“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
The closer it gets to Christmas the less inspired I am to finish putting decorations up. It seems like every year my Christmas spirit shrinks a little more.
Pretty soon I’ll be a shriveled up old hag, walking around kicking mall Santas in the shins.
But the tree is up, at least. More for the benefit of Babygirl than anyone else, though. She was so cute helping us decorate it. She kept running around going, I so assighted, Beebaw! (that would be ‘excited’ btw, in case you don’t know Babygirl-ese.)
Speaking of her language, for those who are not on my Facebook and miss my constant blathering about her, her pronunciation of “Pixie Stick” is highly inappropriate and funny as shit. The ‘x’ is an ‘s’ and the ‘st’ is a ‘d’. I am amused and refuse to correct her. I’m a bad granny.
So, for awhile Jes was talking about moving. She’s so flighty, though, and I know I say that a lot. She makes my head spin and I have trouble keeping up. The other day M made a comment about how I never tell him anything (about her doings) and I said that was because by the time I have a chance to tell him, she’s changed her mind and is on to something else already.
I think the last I shared here was that she was planning on going to the university and getting into the family housing on campus. The whole registration process required a $175 down payment fee, that, when it came to Am’s registration, we paid without hesitation. With Jes, I was waiting until the last possible due date. Because….
…within just two weeks of being accepted, she started talking about getting married to ‘Baby Daddy’ guy, with whom she still has an on-again/off-again affair going on, and who is currently at basic training in the army (yay for a step in the right direction from ONE of them, at least!).
So, yes, she was going to get married and follow him to where he was assigned to base housing. Which was, apparently, in El Paso, Tx.
But not a week prior to telling me this new plan, she was telling me about some guy she was skyping with on the net who lives in Colorado and she wanted to meet him and did I think it was weird to meet people off the net (haha).
As much as the idea of Babygirl being all the way in El Paso, Tx. pains me horribly, I latched on to the idea of Jes being all the way in El Paso, Tx.–and thus out of my hair and into someone elses. I liked that idea. A lot. A lot more than I should have.
Honestly, people. Bad mom label or not, she is WORK. A vacation from the chaos sounded wonderful. You have no idea.
But then.. just yesterday… she signed herself up with a group therapy course for her BPD. I know she needs to do that. But… fuck me if I wasn’t FILLED with disappointment when she then said that she probably was not going to go with Baby Daddy. At least not yet.
Seriously. Disappointed.
Unless you’ve lived with someone who has BPD, you just don’t know. You can’t know. I feel terrible thinking and feeling the way I do. My first thought when she said she was going to marry him and move out was “Finally! You can be someone elses problem!” Isn’t that awful?
That does it. I’m going to hell. -nods-
I read this recently about BPD: “People with BPD are born with an innate, biological sensitivity to emotions, e.g. they have quick to fire, strong, reactive emotions. Children who are emotionally sensitive take special parenting. Sometimes, the parents of the person who develops BPD just aren’t as emotional and cannot teach their child how to regulate intense emotions. We tell clients that they are like swans born into a family full of ducks. The duck parents only know how to teach the swan how to be a duck.”
I’m a duck, see? Quack.
Probably the most frustrating thing for me about living with Jes and her diagnosis is that M isn’t really on board with it. The diagnosis, I mean. It doesn’t seem to matter what material I present him with, there’s a part of him that is convinced she has more control over it than she does, that it’s, in part, deliberate; thus, he takes a good bit of it personally.
I not only understand it, I am aware of how it manifests itself and even *I* have a hard time not taking some of her behaviors and outbursts personally. So I get it. But I can generally talk myself back into what her reality is. I’m not sure he does- or even tries. :(
I always feel like I’m in the middle, with no one to really turn to about it. If I try to talk to him about it, even just to vent a little bit and get some of the frustration out, he holds on to what I say as evidence or proof or… something.. i don’t even know what. He adds it to the arsenal he seems to be building against her.
I know that he’s stretched real thin right now. I know that the resentment is building and building, primarily over finances and supporting not only her, as an adult, but her child, as well. And I don’t want to keep making excuses for her or trying to justify her actions, yet.. there IS justification and there is reason.
It’s all hell. Seriously.
I’m no psychic but I can predict how this is all going to turn out. I really can. He’s going to lose his shit at the same time she loses hers and all. fucking. hell. is going to break loose. I’m praying, praying, praying that she makes some significant progress in therapy before he comes unglued.
I don’t mean to trash talk him either, because, as I said, living with someone like her is difficult and he’s been phenomenal. Phenomenal. Hell, even I break sometimes and lash back at her. I’m not made of stone. Neither is he.
I just feel like I’m holding my breath all the time, and I just want to breathe for a minute. I’m sure he feels the same way.
I have a voicemail that she left me a few weeks ago saved on my phone. She was mad at me, of course, and just… ranted and raved for a long time. About how much she hates me. How she’s going to take babygirl and disappear. How I need to just shut the fuck up. On and on…
I saved it, initially just to let my mom listen to it; which may be playing dirty but every time I try and talk to my mom about Jes, she dismisses me with this “Jes doesn’t talk like that. She would never.” End of conversation. So suddenly I had this proof and I wanted to be validated.
Now I’m just holding it and listening to it the way a person pokes a sore tooth with their tongue. It’s painful. And I can’t bring myself to erase it.
Bah.
She’s going to drive me to the looney bin.
So get this, all of you who tried to tell me I was “overreacting” back when she was living with those fucked up people over the summer and had Babygirl with her and I was threatening her then with a custody fight because I *knew* that was a bad situation going on over there.
Last week, Jes *herself* called and turned the other girl she had been living with into CPS. See, once she was removed from the situation and got a good look at it from the outside, gee, shooting up and being drunk and having violent fist fights and wild parties with kids in the house really IS a big deal. Jes went there a few days ago to catch up with her “friends”. There’s a 2 yr old (not babygirl, another one) and a 4 yr old in that house, who were hiding in the closet while mom and her boyfriend shot up in the bathroom, started cooking food on the stove and forgot about it, had a fist fight, and were still sleeping the next day at noon when Jes left, leaving the kids unsupervised and unfed.
So you see? I’m NOT making this shit up. I’m glad she called and reported them. That’s a sign of progress, no? I think it is. The ability to recognize a bad choice and how it affects a child? It has to be.
Well shit. I hadn’t even intended on talking about her today. Things are just really frustrating right now. Am still hasn’t found a job. Jes had one and got fired. M’s irritated. I’m irritated. It seems like we’re both trying to avoid having everything blow up.
And yet, it isn’t nearly as bad as it all sounds when it’s typed out like this, either. We’re not fighting or anything. We’re tired and stressed and struggling, but not with each other. Sometimes I get fed up with him seeming to blame them for everything, and he gets fed up with my refusal to blame them for anything. Heh.
Kids are just a special sort of hell, aren’t they?
Joy to the world, and shit.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday December 7th, 2011 8:49am
I’ve lived with someone who had BPD, and just wanted to say I understand the frustration, the no-way-to-win, the taking it personally, the wondering how much can be controlled and how much is manipulation. All of it. You’re doing better with it than my family did.
I am usually a lurker but had to comment on this as I loved what you said, the honesty, and frankly the title of the post. Unless a person lives in your house, they cannot understand the stresses you are under. My wife and I have a special needs 3yo son with a genetic disorder and we get comments from the peanut gallery all the time. Stay strong and thank you.
Just wanted to say, I understand a bit of what you’re going through. My teenage nephew, who has BPD, lived with me for a while last year and it was incredibly stressful. It was a relief when he left, even though I love him and want the best for him. At least he did not come with a baby!
Family is the single most difficult group of people to deal with in anyone’s world I think.
On the pixie sticks…There’s a transformers character called Ratchet. My three year old says “rat shit” and his big brother gets him to say it over and over and over again.
lil´s last [type] ..Chocolate, Chocolate, And Did I Mention Chocolate?
Kaya, all the best. I don’t understand what you’re going through. Knock on wood, mine seem to be normal enough – whatever that means! But all the sympathy in the world. Imagine if you didn’t have your personality and sense of humor. I’d think it would a hell of lot harder. Best!
I know exactly how you feel. I am going thru the same thing with my son. He doesnt have BPD, but he does have other issues that require meds. I know the frustrations,and I know the feeling of wanting your kid to just go, but the guilt that you feel because you want them to go. Just remember to take care of you and M.
Another lurker that had to comment :) Seriously, I sympathise. I really do. My advice (not that you asked or anything :) ) is to back off a little. Some tough love. You and M cannot carry Jes and Babygirl both forever. At some point, Jes is going to have to learn to deal ON HER OWN with her BPD. And that means living on her own, with or without Babygirl, handling a job, sucking it up and MANAGING her own life, as opposed to what it sounds like she’s doing now–letting everything slide and just wallopping you and M when she is in the throes of BPD or just plain upset. Excuses only run so deep; same with reasons. At some point, we all have to grow up.
And I mean all of this in the most supportive, non-critical sense you can imagine.
k´s last [type] ..“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
Is there a support group for parents of mentally ill children nearby? Or could you see a counselor who specializes in BPD issues? The only thing I might suggest (for whatever some random lurker’s thoughts are worth) is find a friend who is willing to be your sounding board, only so that your resentments don’t become M’s and add to his.
Hi Kaya,
Another lurker here that finally felt the need to comment.
I hope this site can give you some support: http://bpdfamily.com/
Please check it out.
It definitely gave us a lot of insight and advice.
I feel sorry for all your struggles and stress and I hope things will calm down soon.
I also feel for Jess, I talked with alot of people with BPD, and living with this is apparently hell, very difficult and lonely inside.
Strength and love to all of you!!!
My mom’s got BPD. She’s just now starting to flirt with being human. You have my sympathies and love.
Ellen´s last [type] ..Public Post
My ex husband’s father is schizophrenic, and as his mother is elderly and getting less able to cope every day, he is an only child, and we lived very close by, a huge amount of his care fell to us.
Dealing with a loved one with mental health problems is a uniquely heartbreaking experience.
I think it’s important to remember that mentally ill people can and do use their condition to manipulate. They are often very practiced at it, and well aware of the conflict and guilt the people who love them feel when suspecting it.
My father in law would behave appallingly, and if you tried to call him on it he and his wife would both blame the illness. But while the condition can effect the sufferer’s reactions to and perceptions of events, the sufferer is still a person with a complex personality. I’m sure Jes doesn’t like being defined by her illness. By using it as an excuse for behaving badly and treating those who love her badly, she is doing just that. It isnt the illnesses “fault” when she achieves, and it’s not all about the illness when she fails.
Sorry to rant, but I think it’s really important to acknowledge. And don’t feel bad for suspecting that she uses her condition to manipulate. She does. She’s human.
My eventual stand with my father in law was: You are not to blame for the fact that you are mentally ill. You are not capable of controlling all of your behavior due to your illness. We love you and are family, and as such have an obligation to help you in any way we can, but if we are doing everything we can to help you, then you have an obligation to do all that you can to help yourself and to help us to help you.
It’s hard, especially with kids involved. It used to terrify me having him around the kids, cause he was so unpredictable.
Good luck, and sorry about extensive rant xx.
I have BPD. I had originally been diagnosed with depression when I was a teenager. The shrink basically thought the rest of it was “normal” teenage shit. Well, as I got older it got worse, and worse and worse. This IS something that will get worse with age if you do not seek help. I tried just going into a support system. It didn’t work. Just sitting around talking about it doesn’t help. Why? Well, while you’re sitting there talking it all sounds great. You can do this! But then you start sliding to one extreme or the other and all logic can leave you. I know it was hell on my Husband. I know this. But if it weren’t for Him I never would have sought help. It took a while but I’m now on the right mix of medication to help me deal with it. I can still feel and express my feelings but I don’t go into this whirlwind where I don’t even realize what I’m saying or doing. Master will even tell you that I’m a totally different person now. I mean, I’m still ME, but I’m a more logical and rational me.
It’s hard. It’s real, regardless of what people say. I know it’s harder to “prove” to someone that you have a condition when it isn’t physical.
Medication, in my opinion, would be the best thing for your daughter. I don’t know if she has any health insurance or not, but I would say that would be the best route.
You get so lost in the moment and are so flighty at times that it not only drives everyone around you crazy you start to lose your own grip. I’ve broken down quite a few times bawling because I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me.
Coyote’s Kitten´s last [type] ..Blog Stalking!
Just because I read both blogs, I want to point out that when Kaya says BPD she means Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bipolar Disorder.
Sometimes they can present similarly, but they’re two completely different conditions.
Exactly. And medicating a personality disorder doesn’t help. I’ve been told that the only difference between bipolar and borderline is whether or not medication controls the symptoms. With bipolar, it will. With borderline PD, it won’t.
STOP beating yourself up. you are not a bad mother, you are just saying what a lot of mother’s think.
“So get this, all of you who tried to tell me I was “overreacting” back when she was living with those fucked up people over the summer and had Babygirl with her and I was threatening her then with a custody fight because I *knew* that was a bad situation going on over there.”
Not me, I was trying to get you pointed in the direction of taking this seriously, that this was going to be long term soul deadening work. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, for disaster to strike is normal, and it usually does. The main question is how long will it take for your daughter to reach bottom and to finally decide that she wants to do something about this, and how much will your Grand Daughter get hurt in the process, and what will BabyGirl getting hurt do to you??
If I were you I would be looking for an online support group for loved ones of what her diagnosis is. Blogging about it is helpful, but you really need to be around others who have walked a few steps in your shoes, and not a lot of people have, especially in the UP.
My wife is a survivor of extreme childhood sexual abuse, and very few guys who marry these highly traumatized people can make a go of it, but I was helped a great deal by sharing notes with other guys in my position.
What hawkeye said!!!
I’m here for you if you need Kaya but Adhd is NOT the same as bpd even if some of the symptoms are the same. Support groups are awesome, and you have a few friends here that HAVE bpd that can maybe give you insights on what will help her? I (having been to your house) KNOW that you are a good mom. Cause I’ve seen it…
Vix´s last [type] ..Sad
I just want to echo the others that if you can find a support group for families/parents of people with BPD either online or offline, I think it would definitely be beneficial. If it was an offline one and M was willing to go a couple times, it might also be really helpful for him to get some sense of what is/isn’t under Jes’s control.
I was diagnosed with the old fashion term “Manic Depression” when I was 13. (For the record I was medicated at one point, but quit because the side effects sucked). My mom never had the insight you did, or the patience and understanding.
You are working through the issues you have by blogging. You have a huge network of friends/bloggers that listen and offer advice. You won’t implode mentally nor will you feel isolated and alone.
I envy you. I wish my own mother would have been more like you. Jes is lucky, even if she doesn’t always see it or know it.
Theresa´s last [type] ..Tracking The Loss
So I read all of this and started tearing up at your description of Jes and her poor choices. I thought “OMG that is exactly how I feel with my oldest” and then I thought “shit I iz prbly gonna have a grandbaby to early too and she will not be able to take responsibility and I will be raising the baby because- well simply because it is an innocent baby in our family”. Paranoid much? Me? Never…
Then by the time I read “BPD” I could not hold back the tears. Once you got into Scott not buying it and how it has had such affect on your lives I was in a full fledge break down mode and bawling. Then Master took me aside for a time out to help me sort out my feelings (which I can hardly ever do on my own because most every feeling = anger because I do not *get* emotions beecause I have BPD). Then I think OMG my oldest does not have ADHD, ODD, Depression, PTSD, OCD- nope she is misdiagnosed because she probably has BPD too.
So lots of thinking on this post, and I thank you because sometimes I need a little push to deal with the shit inside of me before it builds up more and blows.
But I digress, this is what I can give for my 2 cents worth…
Every feeling you or Scott have about her doing things deliberatly-
well she *is* and she *isn’t*. See, when either of you feel like “my God is this ever going to end with her” or “jesus will she ever get her shit together in these ares of her life”-
She is thinking the same of her self magnified deep down and she feels so damn helpless. She manipulates because it is a consistence feeling of control and safety for her. She likely can not categorize her emotions let alone figure out what they are or where they stem from.
It is easy for everything to build and her to blow over the stupidest thing- but it is not even said “thing”, simply build up of not knowing how to handle lots of things.
She will always blow up the most on those she loves the most – especially you. Because she NEEDS the feeling & proof of unconditional love over and over again.
And I get it- more than you know. Not only do I have BPD, so does my sister, and we suspect our mother and grandmother and probably my oldest daughter. AND not only was I a VERY difficult teenage girl, I have one too. In fact, that is really putting it nicely. I cannot image if she were to get pregnant but I know it is a realistic fear.
I do not know how my Master / Husband does it, or your’s even eh? I know if she were not my kid it would be some damn tempting to be all like “see ya, maybe, in X amount of years, when she *might* be moved out, I am outta here… They truly must love a challenge. I know mine does, the bigger the challenge the better. Well shit than I am your girl / package lol.
I hope I said something helpful. I hope this comes across as respectful as I mean it. It can sometimes come out wrong in writing.
peace,
~vie
viemoira´s last [type] ..Raking HNT
P.S. That is the LONGEST damn comment I have ever made in my entire life.
viemoira´s last [type] ..Raking HNT
I have nothing to add in about Jes – I sympathize although I can’t empathize because I’ve never been there. It sounds like an incredibly rough situation and I too hate that feeling of walking on egg shells, waiting for the next foot to fall.
But the real reason I’m commenting is because my daughter is 2 and Babygirl’s pronunciation of pixie stick had me giggling, reminding me of my own daughter’s story that is going to haunt her the rest of her life. When she was first learning to talk, like most kids she couldn’t pronounce Ls at all. But unlike most kids, she developed an obsession with clocks. She liked to announce every time she saw one. Cept she couldn’t say Ls, so she didn’t try. Which meant I had a two year who loved loved to yell “clock” just without the L sound.
I remember taking her grocery shopping and we passed a big old clock on the wall. My daughter got so excited…she screamed “Clock! Mama, clock!” Except…in her own baby way. I got the dirtiest look from a pair of old ladies in the aisle with us – I was torn between laughing hysterically at their reactions and explaining she meant clock. Haha.
Ekho´s last [type] ..I wasn’t in the mood…
I can’t imagine. I just wish all of you the best. Thank you for sharing with us – she is very lucky to have you, and so is Babygirl.
It’s probably been said before – maybe even in the comments above – but YOU need to get some help with coping. I’m not saying this in a bad way, so please don’t take it that way. See if there is any support services you can avail yourself of.
- Don
Oh boy. BPD is horrible.
My Ex husband has BPD & I’m telling you all unless you’ve lived with someone with BPD you have NO IDEA just how fucked up these people are (sorry kaya).
I read books on ‘how to live with some with BPD’. The drama the BS the WORK that goes into maintaining a relationship was just waaaaay too much. Its not normal & its not even close to being functional. Complete dysfunction ALL THE TIME.
I left with are garbage of clothes & thank goodness myself & my two kids were still alive. I should have let him cut his left hand off that night he locked himself in the bathroom with the bathtub running and a bowie knife.
Good Luck kaya.
Its a horrible thing for anyone to have to go thru.
My Ex BPD ‘er couldn’t live in the NOW. Everything was always sooooo bad & he carried past events into the current & geez us…LET if fucking GO for Pete’s sake.
I of course believe everyone should read The Power of Now. I don’t care what your ‘craziness’ is.
:)
C