Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

Starting Anew

Today, I start a new journal. Again. I’ve started and stopped several over the last few months. Some were lost due to comp issues, some I deleted because I’m temperamental like that. But today… it’s a new beginning with a new journal (my first ever “public” journal) and I vow to write in it three times a week, as Master requested. I vow to try anyway.

Last night, I slept in bondage. For quite some time now I’ve slept with a collar locked to a chain locked to the headboard. The length of the chain has varied, from enough length to walk around the room to so short that I can’t sit up. I actually prefer it on the shorter side (hint hint Master) because the weight of the chain tends to pull on the collar. It was surprisingly easy to become comfortable sleeping with the collar and chain, so much so that I can’t get comfy without it now. It’s a reassuring weight, to me, in the middle of the night. And a bit of a mindfuck to have to beg to be unlocked for a midnight potty break. But anyway, back to the point.

Last night, I slept in bondage. Master chained my ankles to the footboard with the leather ankle cuffs, my hands were chained together with the leather wrist cuffs, attached to the headboard, along with the collar also chained to the headboard. Once the chains all warmed up, besides being noisy, it was really a very restful night. I’m not sure if I slept so well because I was exhausted, or because the chains were *that* comfortable. I guess we will find out next time. I do know that all day, remembering the clink of the chains, the brief flash of cold when I would roll on one, the few times I woke just enough to remember that “no, I can’t roll that way” or “no, I can’t bend my knees that high” was enough to keep me squirming and juicy. I’d like to experiment more with other types of sleeping bondage please Sir… :)

12 Responses to “Starting Anew”

  • Anonymous

    chained through the night


    I wanted to post here because of what you said about liking to be restricted so completely while sleeping, I am a nurse practitioner by trade dear and I wanted to say something, (please don’t think i am being pushy this is a safety issue).
    The human body really needs the ability to turn and move in the sleep state, if you do without the proper amount of night time movement you can end up with some back problems later on. I realize that some people may think it is intrusive of me to say this but I treat people who are victims of their own desires and it can get to be too much for the body.
    Best to your Master and be safe guys even when your kinky, (smiling).

    • kaya

      Re: chained through the night

      Thank you for the advice. There is nothing wrong or pushy about offering health and/or safety advice, IMO.
      We don’t do the heavy bondage every night, for some of the reasons that you stated. It is uncomfortable and it does disrupt both mine and Master’s sleep. We pretty well keep that limited to nights when we have the next day off of work. I DO sleep in my collar, chained to the bed every night though but it’s not restricting my movement at all (Unless you count trying to get out of bed, but then that is the point of it all…*grins*).
      Anyway, I do appreciate the concern. Thanks.

  • daddysgirl

    I’m hiding this way back in here if you don’t mind. I have some questions.

    Do you address your Master with “Master” in front of others (Your family, your children, etc)? If not, may I please ask what “title” you use in front of them?

    How much of you being a slave do your children see?

    Do your children know about you being a slave? If not, how do you keep it from them?

    What will your life look like (as far as you can tell) when your children have moved out to live on their own?

    Do you see your Master as (a/your) God?

    Does your Master ever lend you out?

    With children in the house, where and how do you keep the box and the cage? What about all the other toys and things like for instance a hook to attach a chain to?

    Perhaps I should e-mail you instead of burying things like this in your journal. Are you allowed to receive e-mails from crazy Dutch girls?



    • daddysgirl

      I just re-read my babbling and it seems to me that all of my questions are similar.

      I hope you had a wonderful start of the new year.

    • kaya

      Hey sweety :)

      I can get emails from crazy dutchgirls..lol. Especially now that I’ve asked. ;)

      I do not call Him Master or Sir within earshot. I actually call Him “Dear” which is the term He gave me when He discussed with me this very issue. Though it seems so normal to say “yes Dear”, He and I both know what I would be saying and what I really mean. And it’s just as difficult to get out a “yes Dear” (as it would be to say “yes Master”) when I’m upset or angry and wanting to protest instead.

      My children see that what I describe as an old-fashioned marriage. I do serve Him and I am sub-servient to His decisions. The housework is my “job”, cooking, cleaning, etc. I do other things in front of them…like I’ll sit down on the floor and take His shoes off or rub His feet but I play it off as just being affectionate. Master and I are very touchy-feely and they are used to that. It’s no big thing for me to give Him a back rub or to sit on the floor and lean on His leg while He strokes my hair. It’s very common here. The kids occasionally offer up a protest (most recently my daughter expressed disdain for how I respond to Him snapping His fingers and pointing at something “and treating you like a dog Mom!”, which I argue that if its something that doesnt bother me and that I like, why should it bother them? That seems to be enough of an explanation to soothe the kids. They really only want me to be happy anyway.

      The kids know a lot I think. They have seen and read and heard things.. and found toys! They don’t come right out and ask direct questions and I don’t offer extra information. I will answer anything they ask and I make sure they know that I am the happiest I have ever been and they appreciate that and leave it alone. It helps, also, that Master can be very loving and romantic (especially if they are watching) so they can balance the “kink” against the really normal and loving marriage we show them.

      What I see my life being like after they are grown is quite literally the “cunt in a cage”. That’s not just a mindset we are after but an actuality as well. I will be caged or boxed most of the time, and taken out as He needs me. Honestly, I can’t wait. :D

      Master is absolutely my God. It’s He that holds power over my life, not the more traditional version of God. I worship Him, I pray to Him, I appeal to Him, I beg Him. He holds my life in His hands. My personal Jesus. :-)

      Master has not loaned me out as of yet. Except for one time as a spanking test subject for a man and a woman trying to learn caning.. and honestly, that was a nice break..lol. They didn’t swing near as hard as He does! But He talks occasionally of loaning me out and I think if He knew the right people and was 100% positive that they were disease-free and could be trusted to not break me beyond repair, He would let them use me. I can easily see that as being a part of my future.

      –cont. on the next comment

      • kaya

        The cage we have is Master’s dog’s old kennel cage. So the kids aren’t extra-curious as to why we have it. It comes apart fairly easily and sits in the store room. They don’t think anything of it. The ‘box’ has previously been the floor of our bedroom closet. It will soon be a tiny cupboard built under the stairs in the basement (which is where our bedroom is going to be) and I don’t plan on letting the kids know it’s even there. Any other bondage funiture will have to wait until they move out I think. Master is dying to have a St. Andrew’s cross but I can’t think of any way to disguise that!

        The kids just don’t seem to notice the hooks and things like that. I don’t know if they see them and just don’t ask or if they really are that unobservent. The good thing is that we are moving our bedroom into the basement which already has lots and lots of hooks in the ceiling beams that we are just going to leave there. How convenient huh? :D

        The rest of our toys are locked in a large wooden storage box that the kids believe holds Master’s gun collection. I never leave the key where they can get it; if I leave the house I take the key with me and if I’m home, they can’t get near it as it’s in our bedroom.

        Heh. That’s fun. I like answering questions. But Master is giving me that “look” so I better run..lol

        If you have any more, feel free to ask!


        • daddysgirl

          I’m going to respond more to what you answered but I just wanted to leave you a quick little thank you note for answering my questions. If you had a chance to read my last two posts you know why I asked some of them. I will probably ask more in the future if you don’t mind. Hehe.

          Whenever we are with others, I use “darling”. I think it’s so nice to know that you have a similar way of addressing your Master. It’s difficult to be disrespectful if you have to add “darling” behind everything. I think that’s one of the reasons why he chose that word, years ago. ;)

          My owner says hello to you both. (It feels so strange to use these words instead of Daddy. I even feel a bit silly. How strange!)

          Please offer my regards to your Master. Please thank him for me, for allowing me to write to you. It is very much appreciated.


  • being_elodie

    Dear kaya;

    I’ve made two comments with some questions on Jan 8 in here. I’m assuming that you either didn’t notice them or you aren’t allowed to reply to them so I’m going to delete them again. :)

    I’m glad that you had the kitty fixed. I hope he’s doing okay. I am always so worried when they go in for an operation.

    Okay, going to send this now. Hopefully you will receive it.


    • kaya

      Honey I am never (or at least rarely) forbidden from answering questions. I most likely missed them?

      I don’t check the blog post for comments, I go to my email and often times, Master will have read my emails first so I miss some now and then because they don’t show as “new emails” anymore. Also, LJ messes up now and then and doesn’t mail a comment. I don’t know how many times I’ve gone back to a post for some reason or another and seen a comment that I never got in my inbox.

      I’m sorry and if you want to ask me again, I’d sure be interested in answering. It could also be that I *did* see the comment and then promptly forgot about it. Which is nothing against you, I swear, I have a really bad short term memory (for a reason that’s a very long story) but it does happen.

      I’m so sorry. :(

      • being_elodie

        No need to apologize. I wasn’t feeling like you have anything against me or anything. I genuinely assumed that you weren’t allowed to answer them in which case I thought I’d better delete them or that you never noticed them in which case they were just sitting there and being the anal person that I am, I need everything in some sort of weird balance and so I deleted them.

        I understand about the not noticing a comment in the mailbox when it has already been read. I’ve had that as well a couple of times. I also had LJ not send me comments every now and then which is even more annoying because then there’s almost now way of noticing a buried comment.

        Burying comments aren’t the best way to communicate anyway. If only I wasn’t so awfully shy.

        Anyway, I hope you didn’t think I was mad or anything. I just thought like “oh, okay. I’d better delete them so the journal looks all balancy again”. Yes, I’m weird.

  • Anonymous



    heteara didn’t know how else to reach you, so here she is.

    This girl wanted to extend a heartfelt apology to you and your Master for being so horribly rude with regards to your comments on TSR. The “absolutist” ideal of slavery is something that touched a nerve with this girl, and your comments REALLY hit home to her. hetaera transfered her anger to you and to others with the same philosophy as her Master, in rebellion towards Him.

    In retrospect, this girl can hardly believe she reacted the way she did – as if she was a different person. The entire experience has been exhausting and clarifying to her. She has learned much through your posting and commentary, and hopes your Master will allow you to come back to TSR at some point where your awareness and insight has been educational to inexperienced snarkey newbies like myself.

    Again, my deepest apologies. Please come back!



    • kaya

      Re: Apology

      I don’t know if you’ll come back here and read this but I don’t know how else to respond to you.

      I appreciate the apology but it’s really not necessary. You didn’t do anything wrong. The purpose of the message board is to share thoughts and feelings, even those that are less than pleasant. It’s just that I don’t want to participate in that in *another* place.

      The journal gives me enough of that, and I do expect that here. I had wanted TSR to be a place where I didn’t have to deal with that. Not just for me, personally, but for anyone. I understand that it’s a board for learning and all of that, and it was unrealistic of me to expect it to be anything else.

      I doubt that Master will ever let me back, but that’s not anyone’s fault. Certainly not yours, nor anyone else on the board. The place simply wasn’t what I wanted it to be *for me*. And rather than let it carry over and affect my service here at home, it’s just better to leave, you know? I wish I hadn’t of posted anything at all when I left because the last thing I had wanted was a “drama-fest”, but that’s what I accomplished anyway.

      I hope, if you want, that you can read here, and if you have, or start, a blog I’d like to read it. We really aren’t enemies in the life. Just.. different. And learning. Always learning. Me too. :)

      Thank you.


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