I have said before that I don’t feel like I’m in an LDR, and that’s true. I don’t. Probably because I’m not in an LDR. I have an Owner-slash-Husband who travels a lot for work. Just because one is a long distance away doesn’t automatically translate into it being an LDR.
The fact that we’ve been married for almost a decade, been M/s for a year longer than that, and that he’s always traveled for work to varying degrees of gone-ness has made this newest travel schedule fairly easy for me to handle.
Plus, it’s just life, you know? This is his career, it’s something he’s been doing for 25 years or so. This is how we pay bills, how we raised the kids, bought a house, cars, yada yada.
There’s truth behind “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. We’ve really come to make the most of the time he’s home, knowing the suckfulness it can be when he’s gone.
But, we’re doing a pretty good job of making the suckfulness less suckful. Though I don’t feel like I’m in an LDR, distance is distance and we face the same struggles that LDR folks face. I thought I would share some of what we are doing because I get a lot of questions asking me how I do it, how I handle it, etc.
Handling is really just as simple as being an adult and being realistic about that life stuff I mentioned previously. I like having a roof over my head, I enjoy eating, and I truly appreciate having the means to help out our kids when they need it, as well as doing some extra nice things for them and the grandkids.
Because I don’t have a job, and haven’t had one for many years now ever since Master decided he wanted a full time slave, money is a little tighter. I’ll go into the dependency and how that’s deepened slavery another time, for now I’ll just say that when I have no income of my own yet I enjoy buying gifts for people, and being allowed to splurge sometimes on non-essentials, it’s difficult to complain about the manner in which those means are acquired and gifted to me.
He’s done a fine job—no, he’s done a better than fine job— of providing for us. It would feel incredibly disrespectful and ungrateful to bitch about his chosen career when our kids, grandkids and I have benefited so well from his hard work and generosity.
Of course I wish he was here every day. I deeply, deeply miss the small acts of service I perform when he’s gone. I miss serving coffee. I miss giving him massages. I miss sucking his dick, making his dinner, putting the toothpaste on his toothbrush, washing him in the shower. I miss hearing the ring of the SEX bell (a silly bell I bought him for Christmas that says “ring for sex”, and he keeps it on his desk and he likes it so much he rings it every time he wants sex and I’m already getting ‘trained’ to the sound).
I miss the hundred things he asks of me and expects from me on a daily basis. “Get me this”, “hand me that”, “find me…”, “Go do..”, “make me a…”, “did you do…”
I even miss piss play. PISS. I miss piss.
Wait for it..
I miss asking if I can go to the bathroom.
Mhm. No lie.
Oh, I have it bad, y’all. So bad.
Having all of those things taken away from me for awhile, and then getting to do them when he is home… it’s like subfrenzy + birthday party + newly adopted puppy + christmas morning all wrapped up in one. I am delighted to follow rules (ALL THE RULES!). I am ecstatic to beg for the bathroom.
I am a horny, hovering, eager cocksucker. “You want your dick sucked? Hm? Do ya? Can I? No? How about now? Now? Oh, later? Ok.”
~one thousand and one, one thousand and two…~
“How about now? Want your dick sucked? Want to fuck me in the ass? Do ya? Huh? Not yet? Ok.”
~one thousand and one…~
So, you know, absence has its bennies. ;-)
But before the joys of homecoming is the long stretch of distance. *boo hiss*
He’s away for 30 days at a time. That’s a long time. A lot can go on in a month’s time. The way I’ve come to figure it, though, it can be a lot of good things, or it can be a lot of bad things. Either way, the time will pass just the same.
Might as well make the most of it, right?
Someone, somewhere, said it takes 30 days to make or break a habit. That’s probably not true, but from experience I can tell you this: In 30 days, I can “unlearn” a whole lot of habits. Take, for instance, his rule that I bring him a glass of ice water at bedtime every night. I used to consistently ‘unlearn’ this habit every time he had to travel somewhere. Then he’d come home, we’d go to bed, and I’d have no glass of ice water. He’d be irritated because “11 years, cunt. Eleven-fucking-years and you still forget the water.”
It just made no sense to me to continue “serving him” ice water when he wasn’t even here to drink it. But over and over I’d have to relearn that habit when he was home because I’d unlearned it while he was gone. Wash rinse repeat.
These days, I take water to bed with me every. single. night. If, for some odd ball reason I forget, I make myself get up- I don’t care if I’ve been in bed for 20 minutes and I’m almost asleep- I do exactly what he would make me do if he were home (minus the ouching and the lecturing and the icky-fail stuff) and I go allll the way downstairs for ice water.
I don’t even drink water once I’m in bed. I pee enough through the night as it is, tyvm.
But keeping myself mindful is just as valid an act of service as the actual serving of the water is. I do the same thing with any other ‘habit’ he’s previously instilled in me that I don’t want to lose in the 30 days I wouldn’t be using it.
Another positive way to use these 30 days alone is to do the things he doesn’t want to do, or doesn’t want to share my time and energy with. Small decorating projects that he gives me permission to do, rearranging rooms, outdoor landscaping projects. Those things not only help to fill my time, they also give me something new to show him when he comes home.
Teaching myself a new act of service (or improving upon one I don’t feel very confident about) is a very useful way to spend time. Assuming, of course, that I’ve checked with him and he’s even interested in that act. It’s not very useful to learn how to cook Thai food if he hates Thai food. ;) But the internet puts almost everything right there at my fingertips. From massage techniques to making a perfect pot of coffee to deep throat advice to, well, to how to cook Thai food.
Another way I ‘serve’ him while he’s gone is by remaining capable and useful– and keeping my shit together. It’s easy to melt down and sink into woe-is-me thinking when I’m here alone. I know it’s easy because I have to work not to do it. Pity parties for one are easy to throw, my friends. But, they aren’t useful. They won’t change the time frame and make him come home any sooner, all it does is make him feel like he’s got to give me pep talks and cheer me up.
He’s working. He’s making the money we need to support ourselves. He’s focused on his job, his safety, his co-workers, dealing with his own difficulties that come along with travel. He doesn’t have time to hold me up, nor should he have to.
Does he want to know that I miss him? Sure! He loves knowing that I’m pining away for him here at home. Does he want to have to DEAL with that, though? Not even a little bit.
He also doesn’t have to worry about the bills getting paid on time, or the car breaking down, or the water leak behind the washer, or or or… He needs to KNOW about them, of course, and then he needs to hear how I’ve got it taken care of.
In short, I do my best to make sure that I am a blessing and not a burden, so that all he has to worry about at work is work. Obviously, things happen and emergencies come up and I have to talk with him and get direction and be told what to do if I don’t already know, but once I’ve got the directions, I have to follow them.
In the past, I haven’t always been so mindful of this, of being capable. Nor has he always fostered it. But then he wasn’t usually gone for such long stretches or at such far distances to where it seemed so necessary. Now it is and I enjoy being a valuable asset.
I also don’t vie for his attention in a negative manner (rule breaking, etc.) 1) It’s not the kind of attention I want anyway. 2) It’s passive aggressive behavior and there’s nothing attractive about being passive aggressive. 3) It, again, forces him into interacting with me when he has other things to do.
I’ve found that by staying positive and pleasant, by being a joy to talk with, and by him feeling 99% confident that he’s not going to have to get angry with me, he’s far MORE likely to shower me with attention and give me almost every spare second he has.
Which isn’t the same as saying we never have negative interactions because we do. I fuck up sometimes because I’m human and he’s strict as fuuuuuuck. I just don’t go out of my way to create them, and I certainly actively try to make that NOT happen.
So those are some of the things I do on my end to make the distance easier to deal with.
On his part, he’s present. He’s actively present. Me, the rules, his expectations- we’re not an afterthought and he doesn’t make me feel like I am. I know that I am added work no matter how much I try not to be because owning someone takes work. But the only time he makes me feel like a chore is when I neglect the stuff I mentioned above and become one.
He’s present. He checks on me. He wants to see what I’m doing, he gives feedback, praise or criticism, whichever is earned, but it’s feedback and feedback means he’s present.
He makes me as much of a priority as he can when he’s 14 hours ahead of me and on a completely different time schedule while also working 12 hours a day in a foreign country. I mean, honestly, I have to keep my expectations in line with the reality, and in not expecting more than is reasonable, I feel like I get more than is reasonable.
He facilitated the means to make communication easy, fast and convenient. He got us smart phones. lol. I know y’all have had them for years but this is my first one and I just got it a few months ago so it’s all new to me. But because we have these phones and mine is never more than inch away from me, he can talk to me at any time he has a free second. And he does. It might be a single text or a tagged facebook video (romance, heh) but it makes me feel like he’s as mindful of me as I am of him.
We communicate often. We skype twice, sometimes three times a day. Once, like I said in the previous post, in the morning (my morning, his bedtime), again at my 4pm, which is when he’s getting up in the morning, and more often than not, he’ll give me a quick call on his lunch break, which is my 10pm. So 7am, 4pm, 10pm: When I get up, middle of the day, and right before I go to bed. It’s just about as perfect as I could hope for, next to him just being home.
Seeing him and hearing his voice, his facial expressions, tone, etc., has cut down a lot on our mixed signals and miscommunication. And there’s not much that springs up on me that I can’t ask him about when I have 3 evenly spaced intervals to talk to him.
And because he freely gives me so much, when a day or two happens that he can’t, I don’t pout or complain or feel neglected. I’ve already gotten SO MUCH, I am overstocked on attention and I can handle some time without him.
I am also required to send him a nightly email before I go to bed. In this email, I’m to tell him what chores I did, how many steps I got (it’s the cuntrol board in email form lol), what my daily weight was, how meditation made me feel, what exercise I did, a masturbation report if I have one**, or anything else he needs to know. The purpose of this is two-fold: 1) it keeps our face time conversations from being taken over by the mundane details that he still wants to know but doesn’t want to hear during convos, and 2) if I mention anything in the email that he wants to talk to me about, or have any questions for him, he’ll bring it up during skype time so we can discuss it. He will sometimes reply to the emails, sometimes not. He might tell me I am doing good and to keep it up, he might tell me I need to step it up. I don’t (yet) have any huge desire for feedback from the emails because they are pretty mundane and if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, what’s there to give feedback about? I don’t always want a pat on the head for doing what’s expected.
Another thing he does is to stay imaginative. Doing kink to myself kind of sucks but when he makes it fun and not routine, and then shows such kid-in-a-candy-store glee over the pictures and videos, it’s a little less suck. Sometimes we feed off each other. He’ll say “I want you to do x today” and I’ll come back with “What if I do x but I use y and w while I do it?” and he replies with “Fuck yes you filthy cunt, and then add z and three m’s.” and then.. well then I stop because he can always ramp things up a million times higher than I can deliver lol.
And then there are things like the morning meditation, which could easily feel silly or juvenile if he wasn’t so invested in the process. Or like when he found that picture of the positions, sent me a link out of the blue and said “You will have these memorized before I come home.” Or when random items of pervertedness show up in the mail. Or when he sets a task for me that he knows I can’t do (like stick a giant dildo up my ass) but says “just try for me. Try.” and I will. Until I can’t try anymore. and then I’ll cry about it.
The rules and expectations don’t change just because he’s away. I need that. I need that continuity, that security. I need to know that he’s just as strict from there as he is here because I draw strength from that when I’m feeling low. Not just in kinky fun times, but in everything. We don’t only talk about fucking lol. So maintaining the status quo goes a long way in keeping everything even keeled.
My long distance relationship hasn’t felt like an LDR for a single day. We both work to make sure it doesn’t. Funny how it doesn’t feel like work when there’s so much pleasure involved, though. :)
(**I am restricted to being allowed to masturbate only twice a week, and if I do I must have something in my ass and clamps on my nipples. So the masturbation report has to include what I stuck up my butt, which clamps I used (and they can’t be the same ones I used the last time because that’s boring apparently and because I would probably always pick the lightest clamps and the smallest butt toy given my druthers), and what I was thinking about when I came. Reading the masturbation report is pure wank fodder for him because he’s a filthy perv. ;-) )