Under His Hand

The journal of a slave


Do any of you ever go through a mood, where you crave *something*, some part of bdsm yet nothing seems to satisfy it just right? A scene seems lacking or discipline doesn’t seem quite strict enough. Not that the session wasn’t good… just not good enough.

It’s not a complaint really. How could I expect Master to know what it is I need when I can’t even explain it to myself. Maybe it’s just the addiction.. the more you have, the more you want, always searching for something to take you higher, push you harder.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I just felt out of sorts. For no particular reason I just felt like I needed to be reminded of who was in charge. I hate when I get like that but can’t seem to stop myself. So I push and push. Ignore the rules, challenge the requests. Master was right on top of it. Every turn I made, He turned me back to where I belong. I “got away” with nothing, so why, at the end of the night, did I still feel like I was all alone?

I think I have some pretty strict rules. Stricter than some I know, less than others of course. If I sit back and look at it objectively there is no way that I can kid myself into thinking that I am not “controlled enough”. Do you really get so used to the standard rules that you can’t see them anymore? I told Master yesterday “You don’t care what I do”. He challenged me to name a time when I had done *anything* without asking first. I couldn’t. I can’t even say that we aren’t playing enough because even with kids and jobs, we sneak in something almost every day. I don’t know. I just hate that dissatisfied part of me.

Because of space-issues and curious kids, Master and I had taken the cage out of our bdsm equation. We talked some last night about bringing it back, making it fit. I really really love the cage. It’s simply the most basic and easiest way to get me to feel objectified. And being able to shut the rest of the world out, letting me focus entirely on being His property is a head-space that I miss terribly. No other bondage or restriction can take me there like the cage. I’m excited about it. I hope that wasn’t just heat of the moment kind of talk.

I only posted twice last week but since I did so much work on the website, Master dropped the three-a-week requirement, just for last week though. Like Conor has been saying.. the week gets away from you and all of a sudden you are scrambling to get it in. Hey Conor.. maybe we could send each other little reminders. Something like.. “It’s Thursday. Do you know how many posts you have?”…lol.


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