“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we’re really not that different, me and you.”
Can i whore your idea?
It wasn’t my idea, I whored it from someone else. So yes! Yes you can!
What makes you want to run away?
Everything sometimes. Srsly. I’m a wimp. But things that I never like, ever? Clover clamps. Drinking piss. Lexan cane. Misery stick. Blue stick. His anger.
Do you wanna borrow my 62 sunflower pins? *grins*
I’ll borrow them to put sandpaper on them and return them to you. :D
What’s your deepest, darkest, most private fantasy that hasn’t been realized yet?
I am still avoiding this question..lol
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you’re done reading this sentence?
I still have more questions to answer!
What are your fetishes? (see list here)
smoking – though not the smoking itself, but the human ashtray part is pretty fucking cool.
humiliation
spanking
bondage
sperm
bdsm
nipple
needle
torture
Fear and Terror
Breast
Blood
Hood
Breathplay
Rape
Isolation
brainwashing
Pain
Favorites?
Breast/nipple
Fear and terror
isolation
Hoods
Ones you have thought about, but not tried?
bestiality
Ones you have tried, but not cared for?
Enemas
Is it/was it ever a total mindfuck to be in a space of needing/wanting pain and being frightened of it? Has mentally accepting that you are into pain been a difficult thing for you at any point? (I ask cuz its so where I am right now ;)
It is, all the time. I am frightened of it, always. I guess because I know that I’m not in control of it in any way whatsoever. In my two previous bdsm relationships there was zero pushing on the pain stuff. Though I was the “bottom”, application of pain was dictated according to what I wanted and/or didn’t want. It stopped when I said so, it was ramped up or toned down at my request, it didn’t happen at all unless I agreed to it. Things with Master are *entirely* different. That was a huge, huge hurdle to climb for me. I don’t think I even knew, going in, that I wasn’t supposed to be in charge of it, you know? I was just really new to it all, still exploring it, and he breezed in and fucked my world up for a long time.
So, yeah, it’s been a regular mindfuck to realize that I don’t just want or crave the pain and this kind of treatment, but that I NEED it and that that need sets me up for some serious hurt that is generally much more than I bargained for. Once I ask for it, when I work up the nerve TO ask for it, it’s all at his mercy, or lack thereof, as to how much or how bad it will be.
I had no problem accepting the label of masochist. It just made sense to me from the get go. I always knew that I needed some sort of painful stimuli to “get off”, even during early masturbation moments. So I think I had less issue with it than some people I’ve known/read. There have been times when I’ve struggled with accepting it as a NEED. At times I wish I wasn’t a masochist and I wish I could enjoy normal, fluffy, feel-good things like other people do. I envy that adaptability, and I envy how easy it all seems. Needing pain – it’s like a drug. The cravings, the withdrawals, the deep-seated itch, all of those symptoms associated with drug users seem to apply to pain addicts, and no matter how much a user may enjoy their drug of choice, they still may wish for a normal, easy life. I get in those places sometimes, cursing whatever event or chemical or God(s) that made me the way I am.
I accept it, and mostly I’m fine with it. I yam what I yam, as Popeye would say. But I have wistful moments too.
What was your/his kink like before you met and how has it changed?
When I first met Master he had NO interest in owning a slave. He wanted a self-sufficient submissive who liked it a little kinky I think. He was really a LOT “lighter” than he is now. The idea of micro-management didn’t appeal to him *at all*. I can still remember those early conversations where he would vehemently declare that the last thing he wanted was some girl asking him to use the bathroom or having to pick out her clothes or telling her what to eat. He wanted someone who could think for themselves, he said.
And look at him now. Talk about a complete turn around!
I’m not sure how my own kinks have changed because I was never set on any one kink to begin with. I really was just setting out to explore everything. I had some fucked up belief that kink was a progression, you started as a weekend ass-slapper, progressed to a submissive, then to a slave, and then finally to a brainwashed objectified fuckdoll. I don’t know why I thought everyone in kink had the same goals. I guess because I was just that naive and that new. All I can really say is that I was up for anything and everything because I didn’t know better. Now, with the level of control that Master has, I don’t even think I can separate what my kinks are from his anymore. I don’t have different goals or whatever. *shrug*
I was wondering what you and your Master do, if anything, to safeguard him in the event something did go badly wrong during play, to try to avoid him being charged with something awful? I guess a related question is: do you have something written down to help your kids out if something like that happened?
Well, if this journal isn’t evidence enough that I was a willing participant in my own demise, I don’t know what would be. The thing about all those contracts and written statements is that none of them are recognized as legal documents (that I’m aware of). Should he do something that resulted in my accidental death, he’d be held accountable for it, no matter what papers were stashed away somewhere. I mean, you read these things all the time. S&M gone wrong, men brought up on charges and using slave contracts as justification, and it all means diddly squat to the judge, mostly.
Master is really, really careful and really safe. I know some of what we do looks scary, but he’s very safety conscious and worries a lot about my health. In fact, I complain more about him asking me too many questions and being too nice than I have ever worried that he’s not in control of the situation!
You seemed embarrassed about recent pictures of your pussy and asshole. Were you coy, or do you still get embarrassed about the pictures and do you get embarrassed when a male doctor examines you?
I am still very, VERY embarrassed by probably 80% of the pictures Master has me post here. I am not faking that or being coy. I don’t mind the pictures of my boobs. But the face or body shots, the more up-close and personal ass and pussy shots? I try and beg out of those almost every time. I am less embarrassed than I was in the beginning. I figure I don’t have many new readers and most of you have seen every square intimate inch of me at least 5 times already, but still… I’m a lot more shy than I project here.
And yes, I do blush and wish to sink through the floor when I’m at the doctors. I don’t know if women ever get used to that. *sigh*
You and Leesa recently met with your M’s. What did both of you wear? How long did you keep it on? Were you each inspected by the others M? How did it feel?
Recently!? My goodness, that was over a year ago already! Time flies. Wow. That will always be one of my fondest memories of blogging. Meeting them really was like meeting a celebrity!
What did we wear… um.. I’m sure I had a skirt on, I usually do. Though.. hmm.. I have no idea which one. Or maybe not. Maybe that was pre-skirt era. Leesa was wearing black jeans (I think). I’m old you know; my memory is going. We stayed dressed for quite a while actually! We sat and talked for a long time in the bar, then we sat in their hotel room and chatted some more, then we all went to dinner and chatted more – and THEN we got naked.
Just us girls though. The M’s stayed dressed (which, come to think of it, doesn’t seem very fair.) As for being inspected – we weren’t, like, made to stand there like cattle and be inspected that way. The M’s were like two kids showing off a favorite toy. It was like “watch her when I do *this*!” and “look how this thing marks!” and “listen when I do it like this, it’s so cool!” They were sharing tools of torture to try out and, yeah, they had a good time I think. So did I. 
1: I’ve heard several comparisons of lexan and rattan canes, with the lexan coming out as far more viscous. What IS lexan and why are canes made form it so much painful?
All I know about lexan is that it’s a hard plastic (bulletproof say some), but it’s lightweight and flexible. Why it’s so much more painful than rattan I have NO idea. I’d like to know because it truly is one of the wickedest canes I’ve ever had the misfortune of feeling. It just plain bites like the devil. I’ll take a hundred rattan canes over one lexan.
2: Have you ever had an orgasm from JUST pain, with no erogenous zone stimulation?
Yes, rarely. It’s not typical to happen that way. I usually need SOME sort of stimulation. I wish pain would make me come then maybe I wouldn’t hate it so bad!
Would you both think of trying to get to Thunder this year, here in CO?
I would like to. But it’s pretty unlikely. :-( We don’t usually do trips without the kids, it just doesn’t seem fair to them.
How much downtime do you usually find yourself with in a given day?
Now that I’ve started this job? Not much! It’s been an adjustment, lemme tell ya. But once dinner is finished and the food is put away, I’ll put off doing the kitchen clean up and take those next few hours for family time, generally from 6:30-ish to 8:30 or so. I’ll stay in the living room and just be available for the kids or for Master if he wants anything. I don’t do any chores or get involved in anything else. I’ll watch tv, help the kids with homework or read or whatever. I’m usually pretty damn tired by then anyway so sitting down and doing nothing feels really good. I’m *supposed* to then finish the kitchen before I go to bed. Master doesn’t like to see dirty dishes and a cluttered counter, but I’m just SO tired by then that I’ll try and sneak off to bed without doing it like I should. (bad girl. bad bad girl!)
How long have you worn a buttplug? I always get uncomfortable after a short period and take it out. If I were forced to wear it for an extended period, it might be different. Like figging, the burn might go away a little.
I’ve worn them for hours. Anytime he has me put it in, I know that I’m supposed to keep it in for a minimum of two hours. If he has another time frame in mind, he’ll tell me, I don’t even have to ask. And should it be a day where I’m particular crampy or poopy, it seems simple enough to him that I can just take it out, do my business and put it back in. *sigh* (times like that, I sincerely believe that a *real* Master would try everything out on himself before making the slave do it! *hmmph*)
(no I did not just call you a “fake” Master. Was j/k! j/k!!)
I can’t recall, have you guys ever done figging?
We have tried it a couple of times. It does nothing for me. There is no huge burn, no pain, no arousal, no nothing. I can feel it, it tingles a tad, but nothing to write home to mom about. I just stand there with an ugly root shoved up my ass and be bored..lol
~~*~~
Except for the darkest fantasy question, I think I’ve reached the end. Unless I’ve missed one somewhere. If so, I apologize. Feel free to satisfy your curiosities here until the end of March.
Tags: questions
pictures, Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday March 13th, 2008 10:53am
ya forgot one….
What is your nastiest closed eyes midnight fantasy that you go to when the vibe is just perfection and i want details.
lol.. that’s exactly the one I said I hadn’t answered yet! I’m thinking about it.
You definitely gave me some things to think about just looking at these questions. Makes me think about doing something similar at penguin’s kitty.
Thank you
Upton
Hi Kaya
The same applies here in the UK about physical harm under consent.
In the UK you can consent to so much but anything outside that your consent means diddly.
I believe it is different in some places though as i remember on the news about a man who consented to being killed and eaten and that was deemed as manslaughter rather than murder as far as i remember. Not sure where that was though.
Jess x
That cannibalism case was in Germany.
apparently both participants were *sane* and the events were recorded, so it the consent part was fairly obvious. i believe it was a bit of a landmark case, and of course many people wanted it kept as a murder charge but yes, it was downgraded to manslaughter.
My Owner does the “look what she can do!” with me when his brother or mother are around. All though, it’s not kinky stuff. But showing how my knee jerks if I’m scratched behind my ear is freaking humiliating!
1: I’ve heard several comparisons of lexan and rattan canes, with the lexan coming out as far more viscous. What IS lexan and why are canes made form it so much painful?
I can answer that one! Since I just went to the caning class, and all!
The answer is that rattan is flexible, and lexan is the opposite of flexible.
The instructor of the class actually said to us that he would rather everyone use rattan, because it’s safer to play with. When lexan breaks, it breaks with very sharp edges, so those thin lexan canes are actually not particularly safe. I assume the really thick ones are not so easy to break, but the instructor, an weathered old leatherman who’s been in the scene since before the time I was born, was really quite against them.
(So for those of you who have Masters who like the lexan cane, there you go — it’s not safe! Can’t use it!) [huge grin]
Zillie,
Thanks a bunch.
Dave
You can ONLY have three wishes, so one wish CANNOT be for more wishes.
Apart from that, ANYTHING can be granted.
What do you wish for before you go into that cage for the rest of your life?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lexan en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lexan
here is a site to tell a bit about Lexan. Basically, it is like Plexiglass, but much stronger, like 8x to 10x. In sufficient thickness, it is bulletproof, or highly bullet resistant to be more correct. I have worked with the stuff some, and it is very versatile, is easy to cut, drill, and router. Some types are very heat resistant.
It is even used on “The Beast”, an SPL vehicle that has set records of over 180dB. http://www.teamgates.net
Lexan canes are going to be much more rigid than rattan, and if thick enough, it will not break on one’s backside.
Still avoiding i see. Guess i’ll do it before you do. Then maybe you’ll come around. i’d like to hear your reaction anyhow. i did whore the idea- but you have some freaking fascinating questions!
You can keep the 62 pins! lol!
And the lexan? i have to agree with you. The pain isn’t as immediate as the rattan but it just reaches all across your body and creeps up to this massive volcanic explosion. You can’t help but pant and dance in place. i hate that damn thing too. And just think, i have it as a gift to a sadist.
Stupid. But also :o)
“I’ll take a hundred rattan canes over one lexan-” me too.
Love this stuff! Learning, remembering your past posts, and just enjoying this! You good little slave you *w*
xoxx