Games.
(inspired by rose…*smiles*)
Your entry really touched me.. and made me think and question and wonder.. as you always seem to do, with your words and thoughts and perspective. Just one of the many things I love about you rose.
I, too, have been over and over the ‘game’ question. I’ve recited to myself, and to those who listen to me blather that I am NOT, will NOT play the bdsm game. But the game players are out there, for sure. And it’s near impossible to have not run into one or three. But I am seeing ‘game-playing’ in much much simpler terms than you spoke of. The players take only what is to their advantage.. and leave the hard stuff… like it isn’t there. Refusing even to acknowledge that it exists. BDSM is something they pick apart, wittle away, and reduce to the pieces and sections that they like, while the rest, the meat of it, is chucked out the window.
But I’ve been sitting here, trying to define to myself what the “meat” of it is… and I am blanking out on the words. It’s not the actions.. the scenes, the chores, the rules. All of that varies so much from one relationship to the next. And those superficial needs can be met by a Dom/me for hire.
The deeper needs.. the meatier needs… in the emotion, the devotion on the part of Dom and sub to serve those needs, putting the time into working through each and every issue as it arises and coming up with a solution that benefits both parties, getting over-all enjoyment out of your lifestyle even when you add in the not-so-good times.
That seems inadequate yet. Words fail me.
rose, you said “Once my belief began to fray… and then unravel… it was over.”
The power was in that you *believed* he had power, you gave him the power. Without your cooperation.. in allowing those things to happen… it wouldn’t have. Perhaps BDSM works the same way. I believe in His power. I allow His power to control me. It’s my belief that I am slave. When I begin to doubt Him, His dedication to our lifestyle, His power… or doubt my own self, in my choices of life… the BDSM WILL unravel. Of that I have no doubt. Does that make it a game still? If so… what in life is *not* a game? AND if so… not a bad game, I agree.
Is there a choice to not play, you think? Not just in BDSM.. if game playing snakes into every area of life… is a marriage *just* a roleplay of husband and wife… playing mom and dad.. playing house…to fake orgasms?… going to work.. and pretending.. to enjoy it? to enjoy your co-workers?.. to like your boss. Can I say… “I do NOT roleplay as a slave, I LIVE it”… and be immune from the game? I don’t think so. To someone, somewhere, who would see themselves as MORE dedicated than I to the “lifestyle”… I AM a gameplayer.
I’m trying to determine if that knowledge bothers me.
kaya
Uncategorized | kaya | 
May 17, 2005 4:01 pm
wow.. you wrote this on the 17TH!!! Where was the notice of this in my hotmail inbox???
my whole cult-outpouring was written with a very self-defensive, S/self-defensive attitude and spirit, but certainly honest, and from my strongest inner place.
i agree with everything you wrote in this entry.
one of my hang-ups is that it DOES bother me to know i am a gameplayer. It bothers me even more that CO is.
“The deeper needs.. the meatier needs… in the emotion, the devotion on the part of Dom and sub to serve those needs, putting the time into working through each and every issue as it arises and coming up with a solution that benefits both parties, getting over-all enjoyment out of your lifestyle even when you add in the not-so-good times.”
Insert “Husband and wife” into that and, it could be the viewpoint of a loving and committed vanilla couple.
And that’s so interesting to me, kaya, and intimately significant because of who CO and i are. He is an iron-handed but gloriously loving, dominant man who has no regard or need for the formalized BDSM Lifestyle. i have been directly told that he is, matter of factly, by definition, not a Dom.
Then, there’s me. i have been told, also directly, that i am authentic, i am a born submissive, i am real, i am a natural sub, i am this and that.
Well, what the fuck am i doing with HIM? And the expressions of concern are still coming in…
This is exactly what my cult-post was about.
i pick CO above BDSM since that is the way it has been outlined to me… my choices, and their consequences, my loving him and choosing to remain with him even after bigger and better things were shown and offered to me.
am i pretending to be in love with him? am i pretending to be happy? am i pretending that He has the grip on me, as a submissive woman, (and more than JUST a submissive woman) which satisfies and surpasses my need to serve and honor and love a Dom? no. i’m not.
But that makes me remember and think about times when, in confidence and great trust, i expressed wants and unmet needs i have had… and have… and WILL have for perhaps a longgggg time to come. What i heard in response was not support and encouragement; no suggestions of how to bear up; to keep my love and commitment to Him; no ideas of how to maintain the honor of His collar; no offers to speak with HIM to offer help or suggestions or friendly counsel; no expressions to remind that this is hard for Him, too… but, rather, i got pointed to see that and how and why i will never be happy, will never become who i could become, will never have opportunities to experience the stuff of my cravings and desires and fantasies, because of Him, because He is not “a Dom”.
Know what i did then? i hid my dismay and confusion. i buried it. i tuned it out, turned it off, wishing and even pretending, in a state of suspended disbelief that this was possible and happening. i rationalized, “this is being said in my best interest,” “this is for my good,” “this is meant to help me.” i even went so far as to talk to myself, telling myself that i could respectfully balance conversations and the content and knowledge of those conversations by myself without disclosing them fully to CO. All the while, painfully uncomfortable.
It’s interesting that nothing i heard, none of the specifics were new to me. not one. i had already thought and considered, wrestled with, and bravely faced all the problems i was hearing offered to me as reasons why our match was not a good one. But, damn, in the end didn’t i decide on a different answer?
i, too, believe BDSM works this way, kaya. belief maintains and in it is a very awesome power. belief, not only in one’s own Dom/me or Mistress or Master, but, in the other Lifestyle Ppeople we place our confidence and trust in, too.
i believe in CO.
i will never ever forget the grilling you got once, and how you answered everything put to you and maintained such dignity without cowing… and did such honor to your Master on that day. i have not done nearly so honorably toward CO. i weep for this now.
i love you. thank you for your post to my post. i regret having missed it here for so long.
justrose
eh. this is an old entry – but -
You shouldn’t play the kinkier than thou game. Everybody takes bits and pieces of *everything* to figure out what turns them on, and discards the stuff that doesn’t.
And that’s okay. And life would be pretty boring if we all came in one flavor – right?