The headache is gone but my ears are thoroughly plugged which is absolutely maddening. Trying to get the kids ready for school this morning and all I kept saying was “huh? what? Stop mumbling!” while they looked at me like I had just sprouted a second head. Which it feels like I did. My head feels stuffed and BIG. But my sinuses aren’t plugged and there is nothing else to indicate a cold or anything coming on soooo… on with the task list, eh? Yay! (after I post of course.)
I wanted to expound a little on what I said yesterday about the Paintoy site.
I “gifted” Master with a subscription to that site. (It’s hard to use the word “gift” when it’s His money and I have to ask permission first but you all know what I mean.) It’s unusual (almost never) that we actually pay for porn. Not only do we make plenty of our own but the free stuff on the net is pretty adequate. My reasons for picking that particular site were simple. The samples that I’ve come across are perfect for any sadist or masochist out there. But I got so much more than what I expected.
I had expected some pictures or video clips of s&m pornography. Things that would make both of us horny, inspire sessions of pain and torture and maybe some ideas of new positions, techniques, toys, etc. Not that Master isn’t inventive or imaginative enough on His own for He certainly is… but I am always on a quest for more more more. ;)
And I did get that. There are pictures that make my mouth water. Video clips that make my cunt spasm. They have toys that I would kill for, positions that I hope to find myself in soon and welts *everywhere*. But here’s what I got that I didn’t expect. The validation.
For a long time, I’ve struggled with this masochist pain-slut part of me. I have accepted that as confusing as it was, it was an undeniable part of me. I do crave it, dream about it, desire it and yet when I get it, I tend to fight it. I cry, I block (or try to), I get angry, I wiggle away from it, I scream. It hurts! Immediately after a session, I might whine and complain and swear to never ever ask for a beating again. I’ll deny being a pain-slut. Curse the toys, curse Master, curse my stupid un-markable ass.
I could not reconcile these two opposite emotions. I lived with them, suffered through the confusion and wondered what part I was missing. And worse than all of that, I knew that Master was frustrated with it. How I would beg and whine for a beating and then wiggle away from it and get angry at Him for giving me what I asked for!
Now, He’s worked through that on His own. As He said to me just last night, He knows that while I fight it then, within a few hours I’ve processed it all and I’m a dripping horny mess. That’s what He keeps in mind while I profess to hate everything during the actual beating.
So. The Paintoy site. It’s not the “fuck” site that I expected. In fact, while I’ve only seen a little of what they offer so far, I haven’t seen *any* sex at all. It’s a guy whipping, spanking, clamping and *hurting* a girl. Hurting her badly. She cries, she screams, she struggles and in a few I’ve seen some flashes of anger. I’ve also seen the guys, the whip-wielders raise eyebrows at some reactions. I’ve seen looks, the exact same look I’ve seen on Master’s face. A sort of grim determination, coupled with pleasure.
There is no acting here. Or at least I haven’t picked up on it if there is. And as I watch these people work through the same reactions and emotions that I have, I keep getting floored with this truth. Those girls voluntarily do this. They willingly *ask* for that pain. They want it just as I do and yet, they, ALL of them, are fighting it, crying over it, just as I do.
Just one more thing I want to remark on about them and then I’ll stop the free commercial :-). The sadists are always asking the girls things like “are you ready for another one?”, “you can take one more, can’t you?”, “you want another hard one?” and each time the fight is so amazing clear in the girl’s expression. You can see just how badly she wants to say “fuck no!”…lol… and I don’t know if it’s the camera that spurs her on, or the ingrained desire to please the one holding the crop or something else entirely but almost every time the answer is a squeaked out and reluctant “yes”. Master does that to me and I also almost always say yes when I want to say no and I bet I have that same bewildered expression on my face. I just love seeing it so clearly on someone else.
So! That’s my take on the Paintoy site. :)
Now about those questions I asked yesterday. Rereading it today and I can see it makes little to no sense. Here’s what I was getting at.
I’ve noticed that there seems to be a ripple effect among the journals that I read. Mine included. It starts with a whisper, a murmur of discontent somewhere. Within a few days, a week, journal after journal contains mention of sadness, worry, something missing, feeling ignored. And then, just as mysteriously as it started, it starts to ripple back in to upbeat, hopeful, satisfied posts again.
It’s the ebb and flow of journaling perhaps.
I wonder though, just how much are we feeding off of each other. How susceptible are we to picking up on someone else’s pain and holding on to that for ourselves. Is it that we are so intensely empathetic with other submissives/slaves that we pull each other’s emotions into our own? Are we so desperate to identify with someone because of feeling out casted in general society for our sexual preference, our kinks and fetishes that we latch on to threads of commonality and weave them into imagined worries so we can continue to identify and empathize and connect?
Women who live together will begin to have coordinated menstrual cycles. Maybe women who blog together will begin to have coordinated implosion cycles.
Or is it that coincidental that individual relationships seem to follow the same path? Every relationship has ups and downs, cycles of intensity. Is it possible that for some strange reason, we seem to mirror each others cycles?
All of that thinking is what led me to that question. The end goal. It seems a commonality that the Big D in the D/s equation gets to a point where the play, the scenes, the strictness begins to wan. Is it the “goal” of the Big D that those things are the training tools to get the little s to a place where those things aren’t necessary anymore? Or at least not as often and even then, only as the Big D feels fit to dole it out.
Whereas the little s only comes to crave and need and want those things harder and deeper than ever before and is left lost and confused by the dwindling of it. The created and manufactured endorphin junkie who is fed less and less.
I happen to be on an upswing right now. Though I fully expect that I’ll falter again. There is a definite wax and wane to the endorphin push that I get. Based on circumstances and Master’s mood to dole out the intensity that I crave, I rise and fall with it.
So I wonder, for those that don’t seem to have such peaks and valleys, are they getting a steadier dose of this “drug”? Or have they reached that goal of needing it only as it’s given. Or, has it indeed become the training tool, that the need is suppressed, quietly and obediently until the push comes.
Some days I long for that steady acceptance. Other times I embrace my longing for intense as I feel it gives me fuel, emotional fuel to submit as deeply as I can. I don’t know though how Master feels about it. I know that He hates it when I’m falling into that black hole of neediness yet I also know He loves it when I can sink into extreme depravity. And I suspect they go hand in hand. I wonder the differences in other relationships too. Are the highs and lows considered a fault?
Is the end goal to suppress the intense longing to have it deeper, harder or to encourage it? I just don’t know.
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday April 24th, 2006 8:21am | 
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