Hello. My name is Neurosis.

I guess my hiatus is over..lol. Since it was never Master approved it didn’t stand a chance anyway. (Using Master to cover up my LJ addiction much? *blush*)

Thanks for all of the support and advice. Amazing people you are and I’m a lucky little cunt to know you all.

Sugarplum sent me an email last night that made me cry. Because she loves me enough to be honest and makes me look at things with my eyes open. So, I’ve much to think about and much to talk with Master about.

Today is, of course, Thursday. See my gorgeous new icon from a friend here at LJ? Isn’t it perfect? Today I’m supposed to redo the cuttings on my breasts and I’m just not going to post any new pictures of it because, seriously, how redundant are those pictures? If you absolutely *must* see, check here or here. It never looks any different.

And can I waste time and energy and whine about how much I really do not want to do this today? It’s always this way when it’s been a while in-between sessions of pain, and added on to that my recent decision to reject slavery altogether, and I am one reluctant masochist right about now.

I didn’t tell you about rejecting slavery? How did that slip my mind I wonder!

I did. In fact, I do that once in awhile. I just up and decide it’s too hard and too complicated and too stressful and I’m quite finished with it. It was a nice ride but I’ll get off now, thank you. I can present a pretty convincing argument too, both to myself and to Master. He listens, and He sympathizes, and at points He will even agree with my assessment, leading me to believe that He’s on board with me, right? And then He just says no.

What the fuck. No! He can’t tell me no! I’m an adult, I live in the Land of the Free, I can do whatever I damn well want to do!

Right?

He doesn’t even really react to it anymore. He just lets me go, lets me wander (mentally) because He knows I won’t go far. I pull back just so far and then I panic. I’m scared ‘out there’ away from Him. I need Him. And the only way to have Him is to be His.

The only way to be His is to do what He says.

You know what’s funny? Years ago I used to fantasize about being a slave, like a lot of people who read me tell me they do. And now, I fantasize about not being a slave..lol. I used to have this romanticized vision of being an owned woman, controlled and obedient.. and now I have a romanticized vision of having a job and having friends and being normal.

In reality, of course I could walk away from this. Legally I can. Mentally and emotionally though? I’m as locked into Him and this as if I were already caged round the clock. So of course I’m going to go carve myself bloody for Him, and before I’ve made the final cut, my head will be exactly where He wants it to be and I’ll be grovelling and crying in genuine remorse at ever having thought I could be anything other than His cunt.

Until the next time.

I am entirely too much work.

~cunt

Be the first to like.

Like

Unlike