Master comes home in two days but I already know it’ll be another few days of chaos, then He’ll be gone again before I’ve even realized He was here. The separations are wearing thin. I don’t even feel like a slave anymore, let alone a cunt in a cage.
And it’s nobody’s fault, unless you want to blame God and the economy and Life. There’s talk of being able to fix this.. of lessening the travel and the separations but that would mean another move and the kids are quite opposed to that, understandably so. And I feel ripped right down the middle.
Yesterday proved to be a day from Hell. You know, I’ve been driving for 18 years and I’ve proudly proclaimed to anyone who’s made a disparaging remark about female drivers that I’ve never so much as had a fender bender. I’ve never hit anyone or anything, nor have I been hit. Until last night.. when driving on a road I know well, in the fog, and apparently “forgot” about the upcoming curve and stop sign. It just appeared, right in front of me. I had time to slam on the brakes and swerve, and slammed into the guard rail ~hard~ with the front passenger corner. We were all buckled in but got a little banged up. I made sure the kids were ok and other than being freaked out, as was I, they were. There will be some bruises this morning, I’m sure. We were only about two miles or so from home so once I extracted the car from the rail, which took a few back and forths, I drove home.. with something scraping disturbingly against the front tire all the way. Once there, I had to pry the passenger door open so my daughter could get out. The car is mangled, the headlight is pointing at the sky. And the kids were all watching me… closely… asking me over and over again “are you ok,mom?” I had to keep it together, you know? I had to be calm and clear-headed and play it all down in order to keep *them* calm.
The thing is, I didn’t know WHAT to do. I’ve never been in an accident before! I didn’t know if I should have stayed there and called the cops, or wtf. All I kept thinking was “I need Master”.. I NEEDED Him. And I couldn’t even call Him. I can’t reach Him where He is, unless He happens to be in His hotel room, which He wasn’t. I can leave a message and wait for Him to get it and call me back. Then I paced around the house, with the kids following me and hanging on me and I finally snapped at my daughter the last time she asked me if I was ok… I told her she HAD to stop asking me that. Please.
I hate feeling that lost. Hate it hate it hate it. For years and years I was independent and self-reliant because I didn’t want to rely on anyone. Because I hated feeling out of control. Had this happened pre-Master, I probably would have called the police. I mean, that’s what you do right? But my first thought last night was “what does Master want me to do?”.. so I went home.. and waited for His call. Waited for direction.
When He called, I cried. Not so much afraid of what He would say. He was glad that we were all ok. There was just a few seconds of “what were you doing that you weren’t watching the road” but honestly, I don’t recall doing anything.. the rail was just THERE.. but He dropped that very quickly and took over… soothing me and telling me it was ok.. that He would take care of it when He got home.
I’m supposed to take pictures of the car and mail them to Him today. I don’t even want to look at the car.
Then.. shortly after that phone call, a fuse blew. Master showed me once something about fuses but fuck. I was already rattled and couldn’t remember a damn thing. Plus I had to go down into the creepy Blair Witch Basement.. alone.. in the dark.. to the farthest spider web covered corner. I know I was taking my chances with whatever I was doing because I had no CLUE what I was doing. But whatever.. it worked.
I miss my Master. I miss being taken care of. Why does my life seem to be a series of making one person miserable in order to make someone else happy?