Life Sucks.
“…and then the bottom fell out of my world.”
Master leaves this afternoon. This is a 6 to 8 months, or longer, job. He’ll be able to come home every other weekend barring some uncontrollable circumstances. But really, is 4 days a month supposed to be a compensation?
I knew it was coming. I very childishly believed that if I didn’t *say* it, it wouldn’t happen. But it did. It’s today. I feel like I was sucker punched.
I told Master yesterday that I might as well go back to work. It’s not like we couldn’t use the extra income and there seems little point in me sitting at home now. He said I could, but only if it wouldn’t mess with the headspace I am currently in. The ‘cuntspace’. I told Him that my working isn’t what’s going to mess with it. I mean honestly, I don’t see any way to maintain this lifestyle under these circumstances. He got angry. Not at me.. but at the truth of it all.
Does it make me a terrible person to say that for very brief but incredibly strong moments, I think about walking away from my kids and following Him? Yeah.
I’m having waffling moments now… stubbornly deciding that I’m going to drop the whole Master/slave concept (not that He would let me but I’m pushing His control away, feeling abandoned). It’s not fair to spend months breaking me down, getting me to the point of complete dependence and then…. leaving.
And I know… dammit.. I know. Jobs, careers, money, mortgage, kids. Knowing doesn’t make it any easier.
I just keep thinking that if I go back to work now… and for the next FOREVER amount of time we are reduced to bi-weekly overnight visits… pushing for any sort of M/s would be more frustrating than anything. Starkly contrasting what we used to have and what we are stuck with. I know that I would not be able to slip back into cuntspace for 4 days out of the month, when the rest of the time I’m operating as basically a single, responsible parent. My inability to “flip” would irritate and frustrate Him, which would irritate and frustrate me and the whole weekend would be tense and uncomfortable, branded a failure. It seems wiser to drop it.
Maybe we’ll even grow out of it. Maybe He will… or I will.
I’m seeing the stupidity of the whole endeavor.
Oh my god. The panic.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
November 29, 2005 9:06 am
Ouch. . . yeah, this must be incredibly tough. I agree that it would be unbelievably hard to reattain that subspace on a moment’s notice and have it last as fully as you are trying to keep it.
And no, it doesn’t make you weak or bad that you have those moments of wishing you could just leave and follow him. It makes you honest that you admit it.
I know of nothing that will help, only to say that we hear you.
Hmmm. Though you COULD work it out to be a detailed submission exercise. . . maybe he can specify your daily obligations and your daily routing of being the responsible one can be all about serving his desire? No real idea, just shooting wild here.
Good luck to you all.
Thats probably how it will work actually. The last trip He had to take was filled with daily tasks and things like that.
I just know how hard it is. And how much it sucks. And 6 months feels like an eternity today.
Thanks for hearing.
kaya i can understand (on a smaller level) how you are feeling. There are times that Master has to travel for a week at a time, and last year He did it for nearly 2 months. It is so very hard, and i can understand your fear.
i think it makes you human to wish you could follow Him.
i agree with the previous comment. i think it will not keep you in ‘cuntspace’ but i think it will keep you in a certain headspace to have your daily rules and rituals all planned out. Perhaps getting up each morning with the realization that you are honoring Him by making sure everything takes place as it should. Perhaps some different rules each day from Him that you are not aware of, sort of spur of the moment, wear a butt plug today or something like that.
i do not know what else to tell you, but that i do understand (at least on a smaller scale). We are hear for you, and maybe working will help you sort of help to distract you.
Hugs,
aphrodite
Yep, the plugs and things much worse will be my daily chores… it just isnt the same when I have to do it myself.
In fact, it sucks donkey balls to have to do it all myself.
*hugs*
Ok, this one gets the comments … the turkey ones will have to wait.
First and most important – I love you, and will do anything and everything I can to help you. This really sucks rocks, and I know how much it hurts. How scary it must be. Just say the word, and I will do whatever you need me to.
Second, and equally as important – no, it does not make you a terrible person for thinking of that. Even to do it .. to park the kids somewhere for few months and go with Him … you would not be. In fact … why not think about splitting the time in half? Stay there for a couple of months to get everything arranged, then go be with Him for the other four months or so. It won’t kill your kids … nor will it kill you.
(Of course, I have always been one to jump on chances to get rid of my kids. I love them more than life, but fuck me, I so need breaks from their asses. Four months sounds like fucking heaven)
Now, take a deep breath … and think seriously before you start job hunting. I’m not going to start telling you what you should or shouldn’t do – not only is it not my place, but I’m so inexperienced, any advice is liable to be really bad. What I am going to do is think out loud.
I think … (she says, from her *cough* vast store of knowledge in these matters *cough cough*) that there is still a chance to keep your headspace. You are both so strong and determined, I think y’all can actually pull this off – and I think maintaining things as much as possible can only help. I think keeping Him as your main focus, keeping your attention on Him as much as possible, can only deepen the headspace.
I also think there is a reason for this … that the Mother and Father have put this in y’alls path for a reason. There is something to be learned here … and it might be Zen slavery or it might just be how much one little crybaby slavegirl can cry in six months, but all lessons are worth learning.
I’ll cry with you, hold your hand … and kick you in the ass as often as needed. I’ll even point and laugh … just not today.
Today, I will just pull you into my corner, wrap you up in my lap, and love on you.
Blue, I want you as a friend!!!
Seriously, everything blue said is ditto with me – I agree that it can be worked out, and that there is a reason for it.
I know it’s nothing near the same as him being there, but we are here for you to listen and talk when you need it.
That works, as I always want more friends. It’s a pleasure to meet you
Thanks.. *hugs*… it better be a good reason, thats all I can say.
I dont know what I would do without you. You really give me so much. I can’t put it in words, what you mean to me.
Thank you.
You are… “the soy sauce to my rice, the ketchup to my fries, the sprinkles to my ice cream, the gravy to my tators”… you just make everything better.
hugs n kisses
Kaya ~ I am so sorry sweetie I hope that these next few months fly by. I can honestly say I know how you feel. After Master graduated from college the job of his dreams came up. However he had to leave for an 8 month “boot camp”. Yes, those 8 months were really frustrating and lonesome. Missing holidays was hard; not hearing from him for days at a time was hard. But what I focused on was serving him. Slaves were often left back home while Masters traveled on business. You just need to change your head space and focus on the fact that you are his property and he is leaving you in his home and expecting you to take care of his responsibilities. By doing that you are allowing him to focus on what he needs to without worry. I use to tell Master that I wished I could do more while he was gone and he would tell me if I wasn’t doing what I was then he couldn’t do what he needed to. (Please I’m saying this to try and help and by no means mean any disrespect…lol I am going to say it like I would to my best friend) Maybe think of it like this…He is still treating you like a “cunt in a cage” by leaving you home to do the grunt work. Sure it would be more fun to be with him but this is what he wants and needs his property to do right now. I’m not sure if he will have access to a computer but if he does there will still be contact and he can still email expectations and routines and you can still journal. What isn’t there is the daily physical contact but in my heart I think submission is 90% mental anyway. Maybe this will be a good challenge for him to test his abilities… Grins ya know they need to be tested too ~winks~ okay I will shut up and stop babbling and if I totally pissed you off I am sorry… hang in there and hopefully time will go by fast.
intricate pieces
Goodness no you didn’t piss me off! I appreciate the comments, the support. And everyone gives me something to think about and puts it into a new perspective and thats what I need… I need to be pulled out of my self-pity because given the chance, I’ll wallow there like a pig on crack.
I am the epitome of greedy selfish whores.
((((kaya)))),
I’m so sorry, this situation does suck bad. From what I have read, you and your Master are both strong enough to make it through this. It’s gonna be hard, but you can do it.
This could be a tremendous exercise in your submission, and you just might benefit from it.
As for working outside he home… this is just my little ol’ opinion… it can mess with the headspace. I know it affected me when M had me start working (my working is a financial necessity). It can have a tendancy to make one ‘self-rightous’, which doesn’t go well with being a slave. Occassionally thoughts creep up in me that I work just as hard as He does, I can do or buy whatever the hell I want… and the vanilla mindset creeps in. But this is ONLY my experience. I’m not trying to make your decision more difficult. You might think of it as yet another way to serve your Master.
Enough babbling.
Take care,
sk
Oh I already know how working will affect me. That was the reason He made me quit in the first place. It’s just as bad as you say…. and not fitting for a slave at all.
Scares the hell out of me.
If thats how you feel then why would you work?
Life sucks
kaya,
I am sorry to hear your Master is going to be working so much and such little time together. I know this is a tough time of year for most people. I’m having a hard time coping with it myself. The holidays can make a extra tough time but even tougher with little time with your Master…
Re: Life sucks
Thanks.. *hugs*
Not about this post
I’ve added pure-blue as a friend and was reading her posts. She did a post on 10/17 about an article/email that she said she had gotten from you but her computer crashed and ate it. I was hoping you may still have it?
Kaya,
First off, I’ve not read anything by you before, one of my ladies was discussing your situation with me and that’s how I came to read your latest post. Also, let me say that it’s clear your master and I have radically different styles. I say this because if you read what I write and wonder how it’s relevant to you, I’d take that as a sign that in your situation it isn’t, so you should just ignore it. With that caveat, if this were MY ladies I would tell them this……
I think you should try to look at it from farther back. The “Big picture”. I also think you might benefit from trying to consciously change your attitude towards the whole thing. I know how hard that is, but try. First, look at it from what I would think is his point of view. Yes, it “sucks donkey balls” as you put it, but certainly it does for him as well. He’ll have no one to look after him, to see to his comforts after a long hard day, possibly he’ll feel very isolated and alone. After all, even if he finds lifestyle people wherever he’s assigned for the time, he isn’t able to look after his family. Not able to shield himself from the trials of life by wrapping himself in their love at the end of the day. For me at least, that was always very hard.
Now, try to control your own viewpoint. Again quite possibly you don’t, but I must comment here as if you two operate on at least a similar premise as my family does. Rather than using this situation to justify “Seeing the stupidity of the whole endeavor”, look at it rather from the point of view of “Thank God we do this”. However far apart from you he is, the goals shouldn’t change. You are supposed to be weaving a life that resembles what you dream of, until you’ve made the dream a reality. This is just one of the sacrifices you are forced to make to achieve that ultimate goal. This separation can as easily be a shared sacrifice suffered by each of you together, endured as a devoted master and his loyal and obedient and very courageous slave. Viewed in that light, you can use this situation as a tie that binds you closer, instead of feeling it as a wedge that drives you apart.
In any case, I wish you well and will hope the best for you.