Every Kiss begins with Kay!
Do you all have that same commercial? If not, Kay’s is a jewelry store and that’s their jingle. A couple of weeks ago, it had played and Master was like “hey! Every kiss does begin with a k!” which made me snicker. He just thought they were trying to say that every kiss begins with jewelry from their store. *snicker snicker*
Anyway, I mentioned some flashback issues I’ve been having and it is all about kissing.
I’m generally in a fairly healthy place mentally when I think back on the past. I can be pretty objective about it, recognize it for a bad experience, and don’t let it color too much of my present. Most of the memories that I have are sterile, in that I don’t have any overtly emotional reaction to them.
‘What’s done is done, time to move on’ is my general attitude. Except for when I think about the kissing. That’s the only thing that immediately puts me in a bad place emotionally. When I think about how they held my face and forced their tongues into my mouth, the intimacy of their lips on mine, how I felt like I was suffocating. The smell of their breath, and how it felt so so wrong to be inhaling what they were exhaling. I get nauseous at the memory. And angry.
It’s not new, this kissing thing. I’ve always avoided kissing. I’ve just been with men who either didn’t notice or didn’t care. I’m okay with quick pecks on the lips. I was okay with a french kiss as long as it was short, as long as I knew it was coming and was warmed up with some pecks so I could steel myself for the tongue invasion. But I would always be the one to pull away quickly, and to turn my head during sex, keeping my mouth out of range of theirs.
Master is aware of this too. And though He likes kissing, He’s pretty decent about respecting my feelings on it.
The problem is that now it’s steadily getting worse. On the occasion that He does come up and swoop me up in what is supposed to be a toe-tingling intimate kiss, I practically shove Him away. I can’t stop myself from wiping my mouth off, and have even gone so far as to run to the sink and spit, shuddering and trying not to gag. I’ll almost be in tears and will admonish Him to “don’t DO that!”
As I say that, I can see the hurt on His face. I feel terribly guilty and ashamed. Yet, I can’t seem to get this under control. I can sense that He’s struggling somewhat, and has the urge to force it. To pull out the Dom trump card and try and conquer this through a will stronger than mine. And I know He’s hesitating because this is a psychological problem, not just a limit or a preference of mine. I don’t want to be like this. I want to enjoy it and I want to stop seeing that hurt in His eyes when I pull away from Him in revulsion.
Saying “its not You, its me” is only so comforting and I know that. It used to be that if He would approach the whole kissing thing very slowly, I’d be okay. But more and more often, all I can manage are those dry, impersonal pecks on the lips.
And it’s not the spit factor, as someone suggested once. He has spit on my face or in my mouth plenty of times and I don’t have the same reaction at all. He’s fed me food from His mouth and that doesn’t bother me either. It’s the kissing.
I was hoping that someone out there has had a similar irrational reaction to something and might know some steps to overcome it. I hate knowing I’m hurting His feelings. 
~cunt
Uncategorized | kaya | 
November 18, 2006 10:39 am
We have that commercial out here. I like it.
)
{{hugs}} I understand that feeling of NOT wanting to be kissed; it happens, sometimes in that ‘dark place’ or those memories, kissing is not the best thing. It’s ok.
{{hugs}}
Hugging…I have this huge issue with hugging. It took about a year for me to actually ask for a hug from him. But i still dont do stranger hugs alot its weird for me
*takes a deep breath*
When pet first got together with Master, she still had her fears hidden away, and the beatings she could take. Nothing close to what you can handle, but significantly better than what she does now. Letting down those walls has reopened a lot of old wounds, and pet is scared of that pain, terrified of it. It’s not a lack of trust in Master, but that is how it comes across, and the abject hurt in His eyes when pet panics or flinches is just awful. It’s easier when pet knows it’s coming. she can prepare, even if it’s only on a subconsious level that Master is NOT them. He can read pet’s reactions amazingly well, and has NEVER pushed past what pet could handle. He is aware of the fear, and will reassure pet frequently, checking in, making sure she hasn’t dissasociated (which pet has a tendency to do), and that she is still in a good headspace. Now, He by no means panders to pet’s whim on this, but He does keep the issues in mind, as it sounds like your Master is doing as well. And He does realise, pet thinks, that it isn’t so much a trust in Him issue as it is a fear thing, and that fear will overwhelm any kind of rational thought if pet doesn’t get a handle on it. But, pet is guessing that you probably do much of the same thing when you know it’s coming, prepare for it.
The problem seems to be more in when it’s unexpected and you are not able to short-circuit that fear/revulsion reaction by reminding yourself that you are ok, that you can do this, that you can handle it. When it sneaks up on you, and you’re unaware, the reaction slams HARD into your psyche, and after years of that kind of shit, well, it becomes an instinctual drive, the need to protect yourself from damage (regardless of if it’s percieved or real) kicks in. It’s very much a Pavlovian Response, and even worse, it’s trained in via trauma, which just cements it more firmly into the subconsious. Those kinds of reactions are VERY hard to unlearn, and putting “positive” programming into place is just as difficult. It takes a lot of patience, and the understanding that it is a two steps forward, one step back process. So, there’s the psychology behind it.
THis is the hard part. pet doesn’t know. she doesn’t really know what to tell you to do. she doesn’t know how to deal with it either, and thus far, the only thing that tends to get her through those “surprise” incidents is Master’s voice right in her ear, firm, unyielding, but loving, telling her that she is ok, reassuring her that He is still in control, and that she is safe. Unfortunately, your Master can’t talk to you at the same time He is kissing you.
*growls at LJ* Con’t in next reply, cuz LJ is retarded…
Re: *takes a deep breath*
(OK, sorry for the novel kaya… in retrospect, maybe pet should have emailed this… *grins apologetically*)
Now, due to Master constantly using the same method to calm and reassure pet, she now, when that fear takes hold, can hear Master’s voice echoing quietly in her head “you’re ok… I’m not going to hurt you” (with understanding that yes, He’s gonna hurt her, but He’s not gonna HURT her, yanno?) and a lot of the time, that helps slow the reaction down enough to let pet get at least start to get a handle on it. Perhaps your Master can do something similar. Maybe a certain touch that you find particularly comforting for Him to do EVERY time He kisses you, like stroking your inner arm (pet would advise staying away from facial touches, as that may make you feel more “trapped” by the kiss, and be more detrimental than good, yeah?) and start with doing it when you know the kiss is coming, so You are already (relatively) calm. Until the kissing gets more comfortable, and that “touch” becomes a touchstone back to the present, pet would also advise avoiding kissing during particualry heavy/harsh scenes. Not forever, just until you are more able to associate kissing with good things. FOr example, pet has been anally raped repeatedly in the past. pet does enjoy it now, very much. But W/we kept running into a problem with positioning. See, Master had always been coming from behind pet for anal. Every single one of the rapes happened with the rapist behind pet. Unconsiously, that was just dragging forth all of those bad memories and terror reactions, and pet was completely unable to relax, no matter how much reassuring Master did, which, of course, made it hurt, and well, you can see where the vicious circle was going with this. W/we tried laying pet on her back. It made pet feel a little less vulnerable, it was easier to relax, and the sensation was not so intense. Plus, pet could SEE Master… she couldlook Him in the eyes, to see the love there, and not let the memories overtake her. she still has trouble with Him behind her, but it gets easier each time, and Master doesn’t push it too hard. Slowly, as pet begins to have good associations with anal sex, pet is slowly letting go of the bad. It’s a slow process, and pet has backpedalled a lot, and Master just patiently coaxes her back out again.
As for the hurt in His eyes, well, there isn’t much to do other than talk, work through it. Communication, the central theme to This Thing We Do.
*hugs* Oh, kaya, pet hopes this helps..she’s sorry for the novel here in your comments. please, email or call or whatever if You need to. pet is here, and more than willing and happy to lend back any bit of the strength and support you’ve given her through her own struggles here recently.
[pet]
I feel the need to say I am not a shrink and what worked for me might not help or even make it worse for you, so please take all of this as just my experience.
I was abused as a kid, hit, and forced to do all kinds of sexual things with my stepfather, and it left a lot of issues like the one you describe with kissing. One of the first things Master and I discussed was my aversion to buttsex and being hit, both were things that stemmed from the abuse.
He totally respected those limits. Both of us read a lot online about BDSM, and I liked stories and sometimes those subjects would come up. Eventually they sneaked into my fantasies. After a while of this I told him and we talked about it and fooled around with those subjects on the phone and online.
Finally, I asked him to please do those things to me in person. In the context of safety and love with him, the old experiences lost their power and the new ones were sexy and wonderful. But, I don’t think that I could have had those experiences with him without becoming familiar and comfortable with the idea in my fantasies first.
*hugs* I hope that helps.
Me again…
the one who lost her Master to his wife. Anyway, my take on all of this…. okay… To me, kissing is the most intense show of intimacy. It rocks you to your very core when it is with someone you love. Your experiences with kissing took away what it should be. Sex is sex, we can all do it. Animals do it. But kissing, sweet kissing. It goes beyond physical. That was taken away from you. It scares you and ultimately, it is what keeps you from being 100% (just my opinion, cuz from what I read, you are damn close). I am not doing a good job of describing it at the moment and maybe someone else can help me figure out what the hell it is I am trying to say.
Okay, you saw Pretty Woman right? Well, she could detach herself from the sex part, but not the kissing. THAT IS JUST TOO DAMN INTIMATE!!! and emotional, AND physical. It reaches your HEART Kaya. Your HEART wasn’t involved or attached with incest/rape (sorry, I am not sure which it is for you). You heart SHOULDN’T be attached to those types of things. It isn’t the kissing that bothers you, it is what was taken from you, I think. It is what SHOULD have been. Kissing MEANS something and in your head, it is synonymous with things it shouldn’t be.
Damnit, I am usually a very eloquent writer and words are escaping me at the moment. Kissing, it someone attaches itself to your insides, to your heart. You need to somehow remember, and tell yourself over and over that what happened to you was in no way WHAT YOU WANTED. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t encourage it. The kissing… whoever “they” are, they robbed you of the most beautiful thing there is. Kissing does not equate to non-consensual. Kissing should be given with every ounce of being in you. It truly is part of the heart and soul. Two things NOT ATTACHED TO YOUR PAST!!!!!!
Ok, help me here. Surely, someone knows what I am trying to convey.
kaya — This is terribly difficult. There are no simple “fixes” for this kind of hurt, but I think it is important to know that you are not “broken.” Possibly, you and your Master will find a way to address this within your power exchange dynamic. We have addressed some issues that have come up from the darkness of my psyche and had some success at doing it by the application of pretty straight ahead D/s. On the other hand, there are some mental health issues that have not resolved themselves for us using that “technology.” All I can offer you is encouragement to seek whatever path will bring you to wholeness. You have committed your whole self to the one who owns you. You know that this is keeping you from giving that whole self as you want to be able to do. Whatever path it takes to find the healing you need, I know you will follow that path — and I know that He will support you to do that.
Wishing you all the best.
swan
kissing, more than just lips touching
Just read the kissing syndrome blog,
“if you wanna know if he loves you so , its in his kiss”
sex is organs and orgasmic rush, as routine or mechanical or inventive as you want, do it cum and sleep if you want , or pay a whore and drop her off on the corner again, its just sex right???
but kissing is intimate lasting, personal , more than lips touching , its soul touching, joining, sharing, involves feeling for a person, one you respect, trust and ignites passion and a tingle all though out your body , or in this case lack of, its mechanical with a lets get it over feel.
kissing is vunerability with rejection magnified and —gulp— needs love to TOUCH YOU INSIDE . or its mechanical , unfeeling and makes you wanna puke.
the brain chemical “rush” you get from the “abuse ” today is also available in a passionate loving relationship , but right now your way is safe , your not vunerable, you have a role and your safe in it being the hole that can say ..hey ive done every thing ? how can you not be pleased , it keeps the distance but keeps you intimately involved…to a point
like holding hands, i cant hold hands or kiss a woman i dont love , but i can screw her brains out any time day or night…
ive had sex with plenty of woman but only kissed a few,
cause ive only had real feelings for a few. and they way they were kissed they knew it.
its what we save for the “special ” person in our lives” .
prositutes will screw your brains out take the cash but they wont kiss. they only kiss the man in their lives they love. gotta save something special for them right?
R u in love? if you have to think about it youve answered the question. If he respected you as a person , and said i want better for you than days of abuse youd grow to love him cause he shows he respects you, that would change your way of living today –which is in fact keeping him at distance with the life style youve choosen. you may be the sub but your in control..You may never want HIM kissing you but thats not to say you wont meet someone that rocks your boat and wants to do more than feed your habit.
signed …
the inarticulate guy , (thats seen and experianced more than my fair share of d/s, chain and rope bondage, collering, slave training, femdom, spankings , broken dreams and lost love and self destructive behaviour…….)but untill i said i deserve better she never respected me, nor i myself.
as a matter of fact
i do know how to fix it. i’ll write backchannel tonight. Right now, i have to go buy party shoes with TG.
It IS fixable, although you might want to tell Master from a psychologist that pulling the Dom trump card on this one is the exact backwards way to make it go away. This is because the aversion started from being forced in the first place.
ok, i really gotta go,love ya,
MSkitten
ps: i SOOO want my tree up!
Maybe you should see a psychologist– I’m not saying that jokingly. You yourself know that it’s “a psychological problem”– you aren’t in denial about that. Psychologists really do work– I went in for therapy for two years, and it really helped a lot. Consider it?
I’ve given head to more men than I’ve kissed.
I totally understand this… there’s something both too personal and too vulnerable. And I think it scares me to see dominant men vulnerable, or it makes me want to look down on them.
I always feel bad rubbing off the spit too, or wanting to just pull away. I can handle the little kisses, and I can handle kissing each other all over our faces, but deep, mouth on mouth french kisses? Can’t do it. It freaks me out. I guess I should have read the other comments, maybe someone made a good suggestion because I could use help with it too.
Does it taste bad to you too? Sort of beyond the individual aspects of it. I wonder if there is spit chemistry, where it just feels good and right with some people but not with others. I haven’t found any where it feels good though. It also feels like my mouth is being overtaken and attacked, and you can’t get away. Ugh. But you’re definitely not alone with this one.
And to add to that… I think it might go deeper than the abuse maybe? Or it does for me I think, personally I think it’s more of a character trait than a by product of something else, I was raped at 17 but hadn’t enjoyed it before then either. Still… I was pretty messed up on my own so I’m not sure. Regardless there should be a way to change it.
Maybe he should try having you kiss him? In ways that you’re comfortable and go a little further each time? So that you’re doing it because you want to do it not because someone is doing it to you?
Whoa, I have no idea why I’m going to share this. It’s very personal, but I do have something that I react to like you do.
I could go into a long story and explain why I’m like this, but it was a long time ago and I’ve moved on in every area except one. I have a violent reaction to anyone putting their hands on my head while I’m giving oral sex. That motion that drives you down a man’s cock. You know what I mean.
Anyway, I can have a violent reaction. The first time it happened was years ago, and I was lucky that my husband really had the presence of mind to handle my reaction. I never knew it was even a problem until then.
I get violent and fight. I break out in a cold sweat. I want to vomit. I do, in fact, vomit sometimes if this gets triggered.
Afterwards I can be sullen and withdrawn for weeks. It’s very traumatic.
So I do understand. I do. The way we’ve handled it, is… to use some other body part so he can exert the same kind of demand. Taking a hold of my hair is the usual one. I have hair down to my waist and in two pony tails it is like reigns. He pulls them and then once I’m into it, he can use the nape of my neck… just never the top of my head. NEVER. We have other ways around it, but I’m sure none of them are as satisfactory as a good old fahsion “Skull fuck”, I’m just not able to get through it in one piece.
Those triggers can be a bitch to over come. You can process it and process it and know all the reasons why, intellectually and even emotionally, but the instinct still surfaces under the right circumstances. I’m not sure if these severe ones can be trained out of us.
If you find a way, let me know. I don’t like being like this either.
This is the first time I’m posting, though I’ve wanted to before – I check your journal daily because I’m in a similar situation; I have a master, and we’re engaged, and I also have a 3 year old (his step-daughter), so we sort of struggle with me having a hard time giving up control as well as trying to work as a vanilla family, but…
I have a problem with kissing too. My ex-husband was absolutely brutal about it. He would crush my mouth, suffocate me, force his tongue into my mouth… I loathed it. I loathed him as well, which made it so much worse, and now I have a phobia about kissing. I haven’t told my master the extent of how bad it is, because I feel so GUILTY. I should love kissing him because I love him, but I get so panicky. I make excuses about why I pull away, why I dodge, and I can see it hurts and confuses him. The thought of kissing someone usually makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice… just wanted to let you know I felt the same. =/
For a long time, I had a difficult time giving blowjobs for a similar kind of reason. For me I found it made a WORLD of difference if I initiated it- that was the first step towards undoing the damage.
Hi Kaya,
I have a thing about being touched. I’m okay if I know it is going to happen but if someone comes up behind me and gives me a hug I flinch strongly. Sex isn’t a problem because I know what’s happening.
Kelcey sometimes has problems when I kiss her. Normally, she loves being kissed. But sometimes she gets a look in her eyes as if I’m attacking her. A few times she’s had a strong aversion. I think this happens when her testosterone drops for some reason or another. High testosterone helps limit the flight response which would otherwise occur during physical contact.
The reason for my reaction to being touched? I’m not sure — perhaps stuff that happened to me as a kid but perhaps not. Kelcey, years ago when we first met, helped me a lot.
Good luck,
Woodsbunny
Kissing is tough!
Now, I’ve never been abused, so my aversion to kissing comes from nothing more than my feelings that: (a) it is too intimate and, (b) that it’s not something that ‘Masters and slaves do’(lol..this idea cracks me up, but I still find it very hard to kiss and enjoy because of this is ingrained in my head.)
I suppose I’m scared of him loving me because I think he’ll lose interest or that he won’t be able to beat/hurt/humiliate me anymore. To me, kissing means love and in some senses, vanilla life.
I never kissed my first owner and he never kissed me. That was fine and dandy for me then-I still had the occasional hug and he petted me sometimes. But I do feel much more valued and owned now and trust is something that is building daily.
Like Pavlov’s dogs, you must create a positive association with kissing (although I don’t think ringing a bell will help in this case…lol.) I think initiating it yourself is also good, because you still retain some control and the kissing will be on your terms until the negative associations are removed.This will help you stop panicking and feeling overwhelmed. Another little chat with your Master is perhaps in order, just to help him understand what you are going through. Afterall, he does want a happy, little cunt I’m sure (^v^)
k
good point
kissing
.. i am by no means a psychologist.. and my suggestion goes against everything the two of you are building..maybe kaya.. if YOU are in control.. not always.. and not for long.. but for short periods Master can lay very still.. with his hands under Him.. and you try everything you’re curious about (in terms of kissing only.. *grins* that could be dangerous) you can nibble.. you can trace His lips with your tongue.. you can touch his tongue with your own.. you can have Him inhale what you exhale.. and as you breathe.. close your eyes.. and imaging pure love exhaling from you.. and hearing Him inhale that.. a little longer each time you try the exercise.. knowing always that his hands are beneath him and he won’t touch you until you’re ready.. tiny tiny steps.. you’re so strong kaya.. and have overcome so many things that would cripple a normal person.. you’ll move thru this too.. you just have to be gentle with yourself and let it come.. good luck sweetie..
I have major issues with kissing. I had oral sex before I had my first kiss. I have gone down on more people than I have kissed. In the beginning it was a tremendous issue with Master. And it still kind of is. I wish I knew where it comes from. I’m sorry I can’t offer anything more helpful.
I used to have the exact same problem, so I’m sure it’s common for abuse sufferers. But by and large it went away when I pushed past it with my first love, (using sensate focus, fantasy, relaxation, and all that jazz) and I slowly re-associated kissing to ‘love’ and came to love it. Now I can enjoy kissing with some people, not all. I still find it more intimate than sex. In general I have to be the one “in control” when kissing, I need the person to be intuitive and allow me to control the pace, depth, rhythm etc…if not overtly then subtly.
I can relate though to how these things can feel rejecting to lovers, and to how, try as we might, sometimes we can’t get over them. A psychologically traumatic experience with my breasts made me lose all sensation from that day forward and I can’t bear to have them touched, I actually panic. If M_S kitten gives you some good suggestions not posted here…please share.
Don’t be hard on yourself. I think of it as similar to having a scar in the brain, you may soften it, it may become less noticeable, but it will always be there, even if is just faded, and how well it heals, and how much ‘sensation’ is lost can be correlated to the depth of the damage.
BTW I think Pet’s suggestion to link it to another sensation or touch that IS pleasurable and comforting is a GREAT idea…and its well documented in psychology to work.
Best of Luck
You’re not alone. I have problems with kissing. I don’t like it. I am in the process of working through it. I can kiss now, but only if I intiate the kiss.
well, I don’t have an answer or suggestion for you, but I just wanted to add that I’ve gone through the same thing, well I still am. It’s not just with the kissing though, it’s with being intimate (non BDSM related intimacy) in general.
It’s hard and I understand what you’re going through, and after reading your post I actually feel a little better about it myself because I thought I was the only person who had this problem
Don’t beat yourself up over this. This a deep-seated reaction that you have developed. It will take time and patience to hopefully overcome it. At first, it will seem pushed and unnatural. But with time you will feel the passion and so will Master. Master loves you too much to let this hold you back. Talk with him, find ways that BOTH of you can work towards.
GOOD LUCK!!!
kissing is a trigger that takes you back to that moment – so no wonder it’s traumatic for you. It’s almost as if you need to be reprogrammed so that kissing feels beautiful and not horrible. If you and your master are willing to devote the time to it then maybe a psych isn’t such a bad idea. It’s not just for master – it’s for you to feel better too.
I have to agree with most of what has been said before. Then again I have the same issue, and I don’t know what’s so sexy about having a tongue down my throat. Personally I think its revolting because I don’t want to eat someone’s mouth… lol. I think little kisses and licking are cuter and much more fun with someone you love. I don’t know I guess I mean caresses. Then again I don’t like alot of things done certain ways. I am very picky! Well hope it all goes well, much love dear!
I always had a big problem with kissing as well. To me it was the combination of breathing in someone else’s used breath and getting strange spit in my mouth. Daddy took things very slowly with me in that area and I can say that I’m over the used breath thing now.
The spit however…I still find it disgusting. Especially when it creates threads it makes me feel nauseous. I have this thread problem with sperm as well by the way. I seem to have a problem with body fluids creating threads when they stick to something.
I can’t stand kissing people on television. When I see their tongues touch and I hear the revolting sounds they make I just want to reach through the screen and slap them!
Things are a lot better now though. It’s moving very slowly but luckily it’s moving into the right direction. When it comes to spit, he never forces me and he has promised me that he won’t. I think that gives me the chance to relax more and to feel comfortable about trying things without feeling that I will disappoint him if things don’t work right away.
I have two suggestions and the second one is possibly my VERY FAVORITE THINGS OF ALL TIME, I kid you not. So if this comment turns out too long, skip the first part and just go on to the second part. LOL!
BTW, both these suggestions require your Master’s commitment to help you overcome your aversion to kissing. He will need to be completely trustworthy and you will need to completely trust him (which I’m sure is already the case.)
1. Try a little kiss therapy on a regular basis. Start when you are feeling relaxed and happy. Your Master lies on his back on the bed, hands by his sides, and remains STILL. You lie next to him or on top of him or kneel over him, whatever is comfy. Now you play around with kissing him. Don’t start on the mouth at first. Maybe kiss his cheek. Use you lips to nibble his cheek. Use your tongue a little with little licks or swirl it around on a small area of his cheek a little or maybe even lick a drop of wine off his cheek. Don’t do any more until you are OK doing that. Eventually, move a little closer to his mouth. Work up to doing the same thing on his lightly closed lips. He should just be still and he definitely should NOT try to kiss back. If all you can manage is a peck at first that is fine. Maybe the next day you will manage a peck and a lick. Just go at your own pace but try it on a regular basis (but only at times when you are feeling good about yourself and him and are relaxed). There is NO pressure, no time limit. Eventually, when you feel ready and able, slip the just tip of your tongue between his lips. He is still not going to kiss back and he’s going to keep his hands at his sides or in some other neutral position. Sooner or later (maybe days or weeks or even months later — no rush), you will be able to start exploring his mouth with your tongue. He will need to use utmost self control and just let YOU do it and not respond by kissing back until you finally feel like you can handle that and ASK him to respond. This is all going to be slow and unpressured and you are going to GRADUALLY, GRADUALLY allow yourself to get comfortable with kissing and let all these good, unforced, calm interactions replace or counteract the bad memories in your head.
Second idea (my fav) coming in next post….
OK! This is my FAVORITE way to kiss and one of my favorite things ever in the entire known universe: Wine kisses. Yes, wine kisses. It’s not so much a kiss as it is him feeding me a drink of wine. He takes a sip of red wine (better that white at mouth temperature) and kisses me and I suck the wine from his mouth into mine. So simple, so good.
Why is this so good, you ask? Well it makes for the perfect, non-sloppy kiss. In order to avoid spilling the wine, he has to keep his lips relatively closed, only parted a little, so there’s none of that engulfing-my-mouth-with-his business. Also the kiss can’t be sloppy or the wine will spill so there’s none of the slobbery business. And it has to go at my pace, or again, the wine will spill. A wine kiss can only last a brief time because, hey, you have to swallow the wine, so you know it’s not going to go on forever — there’s a built in ‘time limit’ of sorts. The feeling of sucking the wine from his mouth is very erotic. His breath smells like the wine and his mouth tastes like the wine so no worries about bad breath or bad tastes. And, hey, I like wine. So it’s all good.
Now you might not like (love!) this as much as me but then again it might be worth a try.
I see you live in Wisconsin. I do too. If you’re in the Milwaukee area, I suggest you see Ellen Diedrich at Pathways Counseling Center. http://www.pathwayscounseling.com I saw her earlier this year. She uses a technique called EMDR which helps bridge the gap between your subconscious and conscious to help you deal with all the traumas your subconscious is holding onto. I couldn’t recommend her or emdr more. It has done amazing things for me. I’m positive she can help you get passed your kissing issue. If you’d like to know more about how she helped me, I’ll tell you all about it. Just reply here or email me and I’ll give you as much info as I can. Pasted below is the info on her from the website link I gave you.
Ellen Diedrich MS, L.A.P., LPC, CTS, CST, CADC-III, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Art Psychotherapist, She is certified as a Alcohol Drug Counselor III, Sex Therapist and Trauma Specialist. Ellen has acquired Eye Movement Desensitization and Repossessing II training as well as advanced diagnostic training in Thought Field Therapy. She also has specialized training in Soma-Synthesis (Shen natural healing methods), plus Ellen possesses Mastership in Reiki. Ellen is culturally diverse and capable of meeting the needs of both hetero and homosexual populations. She enjoys providing individual, couples and family therapy. Her special interests are with women’s and children’s issues. Ms. Diedrich is skilled in the areas of emotional and physical pain relief, child dynamics/interactions, attention deficient-hyperactivity, chemical addiction, relationship communication/intimacy, depression, anger/stress management, anxiety/pain, physical/sexual abuse, trauma, grief/loss and spirituality.
EMDR is an excellent stratagy and at first I thought my grief/anger counselor was crazy but it worked and I was freed from things that have haunted me since I was a teenager. It was sexual abuse but it was verbal and emotional abuse and was inhibiting me from moving forward in my relationships. You can find a counselor near you by googling for the national website for EMDR
I don’t get close to people.
After so long I do not think I even know how.
I see couples and wonder how intimacy happens.
At this point – it is a mute point.
I just avoid and try not to think about it.
That’s my flash.
It’s ok though.
Ok to take your time to work through things.
You will be alright.
*hugsssssssss*
I’m not a psychologist, although I’m a psych major but this comment isn’t going to be about that.
Trauma is insanely difficult to overcome. All sorts of little things can trigger reactions. It’s happened to me and its happened to those that I know.
But baby steps. I agree with others that you being in control or at least setting distinct ground rules for the kissing stuff isn’t a bad idea.
I met your Master. He’s an incredibly kind man and I think that he will be capable to walk with you through this.
Please know that I support you and I’d be more than willing to come see you or talk to you on the phone if your Master will let me.
hi, as I was reading this post it occurred to me that when psychological issues get worse rather than better years after the abuse has ended it is usually because they need to be dealt with. I wish I had an answer as to how to deal with it – you could try incorporating with something you enjoy like maybe a kissing session while he mashes your tits when you’re wearing that new tack bra or while your in subspace during a scene – but with forknowledge not as a surprise. Whatever you do I hope it all works out.
I realize I’m coming to this post late . . . de-lurking always make me pretty hesitant. Anyway, suffice to say that I have been poking through your journal for a bit, and really enjoying what I’ve been reading.
I, too, have reactions to kissing. For me, it’s only a particular type of kissing–open mouthed kissing is fine, but open mouth kissing with tongues is pretty ick. For me, I feel absolutely nothing, other than this other person’s tongue flopping about in my space, and I would really rather have my head tucked into his neck/shoulder space than be kissing like that.
For us, we’re kind of using a slow desensitizing process. First, we had a big discussion of why it wasn’t really that good for me (due to an ex who forced me to do it when I was very young). Then we would try it just in play, where there wasn’t any pressure for me to perform. Now, we have started working it into play, but he’ll still warn me beforehand–”I’m going to kiss you deep with my tongue, but only for a moment.” The warning is enough to get me to relax, but I have to admit it’s still not really something I enjoy.
No matter what you do to tone down your anxiety, I really hope it works out for you.