“…and then the bottom fell out of my world.”
Master leaves this afternoon. This is a 6 to 8 months, or longer, job. He’ll be able to come home every other weekend barring some uncontrollable circumstances. But really, is 4 days a month supposed to be a compensation?
I knew it was coming. I very childishly believed that if I didn’t *say* it, it wouldn’t happen. But it did. It’s today. I feel like I was sucker punched.
I told Master yesterday that I might as well go back to work. It’s not like we couldn’t use the extra income and there seems little point in me sitting at home now. He said I could, but only if it wouldn’t mess with the headspace I am currently in. The ‘cuntspace’. I told Him that my working isn’t what’s going to mess with it. I mean honestly, I don’t see any way to maintain this lifestyle under these circumstances. He got angry. Not at me.. but at the truth of it all.
Does it make me a terrible person to say that for very brief but incredibly strong moments, I think about walking away from my kids and following Him? Yeah.
I’m having waffling moments now… stubbornly deciding that I’m going to drop the whole Master/slave concept (not that He would let me but I’m pushing His control away, feeling abandoned). It’s not fair to spend months breaking me down, getting me to the point of complete dependence and then…. leaving.
And I know… dammit.. I know. Jobs, careers, money, mortgage, kids. Knowing doesn’t make it any easier.
I just keep thinking that if I go back to work now… and for the next FOREVER amount of time we are reduced to bi-weekly overnight visits… pushing for any sort of M/s would be more frustrating than anything. Starkly contrasting what we used to have and what we are stuck with. I know that I would not be able to slip back into cuntspace for 4 days out of the month, when the rest of the time I’m operating as basically a single, responsible parent. My inability to “flip” would irritate and frustrate Him, which would irritate and frustrate me and the whole weekend would be tense and uncomfortable, branded a failure. It seems wiser to drop it.
Maybe we’ll even grow out of it. Maybe He will… or I will.
I’m seeing the stupidity of the whole endeavor.
Oh my god. The panic.