I’ve been staring at this screen for awhile now, trying to put into words the events, or rather the emotions behind the events, that went on today. It was a day unlike any that have transpired between Master and myself.
To put it bluntly, I went ballistic. And as much as I can be ashamed of it now, I am also relieved that it happened. I learned a very valuable bit of information about myself.
I am not, and cannot, be vanilla.
I can’t function, I can’t think, I can’t perform, I can’t LIVE in a vanilla setting. I found myself, today, questioning the point of living at all in the miserable vanilla state we’d settled in. I have a man whom I love dearly and who loves me back just as fiercely. And of course I have my children who had been my reason for trudging through day after day for years. Yet with each passing moment I was sinking into depths of hopelessness like nothing I’d ever felt before.
My value and worth have become wrapped up in being His slave. I don’t know who or what I am without that. I only know that envisioning the future had suddenly become bleak and dreary.
I was hysterical, frantic, manic. And sad. So very sad. Such a failure, as a mother, a wife, a slave. I think when anyone begins to feel so utterly despondent, thoughts of suicide surface, even if for a fleeting moment. And they did to me today. But having been through the aftermath of suicide, I discarded them quickly, holding on tight to thoughts of my kids.
I mostly contemplated just walking away. Walking and walking and walking until *something* became clear. I knew that I could not be of any value to my children as miserable as I was becoming. I could not be of any value to Master. I could not be of any value to myself.
Master and I fought. Argued, screamed, cried. He repeated over and over that I’m His slave forever, that I can’t leave, that I don’t have that option. He held me down as I flailed and sobbed and begged to be released.
I didn’t want to leave Him. I can’t imagine my life without Him. The thought fills me with panic and despair. The war was in full swing, seeing misery everywhere I turned and wanting only to stop it, stop feeling like I was coating everyone around me with the unhappiness that I carried like a second skin. I wasn’t just asking to be released *from* Him, but I was asking to release Him from the obligation of ME.
He promised me a long time ago that He would never leave me. Never abandon me. That’s a comforting promise, sure, but it’s also a heavy burden.. to think that He’d be better off, could find someone better, if He wasn’t trapped with that promise.
I was doing Him a favor, you see. Absolving Him of that responsibility.
He tried several times to just hold me, stroking me and I wanted so badly to take that comfort, to sink into His arms and let His voice soothe me, but each time I started to, the future reared up again. Ugly and dark and filled with moments of tenderness just like this. And I lashed out again, pushing away from Him. Pushing away the tenderness, the niceties, the caresses.
I just can’t live like that. I can’t.
I’d rather be alone. Lonely and unhappy and missing Him than to have to be confronted day in and day out with that… that… romance.
I’ve said before that I’m at my happiest when for all appearances I should be miserable. I don’t know what part of my wiring is fucked up, I’ve given up trying to figure it out. Hurt me, beat me, use me, lock me in a box for a day… do all of that and more, worse, awful things.. but don’t.. do NOT romance me. Don’t be lenient.
Leniency, to me, sends a message of hate, indifference. Nobody can live and thrive in a world of hate.
Treating me like an object, ignoring me… using me at will. I like those things, I really do. But if it doesn’t have an element of pain, or deviance, or purpose…. then it means nothing. I’m not sure if I can explain this clearly.
It’s really a very fine line to walk.
I can be ignored for a few days with the underlying message that I’m being objectified. I’m used as He needs me and then discarded. And then I can be ignored with the underlying message being that He’s lost interest in this.
Both involve being ignored and treated as an object and both are within His rights as Master… but only one scenario fills me as I need to be.
I can be beaten when He wants to, I can be beaten when I’ve been good or I can be beaten only because I’ve tripped His temper and He’s punishing me.
Again, both within the realm of how we live, but only one fills me.
I can be treasured and loved and held and cuddled and valued but not without the absolute truth that I’m expected… required.. to follow my rules, to complete my tasks, to continue on each day as His cunt.
The romance has to be balanced out with the sadism. The leniency has got to stop. Or I’m going to shrivel up and die. I can make it through this difficult path we have in front of us right now. The distance, the job, I can handle the fact that He’s busy and stressed and distracted. I can sit tight and be patient and suffer through it until better days come along. I can do that but damn, He’s got to feed me once in awhile. He’s got to give me something to hope for. Something to keep my sights on.
And that’s where we ended up. He fed me. He fed me very, very well.
Once the hysterics and the panic subsided, once I circled back for the one thousandth time that I need Him, once I finally fell into His arms and cried for the last time.. He fed me.
I needed it so bad. So so desperately. I needed to hurt. I needed to see it in His eyes. I needed to feel His cock stir and lift as He hurt me. More than anything I needed to answer the questions that He whispers against my cheek as I moan in agonizing ecstasy.
“I am Yours. I am Your cunt, Your slave, Your object, Your it.”
“I’m not nothing, not anymore.. I’m whatever You make me”
Whatever You make me.. quickly qualified now with except vanilla!
That’s all I need, nothing more nothing less. Feed me the pain, the words.
I’m no longer limitless.
I am NOT vanilla.
cunt
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