“Don’t expect an omlette if you can’t even be bothered to whip the eggs!”
Julie asked “is S getting what he needs as well? What is it that he is seeking? Does he want you to “submit” and do the service things you loathe?”
And my truly honest answer is – I don’t know. I *think* I know and I operate under thinking I know.. and then I find out that I didn’t know at all. In the words of Sgt. Schultz – I know nuthink!
So yeah.. communication right? But we do, or at least we try, we talk and we talk and we explain and yet it seems like we always end up right back where we started, staring at each other over the great divide wondering where in the HELL the other is coming from. Then it’s:
But you said -
and
What I meant was-
and
No no no, you misunderstood -
and
*face palm*
I try not to spend a lot of time figuring Master out. Guessing at His motives, forming theories, surmising what it is that I *think* He wants… that tends to get me into trouble, as you can imagine. He HATES it when I speculate over His actions or words and then come up with what I think is a proper course of action.
But the fact remains that I, again, am not a submissive. And so, as is my nature to do, when I feel like things are drifting and no one is at the helm, I grab the wheel. Whereas He’s probably thinking He can lie back for a snooze while we peacefully float downstream, I’m yanking and pulling and terrified that we’re going to smash into the bank because, heaven forbid, I can’t see Him steering!
After several years of repeating that mistake, the only progress I seem to have made is succeeding in waiting longer periods of time before I grab for the wheel.
So, preempting Master’s control is a no-no (who knew?) and yet, I operate best when I can see and feel His tight grip on the wheel, and when He makes damn sure I don’t rock the boat.
Master (and here I go again with the speculating) really, REALLY seems to like those smooth floats down the river.
We just have different styles. And I don’t think that’s so unusual. Two people rarely mesh completely, and neither of us are fed up with trying to find a way that makes it work. I’m incredibly lucky in that He does care very much about meeting my needs, just as much as I want to meet His. Unfortunately, we both occasionally slip into bouts of selfish me-me-me-ness.
Like right now, I’m very much into what I want. Because it all seems so uncomplicated.. so simple.. *I* think I am so easy to dom that it’s insane. I mean, all I need are rules and clear consistent consequences, violent sex every day, and a bi-weekly, viciously applied, good old-fashioned beat down. Srsly! How hard is that!
And when I really get wound up I continue that with this – And what kind of self-proclaimed sadist (sneer) can’t handle that? What is so difficult about asking me “cunt, did you do everything you were supposed to do today?” and then following that up with either a deserved punishment, or a pat on the head? And for the love of GOD, please STOP making excuses for me! If You had ANY idea what a negative cycle that starts, to take the lazy way out, to laugh off or excuse something that You KNOW is undesirable merely because You don’t want to have to deal with it right then? You might as well just stab me in the heart, give it a twist, yank it out and spit in the hole. It is seriously the very worst thing EVER. Ever, I say.
Sometimes, I feel like I am perfectly good slave going to waste. And it’s maddeningly frustrating.
But those are bad days. Very bad days. And I have gained some control over those. Honest. Because I know that He is thinking much the same thing about ME.
Why can’t you just do what you’re supposed to do without me following you around, watching you like a hawk, correcting your every move. Are you retarded? Ignorant? What the fuck. You’re like a second JOB. When is this supposed to be about ME? When do I get my *reward* for “owning” a slave? When do I get to relax and enjoy and not have to deal with emotional breakdowns and demands and I’m just so fucking tired of the DRAMA-
See? I can read His mind. ;)
Most days, neither of us are anywhere near that frustration level. Or at least we (I) control it better. I am not out to make this a job for Him. I’m not out to create more work or to make His already stressful life any more stressful. I try to eliminate the stresses and I do whatever it is that is in my power to do to minimize His “jobs”. From the bills to the yard to the house to whatever – I take on as much as I can so He doesn’t have to.
But doing those things, and doing them quietly (submissively) and doing them well, is a *job* for me. It can be stressful and tiring and irritating and I do it because I do want to meet His needs… but every time an opportunity to meet one of my needs slips by unnoticed or intentionally ignored, I get a little less *able* to do “this” in that quiet submissive manner that He so enjoys.
When He, too often, uses the excuse of being too tired, too stressed, too busy, I begin to rationalize my own self the same way. I’m too tired to fetch the water. I’m too busy to sit down and suck cock, I’m too stressed to be bothered with a hefty task list.
Probably, for a natural submissive, it’s a no-brainer. It’s not about my needs, it’s about His and He’ll meet mine if and/or when He damn well feels like it.
Or so that’s what He keeps telling me.
And I keep reminding Him I am not a submissive, natural or fake.
And He keeps telling me that I’m a cunt and a slave and I’ll do what He fucking tells me to do.
And I keep telling Him I’m a masochist first and the only reason I was even drawn to slavery is because it would *include* being hurt and not having any control over the amount, the when and the where!
And He keeps saying Exactly! No control over the amount, the when and the where so stfu and get Me my fucking water!
Hmmph!
Well okay, it doesn’t go exactly like that, but that’s the jist of it anyway. And it’s not nearly as serious a problem as this post may allude. In fact, it’s not really a *problem* at all. I’ve come a long way in accepting that He really will do this how He wants to. Of course if I could tweak it to make it perfect for me I would. But I can’t and He is tweaking me to make it perfect for Him.
I’m just a stubborn tweakee. :D
~cunt
(Title courtesy of Coral, from a comment. Thanks!)
LikeTags: general, M/s rambles, wants
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday May 21st, 2008 1:31pm
Kaya,
I totally get it. It’s like the difference between me and my roommate with math. I’m a natural at math and doing it properly comes easy. He isn’t and, while he can do it right, it takes a hell of a lot more effort and concentration on his part and sometimes, it’s just too much work. Of course, he doesn’t get 20 whacks for messing up. Hmmm. I wonder if that would help? ;)
Dave
you are so funny! …and so real.
I still say you’ve got hidden cameras in my house! Hmph!! Seriously, though, this is exactly what we go through. And the more He tries to coast along peacefully the more I’m screwing with the steering wheel or slamming on the brakes. Though it’s been happening a LOT less lately since our last “talk”. It’s awesome when it goes right for a while, huh?