Best. Play party. Ever.

Hands down, the best party we’ve ever been to. What a wonderful group these folks are! I’m normally pretty reserved with new people but I felt so at ease and so accepted. Very cool.

We got to meet Carrie and Taylor, which was freaking awesome. I love them so much. God, is she ever beautiful.

We watched a pretty intense scene between the two of them that had me turned on, enthralled and cowering against Master’s leg all at the same time. I won’t spill any details cuz I’m sure she’ll have something to say about it, but wow. Wow. It’s not very often that you get to see that type of mindfuckery and it was just amazing to watch the two of them together.

At one point in the midst of their scene, Master leaned down and asked me if I was crying. I wasn’t, but I easily could have been. Even though I engage in and understand the s&m process, I am not a sadist in any way, shape, or form. My inclination upon seeing someone I like “suffering” is to console and comfort. I have to remind myself that they want this treatment. I would seriously suck at being a “helper” in a scene.

Anyhow, I’m still all giddy about it and I can’t get the image of her out of my head. I can’t wait until she posts about it.

We played for a real quick bit at the end of the night. Master was sick and getting sicker as the night wore on, so it was a short bit of whacking. It was enough. I was pretty stoked just by the whole night in general so I didn’t need much. Couple of bruises, I’m good to go!

After the last few weeks of feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, the acceptance that these people offered was really comforting. But I’ll have more on that in another post.

In the meantime, have some pictures! Master had to show off the evils of the misery stick (which I generously offered to give to anyone who wanted it but there were no-takers) and the whip and the lexan cane (which I also hate and would like to “accidentally” lose). It was all of maybe 15 minutes of scene time but I still felt like I’d been through the wringer.

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rayne’s view

In the comments on the Opinion’s post , rayne, of Insatiable Desire said this:

In a Master/slave relationship? The burden lies with the slave. A master is free to do pretty much whatever the hell he wants. Including waffle. Before, during and after training. Granted it’s probably better to be consistent and not always give in at least in the beginning while building the foundation of the slave’s training, he really doesn’t have to. It’s the master’s responsibility to train the slave in the way most pleasing to him. It is her responsibility to remain in her place.

I admit I don’t like to hear that. Because then I have to fix myself instead of pointing to Master and saying “YOU are doing it wrong.”

And who wants to see their own faults? Not me.

But we have been exactly right there. EXACTLY in that spot with me having to stop the finger pointing. Or, to have Master take my pointing little finger, turn it around, and tap it gently (or not so gently) against my breastbone.

That happens about once a month or so. ;-)

I have said to Master, in many repeated conversations, that yes of course he has the right to do “this” however he wants to. In whatever manner pleases him. He can be a hardass or a waffler, he can ignore me or use me or.. whatever. It is not my place to dictate the details.

But. For every action, or non-action on his part, there is a reaction on my part.

How could there NOT be? How can I claim to be so in tune with him, so deeply and psychologically affected by him, and then maintain myself so strictly and stoically apart from whatever it is that he is doing?

It seems simple cause and effect. A lackluster Master gets a lackluster slave. An attentive Master gets an attentive slave. A waffling Master gets a waffling slave. A strict Master gets a well-behaved slave. I mean, isn’t the whole point that the Master *creates* the type of slave that he desires? How does that happen if I essentially ignore his input and do it my way the whole time?

If my inclination is to be a submissive and my job is to submit, and I can maintain that strict submission regardless of the input that he’s putting in? I simply do NOT see how I would be expected to react so easily and so strongly TO his input. He doesn’t want me to be doing things on my own, in any fashion. So is one expected to maintain themselves while still fostering that insane independence?

I think, maybe, if I’m understanding rayne’s comment, you take an established M/s relationship where the expectations are clear and at certain times, life interferes in some way or another. At that point, and in MY relationship, the burden falls on the slave. I know my rules, I know what’s expected of me, so if there are deliberate failings, then yeah, my fault. I fucked up.

If he excuses it, or ignores it, or worse, approves of my “fuck up”, then he is also at fault. That in no way lessens my mistake, don’t get me wrong. I think it just then becomes a dual, and equally shared, fuck up. Which, if not nipped in the bud, becomes a self-destructive pattern.

It wouldn’t be as cut and dried as me saying “Oh lookie. I made a mistake. What are YOU going to do about it?” But maybe I do think it should be HIM saying “Look. You made a mistake. What are YOU going to do about it, and what am I going to do to make sure you don’t make this same mistake tomorrow?”

But even then, that all depends on what kind of slave the Master wants. I do agree that a Master is not *obligated* to do a damn thing for his property. Nothing at all. I am not part of the crowd that feels a Master has a duty to care for and nurture his slave. But I do think his input and intention directly influences the outcome. As it should.

How can someone say that they are only influenced by the good stuff and not the bad? I’m not sure I get that. Someone will say that they respond to this type of training or that they listen and take to heart when he does or says this and they are shaped by that input.. and then not listen or take to heart when it takes a turn for the worse? How does that happen?

~cunt

(I feel like I need to add in here that I’m only taking the comment and expanding my thoughts on it. She may very well have meant everything that I’m ‘adding’ or she may not have. I was just using it as a starting point to a further thought process. I love rayne. and you should too. go read her. :D )

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Make up your own title. I’m too lazy.

I can’t top last year’s Valentine’s Day post and since I still feel the same way, I’ll just be lazy and link to it. :-)

I’ve been thinking on the comments that are still coming in on the last post. MJ’s slave said that I have the best discussions, but the truth is, without all of you taking the time to comment and participate, I’d just be talking to the wall. So thank you for speaking up.

It can be hard for me to reply to the comments all the time. I don’t think I need to explain all about time and chores and other responsibilities and such. We all understand that life isn’t lived here at the monitor (cuz if I did, my ass would be blistered. Which, really, is awfully tempting considering the current dry spell. Oh resist the temptation, self. Master is not appreciative of that sort of manipulation!)

Anyway, so one of the things that I really love about all of you is that you don’t wait for me to carry on the discussion. You respond to other comments and you seem to be wonderfully polite in disagreeing when you need to. Most of you don’t seem to mind that you’re using “my place” to talk without me. I love that. Sometimes, especially on LJ, I’d get a comment apologizing for monopolizing “my place” to carry on a comment-discussion, but I never cared about it. I always read, and even if I can’t participate, I still feel involved just by reading.

So! Since I can’t give each comment it’s proper reply, I’m going to pull some stuff out here that I think bears further thought. It all deserves more attention but take that up with the Boss Man. Y’all are far enough away that you can do that in relative safety. ;)

Admittedly without all of the background information on a couple, it’s impossible to make a determined judgment on the questions I asked. I agree that for some, it is simply going to be a matter of time and experience, and that in the initial stages of just getting your feet wet with the whole D/s dynamic, mistakes will pile upon mistakes. I think those of us who make it out on the other side expect those mistakes to happen and don’t see a mistake as the closing chapter. When it merely becomes another learning opportunity, your chances for success rise exponentially.

Maybe it just comes with age or wisdom, the realization that nothing in life is easy, and if you want something bad enough, you fight for it. I do think that Doms and subs alike step into this relationship with stars in their eyes, and visions of floggers and blow jobs dancing in their heads, find out that it rarely works that way, or if it does it’s accompanied by many periods of crap, give up and move on to the next “my O/one” who sounds so perfect on MSN, only to find the exact same problems following them from relationship to relationship.

The grass may always look greener on the other side, but those of us who fell for that generally found out that it’s only greener because it has shit smeared in it.

Though that in itself can be a tight line to walk too. At exactly what point DO you give up on a relationship that is not meeting your needs?

Some days, I am so incredibly grateful to have Master.

I’m getting sidetracked.

One comment contained a quote from luna_lux that made me think. She said: “i read something a while ago about the difference between “agreement” and “submission”. if i agree that everything that’s done to me is erotic and comfortable and makes me happy, then i am not submitting, i am *agreeing* to obey. i submit when i comply and obey and am forced to do things that i am not in agreement with. ”

That’s probably why there is a trend among submissives to begin to feel un-owned. To think that the leash has been let go when in truth nothing has changed. When the rules become commonplace and the service is routine and the play is repetitive… what was once edgy becomes standard.

ADL’s. Activities of Daily Living: The things we normally do in daily living including any daily activity we perform for self-care (such as feeding ourselves, bathing, dressing, grooming), work, homemaking, and leisure. The ability or inability to perform ADLs can be used as a very practical measure of ability/disability in many disorders. (from MedTerms.com)

ADS’s. Activities of Daily Submission: The things we normally do in daily living, including any daily activity we perform in service or worship (such as sexual favors, s&m participation, maid duties, serving) for our Owners. The ability or inability to perform ADS’s can be used as a practical measure of contentment/happiness in many submissives. (from me)

How often, and how quickly, do those ADS’s become that “agreeable, erotic, comfortable and make me happy” routine that fails to stimulate the submissive’s nature. The need and hunger and ache that attracted a submissive to submission in the first place? And how hard do they then start begging, asking and pushing for more? Desperate to feel this: “i submit when i comply and obey and am forced to do things that i am not in agreement with.”

Desperate to feel submission, and not simple agreement.

And how hard will a Dom fight that? Fighting the ever-popular ‘topping from the bottom’, resistant to giving a submissive what feeds her. Determined not to be manipulated or led or coerced into changing the rules he likes, unwilling to up the ante purely for the submissive’s sake.

Or maybe he is willing to placate her desires and lays down things he cares nothing about. A quick fix for a big problem, a rule list that not even SuperDom could police. The submissive becomes another full time job that he can’t keep up with, and worse, his disinterest creates doubt and fear in her, making the “reward” that he should get a non-existent prize.

What a negative and vicious cycle that is. And neither of them with any ill-intent at all, I’d bet. I can confidently say that because I’ve been in it. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

What’s the answer? Fuck if I know. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe it is always this ever-changing cycle that sometimes feeds itself and sometimes feeds on you and sometimes starves away to nothingness. Maybe it is a forever quest for answers that don’t exist.

I know that I am currently in a period of “everything that’s done to me is erotic and comfortable and makes me happy”. I know that it’s wearing thin. I know that Master, currently, is pretty happy with this easy sort of submission and quiet service. I know that he does not expect, nor will he tolerate, any antics on my part to raise the bar. I know that I’m beginning to feel… empty and colorless.

I guess in some sick and twisted way, this comfortable and happy submission will turn hateful and black and difficult, which should then fit the bill of “submission” based on the definition of it being “forced to do things that i am not in agreement with”.

Except, no matter how much one tries, it never seems to work that way, does it?

*sigh*

This was so NOT what I set out to post. I had every intention of highlighting pieces of the previous comments that I wanted to discuss more, and instead I went off on a tangent. Now time is running out and I can’t even finish one thought at all.

Bah.

Well, maybe tomorrow.

~cunt

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Opinions?

So… I have a question.

Let’s say you have a Dom and a sub. (not us, and not anyone I read regularly. this is just a process of thought after reading a message board posting a few days ago.)

The Dom is a “waffler”. Waffler is my term for someone who, well, who ‘waffles’; on rules, tasks, chores.. whatever. They’re easily talked out of a punishment or cave in to the sub’s arguments. You know what I mean, right?

Good.

Actually I’m going to turn this into two questions.

The first question is this: Which of the two has the burden of responsibility to fix that? Does the Dom need to “step up” and behave like a dominant or is the sub in the wrong for trying to negotiate/weasel in the first place?

Logically, it’s both, right? Both people need to step into their “roles”. But, gosh, I’m always one to look to the Dom for fixing the wrongs in a D/s relationship. Of course the sub can, and should, actually BE submissive, but if the Dom consistently waffles, is the sub fighting a losing battle anyway?

Which brings up the next question.

If a Dom *does* consistently waffle, or is just lazy about the act of dominance, if it’s easier to give in than to stand strong, or whatever… do you think the Dom is hiding, or in denial about, a submissive nature?

A submissive in Dom’s clothing.

That kinda makes sense to me, when this sort of interaction is more the norm in a relationship than not. That the two in question need to switch roles. It’s almost as if they’re denying their true inclinations, because, doesn’t it seem like submissive behavior if the Dom constantly caves in to the submissive’s prettied-up demands?

Or, maybe it’s just become habit, or tiresome, for the Dom to always have to fight to get that submission. I can see that too. But that defeatist attitude isn’t very domly-like either. That’s submitting to your submissive.

Hm.

Whatcha think?

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And the beat goes on…

Or at least I imagine it is for somebody. There is precious little beating going on here.

But I’m not driving so I’ll “suffer” through it like a good little soldier.

~~*~~

I’ve discovered that the key to not caring about being “bashed” online is to consider the source. There are very few people that I’ve come to respect (in as much as one CAN come to respect a person through a blog), and even more that I don’t respect. So when someone whose own life is incredibly fucked up makes statements about my life? Um… yeah. Carry on with your bad self. Things here are Normal Norman Rockwell compared to you.

~~*~~

I think the kids are in winter hybernation mode. They absolutely do not ever go anywhere anymore. This makes it difficult to engage in anything dark and dirty. But maybe Master and I are in hybernation mode too. I’m not sure either of us really *want* to engage in anything dark and dirty. We’re much more apt to snuggle in bed and watch a movie than anything else.

Not that I mind that at all. There is more to us than kink! Besides, if we’re supposed perverts then isn’t engaging in vanilla stuff the real kink? Varying from the norm and all that jazz.

~~*~~

It’s too bloody cold to even think kink anyway. Negative temps, wind, snow.. bah. Who wants to get naked when it’s -24 outside?? Sooo ready for spring. This has been the worst winter that I can recall in a long, long time.

This weather makes trying to housebreak a dog extremely unpleasant, too.

~~*~~

Yesterday was Am’s birthday. She wanted to go shopping at the mall, so off we went. She’s such a clothing junkie. Typical teenager I guess. I like shopping with her. She’s fun. It was a good time.

We’re just finishing up a remodelling project in her room. Remember that red and gold gaudy monstrosity I did in her room a few years ago? She finally matured out of that. Last time all I did was slap some paint on the walls, this time, we (and by ‘we’ I mean Master) did it right. New carpet, new outlets and lights, new furniture. It really looks nice, the color scheme turned out great. I had doubted her choices of lime green paint with black & white accents, but I have to admit that it looks really nice all put together. More grown up.

So then she dyed her hair blond with pink stripes. Meh. Can’t grow up TOO fast. ;)

~~*~~

We’ve been talking about me getting a job a lot. It’s not about the bills, or about me needing to work… but more about him getting full use out of me. He’s kinda stoked on having been successful with things so far so he’s seeing what else he can make me do.

But he wants it done without compromising what he already gets out of me. Should be interesting to see how this turns out.

It’s ridiculous to say that he doesn’t want more money. Besides Mr. Trump, who says that? But the clips4sale site and the kinky crafts aren’t doing all that badly either. So I think he’s already making money off my ass! Maybe he’s getting greedy, eh? :D

I guess he gets to be. That’s one of the perks of being The Boss.

Anyway, it’s an experiment to see what happens. Can he make me a “cash slave” without losing any of his sex and laundry and maid slave?

He’s laid down some guidelines about it, listed what it is that he’s not going to risk merely to get a few extra bucks. So the search for now is in doing things at home. In a couple of weeks he’s taking me to the local community college and we’re going to see about classes that will give me the skills I need to work at home. I’m pretty excited about it. I’ll be able to be useful in a monetary way without being absent. There is a whole lot that can be lost merely by not being at his beck and call 24 hours a day. To have him say that he’s not willing to give that up for a dollar or two is pretty comforting. Damn near makes a cunt feel special. ;)

In fact, what he said was “so I can pull you out of the cage when I feel like having you make some money.”

*twitch*

Plus I think this is a great opportunity to take some classes that will improve my service skills if he’s agreeable to it. A cooking class or maybe a masseuse course or two would not be a waste of time or money (in my opinion). I’ll not *only* be pulled out for sexual use so why not learn it while I’m still allowed “out”?

~~*~~

Anyway. That’s the “master plan” so far. Ta-fucking-da.

~cunt

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Is nothing sacred around here??!?

I’ll just be over here.. hiding under this rock. Never coming out again.

*blush*

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Brain Dump.

(This is more to clear my head than for anything else. If you read it be warned that it’s pretty scattered and psychotic.)

I actually had an interview. It was crazy. It took me weeks to get an application in to the place, I drove around the building (it’s a nursing home) about 3 or 4 times before giving up and going home in tears. I absolutely could not make myself go in. I was terrified, shaking, the whole bit. I ended up finding a website for the place and filling out a “job inquiry” form online. A few days later, they called. The experience that I listed qualified me for something. Not the job I normally do since I’m all expired and stuff, but something like it.

It’s a community outreach program for the elderly. Those inbetween needing nursing home care and being independent. It would involve going to their homes and cooking/cleaning, helping them with bathing. And there is an adult daycare center that I would have worked at… drove them to and from Dr. appt’s. That sort of thing.

Anyway, they called and asked me to come in for an interview.. and I did. It went okay, I was relatively normal. But I could feel the panic right there at the edge.. and I froze on some of the questions. My mind would go completely blank, you know? And I would just stare at the lady, unable to answer… getting more and more panicky. It was crazy!

The answers I kept thinking of when she would ask me a question were like.. things that had to do with slavery. Answers that I would give to Master if HE were asking me what my weaknesses were or what my strengths were, or what part of this “job” do I like/hate the most. And then I couldn’t concentrate and think of an appropriate answer to her question.

I really felt like the biggest fucking loser ever.

So anyway.. the interview ended but before she could offer me the job, there was some information that I was missing. She told me to get that stuff back to her and we’d “see from there”.

I never got the information back to her. I don’t think I could step foot back in that place.

Some days I feel really brave and I try and psych myself up for getting back out there in society. I just tell myself I’m going to get back in school and get a job and be normal and be that person that I used to be. I used to be independent! I had a job and a house and a car and I did it all on my own. I know what I (was) capable of!

And I know this is what Master is wanting from me right now. To be a second source of income. This is a service that he wants, that he’s asking for.. and that’s the biggest reason that I can’t shake the “failure! failure! failure! failure!” blinking banner in my head. And the biggest reason that I’ve pulled into myself and am.. somewhere.. not focused on slavery or service or sex or anything. That feeling of being a failure at one thing has turned me into the biggest failure – at everything.

But most days… the thought of being “out there” reduces me to tears. Tears of fear.. of shame.. of worry. Panic. I just feel like I’m drifting through the days. Waiting for… I don’t even know what. Courage or death.

So that’s where that stands. What’s going to happen remains to be seen.

There is the process of brainwashing.. which is very real. And there is the idea that part of making someone believe that they can’t leave is by eliminating the means, both the financial means and the emotional strength to do so. This all speaks to the internal enslavement stuff that I so often blather on about.

There is no doubt in my mind that that is exactly what’s going on here. Only it’s not about leaving, as in leaving the relationship because of course I don’t want that. But even if I did, the option of leaving would necessitate that I am able to take care of myself. And I am not. Not now. Not now that he’s had his hands dabbling in my psyche so deeply and for so long.

It’s the deprogramming of myself. My confidence, my abilities, my social skills. While he’s improved me in many ways, ways that soley benefit him, he’s destroyed other things, other strengths that I once possessed. Of course now it feels like I don’t possess any skills whatsoever.. but I’m sure that’s the drama queen in me, running amok.

So.. I just don’t know. I’m not sure which direction he’s going to push me in.

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Valentine’s Day Specials

From Extreme Restraints, one of my favorite shopping stops.

Feather Rose Ticklers.

Red Vinyl Dress. (Now that’s sexy!)

Starter BDSM Bag. I thought this was kind of neat and it’s a pretty good deal for what you get.

Valentines Extreme Package. Awesome price for 3 great toys!

Bed of Roses Romance Kit. Even I like a little romance now and then. ;-)

The Hearts Afire Gift Bag.

You can order all the way up until the 11th and still receive your order in time for Valentine’s Day. And, I believe you’ll get an additional 15% off of the Valentine merchandise! Can’t beat these deals!

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Pleasure Slave

I’ve decided to ask for a promotion. I’d like to be a pleasure slave.. and not so much of the drudgery fetch-me-shit slave.

I want to be a pretty pretty princess and be a slave to Master’s credit card.

I want to lounge on an inflatable raft in the pool, a slave to the sun.

I want to shake my pert little butt on his lap and entice him into some serious fucking that starts with foreplay and ends when I’ve had my fill of orgasms.

I want to look cute when I pout, with my lip all stuck out and my eyes filling up with crocodile tears and have him say “awww! never you mind about those undone chores! C’mere, cutey-pie!”

I want fuzzy handcuffs and rabbit fur paddles and adjustable nipple clamps – that I adjust!

And when I’m all snuggled naked in bed, curled up under the electric blanket, just about to drift off.. and he says “cunt, I’m hungry” - I’m going to kick the newly hired drudgery fetch-me-shit slave off her dog mat and send HER upstairs to re-heat the leftover lasagna!

Hmmph.

~cunt

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“Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.”

It wasn’t my best performance. Perhaps I was too eager. Look at it though. Can I be blamed for wanting to devour it?

There were two (TWO. Count ‘em. TWO!) warnings to watch my teeth. (Oh the shame!)

The discussion of tooth removal is going to be revisited I think.

I’m not at all opposed to the idea actually. Eating is highly overrated. ;)

Perhaps the sight of a enthusiastic slut, in glasses and fuzzy pj’s, kneeling between his legs, greedily gobbling up his cock made a couple of tooth-scrapes seem insignificant?

Must have. Cuz, look, there was a prize at the end. :-)

But prize or no prize, my mad cock-sucking skillz are slipping. They say that practice makes perfect.

That’s one option.

They also say ‘spare the rod, spoil the slut’.

That’s another option.

How much you wanna bet Master takes both options?

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