It was decided that my sitting around the house, alone, bored, with too much time to obsess over all thinks kinky is an inconvenience to him.
Which sounds a lot harsher than intended.
So what to do with me while he’s away? Get a job? No. Unless it was a job that would match his schedule and give me a few weeks off every time he’s home because he’s still not going to give up what he wants- which is me at his beck and call when he’s home.
Working with the dog rescue group helped for awhile, and I loved doing it. But even that ate into too much of his time home, required too much of my time and energy, and put limits on things we could do or places we could go when he’s here. When you take in a dog or cat, you agree to attend adoption events on weekends. You also are ‘stuck’ with that animal until it gets adopted. It could be a week, it could be a year. It’s extremely difficult to find even temporary care for a foster, so going out of town is next to impossible when you foster. All of the other fosters are already overrun and depleted, and you can’t kennel a dog that isn’t yours because kennels require paperwork and proof of shots which 90% of animals up for adoption do not have.
Volunteering for that organization was great, but it showed me(him) how volunteering isn’t for me. I’m a sucker for feeling obligated, and organizations like that are in constant need of…everything. People, time, resources. I couldn’t be at home knowing that only one person was running an event because nobody else showed up. I can’t not buy food for an animal with an empty bowl. The guilt and sense of obligation eats me up. I’d be all “I’ll just go there for a bit and help and I’ll be back..” 6 hours later I’m coming home, tired and dirty and he’s been home alone all day.
Plus, the constant barrage of animals in need was eating me alive. I cannot read story after story, plea after plea of abused and neglected pets, or animals being put to sleep tomorrow unless someone will step up and foster. I have the utmost respect and admiration for people who do that, day in and day out, who give everything and then some to save one more. I can’t be that person.
So that’s been nixed, I’m no longer fostering or volunteering. Part of me is sad about it, part of me is relieved to be out from under the constant pressure of NEED.
Keeping me busy with chores and tasks is helpful, but there’s only so much mental stimulation that one can get out of housecleaning. Which, btw, is very very little.
Who fucking cares if the house is clean when nobody but me sees it? Ugh.
What I CAN do, and what is going to be beneficial to him when he’s here while also not placing unwanted obligations on my time outside of him is be a more involved part of the kinky community. Houston’s kinky community is HUGE and busy and it’s very easy to find something to do, to meet people who “get it”, if you just try.
I am overwhelmingly shy when I first meet people. I don’t talk too much and if I do talk I say stupid shit, I’m awkward and nervous, and have huge amounts of anxiety. Master on the other hand has “never met a stranger”, can talk to anyone about anything, is loud and gregarious and friendly- and he’s always been my social connection. He’s the one meeting people and making friends, I’m the ugly wallflower hiding behind his leg.
That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone. It’s also socially crippled me as I have no friends outside of him. (to clarify- I do have friends. Now. I would not have them had he not made it happen. I would not have reached out on my own. Now that I know them, I consider them friends.)
When he’s home, I have a social life. When he’s gone, it’s almost like I cease to exist. Or so it feels, and I get that that is entirely self-inflicted. Well.. not entirely because he is (was? might still be but not as much?) just as likely to not let me go do something even if I want to go do something.
There are people who might want to know me as something other than Master’s silent partner. Maybe they’ll decide they don’t like me anyway. Maybe not. It won’t be the first time I’ve heard something like “You’re not really any fun by yourself. Call me when Scott’s back in town and we’ll get together.” I am hugely affected by rejection (who isn’t?)
At any rate, he’s decided I need to be a more involved part of the community. Maybe I’ll make connections, find friends, be welcome. If so, then when he’s home and there are events to attend, we can go together and he won’t have to be my sole source of entertainment. Maybe he’ll want to do more if there’s less pressure to be my “only”.
So he left on Monday. I went to a munch on Wednesday. Then I hung out with kinky friends. Last night I hung out with kinky friends again. Today I’m going to another munch, and tonight I’m going to a kinky party. Next week, I’m going out of town to see my mom. When I get back, I’m pretty sure there’s another munch and party on that weekend. The weekend after that is another party.
I’m pretty conflicted about it all, to be honest. I’ve been his for so long I’m not sure who I am anymore. He always liked that. Preferred it, even. Wanted it, created it. Made me just an extension of him.