Do you all have that same commercial? If not, Kay’s is a jewelry store and that’s their jingle. A couple of weeks ago, it had played and Master was like “hey! Every kiss does begin with a k!” which made me snicker. He just thought they were trying to say that every kiss begins with jewelry from their store. *snicker snicker*
Anyway, I mentioned some flashback issues I’ve been having and it is all about kissing.
I’m generally in a fairly healthy place mentally when I think back on the past. I can be pretty objective about it, recognize it for a bad experience, and don’t let it color too much of my present. Most of the memories that I have are sterile, in that I don’t have any overtly emotional reaction to them.
‘What’s done is done, time to move on’ is my general attitude. Except for when I think about the kissing. That’s the only thing that immediately puts me in a bad place emotionally. When I think about how they held my face and forced their tongues into my mouth, the intimacy of their lips on mine, how I felt like I was suffocating. The smell of their breath, and how it felt so so wrong to be inhaling what they were exhaling. I get nauseous at the memory. And angry.
It’s not new, this kissing thing. I’ve always avoided kissing. I’ve just been with men who either didn’t notice or didn’t care. I’m okay with quick pecks on the lips. I was okay with a french kiss as long as it was short, as long as I knew it was coming and was warmed up with some pecks so I could steel myself for the tongue invasion. But I would always be the one to pull away quickly, and to turn my head during sex, keeping my mouth out of range of theirs.
Master is aware of this too. And though He likes kissing, He’s pretty decent about respecting my feelings on it.
The problem is that now it’s steadily getting worse. On the occasion that He does come up and swoop me up in what is supposed to be a toe-tingling intimate kiss, I practically shove Him away. I can’t stop myself from wiping my mouth off, and have even gone so far as to run to the sink and spit, shuddering and trying not to gag. I’ll almost be in tears and will admonish Him to “don’t DO that!”
As I say that, I can see the hurt on His face. I feel terribly guilty and ashamed. Yet, I can’t seem to get this under control. I can sense that He’s struggling somewhat, and has the urge to force it. To pull out the Dom trump card and try and conquer this through a will stronger than mine. And I know He’s hesitating because this is a psychological problem, not just a limit or a preference of mine. I don’t want to be like this. I want to enjoy it and I want to stop seeing that hurt in His eyes when I pull away from Him in revulsion.
Saying “its not You, its me” is only so comforting and I know that. It used to be that if He would approach the whole kissing thing very slowly, I’d be okay. But more and more often, all I can manage are those dry, impersonal pecks on the lips.
And it’s not the spit factor, as someone suggested once. He has spit on my face or in my mouth plenty of times and I don’t have the same reaction at all. He’s fed me food from His mouth and that doesn’t bother me either. It’s the kissing.
I was hoping that someone out there has had a similar irrational reaction to something and might know some steps to overcome it. I hate knowing I’m hurting His feelings.