re standing on the edge of something huge. It really does. But I’m not sure either of us know what it is or which way to go. One way seems to be the beginning of the end. Though it offers short-term "fixes" I sense long-term failure that way. Like slapping a Snoopy band-aid over a severed artery.
Another way means a continuation of things exactly as they are, that perhaps, maybe, if we (I) can stick it out, there is something at the end. Some bigger realization of slavery and service. Some days I think there is something, just right there, just out of reach… but if there isn’t, if I’m wrong, then continuation this way is … a very bleak thought.
But he does have an interest in making me happy. He does *want* to give me what I need – provided that it doesn’t clash with what HE ultimately wants. It’s imperative that pleasing ME does not become the focus, because how fucked up would that be?
Gah. It’s such a mess in my head.
We’re talking though. It’s all getting laid out on the table. At the very least, this has forced us to re-evaluate the goals and the process. We know that change is inevitable and there are no hard feelings toward each other for that change. It’s simply going to be a matter of figuring it all out.
*sigh* I need a cigarette. Does that craving EVER go away?