What is the relationship between your kids and M like?
Now, it’s pretty darn good. The advantage of having kids who have stepped out into the real world, who have had kids of their own, who understand finances and responsibility on a much more tangible level is having kids who have a different outlook on the sacrifices parents have made.
I had the same realization about my step-dad when I was a young adult, which was an entirely different realization than what I had about my mother. It is different to know that someone did these things for you because they chose to and not because they were obligated to.
I guess the best way to sum up this question is to say that on Christmas/his birthday/Father’s Day, it’s Master that they recognize and not their bio-dad.
Do you feel that living a m/s lifestyle has affected your position as a mom?
Oh gosh, yes. The singular point of contention between M and I has been over kid-related stuff.
In some ways he’s made me better, in other ways he was way off track. He not only offered me a different perspective on “normal”, he, because of the M/s, was able to force me to adopt it. Someone here in the comments, a long LONG time ago, said something to the effect of me not knowing what “normal” was (in regards to parenting, etc.) because my own childhood was far from it. Master’s childhood was pretty stereotypical. That’s something I hadn’t really considered before (you see? You people have been good for me!) and once I really thought about that, it made his viewpoint a lot easier to swallow.
At the same time, though, he had a tendency to dismiss the particulars of what my kids had been through, what made them the way they were. He – at times- expected (expects, maybe still) a little more than what they were equipped to accomplish. Holding my kids up in comparison to other kids who had a much more privileged (and yes, normal) upbringing and then finding them lacking was unfair.
For example, were there things that you wanted to do for them or wanted them to have that you were unable to due to your slave status?
Honestly, they’ve gotten more because of Master than I likely ever would have been able to offer them on my own, and for that I’m grateful. He really is very generous to them.
Having said that, however, it’s still his choosing of the when/where/what is given to them and it’s not always what I want or would like to do.
My question for you – do you have (or ever need) any strategies for getting on board with whatever it is he wants if your head isn’t in the best place when he wants whatever it is?
I do, but it’s probably not going to ever be printed in ‘Slave Training 101: Ethical Methods’ (if such a book exists, haha).
The method is this: I have nothing. No money, no source of money, no house, no car, and no confidence that I’d make it without him. So when I’m not on board, the ‘threat’, if I dare call it that (because it’s never said that way. It’s never that blatant. It’s “obey or leave”, it’s “my way or the highway”, but somehow he makes that not a threat… which makes no sense now. Nevermind.)
Anyway. When I’m not on board or struggling to get my head in the game, I imagine being homeless and penniless and useless and having nothing and — it works.
And honestly, that all sounds a lot uglier than it really is. The fact is I don’t want to go anywhere anyway so it’s not like I’m miserable and trapped. I am trapped, in much the same way that a 1940′s housewife was ‘trapped’ but I’m quite happy to be.
The fact is I *want* to be on board with what he wants. I want to be obedient and pleasing so if the above gives me the added oomf I need to get there, then it’s just as valid a method as any other. Even I know I’m not truly trapped because while he can make ‘escape’ unpleasant, there are routes he’ll never be able to take away. I could always show up on my parent’s doorstep and they’d take me in without question for as long as they’re alive- but that of course brings its own set of unpleasant circumstances that I’d rather avoid.
Being older than you two and with the passing of my parents this year, I have been concerned how my wife would cope with MY demise. The downside of D/s is a possible reduction of the ability of the s to cope if the D is suddenly removed. I am not so much taking of the grief and loss which is unavoidable but the picking up the pieces and continuing on without the management skills of the D – Financial planning, budgeting, estate planning, even things like house maintenance or hiring a contractor, all those things that I make the decisions on that she no longer even thinks about?
Have you guys ever discussed Life after D/s? Any ideas on how other have handled this, other than the obvious family support by sons or daughters?
How funny that these questions came in back to back.
I have not been freed of the burden of planning/budgeting/maintenance. I have been controlled and dictated to, but 99% of that stuff is delegated to me to handle. I make all the phone calls, all the appointments, talk with all the service people, the insurance guy, the banks. I do our taxes every year. I file the claims, pay the bills, argue the bottom line. I make it happen so that all he has to do is approve or disapprove, and sign on the dotted line. I am his secretary, that is one of my uses. Most of the time, what he chooses to do is also what I would choose to do, so I’m surprisingly confident in my management skills- at least of managing the “stuff”
All I can say about finances is that he tells me he’s insured to the eyeteeth and I don’t need to worry should that happen. I won’t be left homeless and penniless if something happens to him, but only if I make myself unworthy of being his.
Does that seem incredibly at odds with my previous answer? It probably is.
If it’s too personal, just ignore my questions. You mentioned that your oldest brother is in jail, what happened with the other four criminals? Are you in contact with them? And are your parents still in contact with them?
There weren’t four other criminals, there were three. The fourth was taken advantage of as much as I was in the beginning and managed to extricate himself very early on. Of the remaining three, I am sort-of in contact with one of them, in that he makes the very occasional appearance at family functions, but I’m so rarely at these functions myself, and he so rarely shows himself, that we avoid each other pretty successfully. I haven’t laid eyes on him in several years, actually.
The other two I haven’t had contact with since… I don’t know. My late teens, early twenties. They both moved halfway across the country.
My parents are in contact with them, yes, but it’s limited. Not with the one who is in prison; they have zero contact with him. My parents view the others as victims of his, they believe them to have been coerced, forced, trained, whatever, and have a much more sympathetic approach toward them than I do.
I have long since stopped finding that to be hurtful. They don’t force it on me or otherwise try and direct how I should feel so… it is what it is. When the two who live far away come to visit, I don’t visit. I sometimes hear stories about them, that’s all.
My parents- my mom especially- carries a boatload of guilt over the whole thing. I don’t wish that on her. I don’t blame her. I don’t have ill feelings toward her. I know she did the best she could with the tools she had, just as all of us parents do, just as I did. Honestly, this all happened almost 30 years ago. I rarely think about it.
Sorry if you’ve already gone over this at some point but I had questions about your collar. Where did you get it? Do you wear it 24/7? Do you ever get looks/comments? Anything you don’t like about it? How long have you had it? Thanks for your time.
Master got the collar from Ring of Steel. I couldn’t recommend these guys more if I got paid for it (which I don’t!). The craftsmanship is amazing, the customer service is amazing. Seriously.
If by 24/7, you mean literally 24/7 and it never comes off EVAR for any reason at all, then no. I don’t. I had it off about 3 weeks ago, long enough to get my hair dyed to make sure no dye got on it. And it gets taken off if I go to visit my parents because my mom is rather hyper-sensitive to M’s controlling ways and she would blow a gasket to think I had something locked around my neck. We have nothing to prove by making my mother uncomfortable or worried so it comes off and it stays off until the visit is over. I have a couple of vanilla-friendly necklaces that Master has gotten me that replace the personal meaning of the collar for the duration.
Otherwise, yes, it’s on all the rest of the time. I sleep in it, I shower in it, I wear it out- to the store, to the doctor, to wherever. It is only taken off for very seldom and very specific occasions and then put back on when those occasions are over. I have a tan line from it, much like my wedding ring tan line.
I get looks but I’ve got this figured out. I get two sorts of looks from the vanilla folks: they either look at it strangely and I can tell they think I have bad taste in jewelry, or they look at it, say something like “that’s a pretty necklace” and ask me where I got it (My stock answer is: “The internet; Amazon maybe? I don’t know. My husband bought it for me.”) I’ve only ever had one stranger acknowledge exactly what it was and all he said was “I like your collar. I’ve never seen anyone wear one in real life. Where did you get it?” and I told him.
There’s not really anything I don’t like about it. It’s much more comfortable than it looks, most of the time I don’t even feel it. It’s very lightweight (my collar is the ‘stealth collar’ which is a lighter, thinner one). It doesn’t rub anywhere, it doesn’t pinch anywhere. Very occasionally I get that sensation of being strangled but that’s all psychological and has nothing to do with the collar itself. It passes. Eventually. Until the next time.
I’ve had this collar for… 5 or 6 years, I guess.
What happened to Leesa and Phrank? I always hoped to hear that the 4 of you met up again, told us about it, and filmed it. But, Her site is down. Are they OK?
Again, timely question. I was just talking to her the other day. I had come across the pictures from the time we did meet and said how much we’d like to meet up again. We will, if either of us are ever close to the other.
All I can say is that they are busy busy people and she isn’t kinky blogging anymore.
How did you get him or how did he grow more dominant?
Well.. there’s something to be said for first having the desire for it. There’s no making that happen if they just aren’t into it. So that “how did I *get* him to” is simple- I didn’t.
But how did he grow more dominant- now that I have an answer for.
I think, just as some of us slaves have to fight societal conditioning, so do they. Maybe even more so. Possibly even more so if it’s a male dom and a female sub. That goes against all the ‘don’t hit a girl’ stuff that they are preached at about, not to mention the notion that it’s bad or wrong to want what they want.
I was very proactive in those early years. I found pictures and videos of things I liked and I showed him, shared with him how hot and horny it made me to watch, told him how much I’d like to be that girl, reassured him when he’d ask questions like “you don’t think he’s a dick?”
I did things to myself in front of him. I was the one who first poked myself with a needle, who cut myself with a razor, who stuck a burning candle in my pussy. I bought the toys, I laid them out, I reiterated over and over that I wasn’t turned off, I wasn’t angry, I didn’t think less of him. I loved it, I wanted it, please Sir more more more, harder, do it again, and next time would you consider doing x,y,z.
I wasn’t thinking of it in terms of making him be more dominant, not at the time. It had that effect, though. I was merely doing what appealed to me, saying what I felt. I was new, too, so I was experimenting as much as he was. He very quickly disabused me of the notion that I was topping from the bottom by being proactive so I ran with it.
He gained confidence, he realized what he wanted to do wasn’t going to gross me out or scare me away. I wasn’t going to think badly of him (mostly, haha). He saw that other people were doing the same stuff, or far far worse stuff. We dabbled in things, he made up rules, kept some and rejected others if he wasn’t pleased with the execution- even if I really liked them (pout).
In my guidebook The Care and Feeding of Your Dominant (snerk), it says to gently lead them to water and then shove their head under until they give in. In other words, when he would act incredibly un-domly I would reply with “I don’t know. You’re the boss. You tell me.” or “Oh! You mean I get to decide that? Yay!” or “Well, as soon as you get your collar on and your butt plug in, I’ll let you know my answer.”
Which is only part hyperbole, really, and entirely tongue in cheek, because he’d been well trained to ask his girlfriend what she wanted/how she felt. Trained for over 30 years by his mother and his older sister to respect women, to care about women, to treat them properly. Just because I came along and tickled his dick doesn’t mean he was Insta-Dom. Neither was I an Insta-slave just because I wanted to be one. He guided me with the similar method of making me think about what I’d just said and how I’d said it. Was what I just said reflective of how I really felt (a slave) or reflective of how I thought I was supposed to respond (society).
He provided for me a safe place to grow into slavery, a place where I could make mistakes without the sky falling, a place where I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed or harshly judged, and I did the same for him in return.
That brings me to the end of the questions, unless I have overlooked yours. If I did, it wasn’t intentional and do please point me to it. Thank you all so much for playing along.
March is Q&A month. If you have a question, leave it in the comments here, you can ask anonymously or not, or you can email me at kaya (at) underhishand.com or you can message me on Fetlife.