“All great changes are preceded by chaos.”
For the question of Can i divorce my child(ren)?, the interwebz best answers are:
Kick them out, call the recruiter, sell the place and go on vacation, keep a PO for mail and tell the kids you’ll be in the Caribbean or the far east, write if you need something,
Tempting. So very tempting.
No advice on what to do with the grandkids, though. Hmmph.
So. Jes is pregnant. Again.
I had to blurt that out there. It’s painful to say.
The last time I had to deliver that news, and the next long while following, almost broke us. Do you remember? I do. Vividly. My fears and reluctance to tell him again were justified I think. It was brutal the last time.
I’ve had about 2 weeks to sit with this news. Some of the shock has worn off, most of that eased considerably by how well Master took the news.
She’s not far along. A month, 6 weeks perhaps. Abortion is out, she’s as pro-life as I am. She did mention adoption but I’m sure that was thrown in there in an attempt to soften the blow when she told me. I don’t believe for a second that she’s going to give up her baby (even if she should). I simply told her that the decision to either terminate, adopt, or keep it was between her and the father.
The father is Babygirl’s father. (Or so she says) That really should be a good thing, right? *At least* they have the same dad. Hahaha! It’s soooooooooo not.
Not only does Babygirl already have a half-sister courtesy of her daddy’s Super Sperm (older by a whopping 6 months. Do the math, people.), a third half-sibling from another girl is due in May.
So, here we have Mr. I-Have-Strong-Swimmers, with 2 kids already and a 3rd on the way, and he has unprotected sex AGAIN? He’s a dumbass. He’s a fucking stupid motherfucker who deserves to spend the next 18 years working for nothing to pay child support for FOUR FUCKING KIDS IN 3 YEARS BY 3 DIFFERENT WOMEN. And not a one of them over the age of 21. Neither is HE. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.
As is Jes. STUPID. What the fuck is SHE thinking? The boy hasn’t done fuck-all to help her with Babygirl. He didn’t even show up for the birth, ffs. Let’s see. Was he here for: Formula? No. Diapers? No. Middle of the night feedings? No. Teething? No. Cranky baby? No. Visitation? No. Child support? No. Potty training? No. Bottle breaking? No. Birthday parties? No. Christmas? NO.
So let’s have another one! Whee!
Fucking stupid.
It’s been what, 5 weeks or so since she asked me to take guardianship of Babygirl? (Which, by the way, she’s since changed her mind about. Again.) Knowing that she was struggling with the kid she has she runs off to have unprotected sex? AGAIN?
I cannot comprehend the stupid. From all parties.
Including me! I’m stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Do we know why she didn’t fully learn the consequences of having unprotected sex, peanut gallery? Oh, come on now. Don’t mince your words. This is me you’re talking to. I can take it.
Here, I’ll help you out.
The reason she was careless AGAIN is because she never raised her first kid. I did. She didn’t learn anything. She didn’t have to worry about money, diapers, formula, child care, or the millions of other reasons why SMART people insist on using protection when they’re fertile.
Because I did it for her.
Fuck me. I’d shoot myself if I have a clue where M keeps the ammo.
~glares at the wall and hyperventilates for awhile~
But.
I had a tiny moment of clarity just the other day. Seriously. I was in the kitchen doing some domestic something-or-other, and Jes was on the couch, and I was all frowny-faced, worry-lined, shoulder-slumped when all of a sudden I jerked my head up, whipped around to point my stirring spoon at her and said:
“You are not 16 anymore. THAT? ~waving the spoon in the direction of her stomach~ ain’t my problem. You are TWENTY. You’re an ADULT. This is your family, your children, your life. Not mine.”
And then I smiled.
Because it’s true.
At 16, her problems were my problems. At 20? Not so much.
Here’s what I spent the last 2 weeks coming to realize.
With her–it’s never going to stop. Never. She’s going to exist from one crisis to the next. For YEARS. Maybe for forever. Whether that’s her illness or just her, I can’t say.
No matter how much I do for her, no matter how much I help her solve one problem, she’s going to seek out another one. ON PURPOSE.
(I do apologize for the frequent cap-lock typing. I know it’s irritating. But I’m irritable.)
Being willing to take on one child was one thing. But when does it stop? How do I take in one and not the other, if it comes to that? What if there is a third, God forbid? Taking on two or….more…. is not possible. It’s just not. Not for him.
I have to limit how much of me can be dragged into her issues. I maybe should have done it a long ass time ago, but I’ll excuse that away. I had valid reasons (to me) for it.
I know I’ve said some of this before. Talked all big and tough. But now we’re moving into different territory.
If I don’t set up the boundaries she’s going to ruin me. And, well, I’m owned and I’m not mine-or hers-to destroy.
So, I’m divorcing myself from her problems.
My sympathies are pretty nil.
Except for how this is going to affect Babygirl. She has all my sympathies. The baby-on-the-way isn’t real to me yet, but I already have sympathies for it, too.
I can’t save them.
That’s really the bottom line, and the hardest part to put to rest. I can’t save them. Not Jes, not Babygirl, and not NewBaby. Can’t.
Divorced. And I’m not fighting for custody. :-(
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday January 24th, 2012 10:27am
After reading your Fet piece, I wondered. Could it be? Oh, hugs…sighs.
Hugs back.
oh honey *head-desk* I’m here if you need me. *HUGE HUGS* Not that my opinion matters, but I think you’re doing the right thing.
Vixen´s last [type] ..Poppa
Your opinion matters to me.
If I could track him down and forcibly castrate that guy for you I would. For you and for his future girlfriends’ sake. I think you are doing the right thing also. At 20 she is old enough to take all the responsibility for her choices.
4 kids. He’s a dumbass. Oy.
I can’t say anything to help except I wish things were better for you all.
This is an incredibly brave and smart decision you’re making. I feel for you so much and if you want someone to waffle to and scream to and just vent to… I’m always around :)
In the meantime some tee hee:
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-pictures-i-dont-always-self-medicate.jpg
Heh. Thanks, kitti. :)
Yeah, mega-stupid.
I’m sorry, but my heart bleeds for Babygirl. She’s the same age as my daughter, and I’ve read you for years. I think you’re doing the right thing regarding Jes and her new pregnancy, but are your really divorcing Babygirl too?
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say anything, but that makes me cry I little. I’m mushy like that, and it’s probably because I have my own little one. I realise you don’t want to get into a legal battle with Jes, but aside from that, what are your thoughts regarding Babygirl? Can you keep her in your life, in any way?
She’s always going to be in my life. So is Jes.
I don’t mean divorcing as in kicking out and never seeing them again. I just mean extracting myself from the position of rescuer. I can’t do it.
You shouldn’t have to. There will probably be strained feelings on Jes’s part; but it will be better in the end. She needs a push to help her realize that not everything is going to be handed to her. *Big Hugs*
MZs Girl´s last [type] ..Service Lag
You and Scott did the very best you could, you both tortured yourselves over giving the “right” message and doing the “right” thing. And you surpassed what most people could or would do, you really did. As I read your thoughts and choices since Jes got pregnant the first time, I’ve related deeply. Having our own Grand-Babygirl (two, now, actually, and another one on the way) very close to the same age as your Babygirl, Dan and I both know *exactly* what it feels like to love them so much. To be willing to do almost *anything* to save them from pain, make their lives perfect, give them All The Things.
You did everything in your power to make Jes see the truth. Jes continuing to make poor choices, as an adult woman of 20 years of age, is *not your fault*.
You guys did all the right things, you did.
It’s all gonna work out, you’ll see. {{{{{{{{hugs to you all}}}}}}
Thank you Amber. Jesus, I think you’re the only one who gets it.
I don’t have words.
xoxoxoxoxo I’m here if you want to talk.
Theresa´s last [type] ..Partial Update
Thanks, babe.
Somehow l don’t believe it, you are not going to go through with it and actually do it, you are going to step in and take care of the situation and the babies and Jes.
For starters what have you done to make Jes take responsibility for everything she has to do regarding herself and baby girl since you learned the news around and about about your own house, l bet you are still running after her.
Mark
No. Actually I’m not. But thanks anyway.
Kaya – Wishing you all the best, as always. Unfortunately, I think you’re right in saying that you can’t save them. I’m not much older than Jes is (22 next month) and I’m aware that I lack a certain kind of experience with this sort of scenario, but I have mentioned my father and his various illnesses to you once or twice before.
I was that kid that couldn’t be saved. I don’t know how I got caught in that web, but I was born into it so I don’t question it much. It just is. I think the reality is that even if I had gotten out of the situation as a kid, his shadow would still be hanging over me in some ways (I have two much older half brothers he’s still trying to haunt). He’s my parent. I love him, regardless of what I’ve been put through so far. Nothing is going to take that away from me.
But you know, one thing BabyGirl (and the one on the way) has that I didn’t have when I was a kid? That’s you. And Scott. Even if you can’t take custody, even if you can’t be the rescuer (because you CAN’T, and I know) just being there is going to make a world of difference. The amount of times I sat around wishing I had a sibling or a relative or SOMEONE to talk to when I was a child.. it’s ridiculous. We lived far from any relatives. I stopped wishing after a while because it wasn’t going to happen and it wasn’t productive. But damn, even just being around occasionally to talk to and lean on and be stable when it gets tough is going to provide her with a world of good. In some ways, that is being saved.
I think you are doing the right thing by everybody. Sorry for the personal rant on your blog.
zelda´s last [type] ..Potential Analogy
Thanks, zelda. I think being the stable influence in their lives is the best I can offer right now.
Being a stable influence is PRICELESS. My Mother did the same for my daughters.
It’s unclear at this point what you can do for Jes, even if you wanted to. But it’s very clear what you can do for your grandchildren. Even if you can’t save Jes, you can save Babygirl and the unborn child by taking custody. In their case, this wouldn’t constitute another doomed rescue attempt. Taking custody away from their neglectful situation would make their lives far better, with a far more stable basis. Of course you want their mother to shape up and look after them, but the longer you wait around for that day to come, the more it’s negatively affecting them. You have a choice here, even if it’s horrendously hard.
Best of luck.
We’re not taking custody.
It isn’t always a choice to take custody or not take custody. It is easy to say from the outside looking in that they should take custody. But there is reality, there is also their own lives and that of kaya’s other children. Only kaya ans Scott know best because they live with it.
I honestly dont know what I would have done if I was in the same position. Only thought that came to mind was if I had to step in again due to my child being irresponsible and putting grandkids in danger with not being a responsible adult then I would have told her I will take the kids/help out/or do this on one condition. She gets her tubes tied so she cant bring any more kids into this world as she already has two to take care off and not doing it.
I don’t even think a doctor will tie tubes on a 20 year old. Nor would I try and force that on her. Who she is now isn’t who she’ll be in 5 or 10 years. That’s a permanent procedure. I just wouldn’t do that.
I would make the condition getting an IUD. It’s effective, temporary, and doesn’t require much thought.
I’m not making any conditions. It’s her body and her life.
Are you going to also revoke $$ help and pretty much be a grandma (spoil the child not the mom)?
My sister is much the same way as your Jess. She goes looking for crises I think. I feel for you and am also thankful that my sis doesn’t come to me looking for a hand out because she wouldn’t get one.
I already am. I haven’t done a thing for Babygirl since Jes announced her ‘news’. And I haven’t given Jes money in forever. I just don’t. She lives here, and as such she eats our food and whatever, but I don’t hand her money, and I’m not doing anything for Babygirl that I don’t want to be doing.
Speaking as a person with BPD, I know what your kid is going through – speaking as a mother, there is no excuse to not do the best you can for your kid. Your daughter, with or without BPD, should do what’s best for her kid and stop expecting everyone else to solve it for her. While her impulsiveness may be laid at the feet of her BPD (gods, don’t I know all about that) responsibility for a child is laid at hers – not yours. You did the best you could to try to help her in a tough situation and cannot hold yourself anymore responsible for her actions. Congrats! It may be hard but she needs to figure this out.
On another note, while I cannot advocate adoption (my daughter was adopted to give her a better life than I could give her) it may be the only smart move. Open adoption allows you to keep in contact and have updates as well so maybe she should consider that. Its hard. It hurts like hell but it is the only thing I could think of to give my daughter the best. I’ll be praying that whatever she decides, it turns out for the best. *hugs* if you have any questions, feel free to ask :)
Sephani Paige´s last [type] ..Have Dick, Will Travel
Thanks, Sephi. :)
I was just looking at pictures of Babygirl yesterday and wondering when you were going to post more…Dang. I didn’t see that coming at all. I don’t have anything to offer but I can say that I do know at least two couples that would give anything to have a child. They can’t do it on their own. I’m sure there are many such situations. As incredibly painful as that is, it might for the best to consider adoption. Would you and M really be able to raise two young ones? I have just the one and am struggling. Oh, man, I wish words could do more than they do…Hugs and love and wishing you strength.
Absolutely not. We cannot raise two little ones. Won’t.
I’m encouraging adoption. I just don’t see it happening.
This…. does not surprise me. Honestly. Jes is a walking, ticking, bomb. I’m so so horribly sorry for Babygirl and NewBaby.
Personally, if Jes was to stay under *my* roof after this baby, I’d *require* her to get Implanon or a coil. Hell, copper coils come without hormones and they can insert one right after giving birth.
Ffs. Screw you, Jes. Imma pissed.
I have no intention of keeping Jes under our roof after this baby comes.
But you’ll let her stay for the coming 8 months? It’ll be so very hard to kick her out with a newborn and it will be difficult for her to find a place after the baby’s born. It’s possible she won’t look for a place even, thinking you’ll come around.
Maybe it’s worth considering to have her move out in, for example, 2 months?
She’s already looking. She doesn’t want to live here anymore than I want her here.
My sister was disowned by my parents when she got pregnant with her second child at 18 with no way to support it. She wasn’t disowned because she had a baby; She was disowned because she kept dangling the baby as bait for my parents to come bail her out, help her out. The baby was an emotional pipeline that money, time, worry, and babysitting and leniency for horrible behavior ran through like shit to the sewer. Every time my parents would upset her, she’d threatened to give the baby up, go away and never come back, etc.
So after failing to get her to give them custody to the first child, she came to them pregnant again and they said “enough”.
They had another child (me) who wasn’t getting attention because the one who did wrong took up too many resources. (I’m the good one.. imagine that!) So anyway, my parents disowned my sister which meant saying goodbye to their grandkids off and it was a very very painful decision. It nearly broke them apart. (It was my dad’s daughter, but my mom’s stepdaughter.) They could have taken one grandchild, but not two, and then how many others would she drop off?
Well, my sister had her second baby. Then she had a third. It was hard on my parents every time someone would say “Hey, I saw _____ the other day.. she’s pregnant again.” or the hurtful calls from my sister to say “Your GRANDDAUGHTER is hungry and it’s your fault!” It was hard for them not to send the money, but they didn’t.
My sister gave up two children for adoption and another was taken from her by CPS. Two of them, my parents never saw. But later on, when she grew up emotionally, My sister had 4 more children, and she became a good mom. She’s not perfect, but she does pretty well. She and my dad renewed their relationship and it wasn’t ever the same, but he did see the kids she kept and they got to know their grandfather. And no one died. Three kids grew up in good adoptive homes. One was an open adoption, two were closed. Four kids are with their mother.
Formerly K.
It’s good to hear from you. :)
Even if it is with that story. :(
Sorry…
Master has a video of me dancing and singing along with the music in the grocery store. Sneaky Bastard snuck up on me while I thought I was alone on an aisle. I was singing a U2 song into a ketchup bottle. He said next time I’m bad, it will become a permanent part of youtube.
So there’s that.
IT WAS A GOOD SONG, OK!? and he’s just being UNREASONABLE.
I believe I’d like to see that. In fact, I NEED to see it. I need cheering up, don’t I? ;)
I love you, but don’t love anyone that much. It’s a serious “Not going to happen” on that one… I’m an ANGEL now.. and that video is in the vault. FO-EVAH
Wow. That’s a sobering story.
slaveindenial´s last [type] ..I’m a little alarmed…
I’ve mentioned before that my Mom has BPD. She was 20 when she had me. She was 22 when she and my (unmarried) dad split. She was 23 when she and my stepdad married. They’re still together today, but only because neither one wants to be alone.
She’s 48 now, and just starting to calm down. Getting sick (physically, with chronic things) made her stop drinking so much. She had a drug problem for a lot of years, including crack, then alcohol…and still takes pills for fun now.
My dads are both great guys, but they’re also hard, blue collar, outdoor workers who weren’t THERE much, and my stepdad has a problem with alcohol.
Know what, though? I’d like to think I’m pretty damn awesome. I was raised a poor kid, a fat kid, a bullied kid…and then there was my crazy mother at home, or out doing her crazy shit.
But…I wouldn’t change that. I honestly would not change the things that happened to me, the way that my mother was, because it has made me the person that I am today. Sure, I grew up too fast. Maybe I “missed out” on childhood things. But childhood, while early and defining, is such a small part of your life. I was a mother at 20 myself, a homeowner at 24. M and I are doing very well.
I used to say, spitefully, that I grew up the way I did DESPITE my parents (meaning my mother), not BECAUSE of them. However, as I get older, I think maybe I was exactly wrong. I think I got to be this strong, stable, independant person BECAUSE I had to deal with my mother. I think had I not grown up the way I did, I would’ve snapped years ago at all the health crap/doctors stuffs I’m dealing with.
I’m posting this because maybe it’ll give you some hope for Babygirl in what seems like a hopeless situation.
(Oh, as far as child support – generally child support percentages are determined by which mother files first, so if Jes hasn’t actually filed formal paperwork she may want to.)
Good luck. I don’t think divorce is what you’ve wanted, but I think maybe it’ll turn out to be what EVERYONE needs. Love to you.
takenbylovely´s last [type] ..Public Post
Yeah, she’s filed but the other girl filed first.
I know Babygirl will survive and adjust and blah blah blah. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could protect her from the chaotic life she’s in for, though. She *might* come out better for it, and she might not.
I absolutely don’t disagree. I’ve taken a lot of missteps in my own life, and “there but by the grace of…uh…something” go I, yanno? I was just saying that all is not lost, EVEN IF things get bad.
takenbylovely´s last [type] ..Public Post
And that’s really what I’m consoling myself with. I’m mentally listing everyone i know who didn’t have a perfect childhood (me included, and um.. like everyone else I know) and thinking of how they turned out– and not dwelling on those I know who didn’t turn out so well.. and… you know.. just generally driving myself insane with it all.
I’m going to step in here and add; think of all the people you know that had “perfect” childhoods and still didn’t turn out so well.
Good point. Thank you!
something i’m coming to realise: your childhood doesn’t have to define you – what you make of your life is down to you. you can tell yourself you’ve got your current problems because of XYZ from your childhood but the vast majority of the time you have those current problems because you’ve in some way or form chosen to (and I’m not talking about medical problems here, i’m talking about life choices). The point is, Kaya, is that both Jes, and babygirl, and newbaby, will make their own choices in their lives – the best thing you can do, as you have said, is to be a stable focal point for them – to show them that there is a way different to the chaos that Jes seems to be choosing right now, and that will help them as they grow up to make smart life choices, instead of wrong ones.
I don’t believe anyone has perfect childhoods in reality – everyone has some hurt from childhood, no matter how good their parents were. what matters is how you deal with that – and if you have a sunny disposition, then you’ll most likely *feel* as though you had a perfect childhood… even if you didn’t. if you have a sour, negative disposition, then no matter how good your parents were, you’ll take the time to pick out all the times you hated.
its a tough choice to have had to make and i really don’t envy you… *hugggsss*
keth
Thank you, kethry. And it’s great to see you around. :-)
you’re welcome, and i always read (we both do!), even if i don’t always post – too busy with studies!!!
Maybe…maybe…if Jes offers guardianship to you again…maybe you ought to take it.
Lexi´s last [type] ..Didn’t Take Long At All…
No, actually, I’m glad I didn’t.
She’s on her own with this now.
Prolife, not prolife.
The cycle: unprotected sex, pregnancy, keeping the baby, someone else raises it.
So: she is opposed to birth control obviously AND abortion AND adoption AND raising her kids herself, as time has clearly told.
Something has GOT to give. Implanted birth control, abortion, adoption.
Its too late for birth control at this present moment.
Abortion. Adoption. Or you will continue to play victim to her choices.
Time has shown that as well.
I don’t get the logic of having sex sex sex and not being on BC. She isn’t able to raise her kids even in the slightest bit. But oh heavens no abortion isn’t an option and as soon as this ‘thing’ becomes ‘real’ then will adoption be an option???
Really.
Something has got to give.
Personally, I’d be dragging her down to have an abortion because I’m betting you a dollar you will be raising this one too.
There, I said it.
C
Prolife, not prolife.
Um, what?
You know, I don’t get her logic either. And isn’t that what this post is about? Her failure at logic and birth control among other things? Do you think you’re pointing something out to me that I am missing?
Something does have to give. Me. I’m giving. Again, that was the other point I made in this post. Honestly.
And yes, I’ll just drag her down to the clinic and force her to have an abortion. Nevermind that she’s an adult and I can’t FORCE her to do anything.
I’ll see your dollar.
For Pete’s sake I hope M is the voice of reason at some point.
One grandchild – eh, OK. Still a crappy situation considering the way it all went down.
Two? Jeez us. Please, M, put your foot down & DO SOMETHING.
One won’t stop making babies & the other keeps enabling her.
Babies are not a ‘gift’. They are the product of unprotected sex, either planned or not. They aren’t ‘meant to be’. You ‘choose’ to have a child or not.
Just wait til she says ‘oh yea adoption. OK’ and then changes her mind after the baby is born!!!!
Then WHAT????
I srsly can not believe this.
Jess, you are not a victim unless you allow yourself to be the victim. How can she change if you don’t change? If you keep doing the same thing ovwr & over what do you think she will continue to do???
Its not a ‘baby’. Its a bunch of tissue. Its not a ‘gift from God’ or a ‘gift’ or ‘meant to be’. That is romanticizing the whole thing. This is a horrible situation with LIFE LONG consequences.
You said yourself its not ‘real’ yet. Well just cuz you can’t see a swollen belly or a newborn baby this situation is REAL.
I’m blabbing.
But I’m also completely dumbfounded that ‘jess is as prochoice as you’ and won’t allow an abortion.
Since when do you follow Jess’ logic????? She has none!!! Zero!!!! Zilch!!!!! Nada!!!!
OK I’m done.
Oh boy.
I seriously don’t think you are reading the words I’m writing.
In what part of this entry did I say I was going to continue to enable her?? Because I won’t try and force her to have an abortion?
Did you read the part where I said she chose to have these children? Or the part where I said I was divorcing myself from her issues? Or the part where I said we weren’t going to raise either of her kids for her?
If jes wants to have an abortion, she can get one. She doesn’t need my permission or my support. Christ, I’ll even pay for the fucking thing if she wants it. If she wants to give it up for adoption, I’m behind that, too.
If she chooses to keep it, that’s on her. It’s her kid. She’s an adult. It’s not my choice to make.
Also, what in the world do you think M is going to do?
Or me?
Other than, you know, what I already said we were going to do in this entry that I don’t think you are reading.
She can go on to have 20 kids if she chooses to. That’s the wonder of being an adult. She can choose birth control or not. Abortion or not. Adoption or not. It’s her decision. Her life. Her kids.
We aren’t paying for it. We aren’t raising them. That is ALL we can do.
That’s the end of our options. Which I just said we were going to do. So.. where’s the disconnect for you?
She’s not a little kid. She’s not a teenager. She may be acting like one, but she isn’t one. She’s TWENTY. My hands are tied.
Just a reminder – kaya is M’s slave, not Jess. And Jess is 20 – kind of old for M to be putting his ‘foot down’. And what is He supposed to do, force kaya to do something that may end up ruining their relationship? It seems to me that M did exactly what He needed to do, as has kaya. But that is just my vote.
I second that vote. Well said ayasha:)
Mind boggling. The whole thing. I wish I had words of encouragement or something useful to say but all I have is my own perspective of someone who can’t physically have kids & wants to more than anything. We’ve adopted twice previously & are currently active with an agency hoping to be matched with a 3rd. We did have a match back around Christmas but it fell through. So we’re back to waiting. The best I can really offer up here is to say that if she should seriously consider adoption send us a note. We’re homestudy approved, background checked, & already active with a reputable nation wide agency. I’d be happy to send her the link to our adoption profile & the agency would take care of everything (at no cost to her of course). They would also assist with living expenses & pregnancy related medical stuff. So it’s something to think about anyways….
mistik´s last [type] ..To 2012
I think adoption is a beautiful thing. I really do hope she goes that way with it. I don’t expect it, though.
Wow…after reading your blog for so long (lurking mostly) and reading about your daughter, I did not see this one coming. My heart breaks for all of you.
You have to do for you and not for your adult daughter. Those rules about paying for your children’s errors their whole life got tossed out somewhere along the line. There is no law that says you have to do it. Of course, let’s not tell my mother-in-law that one. She is the great enabler!
Really, my heart goes out to you guys.
Oh Jesus I love you.
“Those rules about paying for your children’s errors their whole life got tossed out somewhere along the line.”
THANK YOU!
No advice, just hugs and support. You guys are in my thoughts!
Thank you, sweetheart.
Kaya,
You’re doing the right things, both in “divorcing” yourself from Jess’ bad decisions and in not trying to force Jess into making certain choices.
To try to take care of the children she has is, in pstco babble, co-dependany (and we’re both all too familiar with that). There’s no guarentee that Jess will change her act if forced to live with the consequences of her choices, but it’s nearly a guarentee that she won’t if you keep taking care of them.
You can be grandma without raising the kids (though I have no idea how); many have managed it in the past. As the years go on, you may find yourself as the one she (babygirl) can go to to vent or whatever.
I don’t know what else to say. Your heart’s going to be broken more than once by all of this. You know where to go to get it fixed (S).
Dave
Thanks Dave. Nice to see you, btw. :)
Kaya,
Thanks. I’ve been busy teaching and writing down under. I’ve got some guest posts over at insatiable desires. Take care. :)
Dave
I never had children of my own, and have no regrets there. My slave/wife’s adult children have effectively divorced her for the decision to be with me. She says she’d do it again knowing the full consequences of her actions. I’m not sure I could have asked had I known the price . . .
You are in our thoughts and prayers!
Michael Samadhi´s last [type] ..gold, glitter, shadows and wandering – some things that are stolen, can never be replaced . . .
Thank you, Sir. :)
i won’t offer advice.
i will say…it’s a hard thing to say that you “enabled” Jes the first time…she was young, and there was babygirl to consider….
but your epiphany?
Came at a good good time.
If you get her anything for her birthday…it should be a giant box of condoms.
In fact, that should be her christmas gift from you from here on out. Just sayin…
and not making light of this, or not too much…
but i am sending GIANT HUGS.
and why was Jes on the couch while you had a spoon in your hand? if she’s there, she helps.
hell, even my 5 year old helps. She can get her 20 year old ass up off the fucking couch and help. or she can take her 20 year old ass out the fucking door.
(oops, feeling righteous indignation on your behalf…)
nilla
nilla´s last [type] ..Seedlings (2)
“She can get her 20 year old ass up off the fucking couch and help. or she can take her 20 year old ass out the fucking door.”
WIN – My daughter is 16, she helps cause I’ll kill her if she doesn’t
Vixen´s last [type] ..Poppa
*nodding*…yup, you got that right vixen!!
nilla
nilla´s last [type] ..Seedlings (3)
She helps. They all help.
Why assume she doesn’t help? Just because she wasn’t helping right at that exact moment? Really? I don’t always need or want help with what I’m doing.
sorry…i made a huge assumption there, kaya…that she was just sitting and watching you work…and it has sounded like she doesn’t help. My bad.
nilla
psst, I’m also in favor of getting Jes condoms for Christmas.
I think it would be entirely appropriate.
The availability of birth control has never been the problem. It’s her making the choice to USE it that is the problem.
Your epiphany sounds like the best day ever! And it’s probably one of the worst feeling days at the same time.
You have done almost everything that you can. The choice probably hurt, but it’s a good one to make.
I think we should go out to lunch and toast your decision! I totally support your decision!
Let’s plan something next week. I think The Boss is going to be out of town so I’ll be open. :)
Count me in on that one. Just let me know when okies?
I’m so sorry about all of this. I’ve learned in the past that even the ones you love can’t be helped sometimes…they have to make up their minds to help themselves. Some never do, and I hope that isn’t the case here. I may be just a lurker, but I’m sending you and yours good juju nonetheless!
Thanks. :)
It will be interesting to see what you do when she shows up at your door and begs you to take the kids for awhile, because she fears that they will be greatly harmed if you dont because she is so messed up. This will happen.
It might happen. We’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Master will decide the best course of action.
I have been a follower for years (mostly a lurker) and my heart aches for you. My beautiful special needs son came to my wife and me through adoption. I hope she takes that path. You have been hanging over the cliff for years keeping her from falling. You have to do what you need to do to keep her from dragging you off too. Best of luck!
Thanks.
Just lots of warm hugs and good energy to you! We only see a small portion of your life here, and we can only guess at the pain and frustration you are experiencing.
Keeping you in our thoughts for good things…
Mystress
Mystress´s last [type] ..Texas Time
That is true that I only share a small portion. People fill in the blanks for themselves. I’m used to it. :)
ps. Have I told you today that I think you are a strong, caring and wonderful Mom? Yes, even now, when you feel exactly the opposite. I saw the car, I saw her excusesI saw you NOT explode. Good Mom. Awesome Grandma.
Vixen´s last [type] ..Poppa
Agreed…whole-heartedly!!!!
MZs Girl´s last [type] ..Service Lag
The only issue I see down the line is the inevitable interaction between granddaughter and her other sibling(s)/mother. That’ll be tough. Babygirl will be (within all your powers) adjusted, provided for, educated. The other siblings may not.
I don’t have any easy answers or mean to add to your mental stress, but it is something to consider.
Jes’ penchant for crisis could spill over – even from a distance – to your beloved granddaughter.
But you’re a strong gal: it’ll sort it self somewhat with some separation.
I haven’t the space in my life to worry about the siblings. Their grandmas can tackle them.
I’ve seen this play out with someone else (not me thank the gods and goddesses). One daughter became pregnant as a teen. Emotional problems, etc. Dad and mom took them in,caring for the baby. It happened again, again, and again until there were four children from three fathers. The fathers are of three different races,and not involved with the children to complicate things even more. It took them until her 5th pregnancy to get where you seem to be. Tough love finally took hold. It was obviously a very hard situation for some time, but fast forward two years. The mom and five kids are living on their own, she’s in school and working. She had her tubes tied after last child was born. It ain’t perfect by any means but its better. I think Granddad and Grandma are going to make it too. They can start to actually believe that retirement might be in the cards for them.
Yeah, we ain’t getting to five, lol.
The order in which a custodial parent files for child support shouldn’t matter. In this state (CA), they consider the NP’s income, assess the amount he can pay, divide it among the children (oversimplified, but there is a formula that is used). When I worked at a child support enforcement agency, it wasn’t uncommon for a mom to come in or call and ask why she received less when it was because there was another case opened.
Well, I know for a fact that the first baby’s mother is (was) getting far, far more than Jes was, with the reasoning (from the court folk) that the other mom filed first and lived in the same state as the father- so her amount (including excess for back child support) was filled first, with Jes’s amount then being calculated on what was left of his earnings (sometimes that equaled zero dollars. Sometimes that equaled a whopping $7.00 A MONTH). Now that he’s government employed, things might be calculated differently. It doesn’t seem like anything is coming through regularly yet.
wow – Wyoming tells the father fuck you. It isn’t our fault you had so many kids. Get a 2nd job or a 3rd job – her is what you owe each mother.
In Colorado the oldest child gets the most. No matter who filed when. Michigan uses the mind bending support formula. Didn’t know filing first matters. That is extra harsh for Jes.
I live in PA, and here it’s done by who files first. Mom of twins got much less than a mom with one child from the same man, because the one with one child filed first. Not speculation, this is what they were all told.
takenbylovely´s last [type] ..Public Post
Hugs to you Kaya, you are right she has to learn from her own mistakes, she is an adult this time and has to take responsibility for her actions.
Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Old and a little trite but nevertheless true.
Hil
Yep. True story. :)
If it was me, I would kick Jes out and not financially support her at all. If she wants babysitting, she pays for it. I think babygirl needs a stable family, and maybe she and the new baby should be adopted out. It’s your life too, kaya. You need to take care of yourself, and you can’t do that with this emotional drain of a daughter you have. Your other kids deserve your attention and support, but Jes has only thrown it all back in your face. If she keeps her kids, she will have to deal with her failure to grow up one way or another. You will always be a part of their lives, but please don’t assume responsibility for them. She put herself in these situations, not you.
So what I guess I’m trying to say kaya, is put yourself and the rest of your family–the family that deserves it–first this time. They need you too. Jes doesn’t know how good she’s got it.
It will be hard, trust me. She will attempt to use babygirl and newbaby to manipulate the hell out of you, but stand firm.
I am the child my parents forgot about. They were so busy with my screwup of a brother.
Wow, TR, what a powerful reminder of all the other blessings one has…and our obligations to the kids who are not the “troubled” ones.
Your comment was poignant, and touched me. I hope you have found your own peace…
nilla
(sorry for hijacking your blog kaya, this just really got me choked up…)
nilla´s last [type] ..Seedlings (3)
Mhm.
I know where you are for I have been there too. My son is like Jes, he has 3 kids by 2 different girls and he turns 24 this month. It was hard, but I have finally let go, he has to take care of himself and his kids on his own. There is nothing I can do for him. My sole responsibility as should yours be is to take care of my husband and myself. You and I have raised our children, taught them right from wrong, now it is time to let them go, let them fall on their faces. They will either get up and dust themselves off or stay face first in the dirt.
I had a long talk with the other grandma the other day. It’s her son that’s fathered these four kids and she’s pretty broken up about it. A lot of guilt, self blame, embarrassment. I just told her it was time to let all of that go. He’s an adult now. This isn’t her fault.
Eh, I know we’ve only talked once or twice, but I feel like you’re one of those Internet people that, were we in the same room, we’d get along famously. Life is hard. Life is so fucking hard sometimes, but you are amazing. I’d take you out for a drink if I could. I watch my cousin and her children, one who at seven just stuck a straight pin up his nose (she probably laughed at him when he did it). I watch the one kid of hers that escaped to his dad’s and seems to be on the path away from delinquency. And I wonder, sometimes, if she has BPD.
The point I’m rambling around is that sometimes, people are who they are and there isn’t jack shit you can do about it, and if you try, you’ll rock the boat and end up six feet under. You can only help so much before you start to kill yourself trying. And I’m just really happy that someone as awesome as you saw the light, that she’s never going to change, and that you’ve got to live YOUR life. Not hers.
I really hope some of that conveyed the “yay you, sorry this sucks, but it’s the right thing” type of message I was going for.
It came through loud and clear. Thank you!
No suggestions, cause they have already been said…I just wish the very best for you! You’re in a very tough position and I think you have done everything you have been able to to help Jess. I do wish you a lot of strength throughout the upcoming months, and years, and I do hope Jess somehow comes around to being the best mom she can be.
Well hells. You know that you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t right? No matter what path you take you can’t fix any of it. You can just slap a bandaid on it and kiss the booboos and do a lot of time on your knees. Praying! *Gutterbrain* That is just how it is with kids.
Just remember….all babies, even the animal kind, turn us into suckers. It is hard to give tough love. Hell even if you give kids the moon at some point you are the evil, unfair, mean, unloving bitch at one point or another. Just how parenthood goes some times.
I am sure there are many rants in your future. We are tough…we can take it!
My heart goes out to you in this difficult time.
But this comment makes me think of the Simpsons’ movie trailer moment:
http://youtu.be/rFwm5Xk1YUw?t=38s
Hope this helps, even if only a tiny tiny bit.
haha. Yeah that sounds about right.
Ranting is what I do best.
I have no advice; only hugs — and an offer. I am pretty sure that my grown daughter (just turned 34) would be willing to talk by phone with you or with Jes if you think it would help. And if talking with me would help, that is an option as well. Drop me an email if you want to talk.
All the very best,
Sue
swan´s last [type] ..Vows
Thank you, Sue. :)
Here, Kaya, to cheer you up! :)
“Famous Paintings Improved With Cats”
http://www.sadanduseless.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/mona-lisa.jpg
Aaaaand more:
http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2011/09/famous-paintings-improved-with-cats.html
why am i looking at the Mona Lisa one and thinking “DO NOT WANNTTZZZZ!”?
I love the Mona Lisa one! He is def saying “DO NOT WANT!” I had that pic up in one of my browser tabs all day yesterday; every time I clicked on it, I cracked up all over again! Heh…
:-)
I can’t imagine the pain this is causing you. Or how hard this choice must have been to make. You’re doing the right thing. It may not feel like it and all the doubts and fears that will attack your resolve over the coming trials will make you question it but you are. You are doing what you need to do. For you, for your marriage, for your other children and for Jess. Maybe you can find a tough love group for parents, or a support group for parents of BPD’s. Something. Although judging by the comments here you have your own support group already. (Well except for a few with obvious reading comprehension issues ahem). Your a good Mom. A good Gma and a good person. Never doubt it because you are an inspiration to a lot of us, you really are.
Thank you Nicole. I know it’s going to be a long hard road.
Good grief! I’ve been wondering where you have been, and on the one hand it’s great to see you posting, and on the other… I’m really sorry for the rough news. From what you have shared, I can understand why you are deciding what you need to do, and I wish you every bit of luck in the world with it. People have offered a lot of good advice, but you are the only one who really knows what you need to do, and I am sure you’ll do it. I wish I lived closer to you, as I’d take you out for lunch or a drink… or both. ;) I will hope for the best for you and I know you will do the best you can, and that’s all one can do, and it’s enough. Hugs to you and all your family!!
Definitely a drink. Forget lunch, let’s just get drunk. -nods-
I’m sorry about this newest situation with Jess, but honestly got the impression from your writing that you have a sense of relief now that you’ve made the decision to step back and stop taking responsibility for her actions.
You are doing the right thing. Letting our children fail is one of the hardest things in the world to do. It is counter-intuitive, we want to coddle and save and rescue and make all the mistakes go away. But in the end, these are her mistakes to make and you are right, you and Scott cannot make her decisions for her.
{{{hugs}}} I’m sending you lots and lots of hugs because this isn’t going to be easy. You’re going to doubt yourself and be angry and sad and hurt and go through all the other stages of greiving, but please know we will be here to support you.
Thanks, junebug. I’m stockpiling hugs in the back room. ;)
Oh, Kaya, I wondered why you have been so quiet lately. My heart goes out to you over all this.
I’ve made similar decisions in the past and I think you are doing the right thing. You MUST put your relationship before everything else. She is an adult, after all, and I firmly believe that the best therapy for BPD is to be forced to deal with the consequences of your own behavior.
I know you and Scott will be watching and supporting from an appropriate distance.
You are both strong enough to see this through.
C x
Thank you Ms D. We are strong enough- well.. HE is. I’m not so sure about me, though.
You’re right. This whole situation is going to continue to hurt like an absolute fucker.
You are strong enough. You just need to trust in Scott.’s ability to make good decisions.
I feel mostly bad for you both. Been trying to think of what to say of comfort. Only this…
40 ish daughter had 4! to two loosers, now all 4 are ok, and she is doing well. We didn’t raise them but we did do the grandparent thing and they only lived with us 6 mos. in 20 plusyears. You two WILL do it. Best wishes
Thank you for the vote of confidence. :)
At the age of 20, ( i am 25 now) I got pregnant. I was no where near capable of raising a child the way I think one should be raised. So I gave her up for adoption( open adoption) I can still see her, still have a relationship with her and her adoptive family, but I legally have no rights to her. She is happy and healthy. And I can see that. And thats what matters to me. It was not easy. Perhaps open adoption is a viable option for Jess?
I don’t know. She’s talking about it, she knows how it works, so maybe?
A big hug
Kaya
Thank you!
Oh dear.
I hope it all manages to work out for you and Scott, Jes and both the babies.
Are her and BabyDaddy still talking about getting married? Cause with home in the military that could provide housing and a support network of other army mums. Being around other Mums who are doing the right thing would put pressure on Jes to be more responsible too, and show her that it can be done, and not just by “old” people.
Surely her doctor will talk to her about birth control after the birth – I know mine always did. Maybe you could encourage her to go with an implant or injection so its reliability isn’t dependent on her remembering day to day or in the heat of the moment.
Good luck. I’m sure you realise how hard it’s going to be taking a step back from BabyGirl after raising her and bonding to her so closely for this long.
Well. She doesn’t know what he’s going to think because he doesn’t even know about it yet. She seems to think that the chance of him still wanting to stay together and get married and the chance of him dumping her when he hears the news are equal. I know she’s hoping he’ll marry her and move her to base, but until he finishes with basic and she can talk with him, it’s up in the air.
She knows her birth control options. She’s been down this road before. It’s not a matter of ignorance about how to prevent it, more a matter of ignorance on why she’s not preventing.
Him in the military.
Sorry, iPad is deciding what I want to say for me
I have not yet read any of the replies. But you hit the nail on the head when you asked when does it stop. I know of grandparents who are raising several grandchildren because their daughter (one daughter) kept getting pregnant over and over. And she did not have to raise any of them from the time they were born. As you said, when is enough, enough?
It’s pretty hard to turn your back on your grandkids, I can tell you that. I can understand it.
WOW…Just…uh..yeah
That is a hard decision, especially since i’ve seen how much you love babygirl.
She won’t learn until she’s pushed hun… It has to be done…and it will be harder on you than it is on her or the kids…really; it will be.
You are right…you can’t save them..and this will happen (i’m willing to bet) at least once more (a person in Michigan can get state help for tubal ligation after three kids).
You have to think about your life. How many times have i seen you write about what it’s going to be like when the kids get out.
You will not help them by raising the grandchildren – they need to do that on their own. Trust me…i wasn’t allowed to do it, and i was made better for it.
*great big hugs*
MZs Girl´s last [type] ..Service Lag
I know. -sigh-
I can’t really say anything more then what has already been said. I also know that what I say may not hold much weight as I have no children of my own.
I know that it has been a long and hard road for you. But I know that you have made the right choice. Both for you and Jess and Babygirl.
If you need to talk or want hugs or whatever, give me a call or txt. Let me know when you and Mira are going to go out, I wanna see you!
*big hugs* Sending you good energy.
I don’t know what day, but I’m open pretty much all week so you guys decide what works for all of you!
Been reading you for years, wrote to you once on Fet a year or two ago.
For what it’s worth, i think you’re making some very healthy choices for you and your family, and am sad to see the situation that forced those decisions. i can’t comprehend the position you must be in.
I regret to see that people are criticizing your choice to avoid codependency and to allow your child to face the consequences of her actions. As a formerly-wayward young person, i can say that my family and my Owner allowing me to take responsibility for my choices has been the greatest gift, and turned my life around. i hope the same for Jes, for Babygirl and Newbaby’s sake, and yours.
Wishing you peace and fortitude during all of this.
-e-
I’ll be criticized no matter what I do. It comes with the blogging territory. -shrug-
Just another great big hug!
Mystress
Myst´s last [type] ..Texas Time
You have to do what you think is best. It should all work out in the long run. Hang in there.
My biological mother had me right after she turned 18, gave me to my grandparents 5 years later. My grandmother was the best mother anyone could have ever asked for – but when I was 9, my bio-mom had another little girl, and kept her, specifically to use her as leverage – as another reader mentioned in a comment above, in their own family – to always get whatever she needed or wanted out of my poor, guilt-ridden grandma. Time, money, stress.. My grandmother never was able to stop enabling her, until the day she died. If you ask me, and Grandmama’s other 3 kids, biomom is the one who drove her into an early grave.
I am so desperately sorry that you are having to go through this, and I just had to add my voice of support to the mix. I think you are doing the best thing you possibly could do for all parties involved. She’s your daughter, after all – she has to have the capacity somewhere inside herself to harden up and do what she needs to do for her family. Hopefully, with your decision to divorce yourself from her problems, she will find that capacity within herself, and grow into a wonderful mother for her babies.
My biomom never got the chance to try, because of my grandmother. No matter how many times I tried to convince her she was hurting my little sister more than helping her by continually bailing biomom out, she never listened to me. As far as I am concerned, you are giving your daughter, and your grandbabies, the best possible chance for a happy, healthy life by doing this, and even though it breaks my heart to know how stressful and painful this all is for you, it also gives me a great deal of hope and joy – that your family can avoid path that my family went down. Stay strong. You can do it.
Hugs~
You are right as she is an adult and it is not your issue, but I do not blame you for trying to do what is best for Babygirl.
Kaya, Scott, even Jess(a bit) I am so very sick and saddened for all of you. This is not a happy situation, it sucks, it’s painful, it’s maddening, and it’s overwhelming.
I definitely have nothing worthwhile to say in the short-term, but I do believe that over time you’ll come to some kind of healing and some kind of resolution.
Beneath the (justified)anger and frustration there is a lot of love, and you do have lots of options. Mind you, some of them totally suck, but they’re still options.
I’m just flapping my hands wishing I could be helpful but … you are excellent loving parents, excellent people, and you have to save your own lives first.
Best hopes and wishes (and many tears on your behalf.)
Thought a while before I posted here. There is nothing I can say that will take the pain away. There is nothing that will make the issue go away either. I can offer some advice though from a different perspective. I have a child a bit older and we used the tough love method but just watched that they did not fall thru the cracks. No cash but food, no money for a computer but a laptop that could not be returned. IT broke my heart to watch but it was needed to allow them to stand on their own. IT took about 12 years but finally they are doing it in their 30s.
You said you and Scott are strong, I understand the dynamic and I have been following you for a long time now. Now is time to lean on him. He will make sure you stay strong and you lean and obey. You will beat yourself up at times but he will be there the rock in the storm as he has so often. He knows it is coming and he has not fled so I would bet that you can be put back under the desk and used again. I figure he might have to use you more right now to tire you out a bit so you do not stress but that will be his call. I do not know all the facts nor should I but a blended family is always tough but the dynamic of the two adults should be strong thru it all. Defer to him and talk to each other. Tell him your fears and angers, I am sure he will listen. He might just say something flip or whatever but it will be out there and he will understand and you guys will be stronger for it too.
Thank you, John. :)
That is exactly how we plan to handle it. Divorcing myself from her problems does not equal cutting her and her children out of my life. It simply means refusing to be pulled in and manipulated by her various dramas and issues. I have no qualms about helping out with groceries or babysitting while she works (assuming she stays in the area). But I’m not going to do it for her. Her kids, her life.
M’s a great wall to lean on, and a great door to try and pass when I’m about to do something stupid. So I’m covered there. :)
Oh kaya. I’m so sorry. There isn’t much I can do, but I offer you e-hugs because that’s really the only help I can give you. Your frustration, anger and sadness are very understandable.
Owl´s last [type] ..What the heck is M/s?
Oops– sorry, I don’t know why my comment automatically inserted a link my last blog post in there. I didn’t do that on purpose!
I’ve done graduate-level work in the understanding and treatment of BPD. The two top risk factors are having a Borderline mom and disrupted bonding with the primary caregiver in the first five years of life. Divorce your daughter if you must, but please be aware that if Babygirl grows up in your daughter’s care, the odds that she becomes Borderline too go up to “it will take a miracle to avoid it.” If you have any influence at all, bribing her to let you raise Babygirl is probably the only way to avoid this cycle repeating on your great-grandkids. Someone has to stop the cycle. If your current marriage is too important to you to be the one to do that, that’s your decision. But please understand that IS the decision you’re making. And maybe start a mutual fund for residential therapy for Babygirl in about fifteen years?
We understand the decision we’re making, thank you.
I am so damn proud of you Mama Bear. Sending lotsa love and hugs because none of it is easy. xxxxxxx
impy´s last [type] ..Clusterfuck mornings.
kaya..I have been reading your blog for a while now. I wish I had lots of answers for you but I dont. But I can tell how much you and Scott love and take care of those kids. All of them. I am in awe at the things you do. you are strong and My hero. Go with your heart. Do your best. Thats all we can do. Hugs to you.
MD
Married Domme´s last [type] ..Things that make you go hmmmmm? or wtf? ha
Wow…
I come in on occasion and play catch up. Sunshine led me to your blog and I still enjoy reading it here and on FL.
I have a question about baby daddy, and you don’t have to answer…but I am curious. I thought the military was real good about cutting the paycheck to cover child support. I’m sure y’all have looked into it but have never read anything on the topic.
Regardless…you two seem to weather the storms, and I think everyone knows you will eventually find the right path for you. It’s just difficult when the other parts of your life keep throwing curve balls at you.
Much love from TX
Hoss
I would have to say that you are doing the right thing. Your daughter seem like my sisters twin. I can say from experience that if you continue to let it happen, then it will continue to happen. My sister has 2 children by a man that has 9 other children. Yes that is right. You heard me, 9!!!!! He has not been there for them either. My sister gets into trouble everywhere she goes. She expects everyone to give her hand outs. She has never kept a job for very long and so on. I think because she has been given a lot she continues to expect people to continue on. Believe me, it is not pretty when you tell that little girl no either. However, I have distances myself from her as well. I helped when the babies where growing up. We watched them, cared for them, helped with diapers, money etc. But then we stopped. She is not happy about it. However now, ANYTIME she asks for anything I say no and that is that. I do not care if she screams and yells, that is what the call end button is for. Mind you we think she is bipolar as well. I just wish that people would have all started telling her no a long time ago. Yes she still has people that gives her, her way. But I am not one of those people, nor will I ever be one of those people ever again. Do I feel bad for my nieces? Hells yes I do. Have I thought about taken them? Yes I have. But really what good would that do, but free up her little life to do has she pleases, while added less time for myself and my slave to have time together. We already have a 9 year old cutting into our time and to work around. Why would I add a 6 and 5 year old to the mix at this point. Just stand your ground. I know it will be hard, but she has to learn her lesson and it is time for her to grow up. Or you will need up with a 27 year old daughter just like my sister.
Even though you do not know me, it just some thoughts to think about.
Respectfully,
Erin
Umm…we should curl up with a bottle and have a long talk really, really soon. I think I was Jes. I’m calling my Mom immediately and thanking her for EVERYTHING. As a teen parent (16 and 19) you simply don’t see it in this light. Its just bad things happening. Not what you can do to prevent them. Real eye opener here from the other side. I never realized how much pain and anguish other people went through with me or because of me. After I crawl out of this moment of clarity and pity party I’m soooo calling my Mom. For the record..my 2 grown daughters are probably only sane due to the fact my Mother WAS the stable influence. I applaud your choice to distance yourself, yet still be there.