clf asks: first of all, how did you become involved in the lifestyle and at what age did you know that vanilla was not for you? second, any news on the ex husband? is he is contact with y’all regularly or off living his life? I am curious to know how you became involved with him and why it didn’t work out.
I’m going to keep these two questions together because one answers the other.
My ex and I met when we were 15 years old at the birthday party of a mutual friend. He didn’t go to my school, he lived in the neighboring town so I didn’t know him at all. What drew me to him at the party was that he possessed a natural aloofness and just seemed to… lord over the party, almost.
We began dating and continued to date on and off throughout high school, though we had a very tumultuous relationship, even then. He’s very controlling. He’s very violent. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I have no doubt that I was attracted to the control and the violence- just neither of us knew how to properly channel it. I had other relationships, nicer ones, calmer ones (normal ones lol) but I’d always end up back with him.
I finally learned what it was I seeking. Violence, sure, of a fashion- but not the kind that included drunken fist fights, jealous rages, or broken toes. And control, yes, but not the kind that involved blocking me in my own driveway when I needed to go to work or abandoning me and the kids for days with no money or food, leaving me to call my parents begging for help.
He never learned what he was looking for. He still thinks kink is “sick”. He’s still controlling and violent- but not to me. In fact, it wasn’t until I met Master at the ripe old age of 34, that I was able to get out from under his control and stop being victimized by his violent outburts.
He and I (years after our split) once had a very pleasant few instances of communication wherein we delved into the failure of our relationship and discussed kink in honest, frank terms. He, in his very very expert manner of manipulation, pulled information out of me about my private life. He commiserated with me, told me he’d “found kink” (like he’d “found God”) and I (over)shared.
He then proceeded to call my mother and out me to her, probably in an attempt to convince her to take my kids away from me because he knew he couldn’t do it himself. He is an alcoholic with a long(-ish) arrest record for domestic assault, orders of protection, DUI charges, drunk and disorderly, bar fighting, leaving the scene of an accident, contempt of court for not paying child support/court fees/other fines… so his chance of stealing custody was slim to not a snowballs chance in hell.
But that was the one instance where his history of lying and being a first class dickhead worked in my favor. I simply told my mother he was full of shit and trying to start trouble and she dismissed his claims.
But where are we know? Well! Let me tell you. B-man’s 18th birthday was the happiest day of my freakin’ life. B-man’s graduation party was the very last “event” where I felt obligated to include him in the festivities.
He’s still, at 44, living the bar scene. He’s become the creepy old dude at the bar touching on the young hot chicks. He’s single, lives alone. He gets in bar fights. When Jes and her husband visited with him he got drunk and started a fight with her husband so he is still an asshole. He got fat. And, judging by how he looked the last time I saw him, if he’s not in the beginning stages of liver failure, I’d be surprised.
He is now trying to get me to wave the over 100 grand in arrears (back child support) he owes me. I guess the state has told him that if I’ll forgive the debt, he doesn’t have to pay it. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to do that. :)
He did pay child support for a few years. Long after I desperately needed it, but for the last 3 or 4 years of the kids’ teen years I got a regular check. I guess the judges were tired of seeing him and tossing him in for his 30 day contempt charge and he’d gotten threatened with a longer stint. That didn’t sound so fun so he toed the line. That stopped on B-man’s 18th birthday. But I guess now the state is still hassling him about the arrears. I’m not inclined to do him any favors, to be honest. I don’t feel like I owe him any.
Just the other day Am called me and told me that he’d called her and was bitching at her because I won’t sign off on this and I told her the next time he tries to talk to her about an issue with me to hang up on him. Not her circus, not her monkeys.
So as far as contact goes, he doesn’t have a way to contact me directly. He doesn’t know my address or my email or my phone number. I have him blocked on facebook. I have no reason to be in touch with him anymore and good riddance. His contact with the kids is intermittent. He tends to make drunken middle of the night phone calls to them now and then telling them how much he loves them but otherwise, I don’t think they talk to him very often at all. He likes to plaster pictures of the granddaughters on his facebook profile like he’s some super grandpa but the girls don’t even know who he is.
I love that as far as the grandkids are concerned, Grandpa is the guy sitting right here next to me. :)
All three of the kids have said that they only remain cordial with him because he will sometimes send them money. And honestly, he owes them that much at the very least. I don’t blame them at all for it.
So- when did I know vanilla wasn’t for me? When I was 15 lol. I just didn’t know it had a name, I didn’t know there was a good or bad way to get it. I didn’t know other people did it. I spent a lot of years trying to scratch that itch in the wrong way.
I did my fair share of provoking and antagonizing the ex into violence. I own that. I didn’t know it then, wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing or why, but I know I did.
I “formally” got into BDSM when I was first connected to the World Wide Web. I was 29, and I’d just discovered porn. BDSM porn, that is. It was like someone had turned the lights on.
Then I found chat rooms, message boards, communities, blogs, pictures. I learned and experimented and read and watched and talked. I kissed a few frogs along the way, trying to figure myself out. I even tried topping (puke).
And then I met Master. The rest, as they say, is history. :)
I’ll get to the other questions later today or tomorrow. Thank you!
(March is not over yet. Leave any further questions as a comment down below or use the Contact tab at the top! Thank you for playing along!)