I feel a bad moon rising.
That last post is not sitting well. It’s “off” somehow.
I don’t think Master is going to like it either.
I don’t think he’s cared much for any of the last few posts I’ve made.
Oy. You know that restless whiny thing that dogs do when thunderheads start to build on the horizon? That’s how I’m feeling. And the sky is clear.
I’ve taken a very LARGE misstep somewhere I think.
Oy oy oy. cunt intuition tells me sumpin’ bad is coming.
~ cunt slave cunt! idontknowanymore
Uncategorized | kaya | 
February 21, 2008 1:35 pm
I was just thinking that the last post was wierd… It kind of came out of no where, considering the last few.
I didn’t comment, because I was thinking “huh?”
Anyway. Seems to be a bug going around, isn’t it?
Sometimes we need to misstep. It shows that we’re somehow floundering and that lets Them know we need to be refocused.
Not that any of your words were untrue.
They all resonated firmly inside of me, at least.
But they also shouted, quite loudly, “grab me by the hair and do something to make this shit not MATTER, please!?!”
Yanno?
Howdy kaya,
i’ll keep this short (shocking i know) we all go through this shit at one time or other. It happens to be that crappy time of year and the weather doesn’t help. At least you do have a place to vent and people who care and truly listen (believe it or not). It probably doesn’t help much but know that it will get better.
Hugs to you, take care
s bootsie
Stick to your guns, kaya! An epiphany is an epiphany for a reason.
You are his. Does anything else matter?
I really don’t follow your thinking on this. On one hand you say that a master doesn’t have any responsibility to a slave (or cunt or jabberwocky or whatever). On the other hand, you say you expect some “reimbursement” for services. I’m really not being snarky here. I was just wondering if you might explain how both are true in your mind — cause I think I’ve got your “position” figured out, & then you say something else.
And maybe Carrie’s right & you’re floundering right now. God knows I am.
For the record, I really don’t care how you guys do it or how anyone else does it. I think every D/s relationship is as different as every person that’s in one. I feel very strongly about how my own relationship runs, but I really am one of those rare “live & let live types.” I only get annoyed when someone starts poking at my relationship with a stick.
I know I’m not kaya and I can’t say what’s in her head…
But I know in my head it works kind of like this…
He doesn’t owe me anything, doesn’t have to do anything at all.
But like any other possession if he chooses to neglect it it will no longer function properly or look as beautiful on the shelf or whatever.
When you obtain a possession you know – be it plant or car or trinket or tool – what it needs to be the best possession it can be – be that water or gas and oil and maintenance or a good polishing and dusting now and again or sharpening.
You don’t owe the possession anything, aren’t required to do a thing in order to own it…
But in order for it to work properly, in order for it to shine or grow…
you treat it as it needs to be treated.
And, with luck, doing so brings you as much good as it brings the possession.
Just as a plant will wither and die or a car will cease to run or a beautiful silver trinket will tarnish or a knife will stop cutting well…
A slave/sub/cunt/jabberwocky will cease to perform at it’s best if it’s needs aren’t met.
Like a car it will demand gas – though you aren’t required to give it you won’t have much of a car without it.
Like a plant it will demand water – though you may neglect it and watch it die.
etc, etc.
What we expect generally is what is required for us to continue being of use.
Our owners may not HAVE to do a bloody thing but most of them do so as to keep their possession in good working order.
We get “reimbursed” whether we stomp and demand it or quietly wait…
Because if they don’t reimburse us in some way we cease to be the possession they wanted in the first place.
Gods almighty I’m rambling up a storm today and it’s not even my blog.
Maybe I should have taken the concept and run with it over at my place cuz I certainly can’t put words in kaya’s mouth and yet it’s a topic that I have a strong response to.
I guess, for me, it comes down to…
In my life…
Taylor chose his possession. Me. If he wanted a no maintenance type he’d have chosen one. He didn’t. And so he performs the maintenance that keeps me in good working order. Or he doesn’t. But I start to squeal and whine and sputter when he doesn’t. I can’t help it. It’s how I’m made. He’s not required to do a damned thing, no matter how I sputter, but eventually he does cuz…
I’m exactly the possession he wants.
I get reimbursed because I need to be to function but he reimburses because he chooses to… because he chose me… and wants to keep me… me.
and now that I’ve ceased to make ANY sense…
I’m gonna vanish and let kaya talk when she gets her next couple of hours. LOL.
Yep, that covers it exactly so. Thank you.
Yeah. Exactly what Carrie said. Anything I would say would be a repeat of what she said.
And for the record, you’ve never made me feel like you were judging my relationship on any level. I love that you and I can discuss the points that we disagree on without it turning into a Jerry Springer match. There are some who can’t (myself included, when it is my relationship being poked) and I’m trying to learn how to steer clear of them.
I have worried about this last series of posts from you. I have hoped that there wasn’t some “thing” that you were getting from me that set you in this direction (because I have ENORMOUS influence you know). In all the worrying and fussing, I am believing that, whatever you are reacting to and giving voice to, there is someone in your relationship who sees it clearly and is going to define it — so neither you nor I really need to worry much.
To be honest, I’ve “known” you awhile now. This kind of push is about something you need. As long as I’ve read what you write, I’ve never seen you make a need known that it hasn’t gotten taken care of somehow. I’d be comfortable in guessing that, once again, that process will happen for you and for Him. However you choose to label or define that dynamic — that is the way it seems to work.
I know it is probably not helpful to tell you to not worry about it all, but that really is my inclination.
Wishing you all the best.
swan
No, it wasn’t you at all. In fact, it wasn’t any one person. It was a series of attempts and failures.
kitten wrote an awesome post on this topic using cafeterias and lunch tables as an example. And that’s kind of what I’d been doing. Just moving from one table to another trying to find where my clique is, where do I fit in? And each time, there might be a part, an aspect of what Master and I do that would mesh with the rest of table but inevitably, glaring differences would spring up and I’d be forced to move on to the next table. This last time, I’d thought I’d found it again and the inevitable “rejection” hit me harder than normal. That spawned the question of why don’t I *ever* fit in.. well, maybe because I’m just not doing THAT.
I dunno. I mean, I know it just doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. *shrug* I think I’m just very lucky that I’m discovering a group of people, albiet a small group, and we all do it differently yet the similarities that we do have seem to bond us together in some fashion. I sense comraderie and not judgment with some (you are one of them).
That comeraderie is like food, water, oxygen… There is, even for the ones of us that are going “our own way,” still the basic human need for association and belonging. Isolation is the basis for such long-standing “human” methods of punishment as exile, shunning, banishment…
Loneliness and wanting to “fit” somewhere are real conditions. I know it. I just don’t know what to do about it beyond continuinng the connections with the few people out there that seem to kind of understand.
Thank you for being in that number.
swan
Where it is “off” I think is in the interpretation of WHY you get paid.
I quite agree that you (and every other owned/slave/submissive/bottom/whatever) has to get something out of the relationship. Otherwise I truely believe they would just shrivel up and die, mentally if not figuratively.
But you get that which you need not as reward or payment but because your master wants to give you those things – not to please you but to please himself. Usually this is works because what he like to do to you, and your reactions to it satifies his needs directly. A sadist likes tears and snot and screams – it is not chance that brought you and he together but a basic compatibility.
Granted there are times his decision may be to give you one thing because it enhances your preformance in some other thing – almost like getting paid but with a subtle difference – that decision is unilateral and non-negotiated.
Often the link between performance and having our needs met is not even clearly thought out by either party but is more primative – If you want to hear a cat purr you pet it – the cat purrs but only the delusional cat lover believes the animal reasoned the response or is even aware of WHY it is purring. Humans are really not that much different – lots of things we do are as hardwired as a cat’s purr. You get a nice solid beating and a bunch of orgasms and you are a happy camper the next day – you know the two are linked in some way but do we really know why?
Actually there I suspect there is not much in either this post or your epiphany that is really news to other than you (and I don’t mean this in a hurtful way – I have read you for some time and these posts were no real surprise to me)… I expect your Master has understood this all along and will mainly be moved to make certain you see that epiphany or payment expectations notwithstanding, nothing has actually changed, least of all your response to him.
Regards
Peter
Love the cat analogy. It’s purrfect
Hi Sweetie,
Does it really matter what your “label” is??
You are you, He is He, and you are together, and that is all that matters.
chin up and I’m sure you will figure it all out!
xx honey xx
Re your comment to swan: You letting what other people think get to you is a reoccurring theme. Don’t you think you are doing better at not doing that though? Seems like it.
Well yes. I do a lot better when I can shrug it off and just “do my thang”. But like she said, fitting in or finding a place where you fit in is human nature. We crave that acceptance. Maybe we need it. Sometimes it gets to me that I’m not able to find that in too many place. And other times I’m fine with it. What can I say? I’m such a human.
cunt intuition tells me sumpin’ bad is coming.
I know the feeling. That’s exactly what’s going on when I write “something brutal is coming my way fast”. It’s scary, exciting and usually very needed.
Hugs, I’ll be thinking of you.