“Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep”
I haven’t been allowed to shave my cootch for… awhile. A few weeks anyway. The cum coated cunt photo, if you look real close, shows the fuzz on the “horizon”.
I don’t know why he’s not letting me shave. Some whim, or wild hair up his ass, or.. whatever. I’ve never understood his back and forth preferences on pubic hair. I gave up trying to understand it.
In fact, I’m currently in a place where the why of anything is just too much work for my head. That’s unusual for me, considering that I’m the “But why?” poster child. I don’t think it’s that I don’t want to know the why anymore as much as I know that even if I get the why it doesn’t matter.
“Because I said so” seems a sufficient answer these days. Talk about coming full circle. The last time that answer worked I was about 5 years old.
So I have a hairy crotch. It’s beginning to “fluff”. You know, like padding. I can feel it through my clothes, all poofy and squishy. Normally this is about where I tend to get grossed out.
But I’m not. Because… I’m actually enjoying *not* shaving. That’s real maintenance! Shaving is a constant, on-going project. Time and effort and expense and.. and.. just.. stuff.
(Please, no recommendations for waxing or lasering or any of that. It ain’t happenin’, ok? Not ever. At least, not if I have anything to say about it.)
So now, instead of waiting on pins and needles for permission to shave, I’m dreading when I get permission to shave. I don’t wanna. “Au natural” is in, isn’t it? ;-)
I think, maybe, I can attribute this new-found peace I’m experiencing to a series of hard truths I’ve read lately. First read on sommar’s journal (locked, sorry, no linkie), a set of quotes lifted from TSR.
The exchange orginated with the question of “what then?” What happens when the Dom is satisfied that the slave has reached “perfection” (in the Dom’s eyes). What happens to the challenge for the slave, does the Dom end up needing to come up with new ways to reinforce the slave’s position, new rules, new tasks, new whatever, in an effort to keep the slave happy.
And I saw myself in that. A lot of myself, I’m ashamed to say. Always on a quest to feel enslaved, finding something more extreme, more edgy, anything to push the “harder, deeper, faster” button.
And then I read this, by Raven Kaldera.
“How about this for an exchange?
Slave: I don’t feel challenged enough. Everything I’m doing has become comfortable and boring. It’s too easy. I don’t feel like a real slave, being made to do painful things.
Dom/me: Look, I’m in charge here, and what I say goes. And I want a slave who is happy and content with their lot, even if that lot is just to do the same hundred services for me for the rest of their life. So if you want a challenge, how about getting rid of that attitude you just spouted, and taking on a new attitude of being content with whatever you’re given? How’s that for a challenge? That ought to keep you busy for a while.”
To hopefully end up thinking this:
“This isn’t the way I wanted things to go – and they’re going the way my owner wants them, even though I hate that – and that means that I’m the slave, and that’s paradoxically terribly satisfying to me!”
Interesting, isn’t it, that letting go of the “harder, deeper, faster” button has presented the hardest challenge of all. Not one that’s going to earn me a place on the Olympic Painslut team though. The extreme challenge is in just.. letting go.
I mean, you think you’ve done it, you know? You think you’re already there and have already relinqushed everything there is to relinquish and you’re already doing it his way.. and blah blah blah…
Until you realize that you aren’t.
I keep peeling back layer after layer and finding things I didn’t even know were there. Bits of resistance and pieces of stubborn selfishness and crumbs of me-me-me. And I’m really okay with this too, with seeing my own imperfections, because it’s with a neat-o kind of clarity that I’d been missing before.
So! Onward we go, one layer at a time.
~cunt
LikeTags: M/s rambles, reflection
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday November 27th, 2007 10:58am
i really like the new “you” that has emerged with this new site. You seem more………..
content.
If sommar is the former “sommar of bjorn” that was on LJ, tell her i said Hi. i miss her writings and would love to still read about them, but i totally understand.
And IF anyone EVER figures our the cooter hair thing that Dom’s have – they will have solved one of the great mysteries of life.
Master said He liked one that was trimmed, even described how He liked it to look. So, i trimmed and proudly showed Him. He loved it, for about a week, and then said – Ok, stop shaving and grow it out.
Maybe it is like everything else. They control it because —- they can.
“just because”… yep… the magic words. ;-)
Layers! Like a cake! No layers like an onion But cakes are more fun! Nope like an onion. Sorry having a Shrek moment.
i like that you’re doing a lot of reflection. Finding your inner-self as it were. It’s amazing when you look inside the kinds of things you find. You’re amazed to see what you were as opposed what you have become. Personal growth is an interesting and complicated thing. Just when you think you’ve reached your pinnacle, you find that there’s something more, some small thing that pushes you forward into more growth.
The hardest part of personal growth, is hoping that the ones around you appreciate that personal growth and mold it and feed it. As a sub/slave, we all strive to perfection for our Masters. i’m saying that even when we’ve reach the pinnacle (or what we thought was the pinnacle), there’s still more growth. If anyone says otherwise they’re full of shit. It’s like saying you’ve learned all there is to learn about Domination and/or submission. Ain’t gonna happen, ya know?
Thanks for inspiring my ramblings. And again, i love your inner-self reflection.
~His bits
Hey.. did you get my email? No pressure to reply, just checking is all.
Master has some saying about the day you stop learning, but for the moment it escapes me. Something about curling up and dying I think..lol ;-)
Hey Kaya!
Even though you’ve moved away from LJ, we are still so much on track together.
This one’s a really hard step, isn’t it! I’m struggling with it daily. Mostly I’m doing okay — well, even — but I’ve made some heinous mistakes, too. And I hate those!
Oh, did you get my emails? I sent you two a little while ago….
I did get them! I’ll reply soonest. :D
I’m glad you still read me here. I’d be sad if you didn’t. :)
Of course I still read you here! Silly kaya — you’re my favorite blog! :D
Excellent blog, kaya. Really, really excellent.
Thank you.
And, btw, I also love the change since you moved. Brava, hunny.
xoxo
Thanks! :D
It’s incredible how you can take something as simple as shaving and turn it into a well-reasoned series of musings on the nature of submission and PE.
I had been used to feeling all “Barbie-doll” down there and Master seemed happy with it. But when I moved up here to be with him I couldn’t find a place that I was comfortable with. So I slowly became more and more “au naturel.”
Master doesn’t keep himself shaved per se, but he does keep the hair very short (for personal cleanliness reasons). So, last time he was trimming up the hairs, He told me to get the spots he has difficulty reaching.
Before I knew it, I was lying on my bound hands, legs secured to the bedposts while he gently trimmed about my tender nether regions with a pair of electric trimmers.
You don’t know what helpless is until you find yourself secured down with a bladed electric device tickling your clitoris. Did I mention that it vibrates?
So, even regular hygiene can be turned into a BDSM fun with the right creatively minded pair!
As usual, I’m talking about myself when I should be commenting on your post. But I can’t delve into what you said any better than you did (we’re not worthy)! And I thought you’d find our little game amusing… ah well, you can always delete this if it’s too OT…
I love to hear stories like this. You don’t have to limit your comment to my posts! Tell me *everything*..lol
Having been tied up and shaved down there before I can tell you that I DON’T LIKE IT. At all. It’s scary shit! I get the same feeling when he takes to scraping wax (candle wax) off my private bits with his knife. One wrong slip and I’m clit-less! I’d rather be doing just about anything else than that. ;-)
i can completely relate and have been thinking some very similiar thoughts lately, though you always say everything much better than i ever could.
I’m in good company with my thinking then. :-)
Welcome to this side of the divide where you just go where they take you because you do because it is where they take you, and then you wonder when you quit wondering about wondering about everything…
swan
It’s quite peaceful on this side of the divide. Think I’ll stay awhile.
This was a great entry and a great insight into that head of yours.
Thank you darling. :)
Kaya,
This was so cool. I’ve seen several people discuss the dichotomy between intensity and submission (I’m exploring this in my latest stories). This was one of the best I’ve seen. I wonder if everyone goes through a period of believing that better submission/slavery means a more intense submission/slavery. I think, as I you are finding out, better slavery means simply taking the obediance and internalizing it until the enjoyment comes from the obeying alone, no matter what it is.
BTW I recieved the CD and it is fantastic!
Yay! I’m glad you got the CD.
I do think everyone goes through that period. And, I also think a lot of people get stuck right there and never move past it. This step here is really difficult. More difficult than it sounds.
Sitting here clapping and cheering… fantastic posting!!
M’s definitely a ‘if I want more, or different, I’ll tell you….your job is to just to continue happily doing what you’re doing unless I tell you otherwise’ kinda guy.
I think its possible to sometimes get caught up in an internal competitiveness when we see or read what others do, or are struggling with. Maybe we fear that if we ARE content and happy, not constantly struggling with something, we’re somehow not getting it…. not being ‘real’….or becoming complacent. I’m equally certain much of that feeling disappears the more ‘centred’ we become….achieving that new found peace you’ve spoken of (isn’t it a lovely place to be ..hugs).
Some of the biggest challenges I’ve faced with M have nothing to do with hard ‘play’ (though there’s plenty of that too…lol), they’ve been with the very thing you’ve written about here.. and peeling away the layers.
Brava for this posting kaya… and thank you for continuing to share. … love and hugs xxx
I agree with that competition. And so many people don’t ever break free of it either.
These are the biggest challenges, but the ones that also bring the most internalized sense of slavery yet. What a journey this is, eh?
The hair thing…
It’s not just because we can. Well, least not for me.
I do it because it’s something that he can’t stand.
He likes to keep his hair trimmed or shaved. The least bit of stubble or growth happens he’s ready to race for his razor. Granted, I love having him completely shaved but every now and then I deny him the use of his razor and make him grow it out.
It’s kind of fun watching him think and try out different ways of getting permission once more to shave.
As for the harder, deeper and faster button…
Sometimes the mental aspect is the toughest damn thing to get through. And just when you think you’ve gotten it all figured out, gotten to the point that you can handle the status quo… we usually throw something else at you to deal with.
Sierra
So, lemme ask you this because it’s something I’ve been wondering. What happens when he stops trying to find ways to shave and starts enjoying not shaving. Is it going to lessen the pleasure YOU get out of it, if he’s no longer struggling with it?
Won’t lessen the pleasure for me at all, I just find another way of getting my pleasure out of it.
Take for instance hair growth…
Once I see he’s starting to settle into letting the hair grow, and when I see he’s not working as hard to find a way to please me for permission to shave, that’s when I find some way to make that hair growth problem worse for him. One example would be pulling the hair out in some painful manner.
The memory of the first time that I ripped the hair out with wax still makes me smile. :-)
Sierra
Dom/me: Look, I’m in charge here, and what I say goes. And I want a slave who is happy and content with their lot, even if that lot is just to do the same hundred services for me for the rest of their life. So if you want a challenge, how about getting rid of that attitude you just spouted, and taking on a new attitude of being content with whatever you’re given? How’s that for a challenge? That ought to keep you busy for a while.”
Kaya,
Please may i use this in my blog sometime…it’s somewhat what M says all the time and it never really hit me until i read it in your blog…i do the same things all the time, i don’t feel like a slave. But see, the i’s in here…it’s not right is it. It’s what HE wants…..Damn this old dog takes a long time to get things through her thick head sometimes…
glad you are still writing.
love ya. me
Glad you are still reading. :-)
The words aren’t mine so use them as you need to. I quoted Raven Kaldera, give credit that way.
It’s the same here, Master’s told me things in almost the exact same wording and I still stubbornly held onto the “but.. but.. I’M not being challenged!!” The important thing is that we get there eventually, right?
It does me good to see that my struggles are similar to so many who have more experience with this life. Thank you, kaya, for the insights!
nik
Kaya,
I have been reading your site for some time. I started reading you from lisa’s links.
Today your post has really hit something in me. The layers of an onion. I am going to have to remember this always. I am not yet in a D/s realtionship, but, when i am, i am always going to remember this. Thank you.
Your outlook and analogy are wonderful kaya. You say that your site has changed. That sometimes you wonder why you keep this up. Well let me say this, w/ insights such as this for those of us still looking and exploring, they are indeed most valuable.
Thank you
elliot
I’ve often noted how S/M and D/s fit well with much of Chirstian theology (Surrender to God, service, etc) — this is the first time I’ve seen it as something akin to Buddhism. Thanks for the perspective.