“If sex is a pain in the butt, you’re doing it wrong.”
So, I’ve literally been sitting here for a freaking hour trying to convince myself not to use the “r” word. It’s such a touchy word.
I’ve never used it before. I know some people toss it around like it’s meaningless, as casually as saying they had meatloaf for dinner last night, they’ll announce that they were raped before bed.
That’s weird to me. I had made it a point previously to not use the word ’rape’ in my details of my sex life. Not only because I have given Master blanket consent to do whatever whenever He wants and so therefore, it cannot be rape, but also because I feel it trivializes the trauma of rape when it’s used so callously to describe what is actually just “rough sex”.
However. In this case, ’rough sex’ isn’t descriptive enough. I felt raped. The End.
And those people who would object to my use of the word rape based on consent are the same people who will tell me that I cannot possibly give one time consent for all things, that I am in fact consenting on a daily basis, task by task and chore by chore, and so, if that’s how it goes, then I most certainly did not consent and He raped my ass. So there.
This was, quite honestly, the single most painful sexual experience of my life. There was no preparation, no gentleness, no coaxing the ass into cooperation. He wanted what He wanted and He wanted it right then and there was nothing I could do or say to change it. He was brutal, He was mean, He made it hurt and not one second of my tearful pleas swayed His determination to force His large cock into my ass.
He smacked me when I moved, He told me to “take it”, and He told me He was glad it hurt. I cried, I begged, I screamed. And then I got fucked in the ass. It’s been two days and I’m still wiping blood.
I know I signed up for this but that truth doesn’t make things any easier to go through. It doesn’t negate my experiences as painful or traumatic or difficult or worthy of complaining. It ain’t all sunshine and lollipops, least not on my end.
So yeah, I signed up for it, but it still shocks the shit out of me when He uses me for exactly what He wants, no matter how I feel about it. It surprises me when He reminds me that I don’t matter.
Odd that.
~cunt
Friday May 16th, 2008 2:32pm 
mmmmmmmmmm. yummy pic.
*However. In this case, ’rough sex’ isn’t descriptive enough. I felt raped. The End.*
I agree with you 110% on this. It’s a word that packs a wallop and one that I don’t use to be descriptive of being thrown around the room and then fucked hard.
The last time Master did that to me (ass fucking is a once every one or two months thing, thank god), I remember being *shocked*, literally overwhelmed by how disconnected, brutal, and painful it was. And when I realized what was about to happen and that there would be no “pleasantries”, i.e. lots of lube and plugs and stretching and slowness, I begged and remember screaming iloveyoupleasedontdothistome (kinda makes me laugh now but I sure as fuck meant it then) and at some point he took his cock, lubed it up by rubbing it around my nose to get the snot from me crying all over it, (gag), and fucked me until I almost got sick.
There’s just no other way to articulate what I felt and what he did but *rape*. Whether I said yes years ago or not simply does not negate the awfulness of shit like that.
Period.
~magpie
*nod nod nod*
And yet, I’ve hovered over deleting this post about ten times now. Over one word.
Crazy.
That post made me hot and bothered…hee hee hee!
Although I know that it caused pain and anguish, among other things, just thinking about my Master doing that to me makes me incredibly horny.
As for using the word “rape,” well, I have felt that way before; He has taken me and it wasn’t nice, loving, or soft. It hurt really bad, made me feel like nothing, and I felt throughly used when it was over. I fought Him and He still took what He wanted. I know exactly what you mean and have a pretty good idea of how you feel.
Of course afterwards I felt so very small and submissive; I loved it. I hope that once you get over the initial shock of it all, you get to experience that warm, fuzzy feeling, if you haven’t already. Well, that’s my two cents anyways…
I hope that once you get over the initial shock of it all, you get to experience that warm, fuzzy feeling
Does masturbating to the memory count?
Nice to see you here.
Heck yeah it counts!!!
And I love reading your blog, I just don’t comment all too often.
Cripes, kaya. That sounds really difficult. I’m with llama–I hope you got a pleasant afterglow at some point.
Of course I did. I’m a masochist!
Damn girl, i am almost jealous. After 2 years without a M/s relationship, i would love it. i would feel like you do, but afterwards i would still be feeling submissive and well used.
I love it NOW.. just not at the time. But ain’t that how it goes?
I’m just cold in the tummy reading your post…I guess I’m not able to comprehend the devotion involved in “taking it”. I’m sure it would be different in the moment, and I would submit, screaming and crying just as you did, but to have it put out like that? No…no I never would consent to that kind of rough sex, and yes, it would be rape.
I hope you are okay…mentally and physically…
I have to say I agree here and am grateful that my Owner doesn’t do this. For me, it would definitely be rape and the wiping of blood after two days would seriously alarm me. I admit I do have rape fantasies and I admit that I will do just about anything my owner asks of me in this nature or others but wow..I think I would be screaming, kicking, crying to get away.
the wiping of blood after two days would seriously alarm me
Nah. It’s an anal fissure. Or an irritated ‘roid. No biggie if I take care of myself.
I’m grateful that your Owner doesn’t do this to you, too. I’m even more grateful that mine does. I need it.
Well, we all need different things in our relationships, you know? Whatever it is that I get out of this sort of treatment, whatever need it feeds in me, I can’t explain it or rationalize it. Not even to myself.
I am okay. I am more than okay. I can relate the difficulty of the moment and still understand that I’m getting what I need. Does that make sense?
Yes, it does make sense, and I’m so glad to hear it, too. When it really comes down to it, I don’t think I could explain WHY I like any of the M/s play, or why there is a sense of fulfillment. The only real concern, especially when the “r” word is invoked, is that you are truly okay afterwards. *hugs* Thanks for sharing so much…even your hesitations in posting!
“It’s been two days and I’m still wiping blood.”
Another one of those things they don’t write in “Day 2″ of the dirty story.
*snicker*
wtf, chuck? what version of the book did we get?
Thank you for sharing this.
I used to think as well that a slave can’t be raped but after being pushed through certain experiences by my owner I changed my mind. The moment he’s forcing me through a painful traumatic experience I genuinely don’t want it to happen and I will scream “no” and beg him to stop. 9 out of 10 times he will continue pushing me and I consider that rape despite the eternal consent I gave him years ago. I’m not sure if this makes sense and it might look like I’m complaining but I’m not. Perhaps it’s strange but I really need this in my life and it makes me happy. I think I’m a very lucky woman to be owned by a man who understands this.
You’re welcome.
It makes perfect sense – to me. Because I know exactly the need you are talking about. And we are lucky, contrary to what others on the outside may think.
I don’t think you are complaining at all. I don’t think I was either. I think I’m honest and it isn’t always pretty. And that’s really okay. It doesn’t have to be.
Hugs!
Ouch…but yummy at the same time. Reading posts like this makes me realise how similar we are in our reactions to things. Like you, I’d be shocked that he actually *did it* to me, but at the same time I’d add it to my little shelf of ‘pretties’, write a super hot blog about it and pull out the memory whenever the mundane became too mundane.
It sucks that he hurt you so much, but at the same time, you wouldn’t have it any other way, would you?
k
I’d add it to my little shelf of ‘pretties’
Yes! That’s exactly how it is. Ha. I couldn’t think of how to express it. Thanks!
Would it shock you to know I’m already fantasizing about the next time?? And I’ll be just as shocked then, too. I mean, like, gosh, He’s really really a sadist?? Not pretending?
Gets me every time.
hmmmm…
well first and foremost, if you’re still bleeding you need to go to the doctor ASAP. don’t forget, while other wounds can heal without a worry, when it comes to anal it can be bad news bears. there are tons of little bacteria and other critters that can really mess you up if if the get out of the booty and into the blood stream.
secondly, while you are his, perhaps you should reach back to the days of BDSM 101 and create a safty word. something where when things are getting out of conrtol you can put on the breaks. (or atleast slow them down). after all, if what you’re getting is not what you want, then it’s bad, not matter the name
Ah, you miss the point.
First, I do not need to see a doctor. I’m not gushing blood from my butt. I have an anal fissure, probably, which I can also get from having a difficult bowel movement. Or from having anal sex. It’s really okay. But thank you for the concern, I appreciate it. I sincerely mean that.
Second, if I had a safeword, I’d hang up my restraints and call it quits. I don’t GET safewords. At all. Works for some people, more power to them. Not for me, though.
Things were never out of control. Not on His end. And that’s really all that matters. He knew exactly what He was doing, and why, and what it was doing to me.
I’m trying real hard not to read any snark into your advice to go back to BDSM 101. I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way. And likewise, I’m not being a bitch when I advise you to look up the definitions of sadism and masochism, ok? But look them up. Srsly.
I never once said I wasn’t getting what I needed. Nowhere in that post did I even allude to not needing this. I do need it. It’s a real funny (funny weird, not funny ha-ha) attribute of masochism to not enjoy the moment in the moment, but to understand that it’s filling up some empty spot inside of you in a way that nothing else ever will, that nothing else can even come close to touching. So even as I fight it, even as it feels more painful than I think I can bear, even as I cry and beg for it to stop – I need Him to be stronger than that. I’m lucky, so very lucky, that He is, that He can see past the fear, past my surface, and recognize the hunger for what it is. It’s not an easy thing to explain to someone who hasn’t ever felt it. I’m sorry for that. But it is what it is, I am what I am. I don’t need a safeword, I need a sadist.
My only regret? That He had to leave so soon.. and wasn’t able to take me again the next day when I was sore and bruised and torn, purely for the sake of driving it home all the way.
hmmmmm…. i dunno about the whole not seeing a doctor thing, the butt heals pretty quick, to go this many days… better safe than sorry.
and no worries dar’lyn, there was no snark intended in my advice.
as for the safe word, you are right, S/M does do the most to remove that from the equation. i was just thinking of a solution to the situation. (to prevent the “ass rapeing”) but, if there is nothing broke, why fix it?
perhaps maybe a “preventative measure” should be applied. i mean, you clean your self before you’re going to play, what if you have yourself a small squirt of lube, just in case. (a little lube resevouir inside your ass)
*big hugs* i’m glad to hear this is what you needed, and not a regret
“you clean your self before you’re going to play, what if you have yourself a small squirt of lube, just in case. (a little lube resevouir inside your ass)”
I’ve been thinking of this too since my Master likes my ass very much. But the thing is that I can rarely tell when He’s in the mood for using me, so in that case I would have to be prepared with the little reservoir ready at all times and I doubt it it would work. And if/when He finds out He would probably think it took away His fun. *smiles*
I love you for being able to write about the brutality of it all, and for being able to accept that you need it.
I also love you for writing it and putting it out here because it helps me find my own limits that I’m trying to define right now. As much as I fantasize about this, if it happens like this at all in real life, I freak the fuck out, and don’t stop freaking the fuck out.
I hope your bum feels better soon though
(that way he can do it again)
I don’t think I freaked out at all. Weird, you know? It never occured to me to do or say something that would halt it (other than ow ow ow ow, which I said a lot. But I always say ow. That’s like my safety blanket or something. I’m babbling.) Anyway.. yeah, I wish He wouldn’t have had to leave so soon after cuz I think I could have used a repeat of that, just to… I don’t know… rub it in or something.
wow, this was kinda tough to read. i guess it’s too hard for me to wrap my head around what i see as unsafe sex (maybe it’s weird that i think anal sex with force and without lube is less safe than breath play ive seen you talk about). i guess it also means i know what my own limits are… i’d never judge anyone else, but it’s definitely something that’s hard for me to understand and be supportive of, if that makes sense. just can’t wrap my brain around the erotic parts of this (if it’d all been pretend, it’d be hot, but since i’ve read your blog long enough to know this is all very real and you’re being totally honest, it’s harder).
i’m interested to know what you’re thinking now about it all! i’m sure it’s how you feel after that makes some of this awesome and erotic and stuff so… if you’re so inclined to update i’d love to read it.
Now I’m thinking that it was great and I wanna do it again.
I’m interested in why you would find the pretend to be erotic and not the real? I’m just curious what your thoughts are about it. Mind sharing?
i come from a medical background so i guess i know “too much” about anal play (the health risks and the actual anatomy) to really be able to appreciate it as enjoyable risky/RACK play. there’s too much danger involved in forceful anal play.
the fantasy of being dominated forcefully by being taken anally like that is hot to me, but much like (vaginal) rape fantasies and kidnapping fantasies, were they to actually happen, they’d be anything but erotic. but the play and pretend (to flirt with the idea of danger i guess) is damned hot.
not sure if that makes sense. hope it does.
I don’t like the “r” word either. As it reminds me of previous experiences. But sometimes it is the best way to desribe. And I think yours was a perfectly good reason.
I have to tell you…before I clicked the like to you page it gave me related links..These were them:
Ass Rough sex daily journal lube
Lollipops and meatloaf…
I died laughing!
~~jane
*snicker* That’s too funny!
I am so glad that you shared this. I have always wanted to try anal sex, but I’m a chicken shit, every time we have tried it in the past, I freak out, cry and beg for Him to stop. I actually wish that He would just shove it in no matter what, because that would in my opinion help me through the fear.
Perhaps that doesn’t make sense and I’m just weird, but even though the word rape gets a bad rep, for me I think it would be something that would work in my situation.
Does that make me odd?
For give me for replying where you were asking Kaya.
I just wanted to say that for your first time at having anal sex, actions that could create a fissure don’t sound like the best plan to get over your fear. Or for your ass to get used to it. You may even get in the habit of tensing up so much for the remembered pain (anal inner muscle responds to your subconscious) that you either keep tearing every time or/and have to stop doing it.
Your Master’s tastes don’t sound like this is what he is trying to do to you either. Even if for you just going through with it would help your mental state it could be your own bodies limitations that make it not work.
And I know Kaya isn’t posting this to show how it’s done, just how they do it. She isn’t a beginner. (not that you are one but at least at anal)
Oh and nopes you don’t sound odd *grin
~Iflie
Yeah while in my head I think it might have worked, I do know that it wouldn’t, plus I do that Master wouldn’t do that to me. I have enough problem with anal fissures without doing anal.
We have started off with small plugs and that’s been a success and yes I am so new to anal.
I guess sometimes I think something like the “rape” would be a good idea, but then once I stop and think about it more, I’m like, what was I thinking.
Does that make sense?
Hehe, yups makes perfect sense. Going slow when you want something to be over. But sadly with some things you can’t cheat. Sounds like you are doing well with the plugs.
On the other hand it’s probably mainly psychological. I’ve read some stuff by a guy who has a site dedicated to anal play and he is very much into the spirituality of it. In his theory every fear and emotional block is triggered or linked to the sphincter/s. And by getting comfortable allowing things in and focusing on being open you are also letting go of a lot of those, making you stronger.
Whether that is true or not I don’t know but if you learn to relax that place it might also help your issue with fissures. Unless that has to do with diet or weight apparently people mess up their body a bit by clenching too much out of habit.
I guess you have to be extra careful when you are already prone to fissures though. I’ve even read about a girl who couldn’t do anal because she had scar tissue from stretching that made the ass less flexible.
Anyways the go slow is frustrating but your best chance. Good luck with it!
~Iflie
I dont know if you read me way back when, but I was an absolute anal chicken shit. Master spent a LONG time, a year or two I think, working with me. There were butt plugs and slow, SLOW attempts at anal sex. There was a daily plugging schedule that I had to follow, there were small things inserted anally during masturbation.. all things designed to not only loosen me up physically, but mentally as well. It is a lot psychological like Ilfie said. It really helped, and anal sex began to feel good, like.. REALLY good.
I guess I thought I was “cured” and didn’t need to wear the plugs anymore. But it’s been a long time since He’s used me for anal and this time was just.. excruciating. Now He’s putting me back on the butt plugs but I don’t know the schedule yet. *sigh*
So I think it sounds like you are on the right track. Keep up with the plugs, take it slow. Save the forcing part for the fantasies for now..lol
Kaya,
First, let me say that I’m glad to hear that you’re okay, both physically and headspace wise. I understand that you need this type of “use” AND that you hate it when it is actually happening. I write about characters that feel the same way.
I’m facinated by your use of the word rape and your struggle with having done so. What I see is the word being used in two different ways. The “legal” meaning hinges on consent. You gave consent for all time and, something you should be proud of as a slave, you haven’t tried to take it back. In fact, I’m not aware of you having ever wanted to take that consent back.
But, what you expienced, that horrible and blessed ass fucking that had you screaming for it to stop, was a form of rape. I know you don’t have much use for Norman’s serries, but he did coint the operative word (though I’m using it slightly different than he did in Gor), “Slave rape.” Your Master took your brutally in a way that seemed designed to cause maximum pain and anguish, stopping a hair’s breadth short of serious injury. OF COURSE you feel raped. The last thing you should feel is like your cheapening the experiences of those who have suffered non-concensual rape” (for the lack of a better term). The feeling evoked by your Master are the very same feelings that a rape victim goes through. The only difference is that, for you, those feelings filled a deep need, while for those others, those feelings are purely destructive. Think sugar and diabetes, sugar is needed by healthy people and toxic to diabetics.
Don’t fret over how you felt and calling it what it was. That’s one of the things that make this blog do valuable, your honesty. Thanks.
dave
Rape is just one of those words that has the potential to drive things into a shitstorm. And I do get that, but there just wasn’t any other word that came to mind to accurately express what I felt about it. So, I’m prepared for the falling out but I stand by my words.
There have been many, many other times in the past that He’s used me sexually without my immediate consent, certainly without asking and without concern to whether or not I wanted to at the time, and often it’s been rough, painful, had me begging to quit and/or in tears… and none of those times would I have ever even thought to describe it as a rape, nor did I feel raped or anything of the sort. I felt used and I felt pain, sometimes anger, sometimes pure submission… why this time was so different I have no idea. The pain was certainly worse, His attitude was definitely different (meaner, harsher tone, rougher) so yeah… I can’t explain it.
I don’t like using the word. It feels.. unsettling. Makes me uneasy. And I don’t expect He’s going to like it one bit when He reads it. That’s a conundrum, you know? I’m to be as honest as possible and say it like it is, but to have to do that when you know it’s not going to be well received is *hard*.
Kaya,
I know just how you feel about the word. In my classroom, no one is allowed to call one of my students stupid, not even the student themself. yet, there are rare times, sitting at home grading papers where I can’t, for the life of me, find any more appropriate word for some of the mistakes I see. Even then, I feel so wrong calling anyone who made it into college stupid. So, yeah, I understand why using the word rape feels so wrong, even when it’s the only word you can find to describe the feeling.
Dave
I think there is a point being missed by a lot of people. Kaya had the opportunity to give her master a gift. Let’s not forget that this is about both parties. Kaya gave the gift of total submission to the person. He may have gotten exactly what he expected, wanted and needed himself. Talk about filing things away for a memory, this works both ways. How lucky was her Master to have received this additional gift? Isn’t this about enjoying the “nicks” and bruses etc. a day or two or three later? The pain and discomfort are the price paid to give such wonderful gifts as a slave gives.
You make me wish (for the hundredth time) that Master would journal so that I could get HIS perspective on things.
“There was no preparation, no gentleness, no coaxing the ass into cooperation.”
These words makes me realize that what my Master is doing to me on a regular basis (usually several times/week) is something not as common as I thought!
He is very fond of my ass, to say the least… On the “good” days He’ll “lube” me by using my pussy a bit first – if it’s wet – and then be a little gentle the first 10 seconds or so. Other days He doesn’t bother with such kindeness and just uses a bit of saliva and goes on with His business. I believe the saliva is more for the benefit of His cock than my comfort, to be honest.
And at those occations I do feel raped, consent or not. I very much think that dave said it well by separating that kind of rape from the rape that is a legal definition.
I can’t really tell which I prefer most, when He’s (somewhat) careful or when He just takes what He wants. But to be honest I get more out of it when He just fucks me right off without any preparation. Perhaps not there and then, but as soon as I get kicked into that headspace that it will finally give me I don’t want it to be in any other way.
I don’t know if it’s common or not! I hope it doesn’t become common here…lol
Like you I get more out of it when He just takes what’s His without a lot of hoopla, even if I’m hating it at the time. We’re weird people.
We definitely are!
And we don’t want it any other way!
Wow, Kaya…
This kind of post is EXACTLY why I read your blog.
I don’t personally understand this kind of extremem S/m, and I really stuggle with the feelings that it brings up in me. AND…I hear the honesty of your words (including your responses to the other comments) and come at least a little closer to getting my head around it.
You always push my understanding and broaden my world…
Well thank you for understanding that it’s something I need even if you don’t understand the extreme S&M. I don’t hear that very often…lol
*delicious*
Yes it was! Now.
oh god do you ever think of your kids? you married right into your own family!
Suzanne51
Huh? What are you talking about?
Dave
She’s my own personal stalker. Ignore her. She’s like a sticky booger.
EXTERMINATE, LIQIDATE, CREMATE-TAKE HER DOWN TO THE CREMATION STATION” AND USE A DOUBLE BLADE SO THAT WHEN YOU WANNA CUT HER SHE’S
GONNA BLEED TWICE
How many slaves can actually say that they have THEIR OWN PERSONAL STALKER? because the salary sucks and i don’t want to be stuck on anybody; I’m handing in my letter of resignation-always remember there are bigger and better than me out there-if thats any consulation anyway i got in touch with Mr. Music blog who appreciates me and my lyrics. Parting is such sweet sorrow- Too-da-loo~
I don’t care if i had no friends -but then people will say I’m crazyI wouldn’t work cause i don’t need the money but then people will say I’m lazy
A bridge is built and a bridge is burned-till we reach the point of now return (sniff, sniff)
opps no return
So this makes, what? 5 or 6 or 15 times that you’ve declared to be done reading and commenting here? Parting WOULD be sweet sorrow if you would ever actually LEAVE.
You know the old saying… how can I miss you if you won’t go away?
Bubbye then.
please don’t respond to me anymore so we can end this crap? but for someone who has had brain procedures and needs to live with more and more pain you STILL have a good memory! Congrats on that one-please keep your bitcheness to the ones you love and know-we don’t know one another so lets not waste each others time which means don’t respond to this or any respones will be looked at not only me- if you can do that then i promise on both my kids lives
I will never come in again -i know you probably don’t believe me but i can’t waste my time anymore on your important blog and you.
This person is way crazy. She asking you not to respond to her anymore on YOUR BLOG!!!! What a loon. Anyway…
I’m not sure how long it’s been since you have had chocolate, but you should pick up a Reeses. There is a salute to all Masochists in every package right now. Check it out.
http://www.hersheys.com/reeses/
i need to have that video i think. That very thing that you described is an element of all my fantasies. It’s how my ass was broken in the first time- just as you described. So, i’m addicted. i’m sure mine will be coming soon enough.
You made me go back to that day over two years ago… and horny. Thanks a lot.
Thanks for sharing, too.
Now, how do i get THAT video?
xoxx
ummmmm… buy it? LOL
Miss ya, toots. I know I owe ya emails but I’m way behind again. Per usual.
You say it is “probably” fissure but what if it isn’t? Probably implys could be or couldn’t be. Please get it checked out. You were taken brutally there could be a cut and like another posted there is bacteria that could be there and is now healing INSIDE the cut festering.
Thanks but I’m fine. Really. We’re all kinds of risk aware, I promise.
The r word is scary.
And it’s what “broke” my last M/s relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever commented, love, but I’ve been reading for ages.
Call me a longtime lurker. I don’t necessarily share all of your tastes for extremes, but I DEFINITELY understand the need for them. My last M/s relationship ended because he never quite understood that my needs didn’t necessarily involve a full-fledged 24/7 lifestyle change. I wasn’t comfortable giving up everything to him, because I didn’t trust him that completely. He never grasped that, and took more than I was willing to give. Sounds like what you experienced was different – you were willing to give it, even if it was a violation. For you it’s a part of who you are that you need that violation. I understand a part of that – to a certain extent, I can even relate. You’re an incredibly lucky woman.
Of course, as I sit here, commenting away, I’m thinking of ways to cover up the worst of the bruises on my throat at work on Monday and come up with a plausible reason why I have no voice. Somehow I think, “Well, my sadistic, dominant lover in the service department choked me so hard He bruised my vocal cords this weekend while He was fucking His pussy” isn’t going to cut it.
*snicker* Oh but I’d love to see the looks on their faces if you DID give that reason.
Thanks for getting it. And for letting me know that you get it. It helps.
I’m sorry it happened that way for you in your last relationship, but I’m incredibly impressed that you recognized it. Some wouldn’t, I suspect. Good on ya.
Heh. The office gossips would have a field day. They’re already whispering big time about the fact that he occasionally takes me out to lunch – nevermind that there’s always three or four other people with us! I think when I finally get fed up and quit (only a matter of time, ha!), I’m going to give them an earful and bring my camera so I can capture the looks on their faces. He’s very mild-mannered and seemingly unassuming at work – if they only knew! (In reality, I won’t say a thing, because I know He’d never permit me to damage that image He’s so carefully constructed…shame, though. I’m almost tempted, just because the consequences would be sooooooo delicious……..yes, I’m one of THOSE submissives……)
Reading further down the page, I’d also like to touch on the whole rape fantasy thing – I DEFINITELY understand that one!
I was raped at 16, by a total stranger, on my way home from a friend’s house. It took years of agony and nightmares and therapy and tears to get over it. And I still get wet at the thought of being “taken”. I can still masturbate to the idea of someone I love doing exactly the same things to me that my rapist did. In many ways, I personally think that’s healthier than dwelling on the trauma and the violation and the invasion. My rapist tried to take a valuable part of me away, and I took it back – at what point does that make me sick?
HAHAHAHAHA,
That has to be the funniest thing I’ve ever read…..your stalker doing that big huge rant about cutting and blood and then popping back to say “oops, spelling mistake”
HAHAHAHA…I cried laughing at that….I guess even teh crazies need good English!
Oh gawd.. you made me snort.
LOL
too fucking funny.
kaya,
you mentioned being worried that people would be offended by your use of the word “rape”. i find it interesting that i havn’t seen anyone comment that they were. Having been in the “non consent” situation i expected, as i started to read this post, that i would be offended or at least upset. However, i wasn’t. i found both your factual discription and your emotional one of the event very worthy of the term rape. Even if it’s consensual, the feelings that it evoked follow the classic definition of rape, not about sex but about who holds the power in the pairing. i too fantisize about these types of situations, where i have given consent through trust (so i know, intellectually, that i am safe) but where, in the situation, i am simply an object for His gratification. i keep this in the “be careful what you wish for,little girl” file. Thank you so much for sharing this experience and opening such a lively discussion.
fown
I was rather surprised, too. I’m glad of it, but surprised nonetheless.
You’re welcome. And thank you for contributing.
Your Master’s “technique” is very much in line with His!!!
With the one exception, I am occasionally given “just one chance” to put His cock in myself, usually by sitting on it, which I invariably can’t do!
If I manage it, all so well and good, I just get battered boobs!
If I don’t, then let’s just say, I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!
Lidocaine gel, and a couple of warm baths usually help!!!
xx honey xx
Warm baths… yummmmm.
Again, another amazing post made by you and another reason why I consider you to be my mentor in BDSM.
I actually feel ashamed at times to have rape fantasies. Someone on my sex journal did a good job cutting into that feeling when I accidentally caused a trigger for her (even though all the entries involving rape fantasies had a warning…except this one statement in an entry where I said I want to do a rape fantasy for my birthday). She said that people that have these fantasies are disturbed and need help.
Then, another one of my friends from the personal journal said that what I have is not rape fantasies because depending what I have listed as limitations and what I like to do in these fantasies is a very watered down version of a rape fantasy.
From what you said here echos what she told me months ago:
it cannot be rape, but also because I feel it trivializes the trauma of rape when it’s used so callously to describe what is actually just “rough sex”.
I’m very happy you made this blog and I learned something new about something I was uncertain about. I don’t have too many irl friends that are into BDSM. While my boyfriend doms me because he knows I like it, he’s technically a vanilla. Most of my online friends aren’t into bdsm either. So, it’s very nice when I have a friend like you that makes these kind of posts.
BTW, I’m not updating my sex journal anymore. I’m kinda loosing interest in keeping a sex journal. I still have my personal journal though.
People who have this fantasy are most certainly not disturbed nor do we need help. At least, not any more so than anyone else. That person who said that should be slapped upside the head.
Most rape fantasies are “watered-down versions”. That’s what makes them “safe” fantasies to have and to act out. That doesn’t make it bad. My own rape fantasies are chock-full of disclaimers, everything from “it can’t be anyone disgusting with stinky balls” to “and I can’t be killed, either!” That’s kinda why they’re actually *fun* to do. The other kind of rape? Not so much of the fun really.
You’re fine. Anyone who tries to make you feel less-than has their own insecurites and they’re projecting them on to you. I think they call that “leveling”. You just go on doing what you’re doing.
will do
And I’ve unfriended this person very recently for her attitude and constant snarky comments.
She had been raped herself. However, I’ve been emotionally and verbally abused through bullying. I don’t think anyone that wants to be called names and put through humiliation is crazy or needs help because I had an issue with it. I had an issue with it because I wasn’t consented to being treated like I was a leper of some sort (which I was) like she wasn’t consented to having sex forced upon her. She bitched me out when I made a post listing the differences in rape fantasies and actually rape…claiming she knew the difference. Well, from her judgemental attitude, it didn’t seem she didn’t.
take it from someone who has actually been raped, you were not raped kaya. i know that it may feel like it, but i have been forcefully taken against my will by my husband, and i was also raped a few years ago (not by my husband, and before i was married).the rape is waaayyy more of a mind-fuck than being forcefully taken by your master. and the mental scars last forever. i will never masturbate to that memory.
Why do you assume that I have no basis for comparison? That’s a pretty rude assumption on your part.
Sorry if I offended you, I didn’t mean to, really.
So you have been raped in the past? And you still think of your husbands taking you against your will as rape? It was just as bad as when you were raped in the past? I’m just trying to understand. If you don’t feel like answering, that’s ok.
Emma-Gene,
Something to think about. The idea that two rapes have to “feel” the same is a fallacy that has let mnay men get away with rape in the past. Case in point, a forceble, violent stranger rape and a so called date rape. Both involve women being taken sexually without their consent, yet, until recently, the second wasn’t even seriously considdered rape by the authorities. It’s not nessasary that Kaya’s two events “feel” the same for the latter to feel like she was being raped. What’s needed is simply that it felt like she was being raped, no more, no less.
If I may anticipate the next logical question, how can someone who’s been raped for real have rape fantasies? It’s being human. Our fantasies are where we try to safely experience the forbidden and dangerous. I have a suspicion that outside of the BDSM community, most people with a rape fantasy would not enjoy acting it out. On the other hand, I suspect that, as fantasies go, the true rape victim understands the difference between the fantasy rape and true rape much better than someone who has been blessed with the ignorance that comes from never being raped (one of the ighnorances I truly wish all “suffered” under).
If you personally don’t have such fantasies because of, in part or whole, your past trauma, that’s not anything wrong either. We deal with our pasts on an individual basis and what works for some doesn’t work for others. Some people who are robbed at gunpoint have no problem getting back behind the counter, while others simply have to get a different job. Neither is wrong, each just deals as they must.
Dave
PS Kaya, sorry for replying for you, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dave
Not a problem at all. You hit the mark pretty well. Thank you.
I think you are correct with your theory on rape fantasies, too. It is where taboo things can be safely explored. It’s also where I regain control of what may have been an uncontrollable experience.
Of course it wasn’t the same. Were your experiences the same? Did you feel exactly the same in each situation? Would my experiences match yours? Would your experiences, or mine, be identical to a third or a fourth or a fifth rape victim? You’re comparing apples to oranges I think.
I felt overpowered and powerless. I felt pain. I felt fear. I felt small and insignificant. I felt ignored. Take your pick as to which incident these feelings apply to.
I understand that it’s a difficult concept. That is why I have never used the word before, and why I struggled so hard using it this time. But it was what it was. It was forced, it was violent, it was an expression, on His part, of dominance and control.
I know this is the life I chose, and I’m incredibly happy and satisfied in this life. I have given blanket consent to do as He will. But sometimes, when you break that consent down into tiny moments, it’s given out of fear, or to avoid worse consequences, or because I simply do not have any other choice (or so I believe. I’m not willing to engage in an argument about my choices or lack thereof.) That moment was one of those. Was it consentual? Yes. And no.
But that’s really the part that’s okay with me. I know it’s not for most. I accept that people aren’t wired like I am and I don’t think any less, or more, of people who live a different lifestyle than I do.
I don’t know how you’ll take this, but, to be honest, I masturbate to the memory of that other experience quite often. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t traumatic or awful or that it didn’t fuck me up for a good long while. It means I took it in my mind, and took control of it and made it be a memory that I don’t abhor or am afraid of or try to supress. I dealt with it and I use it for my own gain now.
Maybe that’s just the difference between me and you? I take things as they happen and compartmentalize them and refuse to let them have power over me. It’s a cold and calculating bit of survival I suppose, but it works. Maybe I need the extreme treatment Master offers in those moments just so I can feel what it is that I file away so quickly.
Hard to say, really, but my philosophy is to not fix what isn’t broken, you know?
Thank you for your reply Kaya. I understand a bit more about what you mean.
I personally don’t believe the feeling of having been raped, and the legal definition of the act of rape are two same things.
Many women feel they were raped, maybe not in the legal definition of the word, but they still have those feelings. Could they prosecute?…No….do they even want to….most I’ve spoken to, probably not.
For an example, before I met my current husband I was in an abusive marriage for a long time. It was mostly emotional abuse with the odd sprinkling of physical abuse. When my then husband wanted sex, I went along with it….lay back, legs open and gave consent….because I felt powerless to say no. I felt that I couldn’t handle the days of emotional abuse that would come if I didn’t. Was it rape in the legal sense of the word?…No, I consented fully…..did it feel like rape to me?…Hell yes.
I felt dirty and ashamed and violated by this man….like I had no choice and just had to take it. Why couldn’t I be strong enough to tell him to fuck off?There was no pleasure in it at all for me. Just shame.
The point I’m trying to make is that *nobody* has the right to tell another person what they went through wasn’t rape, wasn’t enough like *their* experience to qualify as rape…or doesn’t match the legal definition enough to be rape. Rape is how you, as an individual feel, within your own situation…and nobody has the right to take the rape victim high horse.
My second point, therefore, is that nobody has the right to expect each rape victim to deal with that feeling uniformly. One person may cry, scrub in the shower and take pills for the rest of their lives, one person may turn it into something to masturbate over and enjoy, one person may choose to block it totally…etc….we can’t begin to finger point and say “AHA…it obviously isn’t rape because it doesn’t match my experience and my coping strategy!”.
Kaya,
I wanted to say that I think it does take a lot of bravery to speak about how you felt, knowing the weight of the word and the weight of the feelings behind it. You have mentioned in a few posts that you are going to try to stop feeling guilty for enjoying the things you do.I am going to take your example and try the same thing myself….we should make it “National Guilt Free Kink Week”
we could work up ribbons…everyone else has ribbons…we should make some ribbons…maybe something that looks like a leather whip with handcuffs dangling from the ends?
You know I’m going to steal that slogan right?
Thank you for sharing your experiences. And thank you for reaffirming my thoughts.
I don’t get it either … although I don’t have a safe word, although he knows he CAN do anything to me he wishes, maybe you would see it as a copout as I KNOW that he woudl NEVER force me to a point where I felt raped – the harsh anal sex yes -but then I like it that way.
I think what bothers me – really bothers me, is the wiping of the blood two days later- MASSIVE long-term damage can be done to a body and I’ve read and seen it happen … so that down the line, the “Master” has to get someone else … becuase he has damaged his original “property” so mcuh she can no longer physically handle anything; one that stays with me is the woman who was spanked so harshly and so cruelly that her skin deteriorated to the point where she could no longer handle even the lightest tap without the skin splitting open.
For me, that spills over into outright ABUSE – yup, plain and simple wife abuse – using the pretence of dominance as an excuse – unfortunatley, I figure there is a good percentage of relationships out there that masquerade as D/s or M/s and are just plain old fashioned abuse – but that’s just my opinion.
Bottom line for me is that permanent damage NEVER is justified – and this smacks to me of something far beyond harsh treatment.
the harsh anal sex yes -but then I like it that way.
And I like it this way. So what’s your point?
And you do understand that someone, somewhere, is going to find your style of “harsh anal sex” to be “abusive” as well, right? Do you care though? Any more than I care that you find our style to be abusive? Didn’t think so.
I think what bothers me – really bothers me, is the wiping of the blood two days later-
It was a simple tear, ffs. I wasn’t leaving blood clots in the toilet. I’m talking about a smear on the toilet paper. I get the same tears from a big poop. Holy Jesus, y’all are alarmists.
MASSIVE long-term damage can be done to a body and I’ve read and seen it happen … so that down the line, the “Master” has to get someone else … becuase he has damaged his original “property” so mcuh she can no longer physically handle anything
But massive damage wasn’t done so your point is moot. And maybe.. just maybe.. my Master knows enough about what He’s doing that He CAN make it hurt and still not permanently damage me. He’s pretty skilled and He loves me a whole bunch so I’m not worried.
For me, that spills over into outright ABUSE
Good thing it’s my life and not yours then, huh?
plain and simple wife abuse – using the pretence of dominance as an excuse
Congrats for repeating what every single narrow-minded vanilla person says about BDSM. Welcome to their club.
Bottom line for me is that permanent damage NEVER is justified –
Permanent damage wasn’t done. What is damaging and harmful to you, for your mind and your body, is not even close to being damaging for me.
and this smacks to me of something far beyond harsh treatment.
You “smack” to me of judgmental attitude, of “one-true-wayism” and of “my kink is great but yours is sick” thinking. I have no use for that shit, truly. How dare you come here and try and belittle me for my fetishes and our preferences. Shame on you.
One woman’s abuse is another woman’s pleasure. I know you’re trying real hard to sound knowledgable or “in the know” while the rest of us peons are apparently too ignorant to know what “damage” we *might* be doing in our play (because only YOU know the real truth, right?) but step down off your high horse for a sec and consider that the rest of us are equally as informed and aware as you are.
Your style of “submission” would bore me to tears, I’m sure. As such, I don’t read you or follow you or try and communicate with you. I’m sure you do not care what I think about your life and since my style of submission offends you so much, I’d ask you to offer me the same courtesy. I’m honestly not the least bit interested in your opinion on my lifestyle.
Kaya- I’m sorry you took my honestly meant concern that way- I dont’ and didn’t dispute your right to live the way you see fit. I agree ‘not one size fits all’ – I’ve read your blog for some time and seldom comment for that very reason – fearing that your reaction to my HONEST and well meant opinion (mine only- not saying its the ONLY one, nor the “right” one) – would precipitate this type of reaction.
I’m not in any way trying to “sound” knowledgeable, that is you reading something into what isn’t there – I am the LAST person to think they’re the expert on anything.
Don’t worry – you’ve made it perfectly clear you’re not interseted in ANY comment (on your public blog) that might in any way disagree with your own – I’ll stay away.
Maybe I’m reading more into what your original comment said, but it sure sounded to me like you were accusing my Master of being abusive. So yeah, those kinds of comments are not welcome here. Ever. That’s not a difference of opinion, we’re not discussing whether grass is green or the sky is blue. I’d love to have your opinion of a lot of things. I’d love to be able to discuss and disagree over our differences of opinion. But not when what I’m hearing you saying is that I’m an abused wife with a man who uses dominance as a excuse to be abusive. That’s simply offensive and uncalled for.
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what a ridiculous thing to say “put the pics behind a cut”. No one is making you come here. You come to read her words and/or see her pictures. If you don’t like them, don’t come.
tina